My husband and I are lucky enough to have both of our mother's retired and happily willing to keep our (almost) 2 year old son while we work each day. My son has never been in daycare and has only been kept by our mothers. My mother (Noni) keeps him 3 days and my husband's mother (Grandma) keeps him the other 2 days. His relationship with both are totally different. With Noni he never cries when I leave, he tells me bye, gives me a kiss and could care less. He even sleeps over at my mother's house and doesn't miss us one bit. On the days he goes to grandma's house he throws a fit and stands at the door with big tears in his eyes. My mother and I are very close, we best friends. My husband and his mom are like co-workers, they talk every day but it is all business. I know that he is in great hands and has a great time with both grandmothers but what gives? How can we make the drop-off better for grandma?
UPDATE: My husband brings my son to Grandma's house on her days, not me. Every evening when my son returns home I ask him about his day and he's happy to tell me what he did, what he ate and so on. I have always been told that seconds after my husband pulls out of the driveway my son has moved on and is ready to help make breakfast or whatever. My MIL is a few years old than my own mother and has some hip problems so she does not get down on the floor and make a fool out of herself like my mother is known to do. My MIL was a kindergarten teacher and does all the important school type activities where my mother is more of the class-clown and gets down to his level and plays games and climbs on trees and so on. My son is always excited to see Noni but it takes some time for him to warm up to Grandma.
He's trying to tell you something may be he'd likes his other grand mother better He may be picking up on vibes he feels from them, like a dog does
My son is the same way. He just turned 2 years old and still reacts differently to my mother than to my mother in law. I was very ill after child birth and my mother in law was the one who would come to sleep over and watch over him. I had ample opportunity to observe him with both grandmothers while recooperating and I can tell you that my mother in law was and still is an excellent care giver. I finally figured out that I'm pretty sure its her voice. My mom and I both have deep voices (for women) and my mother in law has a very high pitched voice. I realized it because he had the same negative reaction with only one other member of the family, who is also an awesome babysitter but has a high pitched voice. I think it just irritates him. Sometimes it can just be something that simple, it's not necessarily a reflection of the care he receives. I also agree with the mom that informed her son of the "schedule". This has helped my son too. If I know he is going to my mother in law's house I tell him as much as I can before and that does help a little. Hope this helps.
Hi,
If at all possible start the eve you pick Henry up and especially in the morning while preparing for his drop off at each grandma's house by assuring him of what a wonderful time he will have at grandma ....'s house today and assure him that you will be back to pick him up later. Maybe the more excited you are about his day with grandma the more comfortable he will be when you drop him off and tell him that you will see him a little later. His favorite happy music on the ride over is always a good idea also.
My son (now 3yrs old) used to do the same thing. He grew out of it and now LOVES both sets of grandparents... For now, try to bring along a favorite toy, or have a surprise waiting at your husband's mom's house... Doesn't have to be big, maybe a sticker or a new set of crayons.
He's responding to your feelings. He can sense the difference in what you say and feel. When you are more comfortable, he is more comfortable.
Hi
Sounds like we have some things in common. Our relationship with our own mothers is deeper than the relationship our husbands have with their mothers.
Your son is lucky he is getting what he needs a balance of both grandparents and what they have to offer. I think it sounds like it is all going fine and the switch of your hubby dropping of to his mom is good. Also a chance for them to maybe warm up to each other more with your son as a common interest. My mom is also the clown...with my MIL she is a fun too but due to health issues has a harder time being an active grandparent which is needed with boys! They have a lot of energy.
Sounds like all is good D.! I wouldn't worry!
Best to your family.
What does Grandma say? Does she report him as being fussy or anything that is unlike his normal behaviour? What does she do while he is throwing a fit at your departure? How is he when you pick him up? If she reports him as having a great time and you are confident that he is great hands, it may just be a wierd quirk. My daughter HATED it every time my mother even came in sight from 5 months until after a year, but now LOVES her Nana. For no reason. Nana used to watch her when she was a little baby, so we associated her fear of my loving mother to us leaving. One day she just decided Nana was great and it has been pleasent ever since. He may just have a better time with Noni. You could try spending the day with Grandma and your son and see if there is anything out of the ordinary that he may be reacting to. Good luck! Sorry I couldn't have been more help.
Hi, D.. Well, I don't think you should worry about making the drop off better. As long as he's being treated with love and care by Grandma, there's nothing to worry about. Kids warm up to people at different rates, and you can't predict whom they're going to adore and whom they're not. Noni is more fun-loving, and Grandma is more teacher-like, not nearly as warm, so he's going to react differently to her. I wouldn't worry about it, especially since you now know that they do have a good time together and the tears are just separation anxiety. He needs to get used to all the different kinds of people in the world.
I hope your mind is eased now.
Peace,
Syl
Dannielle,
Sounds like you have really got the best of both worlds and with nurturing balance. With the differences in both grannies, your child is getting activity and education and discipline. You sound very fair and impartial when you speak of the differences in both women. I think this is an honorable characteristic. Noni may be more fun luving, this would probably means less structure. Grandma has been a teacher, this means structure and following rules more. While I am definitely confident that Your mom is a good, loving, nurturing grandparent with rules also, it is just more fun to have fun follow. Your MIL, is older, possibly a little more stern about obeying and following rules, and due to health and age, she probably has more rules. Your son knows that. He is learning at an early age, and maybe much earlier than most kids that life is filled with differences that are not all fun. I would not be too worried. Both are matriarchs and adore him. Give the older granny a little more thanks and praise. Give her an unexpected gift out of the blue to show her your appreciation. It has too be hard to care for such an active inquisitive little one, with barriers and restrictions on her dexterity and activities. I am sure that she would love to do more, instead she has the gift of teaching and what a wonderful gift to give. Your mom on the other hand has all of her strength and health. She can motivate him and strengthen his agility, endurance, strength and motor skills. You are very blessed Dannielle and your son is reaping the rewards. Things must be very fine, Don't worry so much. Moreover, your observations and attention to detail in the care of your son and whose care he is in identifies you as a great and loving mother, I wish you much happiness and blessings to your family.
You can confront her..."why is he so upset when he is so calm with Noni?" Sounds like Grandma doesn't give him any affection...I'd look into it, dear.
Blessings
2 year olds have a hard time with transitions. Preschools often limit the amount of changes for 2's (i.e. don't go to a separate music room or block room) because of this. Does Grandma have him the 2nd half of the week? Could just be his reaction to the change in his routine - especially if he's just coming off a 3 day stretch with Noni.
It helps to consistently remind toddlers of schedules so they can anticipate transitions. Find an easy visual way to show him what his routine is so he knows where he'll be when - maybe make a one week calendar with the picture of who'll care for him on each day so he can easily see his "schedule". Put something like a magnet on each day so he sees where he is today.
Simple verbal cues are also very helpful. When I worked, my son and I had very simple "titles" for each day - when he woke up, he'd ask "What day is today?". I'd say it's "Gigi day" (his nanny) or "mommy day" (on Friday) or "mommy/daddy day" (weekends). He started off the day knowing what (or should I say who) lie ahead.
I no longer work but now that he's 4 we still use the same thing - today's a school day (preschool M-TH), mommy day (F) or mommy/daddy day on the weekends.
Lastly, know that each of you have different ways of structuring his day. He has to adjust 3 times a week to 3 different routines/styles of caregiving. One of you may always give a 5 minute heads up before transitioning to lunch or nap or going out while the other may say let's go. At this age, a heads up can ease change.
Overall, be thankful that your child has time with each of his grandmothers. They develop a special bond that's priceless.
In addition to my own personal experience, I have known several people in similar situations. I have found that it is usually that your child can sense that YOU are at ease more around your own mother, and naturally many of your mother's mannerisms and actions remind your son of you, and that's probably very comforting to him. Also, depending upon your relationship with your mother-in-law, I have read that even when babies are still in the womb, they can sense their mommy tense up when they hear certain voices. If you are at all tense or on edge around your mother-in-law, your child can sense it, and probably ALWAYS has been able to sense it. If you do think that this might be a part of it, I'm not sure how to change the way you truly may feel about your in-laws, but perhaps some more outward affection towards them that your son can see might help him be more at ease somewhat. I hope this helps!
