Giving Support to Birth Mother

Updated on February 09, 2010
R.M. asks from Colorado Springs, CO
13 answers

A friend of mine has decided to give her baby up for adoption. She isn't married and the father is unsupportive. What can I do to comfort her in this very difficult time in her life? Thank you for all of your help!

What can I do next?

  • Add yourAnswer own comment
  • Ask your own question Add Question
  • Join the Mamapedia community Mamapedia
  • as inappropriate
  • this with your friends

So What Happened?

Thank you very much for all of your suggestions! My friend had the baby this week and the adoptive parents are great. She knows that she made the right decision, but it is still hard (understandably!!!). I took her a meal yesterday and I'd like to spend some extra time with her this week. However, I have two young children and I'm concerned that that might make it difficult for her. What do you think?

Featured Answers



answers from Chicago on

She has made a wonderful choice. Recognizing that she can not take care of this child and giving it to a loving home for deserving people is such a wonderful gift. Focus on the positives of what she is doing and how this was a good choice. I have several friends that can not have children on their own and knowing that someone loves their child enough to give them a better life, and allowing a couple who can not conceive a chance to be parents, is the best thing in the world.

More Answers



answers from Detroit on

We adopted our daughter almost 7 years ago. L's birthmother didn't want open adoption but we gave her the option and shared all of our information with her. In the first 6 months we heard from her just 3 times and the common thread in all of the conversations was that everyone in her life just wanted her to forget and move on. I told her that she shouldn't do what others thought was right, she should do what she FELT was right. We discussed that she was grieving the loss of her child and she should be given time to do so. We've not heard from her in 6 1/2 years but I hope above all else she found someone that allows her to express her feelings, good or bad, about the adoption over the years.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Cincinnati on

Brava to you for wanting to support your friend! My husband and I are in the process of adoption. We both feel that it is so important to support the birthmother - I could never imagine what she is going through. There is a lot of information on the internet. It maybe helpful to read information, but remember that everyone reacts differently so don't expect her to react the same way as others. the best thing to do is be there for her and not to be judgmental. I would also recommend that she seek counseling (if she is working with an agency they may provide free counseling, if she is making a private adoption plan then the adoption family maybe able to cover the cost (it depends on the state laws).

some websites with info are:

hope that helps. Again you are a wonderful friend to want to support her desicion.
Take care

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Charlotte on


1 mom found this helpful


answers from Fort Myers on

Sorry R.,
I do not agree with her rational of giving her baby up because she is not married to the father of her child.

People and situations change. Also, it depends on which state your friend resides as to what the law will or will not allow concerning the biological father's signature requirements for approved adoption process in the legal court system of her state of residence.

To help her sort things through I would tell her to pick up the telephone and call an agency she would consider to help place her child for adoption. After speaking with a counselor that will be able to provide your friend with answers to questions and concerns she has, I would not hesitate to take as much time necessary to think through all the life long ramifications of her final decision.

I believe that adoption can work for the good of the child in certain situations but what you have described is not one that I would condone. Your friends future could include another man just jumping at the bit to become her babies "daddy". I feel for your friend and will keep her in my thoughts that she will do the right thing and not feel pressured financially or emotionally by anybody while processing everything she needs to do to get through this difficult time in her life.

Thanks for caring and sharing this story,

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Salt Lake City on

I totally understand what your friend is going through. I went through the same thing. The best thing is to be there for her and talk and listen. It will be the hardest thing she has ever done. What I did that was fun for me and helped me was that I was able to make and get gifts for my baby and give them to her and the adoptive parents to give her when she was older. Helps to know that you can give something. I went through lds social services they are great. They find out what things you like and try and find familys that match the things you enjoy so they can teach your baby. I got to read through a bunch of diffrent family's and choose. Then get to write once a year and it is great. I know that I did what was best for my baby. The best thing that helped me was to have people around to talk to about what I was going through. If you ever want to talk more about this you can wirte anytime. It also helped me to talk to others that have gone through the same thing.



answers from Denver on

God's blessings to you for wanting to support your friend. She will need good friends like you to help her through the process. I would encourage her to find a reputable licensed agency or attorney who can offer her counseling through the process and after the birth. My husband and I have been blessed with two beautiful boys by adoption. Their birth mothers were both unmarried and couldn't support them on their own. Birth mothers are very strong women....they love their babies enough to want to find a better home than what they can offer. Be a listening ear for your friend and help remind her the reasons why she is making an adoption plan for her baby. I will be praying for your friend through this process.



answers from Denver on

What a strong, self-less friend you have! It is a very difficult decision and I commend both of you.

We adopted both our children here in Denver and have been with them since the moment they were born!! We were in the hospital with the mothers gave birth and for our son, I was able to be in the room and cut the cord!

We got to know both our birthmoms and for the last couple of months of pregnancy I took them to their Dr. appts. (their mothers were out of state until the birth). It was an emotional time for all of us.

A couple of things both girls did was talk to me - a lot! - about what they were feeling and how they were handling it. There were times when their emotions and hormones were going crazy and they weren't sure what to do. Our first birthmom even expressed regret and thoughts of changing her mind. One thing we always did was make sure she knew it was HER choice. No guilt or talk of how we would feel if she changed her mind. Always remember it's HER baby to do with what she will. When our first birthmom went through that, I'd ask if she wanted to keep the baby and she would tell me she knew it was her horomones and the best thing for the baby was giving her to us. The support of family and friends played a huge part.

They also put together a photo album with pictures from their childhood (and the birth-fathers when possible). One very special thing they did was write a letter to the child. They put things in like how much they loved them, how they wanted them to have a mom and dad growing up, how we could give them the things they couldn't (college, home, yard, pets...siblings...) and how special the child would always be to them.... things like that.

We agreed to stay in touch and while neither girls wanted to be directly involved, I send cards and letters every year with updates. We are also friends on Facebook so we can stay in touch and keep up on what everyone is doing. One day, they will all meet in person again and my children will meet these amazing women who trusted us with their precious babies.

Adoption is such a blessing. I cannot tell you how proud I am of your friend for this very difficult decision and what an amazing gift she is giving.

God Bless you both -
C. (you - or her - can contact me anytime. I'd be happy to talk with her -or you!)


answers from Minneapolis on

She's doing an amazing thing. As a family who is waiting to adopt, rest assured what she is doing will be such an amazing gift for the family she chooses. We wait, not so patiently, for our gift to come to our family.

Be supportive of her, tell her how brave she is, and just make it known that you are there for her no matter what happens.



answers from Tulsa on

My daughter is having to sign her kids up for adoption after the state took them and she didn't do anything to get them back. I am already raising several of her children and am not able to take the other 3. The state has offered her the option of "open adoption". She will have visitation with her children and she will be able to keep in contact with them. Instead of the closed adoptions from the past, the newer way they are handeling adoptions is seemingly better for everyone involved, especially the children. As they grow up they get to meet future siblings, know who their extended relatives are, who they look like, they have the opportunity to blend their little lives in ways not allowed in the past.

I know someone who gave up her child and it destroyed her menatally, she never got over it, she wanted her baby to have a better life and it did, but she missed him every single day and it consumed her. She never married, had any other children, ended up being alone mourning that child.

Another friend was date raped in college, got pregnant, and her family wanted to adopt the baby but she couldn't face the thought of seeing that baby everywhere. Her family still gets tears in their eyes when they talk about that missing family member. This daughter has 5 or 6 kids now and handles the adoption well, is able to talk about it, and has moved on knowing the baby has a loving family. She still has times when she misses the child but is better able to handle it now.

So, we have decided to not ask to adopt these other grandchildren, there was much crying and saddness at first. We are very happy with what is going to happen, the foster family is adopting the 2 youngest that are in their home. The family lives in a nearby town and we see them just about every weekend. We include the kids in birthday celebrations and the foster mom even invited the whole family to her house for Christmas. My oldest granson is not being adopted by the foster family he is living with but things are heading towards my ex. and his wife adopting him. They are already raising the second grandchild, he went to live with them at about 5 months of age.

My daughter doesn't attend most of these get togethers, she does see the kids on her own with her own activities.

So, to you, what to do to support her, comfort her, help her to talk about it, help her to research her options fully, the is a final diecision, is it what she really wants or is it what she thinks she has to do to please others. She is going to go through many different moods and selfdoubt. Just be there for her.



answers from Denver on

I am a mother with four children, two of which are adopted. I would encourage her to place them in an adoption, where there is some level of openess. This is a huge benefit to both the child and to the mother. Secondly, I would be supportive and encouraging of her decision, while allowing her the freedom to change her mind.

We have not had contact with my son's original mother since he was four months old (her choice) but what I know aobut her has been a gift to our whole family. Our daughter on the other hand was a completely closed adoption (again original mom's choice) and while it felt very "safe" I feel like we all missed out on something.

I cannot tell you how much I love and appreciate the women that made our family possible. All of our children are well loved and a huge gift to us and those around him. I am so thankful for women, like your friend, who will at least consider the adoption option.



answers from Denver on

You are a great friend. I was say to be sure she finds a reputable organization to donate her child to. A friend of mine, who has been waiting for a baby for more than a year, selected an organization in Denver because it provided support to the birth moms and she wanted adoption to be the right choice for all. Please drop me a note if you have any questions--several of my friends and family have gone through the process and I may be able to help. If she's looking for an amazing couple to donate to, I could do a no-pressure introduction. There are so many wonderful people longing for babies. Your friend is doing a very noble thing!



answers from Pocatello on

I like to read a blog dedicated to adoption and birth mothers. It is . There are a lot of personal stories and articles and all sorts of links for both birth mothers and those hoping to adopt. Best of luck to you and your friend. You are amazing.

For Updates and Special Promotions
Follow Us

Related Questions