Going to Have 2Nd Baby Soon and Would like Some Advice

I just had my second child and my other daughter is 3. My best advice is to explain to him where you are going before you go. Tell him mommy is going to have the baby. He may not fully understand but that's ok. We didn't bring my daughter to the hospital until the day I came home. She is really attached to me and we knew she would get upset if she came to visit and saw that mommy wasn't leaving with her. I cried the day I went home, she was so excited to see me.

We have always had the older kids come to the hospital at the same time as there grandparents and aunts. They have always enjoyed getting a I'm a big brother/sister present then.

We have had 3 hospital births and 3 home births. I definitely prefer homebirth because it eliminates this question. However, I would recommend bringing your son to the hospital once you are cleaned up and not attached to every machine the hospital has to offer. As for dealing with jealousy I believe that can be minimized by including your son as much as possible. Let him hold the baby and give the baby kisses. Tell him how much the baby loves him and how important he is to the baby. let him help pick clothes for the baby to wear and bring you diapers. Breastfeeding comes in handy because you can feed the baby and have a free hand to read a story at the same time. You can't do that with a bottle. I would also expect him to take a developmental step back in some area i.e. sleeping on his own or potty training or whatever his most recent milestone was. Don't worry about it. things will be crazy for a bit just like last time and then you will all find your new normal. Merry Christmas! Enjoy your growing family.

I was told by the nurse at the hospital that it was very important to have siblings come in while you are at the hospital. They also suggest you go home from the hospital together, so you are not bringing a new child into his space, but rather the whole family is bringing the baby home. They also recommended they sibling be involved with the first bath if possible. My son was 23 months at the time we had our second. He is a bit busy, so he ended up running around (w/ grandma watching) while we did first bath, but he was there and helped a little bit. Good luck it is definately a little crazy until you get into the groove of things with too :)

I think it would be great for him to see the baby at the hospital. It would even be good for him to have a chance to visit the hospital before the baby comes - some hospitals have family tours, so he can see the kind of room you will be in and the baby nursery with the big window. That way he can also see how incredibly tiny the new baby will be.

I also recommend that he have a hand in picking out a present for the new baby, and also STRONGLY suggest that the new baby have a present to give him!

Good luck and enjoy your newly expanding family!

I know you received tons of great advice...I just wanted to throw in my two cents! My two youngest children are 26 months apart. I also breastfed my daughter while I was pregnant with the youngest one, like you did. And you are right in anticipating the "Can I nurse" question. My daughter asked many times. And I let her try each time. But as you suspect, she couldn't remember what to do. The biggest set back she had was she started to use a pacifier. I told her no at first and decided it was not a big deal. I think that lasted maybe a month. She was slightly jealous in the sense that she wanted to be held when the baby was being held. She would sometimes get upset with me, but she never seemed to resent the baby or be mad at him. I would let her sit on my knees and "help" hold the baby while he nursed. She loved holding the baby on her lap. And I let her every time she asked. She flopped him around some. And tried to pick him up off her lap. No matter what she did I tried not to freak out too much and in the end she never hurt him. Not one time, no matter how rough I thought she was with him. She did come to the hospital to see us after he was born. I would recommend having a few toys there. The baby is only so exciting for so long!! My daughter held the baby briefly, looked at him, and then went to color. The only thing I did when they came to the hospital was to make sure I was not holding the baby when she came in the room. The baby was in the bassinet, and we went to look at him and pick him up together. I had that first moment to hug and cuddle her without the baby being "in the way." The other thing...be prepared for your son to cry when he leaves you. I lost it when that happened. I was not prepared for it at all. I sat and cried for quite a while after they left. Just keep telling yourself you will all be home soon, and your son will never remember this time! My husband brought all the kids when we went home, so like others said, we went home as a family. Just remember, it may be rough the first few weeks adjusting and getting back into a groove, but it is all worth it. Four years later my kids are super close. It will all fall into place and be great!! I am so happy for you!

I haven't read the others, so forgive me if I'm repeating...I got this great advice when I was pregnant. Have your husband bring your older son to the hospital after you've had a chance to clean up and look more like yourself. (If you have to have a cs then it will probably be the next day.) Then make sure the baby is in the nursery when they arrive. That way you get to see you older son first, talk to him then all of you go to the nursery together to get the baby. Bring him back to your room and then let him hold/hug and love on the baby. It will help seeing you first as he'll be unsure of what's happening.

On a side note, my son (19 months at the time) freaked out every time a nurse came in to check my vitals or come near me. I think he was being protective of his mommy. So just keep in mind seeing you in the hospital may be a little scary for your older son.

I bet your son gets it on his level. He'll be excited, a little out of sorts, but will soon forget that he had you all to himself. Good luck!

Hi, my oldest was 23 months when I had our second child, now 6 1/2 months. My son also did not really understand the whole big brother deal. He said baby and pointed to my stomach but other than being aware of me leaving the day I gave birth, he really showed few other signs of being aware.
He also had 2 friends of similar age who seemed super aware of being an older sibling.

Jealously is a big issue for us and so is mommy's attention. Our son had a super hard time with me leaving a room after coming home from the hospital and taking time to nurse. We've had our temper tantrums and time outs and even some hitting. Not fun!
Our advice, be consistent with attention and rules. Show your older child how to interact with the baby and praise good behavior and helpfulness. We found that giving our oldest individual time and attention everyday was absolutely necessary. We've also had to be really firm about rules in general and very over the top with positive praise. We give our son every opportunity to help with baby brother and also with big boy tasks (set the table, help make dinner). He thrives on the big boy tasks b/c he know they are special things only he can do.

Congratulations and we wish you well!

I think the previous posters have given you great advice so far! I'll try to keep mine short- my youngest was born when my twins were 26 months too, and I wasn't sure how much they understood. When I asked them what was in my belly they replied "baby sister" but I didn't know if they realized that she was actually coming out and coming home with us! I had my parents bring them to the hospital the evening of the day after the baby was born, and they brought dinner so we could all eat together as a family. I felt like that reinforced the idea that we were ALL a family together now, and that the baby was part of that. They were very excited to see her, and I think it was good for them to see where mommy went too. The only thing was, they didn't realize that they were going to have to go home again that night without me, so maybe I could have explained that better or timed the visit differently. In any case, I think having them come to the hospital was a really nice way to introduce them to the baby without just having her suddenly come into the house.

I would bring him to the hospital. One idea is have him go to the store with you and pick out a present for the new baby, help wrap it and color a card for it. That way he can help celebrate the babies "birthday". And then get him a "big brother" gift for when he comes to the hospital. He will probably only be interested for a few minutes in the baby, so if you get him something he can play with it may keep him happy.
On jealousy, my daughter was 19 months when her sister was born, so a little younger. We did not have to many issues, but I did make sure to have a "mommy and Isabella" time set aside everyday for her. It may help for him to know that there is a special time just for him after the baby comes (when dad gets home or during naptime). Even now (at 3 yrs and 18 mos) the little ones naps longer, so I do "school time" one on one with Isabella, so she gets her special time.
Also, I would suggest getting a good baby carrier, so that you can keep the baby close and still have your hands free for you son. There are many great ones these days, comfortable for you and baby, and ones you can Breastfeed in too (that can be a jealous time as you need to give your attention to baby). Check out here for some types of carreirs www.handsfreebaby.com
Best of luck!!
K.

I think you'd be surprised how much they get. My oldest was 2 and a half when my second was born. She went to her grandparents when I went into labor. When her sister was born, her father called to let everybody know. My oldest started yelling, "I'm a big sister, I'm a big sister!" She was so happy.

Totally bring him to the hospital. when I had my second child, my parents came to stay wiht my oldest at our house so that her routine was not disrupted too much and they brough her to the hoaspital everyday. I had to ahve a C-section so she met her sister for the first time at 4 hours old. when my husband and I brough my youngest home we brought a small teddy bear for my oldest and had the baby "give" it to her. It really helped and theya re really close-19 months apart. Both girls and I love it :)! We also did the siblings tour at the hospitla and my husband does not think it made a differnece becasue my oldest awas stioll young, but I think it helped.

In addition to all of the other great advice I would like to share something my friend told me before I had #2.

When the baby is crying and your first child needs your attention too sometimes tell the baby "just one minute Mommy needs to help (first child's name) and then I will get you". This makes the first child feel important and the baby will be fine if he or she fusses for a few minutes.

Secondly, if your child reverts to "baby" behavior try to remember that it's normal and it will pass. I totally agree with the advice to make him a "helper" as this makes him feel special.

Have fun! I love having two boys! It is a wonderful blessing.

Congratulations!!!

Hi Y.! I didn't read all of your responses but I had to write to you b/c my girls are 26 months apart. We had my parents bring my older one to the hospital after the baby was born, but I don't know if if would have made a difference if we'd waited until we got home. I think having kids at this age spread is GREAT. Here is how it worked for me - my older one really wasn't old enough to act/feel jealous. It's not like she'd been our one and only for a long time. We had NO problem bringing the baby home (and I was worried b/c I had heard all the stories of the "terrible twos", plus we were bringing a baby home!) So hopefully you'll have a similar situation. I did try to have my mom watch the baby once in awhile so I could do something special with the older one. Maybe that helped. Anyway, my girls are now 5 and 7 and the best of friends. Today they got out of bed and played so nicely, letting me and my husband sleep until 9am!! Ahhhhh..... I wish you well :)

K.

The thing we did when our second was born was to get a present, something really special, that is from the baby to your first son. He must receive this the second he sees the new baby.

After this, I would emphasize every positive thing your older son does as a "big boy" and "big brother". As a caution, don't leave him alone with the baby for a very long time. I would say they should have constant direct supervision for at least the first six months!

The more relaxed you and your husband are, the better!

Good luck and have fun as much as you can.

My son liked coming to the hospital (he was 33 mo when his sister was born) because he liked to see me, and he liked the pics and attention he got-we made sure he had lots to help with the jealousy. It was hard though, because he couldn't play and had to be quiet. We allowed movies, and in hindsight, we should have put one in our bag that he could watch when we weren't eating (we had all meals together while I was in the hospital). We also got him special "big brother" presents that we wrapped and he opened so that, even though he didn't understand the concept of being a big brother, he wouldn't initially think of it as negative. He did really great at home and his preschool for a few weeks, but then he tackled a kid out of the blue at school, so we talked to him about that, and one thing I did was to tell him that I missed the special "mommy-andrew" time we had, and we went out just the two of us several times over the next month, then we started including his sister some, but not always. That way he doesn't feel replaced. Congrats and good luck!

I say bring him to the hospital and make sure that he feels included. If you can make him understand that this is the FAMILY'S new baby, he might be less jealous. He should be included in the big to-do. I had anyone that was coming over to see the new baby bring a little gift for my oldest instead of the baby. We already had plenty of baby stuff so I asked them to bring a congratulations-on-becoming-a-big-brother gift for my oldest. This worked very well. He was able to feel a sense of pride in himself for being the big brother and a sense of pride in "his" new baby. He was also glad to see the visitor and was focused on that instead of feeling resentful that they were there to see the baby. Also, make sure that you let your first help you with your second. Even if it's just wiping baby's belly with a washcloth during bath time, and throwing diapers away for you. The more grown-up you can make your oldest feel, the less likely he is to "revert" to baby like behavior for attention. I was also VERY firm with the people coming to see the baby. I made it clear that they were to spend time with my oldest too. I wasn't going to have anyone over that would ooh and ahh over the baby, ignore my oldest and then take off. I just phrased it as a request and told them they'd be doing me a huge favor if they could help make him feel included in all of the baby excitement. I let him answer the door and he would "escort" the visitors to see "his" new baby. He loved showing his little brother off.

I know it seems like a lot of fuss but it's worth it. Every day you need to tell your oldest what a great baby helper he is and how it would be so much harder for you to take care of the baby if he wasn't there to help you. Try explaining how babies can't do ANYTHING for themselves and have to be helped with everything, but that the baby WILL get older eventually and will start learning things for him/herself. You need to tell him that you love him frequently and thank him for all of his help and understanding. I also always related the baby's developmental milestones with those of my oldest. Like saying "Oh look, the baby rolled over. I remember the day you first rolled over. I was so proud of you!" I also told my oldest that he was such a great baby that it made me want to have another one and that I needed his help with teaching the new baby to be as good as he is. I know I've gone on and on, but I have one more thing to add. I tried to carve out at least 15 minutes a day (usually during baby's nap) where I could just sit with my oldest in my lap and my arms around him and snuggle. I would say to him "It's so nice to be able to just sit with my big boy. I love the baby, but he/she is so much work. It's nice for mommy to have a big kid to hug that doesn't need all that work." This really built him up about being older than the baby and made him feel like he was special to me just the way he was.

Anyways, I hope this helped. Just make sure he's feeling included, loved and yes, even slightly superior to the baby as a big kid (which there's nothing wrong with) and he should be fine.

Happy Holidays and congratulations on the new baby!

Bring him to the hospital- if YOU physically feel up to it. If not, take that time for REST! I know it wouldn't be you personally taking him to the hospital because you will already be there, but every time my husband brought the kiddies to the hospital (I have four kids now), it put a little strain on me because I got into "mom" mode with them and did too much. I still don't regret having them visit, however.

For the jealousy thing, I think I have this down (none of my kids have this problem at all!)... Have your son "help" and get involved immediately with the newborn. I know newborns are fragile of course, but don't have the baby be "off limits". Under close supervision, have your son sit down and "hold" the baby, sing to the baby, talk to the baby, touch the baby- let him know he needs to be super-gentle! Have him bring diapers and wipes and blankets. Put those things down low where he can reach them. Just have him be involved. Tell him the baby loves him. He may just LOVE that! Good luck and CONGRATULATIONS!

I'm in my forties and I still remember my parents giving my a special doll when My Aunt & Uncle Came to pick me up, when it was time for my sister to be born. So I think if you give him a special gift like you are getting ready to get, he'll feel 'in the loop'. Maybe a special cuddle type toy that you get the new baby too, so you create a visual bonds immediately. I think taking him during the birth process is risky, on the off/rare chance something goes askew. No need for him to catch a scary vibe from everyone around him. Congrats & good luck.

My advice you want to bring him to the hospital. Because in my opinion this baby is coming into his home. You want to meet on natural ground first. I don't believe children at 25mo. Actually understand. The parents believe they do but even if they say the baby is in there they don't understand for real. It's a game to them not real. Your son prob. really understand either. But when you leave to go to the hospital say " ok well it's time to go to the hospital to get the baby out of my tummy, it's getting to big to fit." Than when your in the hospital have your husband or care giver talk about going to visit mommy and the baby. He will put the two together pretty quick. But it's easier if that happens in the hospital so he can adjust before you take the baby into HIS house.
good luck

Hi Y.,

We had our second this past October and our older daughter was 30 months at that time. I had my mom bring her to the hospital after the baby was born and everything was settled in our room. Kate got to see me, get a hug, meet her little sister, and have some special alone time with daddy as well. It worked for her. I think it would have been too drastic to leave one day and return the next with a new baby who would rock her world - and she has :) Kate needed a little something to process before it all changed. As far as the jealousy goes, you just have to roll with it. The first month was unbearable for me because I felt like I was neglecting the older one because the baby needed to much of me. Kate tried many times to take advantage of things, and sometimes she got her way. My suggestion would be to always have something for your son to do while you are feeding the baby, and keep him with you in a section of the house where he can't get into much - I had to shut all of us in Kate's bedroom while I nursed her sister for a few days just so she wouldn't flush things down the toilet. On a bright note, baby sister Jess is now 2 months old and we have all adjusted. Kate didn't have any major regressions, she's still a little jealous, but overall things are good. Make sure you put the baby down as much as you can and spend good quality time with your older son while your hands are free. Good Luck and Best Wishes to you all :)

I don't have my second yet (she is due this Friday), but we are going to bring our 29 month old to the hospital. (well, father-in-law is after the baby is born). She knows she is having a little sister and I want her to understand that mommy had her little sister and that we are going to bring her home. I don't want to just bring the baby home to her and make it seem like an intrusion into "her" house. We are also going to have her ride home from the hospital with us so that she feels more included and that she is helping. Another thing we are doing is getting a little present from the baby to my older daughter. Just a little stuffed animal or something. When she gets to the hospital and meets her sister for the first time, we will give her the stuffed animal from the baby.

When I had my first i had step daughter that was a little over three we took her after the baby was born so that she was involded I also before time got her a litlle pin that she worn that day that says I'm a big sister... She loved it to be there to see her sister. I am a mother of 4 three my own and of course my step but everytime i had a Baby they all was there waitting to see there new brother or sister it keep them close and makes them feel your not pushing them out the door. My last to was 10 months different and she was there to see her brother and I even let them all hold the babie of course with help.. Hope it helps....

Hi Y.,

We had the same concerns when we were getting ready for baby number 2. Here are ideas to help smooth the transition for your son. I would say yes, do have him come to the hospital b/c it involves him a bit more. Also, get a special gift that you 'have the baby' bring him when you come home with babe, so right of the bat he associates baby with a 'good thing' for him. Also, take him shopping and let him pick out a special toy or blanket for the baby. Make sure that life stays as 'normal' as possible for him after baby comes, maybe friends can take him for special playdates or have friends over for him to play with. Your time is going to be focused on new baby naturally, just try to keep him occupied, and include him in being a helper as much as possible, have him bring you diapers, blankets, etc. Most little ones like to be helpers. Also, just try to remember that this is a HUGE transition for him, there are bound to be some bumps in the road, don't get mad at him for showing his emotions over it all, he's going to need extra love and attention too. And for yourself try to take extra good care of yourself, eat well, stay hydrated, sleep when the baby does, so that you have reserves to handle it all too :)
Take care, S.

As a doula and working with families a lot, I have seen it done both ways. I would suggest that you have him visit first in the hospital. It give him time to adjust before you bring the new baby home. It can be a hard adjustment don't lose heart. I would also suggest that you take your son to buy the baby a birthday present and let him pick it out. I also bought my 1st son a gift from "the baby" and he loved it. Make sure to have alone time with your first son so he still gets that one on one time with you. Ben (my first) did a lot better when we had Mommy time once a day.
Hope this helps. If you have any questions let me know.

J. Verdery

Congrats on number 2!

I would encourage you to bring him to the hospital for visits. It will be hard for him being away from mommy as it is and it will be a little bit of reassurance when he can visit you. Just be prepared that he may not want anything to do with the baby.

My two boys are 28 months apart and the older one not only didn't care to meet his brother he actually told us to take mommy home and leave the baby at the hospital, lol.

It was a big adjustment and although he loves his brother very much now we are still dealing with sibling rivalry and jealousy.

Just remember, NEVER leave him alone with the baby. I made that mistake when my 2nd was about 7 months. He was in the baby swing and I left the room for about 4 min. My older one came to me and said, "Joshie fell down". I ran in the room to discover that he had pushed the baby swing over! Thank goodness it was positioned near a large overstuffed chair and the swing was pinned between the wall and the chair so it didn't fall over and baby was just fine. Needless to say, I thought we were through the jealousy phase and we were definately not. I still can't leave the two of them alone together because my 3 year old will try to "help" the baby crawl or try to lift him up and he would accidentally hurt him.

Enjoy this exhausting, wonderful and crazy time!

I brought my daughter, then 22 months, to the hospital when I was having my son. She has always been very bright and totally understood what was going on, but I still thought it was important for her to be there regardless. When my son came home, she was not jealous at all - she really took well to being an older sister and the whole family helped make sure she still got her special time. When I had my third son, it was a planned c-section. Both of my older children, then 4 months shy of 4 and 23 months, came to the hospital before I went into surgery and were able to see the baby before I even came out of surgery. They were able to see my in the post-op room and again every day in the post partum rooms. My second son was more jealous and didn't wuite know how to handle having someone else around. It was about two weeks of painful transition, but they are the most amazing friends now, and they will be 4 and 2 this spring...I would encourage you to include your son in this...his family is growing and I think he may understand better if he gets to see you and the baby rather than have you disappear for a few days and then come home with a new baby - that might make him more jealous than not. Good luck!

Me and my second had to stay in the hospital for 3 days, so hubby brought my first daughter (who was 2 1/2 at the time) to see us. It was nice, to see her walk in and see her expressions, and all of the sweet things she was saying to the new baby. I'm glad she got to come in and see us, but at the same time, it was really sad for me to see her so upset when it was time to leave...without mom. I wanted to cry too! So I don't know which is a better way to introduce the new sibbling.
As for jealousy, I never really had that problem. I made sure to keep the oldest involved with the baby, by helping me out, getting diapers, watching with the bath, helping me get bottles ready...things like that. I think it made her feel like it was her baby too in the family, to enjoy...not just a sibbling entering in on her territory! Good luck and have fun!
K.