Getting Through a Separation...

Updated on April 17, 2008
K.M. asks from Richmond, VA
4 answers

I just recently posted a blog about my marriage. I have tried talking to my husband, I am now talking with a therapist and I am on Wellburtin. My question is where do I go from here. MY husband has this girl "friend" he says he can talk to her about anything that she doesn't judge him. He wants to see what happens with my therapy (the reason I am going is due to pass childhood things) and the medication. I want my husband more and more since he moved out a week and a day ago. I am terribly sad, my body hurts, I feel like I can't focus on anything but, my marriage and the "friend". My husband wants us to start off be friends again and see if anything happens from there. I have asked him to please not talk to this girl and other women about our relationship problems. My question is what do I do next?

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answers from Richmond on

Raina, I hear your fear, your sadness & your anger over your situation with your husband. Only you can decide what to do next, the important thing is to surround yourself with people, whether friends or family who support you in a positive way, in addition to your therapist. And if you don't have supportive friends/family, join a women's or separated parents support group.

In the event you have not already discussed this possibility with your husband, it would be beneficial if he is willing to go to couples/marriage counseling, so you can each hear the other's needs & feelings & receive helpful insights & recommendations.

If he says yes, great! That indicates he is still willing to work on you two reuniting. If he refuses to go, believes you are the one with the issues, then let him & the marriage go. It takes two to create a relationship, two people contribute & two people either connect deeper & deeper over time, or drift apart. His answer will let you know...

When I was living with a man in an unhealthy relationship, the WISEST words a friend spoke to me, while I was anguishing, was 1) To stop focusing on him & what upset me about him & to FOCUS on my own life & happiness, things I could control (can't make another do anything! so why waste thoughts, feelings there!) & 2) to be the happiest, healthiest Mom, for myself AND my children...

Your daughter NEEDS you to be gentle & loving with yourself, to make choices for you & her that bring happiness... She needs to have a Mom that is there for her, laughs & plays with her, to keep her life stable & loving through this. She needs YOU together & grounded... You can take the private moments to grieve or be angry, through journaling & therapy, take long, hot soaks in the bathtub... And when you two are together, you as the adult & mother are to be strong, loving, helpful & FUN! That will help you as well... when you are laughing & playing, you can't feel sorrow...

I wish you & your daughter Peace & happiness.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Richmond on


My heart bleeds for you as my marraige has its problems and so I think I know how you feel. There are three things that help me. First is my faith in God Almighty. That is hard to talk about as worship is something that people can get quite testy about! smiles...But if you want to discuss it, just let me know...we can always try!

The second is a good brand of B Complex and a good multiple vitamin. Without them, I can't seem to focus past my problems. B vitamins are the stress vitamins. Our body will use them exponentially when we are under a lot of stress. I am a health practitioner and have gotten many of my clients off anti-depressants with plain old B Complex. Not all brands work. Let me know if you want more details.

Finally, the third thing for me is friends that are not afraid to tell me when they think I have just messed up. Friends that will let me come at 2:00 in the morning to cry on their shoulder just because I need to destress! Friends that I can look at and think, "I would love for my life to turn out like theirs!" If their life is all messed up, then I don't think that their advice will be as helpful. I look for people who have had problems and have managed to work through them, not get stuck in them. These are my life-long friends that I love dearly. I hope you have some like that.

I wish you well.




answers from Richmond on

OK. This might sound harsh but I do not mean it to be. You are allowing yourself to be the victim (probably something that you've done in the past). Your husband has taken all the power away and you've let him. It's time that you focus on yourself and not him. Sounds hokey, but it's true. Regain your strength and you'll find out that you do not need people in your life who are supposed to "love you" but do not act like it.

He is not thinking of you right now. So do not think of him. If he's thinking about him and you are thinking about him who is thinking about you.... and who is thinking about your daughter?

Do not let him take your daughter's mom's spirit away. She'll miss you more than you can imagine!



answers from Richmond on

Dearest Raina ~

The three other responses you have recieved are just about the best advice I have ever read from anyone, anywhere. My hat goes off to all three. They are right on the mark and I simply couldn't add anything better than what they have said.
I will keep you in my prayers and wish you the best!

~ K.

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