Good Enough Reason for #2? - Pittsburgh,PA

Updated on August 17, 2011
A.B. asks from Pittsburgh, PA
16 answers

I've really been going back and forth about having another baby - and I see I haven't been alone in that this summer! I have appreciated reading the posts and responses on this topic.

My husband and I both work and have a sitter for DS (20mos). I am able to take 1/2 - 1 year's worth of (unpaid) leave to be home w/baby, so that's nice. Financially and space-wise, we're ok. Seems like it makes sense then. Thing is...

My first pregnancy was so traumatic. The memory of carrying a child that was not expected to live for months, be induced and deliver a stillborn, and the constant fear and crying spells that went well into the next pregnancy are scarred into my body and mind. For the first time in 3 yrs, our family is living what finally feels like a "normal". I love our life, my job, and the "flow" we're in. Things are stable and I have indulged in that feeling because we didn't have anything like it for so long.

Most of my friends have between 3-5 kids. I am from a family of four and am used to big families. I have no objection to more, but I'll be 32 and really don't want to be having kids after 35 (scared of risks and recovery) so in a sense, I feel I'm a bit late (compared to my friends). Physically, I'd be fine with never being pregnant again (I think?) but everytime I see my son playing alone it breaks my heart. I wish he had a sibling to play with like I did. I know that having a sib doesn't guarantee closeness, but part of me feels obligated to him to give it a chance. It was NOT easy growing up w/sibs, either, but now as adults I can't imagine not having them. In addition, I don't want the burden of caring for us later to fall solely on him.

So I guess my question is, while I have almost no desire (bc it's outweighed by fear) to have another baby and start from scratch with all that, is giving him a brother or sister - God willing - a good enough reason to go ahead and try?

I know that, in the end, only my husband and I can make the "best" decision for our family, but I'd truly appreciate your thoughts.

Thanks, moms!

ETA: There were no answers or genetic links that led to our first loss. In terms of safety, all the drs are in agreement that we are at the baseline for the risk of anything like that happening again.

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So What Happened?

I have considered adoption but I don't think that process would necessarily be easier. Not only is it crazy expensive, but you also have the risk of something happening like the birth mother changing her mind, etc. Still results in a heartbreaking loss. If you adopt an older child, you have whatever baggage from their past and that can be very difficult also.

Being is parent is never easy, no matter how one goes about getting there, I suppose. Loving someone else always puts us at risk for hurt.

Featured Answers


answers from Provo on

If you have no real desire, I don't think you should go through with it. Especially since you said you don't want to start all over again. He'll grow up fine with out a bro or sis.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Tampa on

Well, I would talk to you doctor. See if you doctor thinks that you are healthy enough to carry a healthy pregnancy and go from there. If the doctor thinks it's fine, then go for it. I have two and I wouldn't change it.

1 mom found this helpful

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answers from Topeka on

I had a still birth in 1997. I was 19 and he was my first child. I had a hard time getting passed it. But two years later, we had another baby. It was a very rough pregnancy. Two years after that, we had our third child, and now we have a 5 year old about to go into kindergarten this year.

If you both truely want another baby, by all means try for another baby. Just because you miscarry does not mean you have to quit trying. Losing a child is the most terrible thing I can imagine and has happened to me. But I knew what I wanted. And if it took losing a few pregnancies then that is what I was going to do.

I love my baby in heaven. I love my children here. If I could have more, I most certainly would.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Wichita on

Hi, Amy. Would you want another child if you *knew* that the pregnancy would go well?

A good friend of mine lost her baby boy at about 24 weeks. Everything went fine in her pregnancy, and then one day, he stopped moving. The autopsy showed nothing. Later on, she got pregnant with her second child, a girl. A similar thing started to happen when she was 28 weeks along...only this time, they caught it in time and were able to save the baby. Her daughter is now doing great. When she and her husband got pregnant with their third baby, they went through the same fears of what could happen. 24 weeks passed just fine. 28 weeks passed just fine. Low and behold, they made it all the way to full term with no problems. She had a healthy baby boy not too long ago.

You never know what God has in store for you. If YOU truly want another child, then I say to go for it and try to remain calm during your pregnancy. You'll probably find that caring for your 20 month old will keep your mind off of a lot of the fears.

If you want another child, but do not want to risk it, you might consider adoption.

Good luck with things. :)

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

You say you have almost no desire to have another child, but yet you are here asking us our thoughts on having another one. To me that is a little bit more then "almost no desire".

If you and hubby are on the same page about adding to your family, then I say go for it.

Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Philadelphia on

As you know the decision boils down to you and your husband. I think there should be many factors in having a baby. It can be as complicated or as simple as you make it. If right now the only reason to have another baby is to give your son a sibling, I'd sit on the idea for another 6 months to a year and think about it. He's only 20 months. Many moms aren't ready for another pregnancy at just 20 months. Give it a bit more time, discuss it with your husband and then make a decision that is best for your family.

Personally, I always wanted 3 kids, maybe because I am from a 3 kid family. My husband wanted 6 kids! I said, no way! He is the youngest of 9. I got him down to 3, and he was even satisfied with the 2 boys we had. But I wanted a little girl so much. I accepted the idea that if I didn't have a girl we'd be done with 3. After all, how could I not love a 3rd son? I adored my two! Well, as luck would have it, I got my little girl... with two more sons throw in as bonus, lol!

I always felt, and this is just my opinion, that a singleton child seems to lack, so to speak, all the aspects that could be in a family. Singletons can have a great childhood since they're the only focus at home. But it seems like things are missing and opportunities missed when there's no siblings. Siblings can fight but they can also be playmates and just hold each others childhood memories. I would lean on having a second child, but do it when you're ready and when it's for the right reasons for you and your husband. You have time.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Norfolk on

Have you considered adoption? There are many children out there who need a good, loving home and you could add to your family without the risk and trauma of carrying another baby.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Pittsburgh on

"Only children" can grow up happy and well-adjusted - and often benefit in wonderful ways from not having to 'share' their parents and the family resources. We have done much travel and enjoyed many other opportunities that we'd never have been able to with additonal children. In addition, I know a number of families where the "burden" of caring for the parents fell to one child because s/he was the only one in the geographic area; and I know only children (or only surviving child) who felt blessed to be their parents' caretakers (or supervise their care), and took on that role with grace because of the extra-close relationship they enjoyed due to being the only child. I agree with the others who said that having another baby to provide a sibling is not enough reason - I also know situations where that did not turn out well in itself. Good luck and may God bless you abd your husband with wisdom as you seek discernment on this issue! (PS - We have an only child - not our original plan but due to health reasons we discerned it to be the wise decision. In some ways, we know having a sibling would have been nice for her; but we do absolutely feel we made the right choice - she does not have significant regrets, and neither do we.)

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

Don't have a baby for your child. Have a baby because you want one. Like you said, there is no guarantee they will get along. I have very little relationship with my younger sister and never have - we had nothing in common and were not close. I have an only child, and while it would be nice to have a 2nd, I wouldn't have it just for him if I didn't want one myself.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from New York on

I would try talking to a therapist of some kind or maybe some kind of birth professional about your traumatic loss of your first pregnancy. Also, you might want to read Birthing from Within because it has a lot of exercises for adjusting emotionally to becoming a parent. Many exercises could be adapted to work through feelings about the baby you lost and about trying again. I think after you do this for a few months then you will be able to have clarity to make a decision on another baby.

BTW, I am trained in counseling and have 2 children (and it's the right size family for us). My first child we came close to losing to birth complications (10 days on a respirator and 10 weeks in the NICU for a full term baby). He is fine now and has been since he was a few months old. My second pregnancy was hard emotionally and also because I had to keep up with my toddler. Pregnancy is harder on some of women but if you really want the baby then you get through it as best you can. Also, I had my 2 at 35 and 38 (the day after I turned 38 actually). My friend is due with her first next week and she is 40. So at 32 you aren't too old for another baby if you want one.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Pittsburgh on

I hear you! We were lucky to keep my son, but the trauma of another 9 months of a pregnancy like my first have been enough to scare us off for 4 years. And yet, now we are trying again, mostly because I want my son to have a sibling.

I would suggest getting some counseling to help you figure out what is best for you all. Good luck, and so sorry for your loss.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Harrisburg on

I can't imagine my kids without each other. They have each other's backs...and now they were 14 and 12 and are entering into a whole new phase in their relationship. It's interesting to hear my 14yo son ask my 12 yo daughter about girls...

Those who expect siblings to fight get what they expect. I drilled into my kids heads when they were infants and toddlers that they would be each other's best friends...and they are. My daughter dearly missed her brother when he was away a month this summer.

That's not the right reason to have another child. I would encourage you to get some counseling. Not b/c I think you are weak, but because you could explore your fears and try to overcome them and THEN decide what to do about a 2nd child. Mine are almost 3 years have a lot of time. Also, I had my first @ 35 & my 2nd @ 38 and so I don't think you're "aging out" either. :)

Good luck with your decision.

P.S. A friend of mine is an only child who now has an only child. Her daughter is now 12, so she won't have another...but says if she had to do it all over again...she would seriously consider it. My husband is an only child and now that his parents are aging, he does wish he had someone to bounce things off of...

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Allentown on

Hi, Amy:

Having a baby to give your child a brother or sister is not a reason to have a baby.

You stated you have almost no desire because of fear. Work through your fear and see if you want another child.
Good luck in your decsion.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

Have you sought out counseling to help you deal with the lost of your first baby? (I have never been in counseling, so I can't personally attest to its effectiveness, but I would imagine it would be helpful.)

Have you considered adopting?



answers from Baton Rouge on

AFIC, the only reason to have a baby (or another baby) is because you want it. Not because your friends have more kids than you, not because the kid you already have wants a sibling.


answers from Tampa on

Risks are getting lower and lower for women under the 42 y/o mark... so I'd not make 35 and arbitrary cut off for conceiving. If in your heart you want another child - both to complete your family and to ensure a sibling for son... don't rush yourself or make yourself feel you have an abbreviated shelf life. It'll happen if you are both ready and want it.

I had only 1 sister that was 10 years apart. My 1st born and newborn are 6 years apart and I hope to have a 3rd in about 3-4 years... maybe even a 4th. I used to give myself time limits on how old I'd allow myself to be - but have been seeing new Moms getting older and older and no longer feel that I have to have a certain age before forgetting the idea of more children.

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