GOD Vrs. FAMILY "What to Do?"

A.,
A husband is called to love his wife as Jesus loves the church. This is a tall order; it calls for sacrifice, for dying to self, for unending devotion. It is no small order. You need to gently re-focus your husband. tell him that sacrificing his desire to be in the presence of the Lord for his family is a sacrifice of love. It is what his vocation as a father demands of him. So is his vocation as a husband. He is not a pastor. He is not called to spend every waking moment in the church at the cost of these two paramount vocations. I speak as a Cradle catholic, devoted to my faith, and one who takes her faith very seriously. My husband considered the priesthood before we got married. So I know the tension of a devoted husband to his faith. Choosing god over family is not a choice that God desires. Children are the fullest manifestation of God's fruitful love and blessings; they are not meant to be a choice that pulls a loved one away from you. Correctly directed, love calls us to sacrifice us for the other, it calls us to seek the better of the other; it is not self-seeking or selfish. (Tell him to read 1 Corinth. and ask him if his love towards you can be described in these terms.)
Certainly praying together, even when your focus is divided-like at church, is important. You need to find a church you can both go to so that prayer is the center of your lives-both of your lives.
And most of all, pray yourself for guidance, for forgiveness, for love. Love covers a multitude of sins. and this doesn't mean you ignore your partner's shortcomings. It means that viewed through the eyes of love, a lot of things come into proper perspective. Your husband must learn to see this, that his "love" needs to be directed first towards his family--and that through his devotion to his family, his devotion to god is apparent.
I'll be praying for you. Hope this helps.

All the revealed religions (Christian, Jewish, Moslem) say that parents will respond to God on "how they took care of their family". I don't think he is really going to a common chuch, maybe some kind of sect which is dangerous because those churches work hard to separate their members from family ties. Talk to him frankly, tell him you and you kids need him to stay, play and talk with you and that you need help in running the house. Nobody can be God's rival and God gives a big importance to the family

You might consider talking to the church leaders and let them know what is going on with you and your husband.

Your husband is ordered to love you as God loved the church. I do not think it is a matter of God vs Family, but Church/religion vs Family and that is dangerous. I would suggest marriage counseling and Not with the pastor at this church, perhaps a secular counselor. I am sorry you are feeling sad and unappreciated and unloved, just remember that one day your children are going to to be able to thank you and appreciate you for all the things you have done.

I agree with Cynthia. He may be using religion as an excuse to always be out of the house the same way other men use golf or work. He may be counting on you not to question it because church is a good thing, right? Not if it hurts the family. I also agree that a therapist outside the church is a good idea because I think this is a case where you need someone without a motive or connections to the community to really help you get through this. There was a family like yours on TV a while back. The father was always at choir practice and held offices with the church and the mother was very alone. It wasn't that he had to drop all of it, but he had to find balance and when he stepped down from some of his church duties, the pastor was very supportive. There are a lot of ways to honor God, and being a good father and husband is one of them.

If he is avoiding family then his priorities are wrong; because God asked the husband to put Him first place and family second - not last and then on down the list and he is last. Selfishness is not what God had in mind in coming closer to Him. I would continue to pray and if necessary seek help for you if not from that church then from one that is going to help meet your needs as well. I was a single parent and I know how hard it is but if you have a MOPS group or another type of group then you would be able to get out and share your experiences and concerns with others like yourself. I pray things get better for both of you.

You may want to see if he's using church to avoid addressing issues at home. If there's something he has been reticent to address, finding a new church home or minister with whom you both feel comfortable, you may find a way to talk about what's happening.

If that's not the case, talk to your husband about finding a church together that provides more activities for preschoolers, like your 4-year-old, and, perhaps, a nursery for the baby so that you are not left out of the loop. Ask him for a stay-at-home family prayer night. Tell him you share his investment in the Lord, but you need his help in establishing the right spiritual tenor at home and that his constant absences may be delivering a message to the family that he had not intended. Say it in a tone that gives him the benefit of the doubt so that he doesn't get defensive. Once you find somewhere you both feel comfortable attending, make sure you get involved in something so that he agrees to give you an afternoon or evening away where you can attend a church activity. I'm sure he would like to see you both grow in the Lord. Sometimes, people get so caught up in their own spiritual growth that they forget others need it, too. As long as he feels he has a partner in that growth, he may relax and become more open.

I agree with all of the moms below. One other suggestion is if your husband absolutely feels like he needs to go to church that often, perhaps you could suggest that you find a church where they offer childcare. I know most churches have nurseries where you can leave your children while you attend services. This would allow you both to spend time at church and with each other. This would also give you a better understanding of whether he wants to be there for God or for escaping the household. But I think the main thing you need to do is talk with him. Have you told him all of the things you have told us? Open communication is one of the best ways to let each other know how you are feeling and what your concerns are. I know sometimes I can be very upset about something and my husband can't tell and he doesn't think that what he did would be upsetting. As the other moms suggested, maybe a professional counselor would be the way to go. Good luck.

You received lovely and charitable responses thus far, but to counterbalance those, I must add: this seems far too peculiar to be wholly believeable as the whole story accounting for his MIA status. Are you certain he is going to the church? Are you sure of whom he meets at the church? Does the prior "problem pastor" have a role in summoning him, keeping him there or organizing what your husband is supposedly doing at the church? I have a feeling there was a very good reason you and your husband decided to avoid the church and that pastor in the past. Get a few current facts, get help and get yourselves both out of there!

It may be as the previous poster suggested that there is something fishy at the "church." Is the pastor with whom you had issues still there?

Or it could be that the church has nothing to do with it. Your husband may be using going to services/events as an excuse to get away from you.

In any case, you need marriage counseling. I'm leery of suggesting the pastor of that particular church, though. Call your spouse's employer to see whether they have an "EAP" (employee assistance program).