Gender Dissapointment

while having a miscarriage is very sad, it is also sad when people get pregnant for reasons other than just bc they will love the child. So many people want to have children and can't. When one gets pregnant one knows it's a 50/50 chance (although technically it's more likely for it to be a boy). maybe therapy will help.

Feel what you feel now, but get over it soon. That little boy will know if you are disappointed with him. He won't understand what he did to disappoint you, but he'll know something isn't right. Hopefully after carrying him for 9 months and giving birth to him, he will be the beautiful baby you were hoping for and you'll get over the selfish feeling of not getting the gender you want.

Let yourself grieve for the one lost. When this little guy gets here you will love him just like you do the others. I think it's normal to be dissapointed for a while about the could have beens but you will move on.
My youngest is also a boy and he is the most sensitive of all of them, I have 4 also. He is the one who gets me bandaids when I cut myself and breakfast in bed when he gets up earlier than me. I wouldn't trade him for the world.

You can never replace a child, whether it is a child u miscarried or a child u delivered and pasted away. Just be thankful for every child u conceive and if u r to have a boy, there is a reason for it! Congratulations!

You seem to still be grieving the loss of your girl.
I am so sorry... I can imagine how you feel, as I had a miscarriage once. But I did not know the gender.

Have you tried attending a "grief support group?" This can help a lot... my Mom joined one in our area, when my Dad died. She said it helped her immensely. You could do a Google search for a grief support group in your area....

Don't beat yourself up... you still "miss" your girl. And the loss of any baby, can be hard... and stir up emotions.

I wish you all the best....
take care,
Susan

This may sound a little harsh, but are you having a baby for your pleasure or are you having a baby so you can bring up a responsible person into this world? Gender should not have anything to do with it. You can't choose it; the baby you lost could have been a boy too. And the one you are carrying could have been a girl- then would you be happy you lost the other one? I hope not. If so you don't deserve to be a mother. Just hope for a healthy, normal baby. Most miscarriages are due to the baby having some defect. It is natures way. You are very lucky to be able to have 4 children. What a blessing. I'm sure when you look into his eyes, you will love your new baby.

No one can tell you how to grieve or how to cope - instincts are an amazing thing.

This is the reason, however, that my husband and I chose not to find out the gender of our children before their birth. If you only focus on the baby, a healthy baby, you can't be disappointed.

We've not dealt with a miscarriage. But, take comfort in knowing that almost 1/2 of all pregnancies naturally end - it is because something is wrong with the developing fetus, and nature knows it's not appropriate to bring that child into the world.

In our case, we don't know if we'll be able to have more children after I went through 5 months of chemo almost immediately after our 2nd child's birth. I should be able to conceive, but I don't know if it's wise to bring another child into the world in the event I have a recurrence and have few options left to treat my cancer.

I learned in a very short period of time how important is to love your children unconditionally - boy, girl, sensitive, smart, dominant, passive. Whatever they end-up being, nurture them, love them and teach them the important lessons of life.

Good luck - I hope you enjoy this baby and can celebrate his health and happiness.

hi
here's a new way of looking at it.. as someone who has had a miscarriage, you probably well know the hurt and pain that caused you, in Addition, as you may also know, it's really NOT that easy to become pregnant , especially for many.... with that said, wouldn't it be better to feel blessed that even after the miscarriage, you were able to conceive and are now having a wonderful little boy.. WOW... the universe is great and works in mysterious ways.... boy or girl, a soul is a soul... what IF this little boy has something to teach you that perhaps the universe (or god) whatever you want to call it, could not.... remember, contentment is not always getting what you want, but the realization of what you already have... and how blessed are you that you do have three healthy children.... and now another on the way. Don't write this little guy off too quickly.... may turn out to be the biggest blessing you have ever had.... not too mention, your little girl will have 3 brothers.... I think that is so awesome..

First, I'm sorry you lost your little girl. I think it is common to feel disappointment when our lives don't turn out as we expect, but try looking at things from a different perspective. Focus on what joys this child can bring to your life and pray for a healthy child. We all have situations that we wish were different but the lives we are living are the only ones we've got and we have to make the best of them and look for the positives in them. Your child deserves to be loved and taken care of just as much as any other child. Best wishes to you.

Grieve for your lost girl and I am so sorry. i have had a miscarriage too and it has been the single most lowest point in my life. Having our hopes, dreams and all that potential gone without even having a chance to see it in this world. It is just such a great loss for us all!!! With that said, I have come to find that out of the biggest dissappointments and heartaches come the best blessings. So, please keep your heart open and your hopes high and have faith that life will bring you what you need most and the real problem is that you don't know enough of the big picture to know you want it. If all that doesn't help you, then know that you have the potential of having 3 daughters added to your family someday. :D

I'm sorry about this situation. I would suggest that you get help because I feel that this is a heavy load for one person to bear. I know that losing a child is a heart wrenching experience. You are not being selfish-you are being human and everyone needs some help once in a while.

OK, I read your answers and I think some were a little harsh. I think it is completely normal to want a certain gender over another and alot of people would not be telling the truth if at one time they didn't think they wanted a certain sex while they were pregnant. With that said, I totally understand your post, I have 2 girls and a son. My boy is 16 mths and I admit also, with him I wanted another girl. You know.... b/c girls rule! lol (I didn't find out sex while pregnant) and now I couldn't imagine it any other way. I had to tell myself at the beginning there are alot of good men out there and I hope I raise one. These feelings will pass and I'm sure you're tired of hearing it, but be grateful you do have one daughter. Please find some comfort in knowing it was Gods way. Everything does happen for a reason whether or not we understand it. Good luck and don't beat yourself up for being human!

The simple answer is this, God gives you what you need. You may not know why at this point, but eventually it will be clear. I always thought that I wanted to have three boys. I ended up with two girls and now I know why. They have taught me so much that three boys never could have. Take what you are blessed with, and appreciate them for their lessons. And as a side note, I had a miscarriage before each daughter. Don't know what gender those babies were, but I do know that they had to leave so that my daughters could come into my life. I am blessed beyond words. May you be as well.

L.,
Bless your heart. You are not being selfish. I wanted a girl so badly and got 2 boys. I can't imagine not having them, but I do wish I could have had a daughter. Hopefully you and I will have good relationships with their future wives.
Sorry I can't be more helpful.
Victoria

I think it's pretty normal to have a little disappointment when not getting the sex of choice.

We have 5 little girls and we had twins as our last 2. We were hoping at least one of them would be a boy. We were pretty sad they were both girls. In fact I think I may have even cried. It didn't take long to get used to the idea. We started buying baby girls stuff and gave them names. That made them so much more "real" to us.

Though, we would still like a boy, we are happy with our girls.

It's ok to feel that way. Just let yourself feel what you feel and trust that when your little boy arrives, you will love him just as much as your other children. I have seen support groups for women who have miscarried - maybe you can find some people to talk to who know exactly what you are going through.

HUGS!!!! Your post made me cry. I agree with the S.H. about going to a grief support group. Give yourself time to grieve. Even if you were having a little girl you would still be grieving for the little one that you lost. It's totally normal.
I think that when people miscarry they are expected to not grieve much, but it was a baby that you wanted, loved and lost. My sister had a miscarriage, got pregnant 2 months later and felt guilty about grieving the baby that died even as she was carrying her new baby.

My sister got a "mother and child" pendant necklace so she could carry her baby close to her heart. Here is a link showing the pendants http://www.mother-pendant.com/mother_and_child_pendant.htm

I think you will love your little boy fiercely. I didn't want to be pregnant at all with my first.......but when I thought I had lost him, I realized that I wanted him more than anything in the world. He is a precious 6 year old now.

Peace,
Anne-Marie

Nothing can replace the child that you lost,this is GODs plan.I have a sister that has 4 boy,she so much wanted the last one to be a girl.The child was a boy and she went into depression.This beautiful boy that GOD gave her was being rejected.Then GOD but it on my heart to tell her.It is a very special women that raises son to be good men. In this day we need them badly.God chose you for this!!! How lucky you are for this job.Dont get it wrong girls are a wonderful joy.But we are under GODs plan enjoy.

I will tell you, if we are honest, I think most parents go through some sort of disappointment when they have a baby. You wanted one who was smaller, one who had hair, one who had blonde/brown/dark hair, one with your chin, the list goes on and on. Very few children live up to our expectations of what we think a baby will be. You just know yours now. But you will love this child, just as you love your others, when you see him. There will be days when you don't think you like him, but there are days I'm sure you feel that way with your others.
I agree with those who feel you have not resolved your grief over the loss of your daughter. I am sorry you miscarried. Sometimes, things can't be explained. Please allow yourself to have whatever feelings you have, so that you may get yourself through this loss.
God bless you,
R.

Nothing - I mean nothing will ever replace your little girl. You will always love her in a special way, just as you do your other 3 & you will your son. Personnaly, I don't think you are competely over the loss you suffered... time will help with that, but I don't know if you will ever be completey over it. My mom did have 2 girls & 2 boys, but we were only able to spend 9 years w/ one of my brothers... we lost him in an accident 20 years ago. Even today somedays are hard, but we manage to make it through the days a little easier now then we did 20 years ago or even 15 for that matter.

I have 4 kids (2 girls & 2 boys), but one of my girls doesn't live w/ us... I had her when I was 17 and due to my age and inablity to take care of her the way she should have been - my in-laws have raised her. She is now 15 going on 30 or so she thinks & wants nothing to do w/ my hubby (her dad) or I. Mainly because we put our foot down - took away her internet, cell phone and made her brake-up w/ her 21 yr old boy friend that had a kid of his own & she was sleeping with when she was 14. Guess we were the bad guys in that one... my in-laws told her "if it wasn't for your parents you could still see .....". Oh well, the way it goes. Anyways... I'm expecting my 5th in July. My 6 yr old girl really wanted a sister, one that lives with us that will actually do things with her, but we found out she is going to be having another little brother. She was really upset - it took her a while to be ok w/ another boy. But she is now ok w/ it. I have always just asked for healthy little ones... but in a way we were hoping for a girl this time. We had a girls name picked out & have struggled w/ a boys name... but in the end he will be just as special and loved. As I'm sure your little one will be also.

My heart does go out to you for your lose. But also, I want to say congratz on the special gift you are carring - I wish you a quick delivery & a healthy little one!

I have to agree with Angie some of the responses I felt were a bit harsh...but that being said....as a mom and a nurse that worked the ob unit for yrs and then NICU....allow yourself to be sad over the loss of your daughter. The support group ideas are wonderful, if there is none in your area call your local hosp and talk to any of the nurses on your OB unit the info the have is amazing...your loss could have been for many reasons, you will probably never have an answer. I am sorry for your loss, but the new child your son has been given to you for a reason, like many of the others said, you will love him and you will get thru it...just don't be scared to ask for help. Please keep us posted...we want to hear about your son when he arrives hun....HUGS

I am very sorry for your loss. I can only imagine the pain you went through. There is a reason that you are having a little boy instead of a girl. Just enjoy your pregnancy and continue to heal. I was disappointed that my second child was a girl and now I would not take anything for my beautiful baby girl. She is momma's baby. I hope that you can work through this and be happy. Just give it time. Congratulations.