Getting Divorced with a 5 Month Old Son

Divorce is so hard and I have to say you are in a better place legally getting divorced at five months than waiting until they are older. You will want to establish sole physical custody if not sole legal custody so that you can have rights and freedoms as a mother. my thoughts to you.

well i am very sorry to hear that . my kids are grown two boys i live in north andover . single feel free to ask any advice you need i am here

Dawnamrie

Hi M.... How about calling a lawyer? You're going to need one anyway. You will need on that knows the law - I fear for you looking for advice from people that don't know it.

Otherwise - regarding starting over. Your whole life right now should be focused on your child. FORGET DATING!!! (Unless that was a joke, which maybe it was.)

The very last thing your son needs in his life right now is another man! There are so many negative implications of this right now - for him and for you.

Your marriage and dreams are ending. You need time to grieve and mourn - that can't be rushed. And just try for a moment to feel what your son must be feeling - his dad has disappeared!! He has NO IDEA why, nor is "why" a question. There's just a gaping hole in his life and he's now living with strangers. (Not strangers to you, but strangers to him. Strange sounds, strange smells, strange faces... and where's Daddy's face?)

Get it?

So my other very strong suggestion is to run, not walk, to a very good therapist's office so you can be sure to do your best to support your son through this difficult and traumatic time.

Difficult and traumatic for you as well. But you must live in it and walk through it. There is no shortcut or quick fix. Feel the pain. Live in the loneliness. There's a gift in all of it and you will be stronger and better as a result.

So walk through the fire - look for the gift. Don't focus on the negative. Be your own strong, mature person with a good parenting relationship with your ex-husband before you bring a new man into your son's life.

It's worth it - just for him.

Blessings to you. Be strong. Cry a lot if you have to.

This is just a season in your life. It will pass.

Hi M.! Boy, when I read your request, I knew exactly what you are going through. So let me tell you my story. My fiance & I were together for 6 years. The day I found out I was pregnant, I came home and his stuff was packed and gone. He wanted to focus on law school. I went through the pregnancy and delivery alone with friends availalble here & there. My son's 1st year of his life was trying , challenging , happy, feeling alone, sad, scared, all of the above to say the least. People tried to understand, but couldn't. My friends would come over and stay with the baby , so I could shower, do laundry, etc and leave and go home to their husbands, that was difficult for me, especially my friends who were stay at home moms. I felt like I was always "busting my tail" to make everything work out financially and emotionally and couldnt get it together. I was working as a social worker. My collegue approached me and stated that I needed to get it together and "move on". My son was approx. 12 months old then. So I did. I thought, I'm going to get my haircut and buy some clothes that make me feel good, I deserve this. My friend came over and said I should try Yahoo personals, I did. I signed up on a Tues. Met my husband three days later, we arranged to meet on my lunch break. We hit it off so well, it was an immediate connection. (If you ever choose Yahoo..be very honest about your situation..My ID was "Single mommy seeks single gentleman". My husband recently adopted my son, now our son. he knows him as is his daddy. That was three years ago. We were recently married and completed all formalities with the court.

I hope that this gives you some hope. I know it was hard for me to find hope some days. I know personally how hard this is for you. I took him to court, went through the whole child support ordeal with an attorney, and recently terminated his rights. You and your husband have to decide if he wants his daughter in his life or not, to be supportive, to be respectful to you, to "step up". Don't let him off the hook for child support. Be resourceful, there are things out there available to single moms. You are not alone. Keep your head up and keep smiling. Believe it or not, this will make you grow and be VERY strong. God doesn't give you things you cannot handle.
Give your baby lots of hugs & kisses..
God bless,
K.

Hi M.,
I'm sorry to hear what your going through.
I am a single mom of an 8 month old boy. My son's father is my ex- boyfriend, knows about my son, has seen him once and has no role in his life. I am perfectly fine with that, given what I have come to learn about who he is. During my pregnancy and the early months of my son's life, I was absolutely tormented by the situation I was in, staying up nights worrying, etc. But somethng my midwife said to me was a great source of comfort and so far has turned out to be absolutely true. She said "these situations tend to work out exactly in the way that is best for mother and, especially, the child." It has been true so far.
What do you want to happen?
Does your child's father want to remain in his life or is he anxious to hit the road?
What is the best thing for your son? It's a little early now, but the most important thing is that you never involve your son in any of the friction between you and your ex. Also remember that, as your son's primary caregiver, your sanity has a direct impact on your son's health and happiness; so if your ex is making you crazy, don't hesitate to talk to your lawyer about what the groundrules are, or should be. There are free legal resources out there for single moms, too.
Good luck, don't let any bad behavior on your ex's part ruin what will be a wonderful time for you and your child.

I'm sorry that you are going through all that.

Its hard to be on your own, of course, but there are some really nice things too. I had my oldest child when I was really young, and her biological father left me. So it was just her and me for over three years before I met my husband.
Of course I felt lonely and I wondered if I would ever meet someone new. That wasn't fun.
We bonded though. We spent so much time with it just being us we were really close. Because it was just the two of us, I could focus all my attention on my daughter and she was the most well-spoken, polite, brave, smart, creative little kid. It was amazing.

Hannah was about a year old when I started dating again... I usually went out with friends one night a week, and my mother would watch Hannah. I could focus on having fun and I didn't have to worry about my baby because I knew she was safe with my mom.

Also, maybe you can look into a mommy group? Or start one? Its nice to have other mommies to hang out with...
I recently started a knitting group on Wednesday mornings because I was feeling a bit lonely during the day... Sometimes I get alot of people, sometimes only one other mom, but either way I get to talk for a while to someone who is not my offspring. LOL

I got divorced when i was pregnant with my daughter. My kids are 18 months apart. In the beginning it was very difficult for me because i had to go back to work immediately after i gave birth to my daughter. I found a network of single mothers in my area and i think this is what helped me the most. It took almost 8 years for me to finally get some type of child support (he had taken a bad turn in his life). I became very good friends with a couple of the single mother's and we would really help each other out with childcare, etc. I also looked forward to the small dinner's we'd have just to escape for a bit and talk. I found dating to be very hard, especially as my children got older.

Dear M.- I am sorry to hear of your situation. It is very difficult. I know, because my ex-husband and I separated from each other when my son was about 6 months old. I have pretty much raised him myself. He still sees his father but only every other weekend. I am not certain on the implications of you moving away but I would recommend seeking counsel. I found a lawyer who I knew would fight for what I thought I deserved given the circumstances and in the end she proved to be a fighter and glad she was fighting for me! Raising a child by yourself is tough. I loved every moment but I never have a moment for myself so it is easy to get overwhelmed. However, my son and I are so close so hopefully it has all worked out. As for dating and meeting new people there are various avenues. I met many new friends from the classes I take my son too. And now my son has some more friends as well. As for dating, most of my friends are married so it was hard for me to find a man through friends. I actually met an amazing man through one of the online dating. He is wonderful. But I decided to go on these on-line sites when I felt I was ready. I wish you all the best. You will get through it and things will certainly get easier over time. Just realize your child is so young that he will not know the difference and will only know being raised by you! I am also happy to talk about my experience. Good luck! C.

Hi M.,
How I do understand, when my husband left our youngest was 2 and we had 5 children. I would suggest you check the local book store for a book on divorce in Maine. The next big question is who will file? That will have a big impact on a number of things. Will your ex be staying in Oregan? Your best bet is to read up on it all. When I got divorced, there were requirements on how long I had to be in the state prior to filing. Good luck and if I can be of any help, just let me know. I've been there....

I am sorry to hear about your soon-to-be single parenthood. I, too, was a single parent for 6 1/2 yrs. Did you say that you are now living in Gray, Maine and you moved from Oregon?? I moved to Maine from Oregon almost 13 yrs ago. Why Maine? If you would like to talk, I am here..S.

Hello M.,

First I would like to say to you that I am sorry to hear that you marriage is over. It is always disturbing to hear about a divorce. I guess you are feeling a bit overwhelmed right about now. Not to mention all the changes you are going through with the divorce. First of all you know that your life is going to change....but not nessasarily for the worst. Depending upon why you ended in divorce it you could find peace in your house once again. Raising children alone is a challenge but you are a woman and you can do anything. When I found out that I was pregnant I had already made the decision to leave his Father. Big decision but although everyone told me I was crazy I still had to follow my mind. I went through my pregnancy alone and the birth and I am still alone. It was a struggle for me because a child is the biggest responsibility in life. I had not my Mother or any family to even tell me what was normal and what was not. I was scared about finance and everything else but one thing for sure was that God made a way for me. He will make a way for you. I was an older Mom (40 when I had my Son). My focus was to do the best job with him that I could and finding a another mate was not important to me but you may be younger and may want another chance at a relationship. If this is the case you will know what to look for in a man this time around. My advise to you is this TAKe your time!!!! Do not be in such a hurry to get back in that water. You must grieve your loss first. You do not want to carry all that with you into another relationship. You also want to make certain that whomever you involve yourself with will accept your Son and love him. If he does not kick him to the curb and keep stepping. You will make it just fine. At times it will be hard but you will make it. Keep your chin up and make your heart known to God. He will provide for you and hear you desires.

C.

Hi M., I think you have a lot of good suggestions about meeting people - the other single moms in my life were the biggest blessing I have ever experienced, and provided emotional support, friendship, and we traded a lot of babysitting with each other. If your ex is far away, you won't have the potential challenges of frequent visitation, but you won't have a break either, so setting up a way to trade babysitting locally is the best advice unless you have family who will provide this. Legally, you should definitely get a lawyer - I'd recommend a collaborative divorce (child focused, you and your ex can be represented by one person who will draft your agreement) if you can, or getting someone to represent you if it is less amicable. If you are physically really far away, I would try to get sole legal custody so that you can make medical and educational decisions on your own or it may cause delays in situations where you need his father's consent for care. Of course, you should encourage them to have a positive relationship to the extent that they can, unless dad has such severe problems that he will be bad for him. Whatever you agree to, get it all in writing - so many people I know think it will be straightforward, and then the ex turns out to be a different person than you thought. Even though it may seem like a lot (mine started out to be $1500 for an uncontested divorce but ended up costing more) it will cost you much less than having a bad agreement that you have to live with for many years. And, I'll agree with the others that say hold of on dating for awhile -- if you're sad, upset, and lonely I'd go to a support group or therapy instead or you are likely to end up with another partner who is wrong for you. And, hang in there - now, 6 years later, I'm happily remarried and my son is doing well.

M.- I'm so sorry to hear about your divorce. I left my ex-husband when my son turned one. I have no family nearby but his family was still wonderful to me and my son. I focused on his needs, made friends with other Moms at daycare (bc I was working fulltime), met people at the parks on the weekends, invited new friends over with their kids for coffee/playdates...just took it one day at a time and kept myself focused on being a good Mommy and a good person! Go for walks with him in his stroller to get out of the house. When my son was about 3 and a 1/2 I started online dating. I had a long-term relationship because I felt ready and it was not a rebound thing from my divorce. That relationship ended after 3 years, but today I am happily married, my son is now 11 and our beautiful daughter will be 3 in May. Just don't worry so much, make friends with other Moms, and take it day by day. We're so much stronger than we give ourselves credit for! Best of luck.

Hi! I am going through a very simliar situation right now with my ex and my 2 year old son. I started dating on the site www.askmeaboutmykids.com its awesome and has lots of resources for single parents, all the dating is with people who are single fathers too! I've already met one great guy and we've been dating and just relating on going through breakups and single parenthood and such. I'd love to talk more, if you'd like to, send me a message. Good Luck!

First, let me tell you not to worry... you may seem lonely and on your own now, but things will get better (I promise). I have a daughter (who is now 8) and I am not married to her dad (we were never married) but are still having odd legal issues from time to time. I don't know what happens in a divorce, but please make sure you protect yourelf and your rights with your little one. I am now re-married with 2 more kids and am constantly having to fight little battles with my ex just to get things done. We are finally going to court this friday once and for all to get it all done right! So if you can, find yourself a lawyer and make sure you have custody, visitation and support all spelled out..

As for the meeting people part, well, i can't be much help on where to find potential dates, though i don't think there is any shame in meeting people online. It allows you the comfort of a little anonymity, through the computer, to put yourself out there before having to meet people face to face, but it might not be something everyone is comfortable with. Another idea, for you and your little one, is to look at a website called meetup.com. you can type in your town and find out what other mom's might be doing (The town I live near, Townsend, posts playdates at parks etc..) it's a great way to get out and meet other moms with kids and make some new friends..

Good luck to you, and hang in there.. it does get better!!

Check around and see if there is a group of Mom's with young ones who meet periodically. Check out a local church;check local newspaper to see what is in your community, make friends with a neighbor.
Good Luck

Hey M.,
My hubby left me when I was pregnant with our second child. I was very lonely, even though I had a lot of famly support around me. I would strongly suggest that rather than focusing on anotherman, you start developing some meaningful friendships in the area. That is probably the way you will eventually end up meeting another man anyway, and girlfriends that you can confide in and just share your sadness and happiness with can be a life saver. My friends so often kept my head above water. Another man will come in time. The less you are actively looking, the less likely you are to make mistakes in that department. I feel for you. Its a long lonely road, and no one REALLY ever knows how hard it is, but you can build in some cushion by finding some nice people and leaning some when you need to.

I was in a similar situation...except he never moved. (It's been for the better.) I highly recommend settling into your new life with your child before worrying about dating. Join some play groups to meet people with children. Dating as a single mom can be tricky. I have a rule...they don't ever meet my child unless I'm sure I want to keep them around. He only met a couple, and that was after many, many months of dating.

Good luck!

Hi M.,

I am sure this is hard for you and your family. End of marriage, a little child, moving to new state, etc. My heart goes out to you. I don't know where you live, never heard of Gray. But if you are anywhere near West Hartford I would gladly offer you some babysitting. I would suggest joining a Mom's group, I am part of the Holistic Mom's group here in West Hartford and they are great. In fact, one Mom of 2 kids just kind of felt overwhelmed and asked for some help and we all are taking turns doing some babysitting for you to give her a break. It is nice to have a good support system. I can understand being lonely, I moved around alot with the military but I definitly wouldn't recommend jumping into dating....maybe just spend some time getting to know yourself. Also finding a church you feel at home with and having that support is a great thing also. I attend Calvary Fellowship in West Hartford and I just love our pastor, the music but most of all the members who are great.

Okay, hope this note finds you in good spirits. Spring is just around the corner so that is a plus.

Good luck! God Bless! W.

Hi M.,

Sorry to hear of your situation and I wish you all the best. There is a great web site called meetup.com that can introduce you to different groups of your liking, mom's groups, support groups, etc. Good luck with everything.

hi, look in the paper for play groups or see if there's a local YMCA. I work at one and not only can you bring your child free you get a membership free for working there. It's also a great place to meet new people.

Good luck

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. My husband and I tried a seperation last November and decided to try work it out, but we did a lot of research about what the legal implications would be for our 2 and 3 year old sons. A friend of mine is a LLL leader and herself was divorced while pregnant with her first. She was a wealth of imformation.

If you are breastfeeding, here's another advantage....there are NO overnights away from you until the child is 2 years old. Check local laws, though. This might just be in MA. Get some good legal advice, sometimes you can find a free morning of 'open house advice' at a local firm (this helps them meet their pro bono requirements). Be your baby's strongest advocate. Yes, Dad should be in his life, but a baby needs Mama every day for the first few years, and Dad is kind of extraneous for that time. This realisation is what made my husband rethink moving out.

I was also overwhelmed by the thought of being single with young kids, but I have actually built the beginnings of a framework of friends, both single and married, with kids of similar ages. We sometimes trade babysitting hours and often just provide the kind of support that even us married women do not find in our homes. Here are some ideas of where to get started meeting people:

*Meetup.com (look for single Moms' groups)
*Your local church, especially if there's a healthy and large children's program
*Sign up baby for a music class
*Do swimming lessons with baby at the local YMCA
*Don't make your AM coffee, get it at the local coffee shop. You might meet some locals or not, but at least you'll be dressed and out of the house with the baby to start the day!

Best luck

Hi..I am a 34 yo stay at home mom with 3 beautiful children from my 1st marriage (14 13 8) and a beautiful 4 month old daughter with my husband now. We have been married a little over a year and together for 3 1/2. As far as the legal aspects it can be very complicated depending on the situation. Especially if your ex is a jerk like mine!!! but as far as starting over, for me, it was a breath of fresh air, and a releif from the life I was living. At first small steps are best...I bought myself new bedding...spruced up the house a bit. Then with advice from friends I went on match.com....maybe not to have a serious relationship but to just meet new people. That's where I met my husband...we e-mailed and talked for quite a few weeks before we met....we have been together ever since. I have learned from him that no one should settle and fairy tales are true. He is a wonderful man...loving father step-father and husband. Keep your head up and look at it as another chance to be truly happy. YOU DESERVE IT!

You poor thing! I am so sorry for your troubles! I would say go to a church - often times churches have Mother programs where you can meet other Moms and their children. They can be a vaulable source of info and support! Good-luck!

Hi M.,
Sorry to hear about your situation....I too am going through a divorce and have a 2 and (almost) 5 yr old. For me its tough but I know in my heart of hearts it is whats best for me, and ultimately the best for them in the long run. The only advice I can give you is always remember to ask yourself..."is this in the best interest of my child" everytime you do something. I would stay away from any "men" right now....you need time to heal.
One of the best places that I have found to meet other moms is the library for childrens hour....There is also a playgroup in Raymond (the next town over). I live fairly close to you. Feel free to email me anytime!
Take care.
L.

I finalized my divorce last year. I am 30 with a 8yr old, 5 yr old and one on the way. Try to google mom's groups on the net. I live in Mass. so I did Mass.mom's groups. It's a great way to meet other moms in your area. They organize playgroups and just mom's meetings. Good luck with everything.