Good Friend Lied

Updated on August 30, 2009
J.L. asks from Hoffman Estates, IL
9 answers

Hi Moms,

My good friend "Becky" threw a birthday party for her 2 year old daughter at an offsite location just for kids and provided cake, pop, ice cream etc...It was a nice event..short and sweet and to the point...Up until the party "Becky" went into great detail about how her planning came about..choosing the place....the invitations.....the cake...and...even asking my opinion about these things.. The game plan after the kids party was to have everyone back to her place for a barbeque or pizza since the kids party was for only a short time...and we could have adult time after that....Ok fine..."Becky" and I speak and see eachother regularly. We have a mutual friend..."Sandra" who is extremely superficial. "Becky" is close to "Sandra" I am not...that's fine...Believe me. Well there was a situation at an event prior to the party where I felt excluded by both of them...and I was mature enough to speak to "Becky" about it and we moved on.....Well I was looking forward to this birthday party and going back to "Becky's" place after it was all said and done. We had lunch a 1 1/2 weeks before her daughter's party and she informed me that things had changed. The party was going to take place but that she and her husband agreed to have less "chaos" after the party and just have family back to their house...I wasn't upset about it because it was her party to plan and having just family was pretty reasonable to me.
The day of the party came...I took my kids and we had a great time! When I was leaving and putting the kids in the car I turned to say goodbye to "Sandra" and her family as they were parked across from my car and that's when I noticed all of "Becky's" daughter's gifts from the party in their car!!!! I guess I was in shock. Without going into great length.."Sandra" was invited back to "Becky's house" to participate in the after "kid's party" festivities! I believe Becky knows that I found out. I sent a brief text that said I hope Sandra enjoyed the private party and left it at that. I have not heard from her since nor have I attempted any furthe communication.

I am fully aware that everyone has their right to pick and choose who they have plans with...What "Becky" plans is her business...It is just in this situation I was so involved and then to be excluded....and yet "Sandra" was not...I feel bad and I wish people would be adult enough about things that they don't have to lie or be deceitful. Should I just cease communication until I hear from her if I ever do...I am tired of being played and think that perhaps I should be focusing my energy on building into other relationships?

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Thanks Ladies for all of your responses! I

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S.X.

answers from Chicago on

its possible that she was just having that one friend over right?

if not. i would just tell your friend you know she had a party at her place, and you know you and so and so don't get along and its up to her to decide what to invite, but that it simply hurt your feelings that she wasn't honest with you.

making a passive aggressive comment like "i hope she had fun" is just an indirect as she was being with you.

step to the plate and be the bigger person
: ) good luck

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E.P.

answers from Chicago on

You sound like you thought you had a nice friendship in Becky. You are hurt by this and I would be too. Your "friend" did not handle this well. She lied and I am not one of those people who buys into the concept that "little white lies" are okay. It never feels good to be excluded. Could it have been innocent? Are you sure Sandra really did stay for a celebration afterwards or could she have just dropped off gifts? Is Becky's daughter better friends with Sandra's child - that could be why that choice was made too. Just because you are friends with the mom doesn't mean your children have to be good friends. Because it was the daughter's party could have been the deciding factor in which daughter's friend would attend.

If you really do consider her a friend, then have lunch with her and ask her about it. She truly may be uncomfortable with the friction that you and Sandra share and it puts her in the middle - the choice to be deceitful was not a good choice for her to make, (if Sandra, for a fact, went to the evening's festivities). Since Becky wasn't sure how to handle both of you at her home, she weaseled out by lying. Confronting her about it, without accusing her of anything, is the more adult approach to take. Letting her know that you value her friendship is always positive (bringing her brownies helps). Trying to tolerate Sandra better will help, too, as you do refer to "Sandra" as your "mutual friend" so as a "friend", there has to be something you like about her - otherwise you would have referred to her as an acquaintance. Becky's reaction or response to the situation will dictate the path that you both will share in the future... either as good friends or just acquaintances. Those who I call my friends deserve that title.

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N.D.

answers from Chicago on

Hi there-

I am sorry that this happened to you. I guess all I can do to help is to ask YOU what you want at the end of the day. Is "Becky" a good friend to you? Does Becky do things for you, in general, that would be considered good friend qualities? Or is she a "taker"?

I had a very good friend who was pretty high maintenance and who complained frequently. It was tough to deal with but I thought she was a good friend. Well, we had some issues arise and I was forced to think about our friendship further. While I liked her and thought she was fun, it was an exhausting friendship and the issues were just too big to get past. Or so I thought. After we went our separate ways, I found myself missing her dearly but I needed to move on.

I guess what I am saying is that you need to figure out if you can handle not being friends with her any more. If not, you have your answer...you need to do all that you can to keep the friendship. If the relationship is a constant struggle, then maybe you do need to put your energy elsewhere but know that it might be difficult to get over her.

The ball is really in your court. Hope this helps. Good luck.
N.

1 mom found this helpful

J.S.

answers from Chicago on

Personally, I think Becky lied to you to spare your feelings. For what ever reason, she preferred Sandra's company over yours. And since you don't like Sandra and Becky obiviously does, she didn't want either one of you to feel awkward at her house.

I know it hurts, but I think you should just move on. Don't have some big old discussion about it with Becky or Sandra. You'll only sound like you're whining ("Why do you like her better than me?") Sending that text was childish. If you need a break from Becky, take one. Maybe invite her to lunch or something in a few weeks and pretend nothing ever happened. I really wouldn't make a big deal about it (like you did the other incident). Get over it and move on.

Good luck.

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J.

answers from Chicago on

It sounds like you thought she was a closer friend than she thought you were. That's the sort of little social lie that's acceptable with acquaintances and "kid friends." On the other hand, at the root of this it's a kid party and I make a lot of allowances for kid parties. I didn't invite one of my best friend's kid to our son's birthday party this year because it just wasn't going to work with that many kids, and it had nothing at all to do with her or her son.

If it's part of a pattern, I'd take it as a sign and put her in the "acquaintance" column in my head. If it's a one-time thing and a long friendship you may want to ask if there is something else you don't know about. For example, maybe she didn't want someone with older kids at the house or maybe one of her kids doesn't get along well with one of yours, or maybe it was an "all girl" party request from her kid and she'd already invited boys to the main party. Or maybe the other woman baked the cake. I mean, you really don't know and sometimes only time will tell.

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N.W.

answers from Chicago on

Whenever two people have a conflict you should always look for the third party...the third person causing the conflict or "fanning the flames" so to speak. There is ALWAYS a third party. Always.

http://www.freedommag.org/english/vol36I2/page25.htm

In this case I think it's obvious that Sandra is the Third Party. It sounds like from what you said, Sandra is a "fake" and I would bet that she feels threatened by your friendship with Becky. I've had this occur all throughout my life. I would put money on Sandra telling Becky things about you, or encouraging small negative feelings Becky may have toward you until they are BIG negative things.

A friendship with three is always hard. I see it with my stepdaughter (if there are 3 girls, one always ends up excluded).

You can resolve this issue by talking with Becky (not Sandra). Your text probably made Becky feel bad, and I wouldn't be surprised if she mentioned it to Sandra and Sandra fanned the flames a little more and said "well you shouldn't feel bad" and "you have a right to invite who you want" and "Jennifer is just being horrible" and such things.

Just talk with Becky when you've calmed down. Ask her if you've done something to upset her. Tell her you value her friendship. Ask her if anyone has told her anything negative about you recently (you don't have to call Sandra out, that will just make Becky protective of her).

If maintaining a friendship with Becky is too hard with Sandra in the way, I think you could look to friendships that are less high-maintenance. Eventually Sandra will show her true colors.

Good luck!

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J.C.

answers from Rockford on

This is ridiculous. "Becky" should have been honest with you. Instead, she prefers to operate in an immature manner. I would not make any contact and let her decide what, if anything, she is adult enough to do about it. I know you are hurt, but this type of "friend" no one needs. I'm sure you can find other people who are mature and can form great relationships with. Personally, I would not put much into it and you deserve better.

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T.J.

answers from Chicago on

Jennifer -

I am so sorry!!!! Your friend "Becky" is not a friend at all. I myself moved to IL in 2006 and had my daughter a year later so I joined moms groups to meet people in the area (we didn't have any family of friends in the same state at the time) which resulted in alot of drama exactly like you are describing. I would have thought that when we all got older and mature and started having kids of our own we would stop the lying, gossipying etc but I have actually noticed it gets worse. I do not personally want my children involved in that because I do not want them thinking it is the right way to communicate with friends so I stuck with the few good friends I met and left all the groups. I am not sure how close you and "Becky" are or for how long you have been friends but I personally would send her a letter expressing how you feel and then leave it at that. I think you may feel better writing your feelings down in a letter but I also believe that if your friend "Becky" lied to you now she may have lied to you in the past or will again in the future. Friendships are not based on lies.

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S.S.

answers from Chicago on

Sadly people are not mature enough to be straight up about things and so we become victims to some painful hurts. And like you I have been placed in situations where it was total shock when someone did something like that. I learned as I got older to lesson my own pain but it still hurts and distancing yourself is probably the best thing to do. She (Becky) was mean and inconsiderate. You sound warm and caring and deserve so much better. Why people are attracted to other superficial people I don't know sometimes but perhaps you and I are just in the same camp. We are straight and expect others to be because we wouldn't want to hurt anyone. It doesn't sound like there is really a friendship worth saving. If it's possible you can forgive in your heart so it doesn't eat away at your health and then move on to the next kind perso. Becky just destroyed the possibility of a long, wonderful friendship with you.

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