Getting Along with My Mother

I think we have all been there...around others with chronic complaints. There is not much you can do, except what you are already doing and perhaps just interrupt and say something randomly positive. It might just knock her off the negative track and yes if you don't stop it, it does come down like a freight train!

There's a fairly straightforward 3-phase communication that I learned out of desperation, being a founding member of Pushovers Anonymous. You can use it when somebody is asking you to do something you don't want, or when you want to get out of a conversation that's leaving you feeling helpless. I find it ALMOST always helps, and often, the thing you don't want simply fades away.

First, state what you hear the speaker is concerned about (or wants from you), addressing the feelings and needs that you hear. Then use the magic word AND to lead into your response – this allows the speaker's concern and yours to stand on equal footing, without just rejecting outright the thing you don't want. Finally, state your wishes, simply, courteously, and clearly, in terms of what you feel or what you need.

For you, this might sound like this: "Mom, I hear that you want to talk about my brother again. I hear that his choices are very worrisome for you. AND, I don't want to talk about him during this lovely meal I fixed for you. I'd like to spend an hour enjoying our food and finding pleasant things to talk about."

Or like this: "Mom, your worries about my brother is the topic of every conversation lately. AND I notice that we never solve his problems, and just create negative feelings for ourselves. I need a break."

There are so many ways to phrase this sort of request, and though we are afraid of hurting feelings, when we speak in terms of our own feelings and needs, that is usually pretty well received. And sometimes even with gratitude – negative people are sometimes relieved to be guided in a more positive direction.

And when you are taking care of your own legitimate needs in this positive and grownup way, you'll discover that much of your own impatience and judgement will go away. Good luck. I've been where you are more often that I wish to recall.

May I suggest to try something that may change her perception of life? Those are programs designed to help people get a different prospective on themselves, their relationships, situations, and life in general. They are good is you are going trough changes, and want to see it all in prospective.

1. Landmark Education. The closest center is in Dallas. http://www.landmarkeducation.com/landmark_forum.jsp

2. Art of Living. You can find courses in Oklahoma: http://secure.artofliving.org/courses.aspx

These are not religious. First one is mostly based on NLP, and is sutable for anybody. I am sure there are many more alternatives you can find, if you want.

You are going to have to tell her the topic of your brother is off the table.
She needs a seniors group, and possibly a depression support group, and a hobby.

I have been through this, almost exactly. You can either bend to her and end up being her only companions and feeling guilty every single time you want to go see a movie or out to dinner with your husband, and feeling extremely tired and stressed as she drains you with her constant complaining... or you can be honest with her, tell her you are worried about her depression and encourage her to go to counseling to help wih her issues. Let her know how much her complaining bothers you and that you all need to work on accepting and loving your brother and hoping he comes around and makes wiser choices, but no amount of complaining is going to change that. He needs love and support. Also, tell her you love her and desire to spend time with her, but you prefer to focus on the positive and enjoy each other's company so you can all get past these issues and have a quality time.

Encourage her to seek a women's club, maybe a sewing, knitting, book, cooling.. .whatever, anything to help her meet people and get out of the house and look forward to something.

umm... seriously, I have been through this identical same thing, feel free to message me if you want! My mom hated me for a while when I finally (after years of this) sat down with her and lovingly laid out these types of ground rules... but after she came around a few weeks later, it honestly helped and really made our relationship better... as well as better with the family members she kept complaining about.

Yes, I understand. I learned to do just what you are doing.....keep the visits as small doses. I have to do this to protect myself from negative people. There are people I love that are bitter and negative. I can't fix that, but I can protect myself a bit. I also learned not to argue with them, or to come up with solutions for them. I'm only going to get shot down or in a power pull. (I say I've learned but sometimes I forget and get sucked in) Just listen and try to turn off as much as you can.

Be mentally prepared before your Mom comes over, and possibly consider what is called "fogging." For example if your Mom looks at you and says "Your brother isn't doing it right!" Your response would not be a disagreement or an alternate suggestion, it would be "That could be." You aren't really agreeing but you aren't arguing either so it is less likely to fuel her fire. After awhile if she doesn't get what she wants from you she will be less likely to continue.

If you want to give your Mom information on activities you think might interest her, great! But keep in mind that your Mom may be very comfortable in her depressive state right now and only she can decide to change that.

Are you kidding?? Yes!!!!

I think aging does not bring out the best in a lot of people. My own mother became very negative (she was always a bit of a tough nut, however), so I know exactly what you are talking about.

I've learned to be very blunt. You have to say, "Mom, I don't want to talk about Joe any more." (If Joe is your brother's name.) If she brings him up again, repeat yourself.

You will be able to at least silence her, even if you won't change her perspective on things. Seeing what has happened to my mother, and certain other older people that I've known, has been a caveat to myself. Beware, self, this is what might happen to you as you age. So when I start seeing my outlook become negative, I try to slap myself out of it.

Unfortunately, you won't likely change her. I really believe their brain gets rewired that way. All you can do is make her shut up in your presence.

She needs to see a Doctor for her depression..... and/or a Therapist.
You cannot be expected to be her "Therapist" and it will drain you and your family. Thereby being dysfunctional and not good for your family's well being... nor your kids.

Have her join clubs/groups/anything... to get her more social. If she does not want to do that... well then, that is her choice.
But you can't 'babysit' her, either.
You either enable her or not.... but ultimately, SHE has to take steps too, to help herself... seeing a Doctor and/or a Therapist... or join a Support Group for depression.... so she can vent there.

It is an unhealthy dynamic.... that this is creating.... so, it needs to change. You/Husband/your kids... cannot be held hostage to it... or it will all affect your mental health too.

Only a Professional... can help.
And/or, you will have to see a Therapist too... JUST to know how to deal with your Mom and how she is debilitating you/your family...

She has needs... which a Professional can help her with... and/or medication for her Depression....

And realize, that no matter what you do... she WILL complain.... but it is meanwhile, dragging down the whole family and you. I imagine, it is hard to tolerate too, for your Husband.... think of the overall impact of this, on your family... and get her some help.

I would... go on about your life and what you normally do. She needs to get used to that too.... not just being 'babysat.' You cannot change your entire life.... she CAN be 'functional' too.... with professional help.
Check in on her.... see that she is doing basic self-care and bathing and eating etc. have get togethers etc. But, AND have her see a Doctor. She needs help... which is beyond what a layperson can do.

How old is she? If elderly... can she perhaps have dementia??? Or is she just Depressed??? Have her see a doctor and get proper care/medication/Therapy.

all the best,
Susan

I have the same type of relationship with my mother, she yacks and yacks and never stops talking long enough to listen. I only visit her when I'm in the mood and I dont answer the phone if I'm not in the mood either. You may want to have a few current event topics to bring up once you tell her that you dont want to hear about your brother anymore, and then redirect the conversation. You are not your mother's keeper, so don't let her mess up your marriage. My mom tries to all the time.... very demanding with my time especially since my stepdad died earlier this year and she is alone. She is trying to get me and my husband to take his place in her life, and we just cant and dont want to do that... So, you just have to set boundaries. Sounds like she doesnt have any friends because no one likes to listen to her go on and on and complain. No one likes to be around depressing people. Maybe you could get her some magazine or book subscriptions to keep her busy so you dont worry about her being home all alone. Teach her how to use a computer and get her a laptop and let her blog away in some chat room somewhere.... I got my mom on FB finally... so now she doesnt bug me as much and knows everything that's going on in the family by looking at facebook stuff.

i had a friend who always always always called or visited to complain about her husband. i couldn't get a word in. she was a childhood friend so i could have easily thought of her as family. man, it was difficult to pretend i was listening. she didn't want advice. she just went on and on.
somi started telling her right away after answering the phone that i didn't want to hear about her husband. it didn't work. she'd still go on and on. then i started saying it's affecting me how i view her because of all her complains. didn't work. i finally stopped answering her calls.

I think you have been a very good daughter. You have shown grace far beyond what she is showing you. If she is unwilling to yeild to your suggestions and possible solutions, then can I ask if you are you willing to try having a very honest conversations with her? Why not pick up some muffins and coffees and surprise her with a visit. Tell her you have something important you need to talk to her about. I'd think it through thoroughly first and be sure of what you want her to know. Let her know how this negativity makes you feel and that, though you understand her difficult situation, it's creating toxicity in your relationship with her. Tell her you love her, and want to help her, but feel you can no longer entertain the kinds of conversations she want to have with you. Do some research and present her with a few names and numbers of local groups you think she might fit into (dancing, senior groups at your recreation center...). Maybe even a couple of doctors that she should consider seeing for her depression. If you do some legwork, she'll see that this is a serious problem for you, and perhaps she will take it more seriously.
Maybe you could set up a standing dinner once or twice every week at your house for her...(every Tue. & Fri. at 5:00?). This might help her understand better that you are striving for balance and not that you're angry.
I know this is a sticky situation, good luck!

I don't know how old she is, but you could try to find some activities for her with others her age. Our park district has some fantastic outings and classes for seniors; if yours doesn't, look at the towns around you. There are also game days (a few hours a week) at some retirement homes. You could call around and see if any near you offer these. You might have to pay as you would for a class, but she might meet other friends she could meet at other times, thus freeing you of the feeling that you're her only friends there. Would she be interested in volunteering? You could give her a few suggestions of places- maybe with kids? If it were me, I would concentrate on finding her some new friends. That's the only thing that saves me with my mom- she's busy with other things a lot so I don't feel so obligated. However, I still get guilted that I don't see her enough.... so I guess there's no perfect answer!

The one thing that I couldn't stop thinking about when I read your post was that you said your mother left Florida to be with you in Oklahoma. Why did you let her do that when she doesn't know anybody except you and your husband? I am assuming she must have had some friends (and maybe family) in Florida? It was a bad idea for an already depressed person to leave everyone she knows behind and move to an unfamiliar place where she knows nobody except you and your husband. I think it was a very bad idea for your mother to follow you to Oklahoma. I think she should actually move back to Florida where she has some friends and maybe some family and be treated for her depression there. She will be much more miserable by you as opposed to Florida. Get her back to Florida in her comfortable surroundings, back with her friends, etc. and if you want to help her, make sure she is taking her depression medication (hopefully she has medication - if not, have her to to a pychiatrist and get some) and make sure she is involved in many activities/hobbies.

I LOVE the suggestion that she do a course through Landmark... my Mom got the entire family to do this after she had great success.

I understand how hard it is to be a daughter sometimes, but I just wanted to remind you of something... your mother is the only human being on the face of the planet who is capable (though it's true that not all moms actually exercise this capability) of remembering you no matter WHAT is going on in her life. This is something I didn't know until I lost my mom... and I kind of wish someone told me before.

No matter how difficult the conversation is, you need to have it so that you and your mother can enjoy every single moment you have left together.

Yes, I've been through this (still going through it.) My mom changed. She is clinically depressed and on medication. Once she was diagnosed, she acts like she doesn't care about me or my kids. She never makes it to anything the kids do, graduations, birthday parties etc. She has an excuse about everything. She openly admits that she hates people and complains about everything. If I talk to her about anything, she has to cut down everything I say. I made a statement once about my hubby getting mad at me for something (can't remember what) and she told me to leave him. Huh??? She was never like that before. She was always fun and encouraging and had a lot of insight on things. She only likes one man who is her best friend. She acts like she hates her family but I know she loves us all. I just love her and talk to her when I can. Not every week like I used to. I give her the space that she wants and I'm there for her and love her the best way that I can. If she reaches out to me, says something positive to me or happens to remember my birthday, then I'll enjoy whatever she has to give. Otherwise, I've made a choice to love her and give to her no matter how she receives it. If I space out when I spend time with her or talk on the phone, it makes our time together better. Good luck to you and hang in there!!