Getting Husband to Take Better Care of His Health

I have had back problems off and on, and can attest to how grumpy it can make you!! Physical therapy has been a lifesaver for me, but maybe it is the fact that it is coming from you (his spouse)? It is always hardest to take direction from those closest to us (that is why I do not give my kids swimming lessons even though I taught many years ago!). Is there a friend or co-worker who could help him with the therapy? It is probably best to hear from a third party. Otherwise, you will end up sounding like a nag (I know, having been there myself!)

Don't make an issue of it. I know this is really hard, but the last thing you want to do is nag him and have him refuse to do it at all. Its very hard for a man to take advise from his wife. He's got the knowledge of how to fix the problems, but he needs to WANT to do it and WANT to follow through. Spend time building him up, giving him love, and meeting his needs as best you can. When he feels loved and accepted by you he'll be in a better position to invest in his health. (I don't mean to sound like you don't accept/love him unless he does these things, but sometimes an ego can read that into it...)

Best wishes!

Maybe you can approach the subject differently. Tell him that you worry about his health and want to make the two of you getting into better shape a priority because you want the two of you to be around for many, many more years. You want him around to see your kids graduate college and get married and you want him around when you have grandbabies to spoil rotten and run around with! =0) That's what I try to do with my hubby. I tell him that he's my whole world and I want him around for a long, long time!!! That means taking care of our health and being mindful of our dr check-ups, etc. I hear that grandchildren are wonderful and I want my husband and I to be able to keep up with them!!! =0)

Hi J.,

I strongly believe that talking to him about his diet and exercise will absolutely not work. It is a universal male-brain problem.

My only suggestion is, does your husband have a close guy friend that likes to play sports like raquetball or lift weights or something that could ask your husband to hang out with him and do those things? Men are very motivated by competition with each other.

And whenever you see him do anything healthy, lay on the adoration and praise of your husband.

Hi J.,
You are his wife.
You are not his coach or his therapist.
More importantly you are not his mother.
He is responsible for himself.
Your job is to ENCOURAGE him to be his best and to be his partner.
If he "ends up overweight, unhealthy and on tons of meds" then is that is his responsibility. Yes, all that will affect you and your family but ultimately you can not make him do anything.

When I realized I could not change my husband, I was much happier.
I started on a nutritional cleansing program (i needed to feel better and lose about 40 lbs) i asked him to join me and support me for just 30 days. I told him I would have a hard time doing it without him, I really needed his love and support. He agreed he could do "anything for 30 days". It changed both of our lives. (www.SolutionsForMyFamily.com)

J., love him, be his wife and do what you need to do for YOU. He will figure it out for himself. You can either "go with his flow" or swim against it. It is your marriage, your choice.

B.
Family Success Coach

I will be watching this closely for suggestions. My husband sounds a lot like yours (except he's 47), although he has recently started going to the doctor. :-) He needs to exercise because his back is much better when he exercises, and so is his cholesterol. He isn't overweight, but he feels so much better when he exercises. The problem is that he will only exercise with me, and our schedules for exercising are very different right now. I'm feel the same way you do. I want him to grow old with me. It's frustrating when he won't take care of himself, but I don't want to nag. I'll be watching this for suggestions. Thanks for posting the question!

Why are YOU sitting around doing nothing? He's obviously the one doing nothing. You could try by example. Go work out or something.
Back trouble could be anything. And physical therapy isn't the only answer to addressing the problem. Does he see a chiropractor? Maybe it's your mattress that needs to be replaced (Select Comfort/Sleep Number beds are highly recommended). I went to an orthopedic doctor who talked about putting a rod up my spine or fusion. I walked away in tears. I shortly after did do spinal decompression. It's expensive and insurance probably still doesn't cover it, but I did have improvement. Maybe it's a matter of a compromised disk.
And a lot of it is male pride and ego. HE has to want to not end up like his parents. It has to start with him first. All the good input will accomplish nothing until he alone comes to the realization he needs to do something. It's fear, it's laziness born from fear, and it's pride. Either get angry enough with him or get soppy-eyed and cry a lot because you're 'scared and worried' about him doing nothing. A lot of times it's a dent to a guy's ego that 'the little lady'' knows something HE doesn't and can't be told. So stop being the physical therapist with him and be the angry or teary-eyed wife who's concerned he can't pick up his kids. Go out and invest in a quality bed. You'll benefit from it too, so it's a joint purchase.

Try suggesting yoga. Its exercise that doesn't FEEL like exercise, so it may be easier to do. There are yoga studios and often community centers and fitness centers offer yoga classes as well.

This was an issue I dealt with in my marriage, too. I exercise regularly, am at my proper weight, with great blood pressure, cholesterol level, etc. My ex is obese, with high blood pressure, and several other medical issues. I eventually came to realize that there is nothing you can do to *make* another person do anything, especially in the areas of diet and exercise. I was always careful not to criticize, but to encourage and suggest, to invite him along for walks, tell him how I wanted him to be healthy so we could both watch our daughter (now 7) grow up, etc. Nothing worked. And his doctor wouldn't even address his weight issue!

So, sorry, I don't have a solution for you. Take care of yourself and your own health, and try to let go of what is his responsibility, not yours. Be a positive role model for your children.

Sometimes it takes seeing the right Dr. My husband was the same way. Never went to the Dr, new he had high blood pressure and ignored it for years. 2 1/2 years ago he was mowing the lawn and got a bloody nose, that would not stop. He continued to have bloody noses on and off all weekend. On Monday I finally convinced him to go to a walk in clinic. The Dr took his blood pressure and it was through the roof. It is because of that Dr and the way he talked to him that my husband finally started to take his health seriously. He was so blunt and up front, yet not condecending at all.

Wow sounds like my husband 39, he has hypertension and is overweight. He refuses to go to the DR and get a check up. He thinks because he plays tennis 1 night a week it gives him the ok to eat so poorly. He tries to eat better for about 3 weeks and then gives it up. I try to buy healthy snack for the kids suger free jello etc but my husband ends up eating most of it. And he drinks way to much soda pop.

All I can say is take care of yourself, your husband is a grown man who needs to make his own decisions. I understand you wanting him to get up and get moving I exercise 3-4 days a week 40-60 minutes with cardo and weights but my husband just doesn't get it. His family too has major health problems, cancer, diabetics, hypertension etc.

Good luck

ok reading this I was like this is totally my life! My husband never goes and gets a check up and his family has major medical problems like heart and cancer his cousin only 43 just passed from having a major heart attack I did force him to get a check up before our daughter was born and she is 3 now. All I'm going to do cause like you I don't want to sit here and feel like I'm doing nothing and nagging him all the time to go to the doctor it to make sure we have a will in place and that I know his wishes if something bad were to happen. Good luck I hope you can get him to go to get his check up!!

Ask him to work out with you, I have just started working out again (like two days ago) and today I was saying I already feel like I have more energy... I also mentioned that I don't want to end up like my parents (health wise) because they are on tons of meds that could have been advoided with a good healthy diet and regular exerise. After that he said yeah I should get back into a work out routine again (he use to run) and I said if you want to do it together I am all for that. So today he is looking into the YMCA and other places to find what will work for him.

So I would say offer to work out together, support is the best way to stay on track so ask for his support in working out with you. Don't make it about him, if you are always excited about eating healthy, having energy after working out that might want him to make himself better and with you asking him to support you and work out with you he think he is working out to help you not for you nagging him. If he does not then he is not ready in his mind, he has to want to.

My husband also has health issues and won't take care of himself. I found that the more I "nagged", the worse it became. Over the years, I've just learned to deal with it and focus on the things I can change, like cooking healthier meals, suggesting we talk walks, etc.

The bottom line is HE has to want to make the changes.

Good luck.

You sound just like me. For years my husband would resent anything I had to say about him taking better care of himself. His back would ache and I'd tell him most likely the problem with his back was his front. My mantra became "I nag because I care". Well, it eventually sank it. He finally got fed up with himself and he began working out at the gym on his base for 2 hours every day after work. I swear for awhile it seemed like he lived on practically nothing but salad. Over a year and a half, he lost 150 lbs. He looks and feels great! And he's maintained it for over a year. He still works out 5 days a week. Now I have to get my act together and lose some weight myself.

Your situation is almost exactly like mine (though my husband doesn't have the chronic back pain).

Mine is 35, we have a 3.5 year old and a 22 month old. He gained a significant amount of weight when I went through chemo a year and a half ago -his way of coping with the stress was to eat his way through it. He's on BP and cholesterol meds and is battling depression. Both is parents have Cariovascular disease, and his father's already had at least 1 heart attack.

There is no delicate way to discuss it - my guess is that (in addition to the back pain) he's dealing with some depression issues that either he hasn't recognized or doesn't want to admit.

Good luck. I just wanted to let you know you're not alone in this battle.