General Questions About 1 Year Old

Dear G. -

I had a thought (and some memories of my time when kids were young...so TY!). Have you and 'hubby' considered that there ARE other 'locations' in the home if your 'little one' is most comfy in the bed??

*clears throat*

I am the mom of seven kids...all close in age...and we had (for years) an infant/toddler in bed with us. They all "got the boot" when the next child came along...and we made a 'big' deal about the 'big boy/girl' bed. All are good sleepers now...(age range is 21 to almost 14 YO twins).

I also found it helpful to REALLY child proof the house...not that anyone was 'un supervised' (and as the kids got older there was the 'tattling' factor - which helped)...but I would be inclined to let the son roam...and block off the dogs...and 'make hay' where ye may...and then snuggle with your 'bunk mate'...

Take care
michele/cat

Your son just likes being close to both of you and snuggling at night. This is totally normal! You didn't do anything wrong, and it really is a normal part of development. Co-sleeping is perfectly ok. Many people prefer it, and it really works for them. That doesn't mean that you have to. But you have done nothing wrong!!!!!

If you choose to change the sleeping arangements, you've already got some great ideas. My huband and I chose to co-sleep with our kids. Our 4 year old decided on his own (when he was about 2) that he was ready for his bed. Our 18 month old sometimes still ends up in our bed in the middle of the night, but he always starts off in his bed.

I never really figured out how to get a young one (under 2) to fall asleep any other way than in my arms. I just let him fall asleep, then move him. I hear so many people warn against that, but it worked for me. My 4 year old and I have a great rountine now: 2 books, hugs & kisses, mom leaves. I love it!

Same thing happened to us. I didn't have a traumatic delivery though. my baby got used to sleeping with me because I traveled with her A LOT the first 7 months of her life. Whenever I had to travel (visiting my sick mother) I didn't have a crib or a play pen. Sometimes I slept on a couch and she slept right on top of me, other times we slept in a small bed and of course she was right up against me. She got used to it, even when we were at home. Just like your child, mine would cry as soon as I put her in the crib. Finially at 12 months, my boyfriend and I put her in her own bed. It worked.
She was walking stable, and had her own room, so we went out and bought her a bed. She's been sleeping in it for 7 months and doing fine. It might be worth a try to take the crib matress out of the crib and place it on the ground next to your bed. Eventualy you can move the matress into his own room. Also, you need to baby proof where ever the baby is sleeping, and possibly put up a baby gate to keep them in the room.
My baby also never liked play pens. I said the same thing you said "it's got to be she hates being jailed in." In our house we had to get creative because we didn't use a play pen. Instead we keep the bathroom door shut, our bedroom door shut, the office door shut, and the kitchen is gated off. The only rooms she has access to are hers, the living room, and our small dining area which are all baby proofed. This lets her roam but be safe at the same time.
Take a deep breath, and hang in there. You just have to start trying combinations of things until you find the right one for you! Trust me, I was in the same situation and it can get better! Good Luck!

Try to lay him in the crib but stay in the room with him. He will likely start off crying but play with his hair, tickle his back.... this may help. Also if you don't have a mobile for the crib, I would suggest one. It helps soothe them to sleep. As for your hubby, kick him in the seat of his pants! If he wants to cave in first whatever, but then it's not your fault! Don't put up with that girl! :) Good luck!

Dr. Sears has some great sleep advice you can read it here:
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/7/T070100.asp

I would suggest you just buy the book, you will get tons of great advice that will help you along the way:
http://www.amazon.com/Discipline-Book-Better-Behaved-Chil...

You and your husband need to sit down and talk and figure this out together. He needs to respect that you are trying methods to help and not to belittle you b/c there is never an easy answer for getting some children to sleep. Let him know that. Of course, he probably is just frustrated after having a headache from hearing a baby scream for an hour ;)

My husband can't zone out screaming kids as well as I can, b/c I'm around it all day and he isn't. I think it's true with a lot of men.

I doubt his attachment has anything to do with his birth; all babies are attached and would prefer to be close to the parents 'round the clock. Where does he sleep for naps? Is it any different than for the night? Maybe that would be the place to start. I coslept with each of my three children and didn't have much trouble giving them the boot when I decided it was time, although I didn't go any longer than 11 months. The longer you wait, the harder it will be. Probably best done while your husband is gone.

As far as the playpen, it stunts kids to be put in them, regardless of how big it may be, and they all hate it. They feel like they can't get to you if they need you - maybe it is contributing to his anxiety at night. I've heard of people putting the crib by the bed, and gradually putting it farther away from the bed each night, and finally outside the bedroom. It's far better to baby proof the house so that he can roam free and explore. That's what develops his imagination and intelligence and creativity. It is better to put up and away anything you don't want him into, or put locks on the doors, or build a pen or barricade around whatever it is (like a stove or the dogs or whatever), instead of putting him in one. My one year old entertains himself all day long getting into things that I don't mind him getting into. There might be a small mess afterward, but he was busy and happy and safe.

Breastfed babies seem to have that problem of closeness and mommy smell and it's a habit that is hard to break. My toddler was sleeping in a toddler bed by that age, maybe you could try and see if that would work for your son or begin trying to give him your breastmilk from a bottle vs boob to get him to comfort himself as well as sleep. How does he do on solid food? Is he getting enough of that?

You know, you can fight this or go with it. There are whole schools of thought within the world of attachment parenting that support children sleeping with parents. That's what they do in most of the world. It's just not the norm in the US. Don't know where you are. Same with nursing. So you can try the cry it out thing or you could give in to what your son clearly wants and possibly needs -- to be close to you.

My son slept better in his crib. Then two years later my daughter came along, and she didn't want to sleep anywhere without someone near her. It's a personal choice -- there isn't a right or wrong. But you just need to realize that there is nothing wrong with just letting your son sleep with you.

Good luck!

From what I have read about the "let them cry it out" method, it doesn't involve just leaving them to cry for hours. It's involves a gradual lengthening of time from them before you return to soothe them, but never over 15 minutes. I think the idea is to let them stay alone in their crib for 1 minute at first and then if they are crying at 1 minute to go in and soothe them - without picking them up! The idea is to just talk soothingly to them and pat them on the back. You do that for a minute and then leave for a minute, etc. Then you gradually lengthen it to 2 minutes (but still just 1 minute of soothing), then 3, 5, and finally 15 minutes. Good luck and I know it doesn't seem like it, but this too shall pass!

First, I agree with you that "cry it out" is *not* the way to go -- esp. as evidenced by him crying so hard he threw up. However, I think your husband is wanting you to train the baby to sleep in the crib while he's gone, so that when he comes home, you can just put him down and he won't bother your husband.

I think that there is a better way than just putting him down and ignoring him. Do you have two weeks solid without your husband, or is he gone every other week? Either way, you may be able to make this adjustment while he's gone (although it would probably be easier if you had the two-week bloc of time). I can understand your husband's frustration -- he gets home tired from being gone from his wife for a week (or two), and then he has to deal with a screaming baby who is refusing to sleep in his crib like all the other babies your husband has ever known. So, your current course of action isn't getting you anywhere and needs to change.

I didn't read the other advice [it went straight to the "my answer" box], but I hope that other women will be able to help you with specific advice for gentle sleep solutions that I only know by name: The No-Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley, anything by Dr. Sears, and I'm certain there are others.

Does your son take naps in the crib? It may be that you can start with that. Talk to your son, acknowledge the birth trauma that both you and he endured, acknowledge your separation and his fear -- yes, he's only 1 y/o, but I believe babies know more than we think they do, and I'm certain they remember more (even if not consciously) than we could ever believe. Tell him what happened in the hospital both leading up to his birth and afterward, tell him what you felt and what you think he felt. [Even if you think my advice won't work, what do you have to lose?] Tell him that you hated it when they took him away from you in the hospital but it was necessary because... (or you thought it was necessary at the time, even if you now think it wasn't; or you weren't given a choice, but you wish you'd stood up to them and demanded him) -- whatever the reason, tell him. Then tell him that that was in the hospital, and it's not the way it is now. That you love him and will stay with him and he doesn't have to worry about being taken away from you. [Be holding him, preferably skin-to-skin and/or nursing at this time.] And tell him that when you put him down in the crib, that doesn't mean you are going away, you'll be in the living room or kitchen, close by to hear him call you [i.e., cry, which is his only vocabulary right now, other than body language], and that he'll be safe in his crib, just like he's safe in your bed.

It also may be helpful for both the crib and the playpen issue, (both what I've said above and the following), to get a carrier that will allow you to hold your son and take him with you around the house. There are a mind-boggling array of different carriers, ring slings, Maya wraps, various types of backpacks and front-packs -- just find one you and your son love, and then he won't be separated from you.

Right now it sounds as if he doesn't trust that when you are away that you are still there and/or will be coming back, so he needs you to be there the whole time. Part of that may be normal baby behavior ("separation anxiety" usually kicks in around 9 m/o, and I can't remember when it typically goes away), but you may just need to stop separating yourself from him for a while, so that he can build the trust in himself that you will actually be there. Also, playing peek-a-boo will help, with you leaving the room and then popping your head back in, to let him realize that you are actually right there, even when he can't see you.

You say your house isn't always safe for him to roam -- are there steps you can do to make it so? Of course, if you have him close to you, he won't be "roaming" because you'll be able to see him all the time, and teach him which things he is not allowed to touch, and what's not safe for him. Put away things that can be broken and/or hurt him (anything dangerous), but you can leave out other "no-no's" to teach him boundaries without having physical boundaries like the playpen.

You already received some good tips and advice. I just wanted to let you know that i'm in a similar situation with you - we live in a foreign country as well (switzerland) where my closest support are far away, our daughter is now 15 months old, it's been also very difficult with her in the sleep arena. In the first 6 months she constantly needed motion & physical contact for sleep and the only place she would sleep was in our arms or in the ergo carrier (our best investment!) or in the cosleeper (after she was in deep sleep in our arms/carrier) She never liked to be put down in the crib and would cry uncontrollable even after a minute of lying her down. I felt from the beginning that the CIO method wouldn't work with her nor did it feel right for me. I think that each baby & family are different, so the CIO method may be good for one and not for another. In any case, we didn't do it with her.

We actuallly gave her crib away since it was just taking up space and she now sleeps on the floor in her room, on a futon mattress (on top of a tatami mat) My husband was not a big fan of her sleep in the bed with us (we've had many arguments & talks about this) & i became stressed out if either my daughter or husband woke up in the night, so we found a compromise of letting her sleep in her room on the futon (in the beginning by letting her fall sleep in the ergo & now she can sleep without it as long as one of us is in the futon with her) and i go to her when she calls me in the middle of the night& sleep in there as long as she needs me (often i just fall asleep there) and come back when i want to. I'm with my husband when we fall asleep in the beginning of the night so we have some snuggle time and then during the night when he's fast asleep, then i'm with my daughter & so now both are happy more or less. I'm used to the interruptions and it is much less stress for me if they are both happy & can sleep. I sleep better too. Maybe you could try a mattress on the floor first in your bedroom and then later in his room & sleep with him some of the night?

Interms of the playpen thing, my daughter was exactly the same way! She hates to be confined. I don't blame her though, i don't like it either (maybe she got that trait from me. : ) ) We actually had to give that away too because it was just taking up space. Now she is actually old enough to be occupied with kitchen tupperwares, utensils, toys in the kitchen while i do dishes, cooking etc, and then she just follows me while i do housework and finds things to play with.

By the way, i really recommend the ergo carrier - i still use it esp. when i need to get things done(like laundry & cleaning up when she's more needly) and carry her on my back. She loves it because of being close to mommy and because of motion and a new perspective, so it's great! Again, she's happy & i'm happy. So, sorry for being so longwinded, but just wanted to let you know that you're not alone and to share with you what has worked for us so far.... good luck!

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Sounds like you are having a heard time for sure. Since your hubbie wants the baby out of the bed, you should both get on the same page as to how to do it. If he doesn't want to hear the baby cry, then it will take longer and you have to be consistent either way. I am a cold turkey kind of mama, but have had to endure long periods of crying which can be difficult for some to hear. Your husband may be that kind of person. Besides, he just wants it to be fixed and over quickly, which is not always the case with little ones. Right now, all your baby knows is that if he can cry hard enough and long enough, he will get his way and get to be back in the bed with you which is what he is familiar with. I use the book Babywise to help with these types of issues and it comes in Toddlerwise too and a few more after that for each stage of their development. I will say that if the baby can see you (and/or his crib is in your room with you) and you are trying to let him cry it out, that is not going to work and he will just scream since he knows you will come get him.

As far as the play pen goes, I think it is the same thing. He is testing you to see if you will give in and get him out. I had a hard time with my almost two-year old daughter (still have occasionally) where she will start loud crying when she doesn't get her way. A great friend who has been a nanny for 20+ years told me that she is doing it for the attention it brings. Time outs didn't work bc she would just sit there "on the naughty spot" and scream the whole time in obvious defiance and disrespect to others' feelings. So my friend told me to take her at the time she starts pitching her fit and put her in her crib, telling her we love her but that no one wants to listen to her fit, and that she should call for me when she has calmed down and can come out and be in a better mood. I have found that she will cry for a while in her crib (since she is stubborn), but then will calm down and call for me. (It usually happens when she is overtired).

If you are far from friends and family, I think you may want to try to find some way to get out with your son, maybe with other moms and some alone time for yourself each week, and a date time with hubbie too. Even though we become mothers, we are still women first and need time to regroup, recoup and refresh so that we can take care of everyone else. I have my MIL watch my 3 kids (3 years old, almost 2, and 6 mos), so that I can have one morning to myself per week. It has done wonders for my esteem. Now that my youngest is sleeping through the night, I have also started exercising a few times a week too. (This helps me relieve stress). Mothering is probably the hardest thing we will ever do as women. Keep asking for help and don't give up. It is a process and you are doing great. You are the best mommy for your little guy.