Future Monster-n-Laws

I like what Jen C had to say.

If the only reason you're not married now is because of finances, go the Justice of the Peace route and get married legally. You can throw the party later. You may have a dream about the wedding, but making it legal is the important thing if that's really what matters. And it may go a long way to calming down MIL - you shouldn't do it just to make her happy, but if it's a side benefit, why not go ahead and do it? :)

Here's a site with info - http://www.marriage-laws.info/louisiana/louisiana-marriag...

My grandmother's favorite quote: "the best advice I can give a newlywed couple is to move far away from all family." ;)

You can't do anything (other than move out or put up) but your FH can. He needs to make clear boundaries and enforce consequences. So do you, but you do it nonconfrontationally. He can confront.

Also, really, if he doesn't want her to have any say in her life then he can't let her cosign on a loan. He's a grown man and he needs to cut the apron strings.

You know by the time you're 27 what kind of a control freak your mom is. He knew that when she cosigned the loan and now he's living with predicitable consequences. He has to want his independance more than he wants her to help him. Does he?

And just to put it out there, if you have the money to live together then you have the money to be married. Marriage is not a party that costs as much as a car or a house. Marriage is a committment and it costs nothing more than your word and a few bucks to a minister/ jp. If you don't want to be married, then be honest about why. If the party is that important to you, then say so. Don't make excuses, though, you lose ground when you do that.

I disagree about heading to the courthouse UNLESS that's what you guys really want to do, for the following reason:

Your FMIL is a toddler. She's throwing a fit, and if you give in, you're just going to have more and more fits to deal with, because she'll have learned she can get her way if she gets nasty enough. (Also, as I'm sure you know, your financial aid packages will change *dramatically* once the 2 of you combine households legally... BESIDES it's your lives, you deserve to wed the way that YOU TWO want to wed.)

Again, since she's acting like a toddler, I would recommend treating her like one. She's on "timeout" and you will have nothing to do with her until she composes herself. You can't send her to her room, but you CAN do the equivalent, which is to refuse to interact with her. Don't have her over to your house unless she can be nice, and if she starts being mean tell her she has to leave. The whole "you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here". Ditto if you're somewhere else with her around (even thanksgiving dinner, and she starts being mean... give hugs all around to others, and leave). Your fiance can go see her anywhere ELSE but your home... don't try to cut off that relationship... but until she stops bullying and throwing tantrums, just refuse to have any contact with her. Your F will have to be on board with this plan, however, or it won't work. Just like parents of a toddler. If one parent is consistent, and the other gives into whining... you've got a whining child.

And ditto the cosigner thing. I realize it's probably merely one example amongst many... but she has no rights to the car. The ONLY right she has to it is if your F quit paying, she has the obligation to pay or be sued by the company that holds the loan.

Which brings us around to step 2. Cut any and all financial assistance from his mother. If any is coming from his family, have it come from his father... but even then, that still leaves strings. She only has as much power over you 2 as you let her.

I'm apparently in the minority, but I could care less about you two living together as long as you are in a committed relationship and intend to marry. I didn't have kids at the time, but I lived with my fiance before we got married and I think it was the best choice for us. I don't think it's against God's will - I think it made our marriage stronger because we were very secure together, and anyway, it's my life.

Having said that, I agree that getting married is not expensive. A wedding is expensive. If you wanted to be married right now, you could be. Saying otherwise seems like an excuse. However, you don't have to be married right now - that's entirely up to you. But I would stop coming up with reasons, and just accept that either that's what you want right now, or it's not.

As for your future MIL, frankly, it isn't your problem. It is time for future hubby to lay down the law, and if she just gets worse, it is up to him to decide how to proceed. This is his mother, and right now, she's not even your MIL, so her relationship to you is minimal. He needs to tell her when her behavior is unacceptable without bringing you into it, and make it clear that if she cannot be respectful to you, she cannot have contact with either of you. The reason this is driving a wedge in your relationship is most likely because you do not feel that he is entirely on your side - otherwise, it would be the two of you against FMIL. Also, as the co-signer, she has no rights over the car assuming that your FH continues to pay the bills on time. It's an empty threat. So sit down and talk to future-hubby about how you need to approach this - together. But you should never really have to deal with FMIL at this stage - it's up to him. Good luck.

First of all, so not worry about the FJ, she is a co-signer, not the loan holder. All that means is that if your husband stopped paying they could come after her for the money, it does not give her any control over the loan, and as long as he is making the payments, no one can take it away.

Now, the bigger problem is her behavior, but it must be dealt with by your BF, with you 2 on the same page about what to do. I would say he should let her know that if it does not come to a full stop she will no longer be welcome in your lives, and if she does not stop, follow through. Once she realized you are serious about not letting her toxic attitude poison your family, she will hopefully stop so she can be a part of your lives again.

Me and my boyfriend aren't married right now either. His entire family is catholic, including his uncle the priest, and they all say "we're married in the eyes of God." LOL My family could care less about it but for them it was a big deal. They automatically started saying it. What is your BF's suggestion on how to handle this? I know you stated he and his father already talked to her but obviously that hasn't worked, so is there a second plan of action? Is there anyway you can cut off all communication with her, and just leave any and all conversations up to your BF? Does she just simply want you guys to be married, if so tell her she can pay for the marriage license (in california it's like 65 bucks). I feel for your situation. I didn't really fit in with my inlaws at first (althought I just learned to deal LOL), but nothing compared to what your going through. Good Luck!

Whoa what a toxic MIL.

My friend, has/had a MIL like that. And she has children too.
The ONLY way they could lead normal/happy/their own lives... was to dis-own her. Even her own husband and the neighbors couldn't stand her. She made trouble to everyone, mega-control problems, and yes, espousing her religious beliefs on everyone.

MAIN thing, is for you AND your Finance... to be on the SAME page. She will try to split you up....

re marriage.
Why are you even engaged ? It's been 2 yrs , if you haven't gotten married you aren't going to. It takes about 20$ to get a married.Not having the money is just an excuse. the big wedding isn't all it's cracked up to be. It's a million things that can go wrong that just cost you money.
Get married or call it quits. It's not fair to your girls and you. And I have to agree with your MIL it is against God's laws if you get right down to it.
Finances: tell MIL to mind her own business.
course if you get married you won't problems with her on the rest of it.

MIL has no rights to ur car. shes obligated financially to back u up, thats it. she's blowin smoke to make u stress. its time to cut off communication. if u went to court an put an 'injunction of harassment' against her, mite make it worse but its a thought! student loan maybe?

S.,

Regarding Your fiances mother, First of all HE must be the one to tell her to stop OR let her know she will no longer be in his life in anyway shape or form. He MUST let her know HE CHOOSES YOU AND THE GIRLS OVER HER. If she holds this Crusier over his head, have him give it back to her. Wouldn't it be better to do without than to have her have power in your relationship and over him? If she is paying for his school, then that will have to wait too. Make sure you let her know just what she can do with her controlling ways, not by nasty words but by actions to get independent. Nasty words and actions like calling the marshall is something Jerry Springer guest do. Don't lower yourself to her level.

Regarding Marriage: GO TO THE COURT HOUSE and get married.! It doesn't cost a lot. It isn't fair for your girls to be in limbo like this. If you really want to be married, then DO IT NOW. People that put it off, never do it.

I have 10 aunts and uncles, and I have one that sounds like your soon to be in-law. My wussy cousin wouldn't stand up to her, before they were married, and now she runs everything. She even writes the checks and pays the bills now. And she speaks horrible about his wife, who I feel is hands down a better mother to their children than my aunt ever was to my cousin. She is even living with them now, as she hurt her back, and needs his and her help to get around.

Back to you, I am sure you are a wonderful mother. Just make him REALLY stand up to her, Good luck with everything.

I would hate for my now 20 yr old dghtr to live with a boyfriend/fiance before marriage. I remind her of that all the time.

You didn't mention any problems with her before you guys moved in together so I assume all the problems stem from the new living arrangements. You can get married now, ONLY for the sake of your 2 very impressionable daughters who should be taught the right way to courting, and have a wedding later.

Although you and your fiance are adults & can make your own decisions I agree with his mother to wait till marriage to move in together.

It's really inexpensive to go to the courthouse and get married. You don't need a big, huge wedding, etc. Or go to Vegas. If you wait til you have the $$$ someday, you may never do it.
As for MIL, all I can say is......tough love! Your man needs to set her straight. In no uncertain terms. Also, NEVER borrow money, use for a cosigner, etc. ANY family member....always a bad idea. Good luck!

Your life has nothing to do with his mother, however I have to agree with her on you immoral living expecially with 2 girls in the home, it does not set a very good example for them. Your financial business is none of her's. Keep all letters she sends you keep a diary or log on all activities that she does, because if you decide to join this family you may need to get a restraining order against her. Have you though of how your daughters lives are going to be with this woman their grandma? J.

I'm sorry your are going through this. Sorry, but I think it's only going to get worse after the wedding. It's good that your Fiance' feels that he can talk to her about this and ask her to stop. Most men don't want to get involved. I feel that she can only get away with what he allows her to get away with. After all she is his mother. First thing he needs to do is not to get her involved in his finances, like co-signing on a car for him. It sounds like she will use whatever means she can to control him and being a co-signer on his vehicle is something she can hold over your heads.
Does he feel that he needs to support her on some of these issues? that is the only way she can really drive a wedge between you.

I hate to say it, but you marry him - you marry the family.

Move far far far away...

Getting married is not expensive - go to the Justice of the Peace and just get it done. That's what me and my husband did (June 30th is our 9 year anniversary).

I'd have to agree with AC on most of her points... good job :)

Good luck :)

to some people being married in the eyes of god is super important. my husbands grandfather would not let up about us not being married, especially when we had our son. i finally just gave in (i'm not religious or have much faith in the institution of marriage) and because we didnt have any money, we actually got married on my husbands lunch hour at the county registrar's office!! if she doesnt shut the heck up after you're married then its time to issue an ultimatum and tell her back up off of you or she wont be in your lives. my husbands grandpa was sweet as pie after we got married. he died not to long after, and i was glad we could do that for him!! good luck!

This is tough and I wish I could tell you what I suggest would "fix" the problem, but I doubt it. You don't mention if your fiance is an only child (my husband is). We don't see my in-laws, haven't in 9 years. Since then, it's been peaceful. Before that, it didn't matter what we did or didn't do, it was ugly. We ended the relationship after she opted to physically attack me while holding my 3 year old and hitting him in the process as I hovered over him to protect him from literally being trampled. Mental? yes. The court-ordered psych commented MIL would not likely continue therapy and needed to. We were contacted via email a few years ago and her comment was she wanted to see my husband and kids, clearly excluding me, so no change. Personally, if it's not one thing it's another. Yours claims to have an issue with the lack of "marriage" status; I would not at all be surprised if once you are married, there will be something else at issue. So don't get married for the sheer benefit of MIL. If you'd like the wedding, have one for YOU. I will say my most favorite wedding was the 2nd wedding of my dear friend at a lodge in the park with 45 of her closest family and friends. It was lovely. I did her flowers - white roses from Costco, hydrangeas from both yards, filled in with Queen Anne's lace from the fields. Lots of candles, two white cakes on crystal stands, we dressed the chairs with tied tulle and flowers, had appetizers all night. Gorgeous.

My advice? Your fiance/husband must be on the same page, refinance that car loan, have a wedding for you, live an hour away, and if necessary, let the in-laws know that a relationship with your family is a privilege, NOT a requirement.

To me....you have two choices.
Get married or one of you has to tell her to butt the bleep out.
If she wants you married so badly, then go to the courthouse and get married. Just you and your fiance and a couple of witnesses. Done.
All it will cost is for the marriage license fees.
You can have a wing ding later when you've saved up for it. Once you're married, that takes that argument off the table.
Can you get her off the loan as a co-signer? That would be another way for her to not have any leverage.
If she sends mean mail...don't open it. Refuse it. Send it back to her unopened.
I would say to leave him because you shouldn't have to put up with any of that, but, that might be exactly what she wants.
It sounds like your fiance needs to make a stand.
Blow her mind. Get married without even telling her. And if she chooses to act so foolishly, you won't tell her about anything else either. Every single thing in your lives isn't her business.

Renew your vows after you get your degrees and just move ahead as a family. IF you feel your family can be strong and stand up to her behavior.

I don't know what else to say, but I wish you the best of luck.

I realize you don't want to get married now, but I LOVE the idea of getting married and not saying anything to her! Ha! Two years down the line say, "Oh, we've been married for 2 years. We didn't tell you because it was between us and God." Love it!

As a Christian, I raised my children to the best of my ability to live by the word of God, but now that two have moved out, I realize that's all I can do. They are adults, and I don't have to like their choices (so far they're good!), but it's their lives and it's between them and God. My job is not to judge them. She needs to stop being a hypocrite by saying you are bad for living in sin, when she is sinning by judging you. Again, that's between you and God.

My guess is she's embarrassed. She doesn't like her friends and family knowing.

1st being a co signer only means that she is responsible for the bill if your bf does not make the payments

curious though = did she do this before you two got together or after. Either way she was trying to help him get transportation.

2nd Live in or marriage = seems to me that after that some one here is not being truthful. If this is about love, no big wedding would be needed. You would get married and once on you feet you could throw a party/reception thanking all who knew you when you maried.

Two Children - My question here is how is this effecting the girls????
Children: What would happen if you conceived another child whiling living together????
You may say abort and no one knows what effect that would have on all concern, You, Him, and or his mother. If something really happenned to her no one knows how it would effect him, after all it is his mother.

You may be surprised, if her problem is only living together, she may be a completely different woman after you are married.
Of course it could get worst.

Re Letters: I would not open them, but keep them, as one never knows if this will not end up in the courts in some way and you may need them as proof of her behavior.

My wife's mother hated my guts because of my nationality. I realized that it was a matter of how she was raised and completely ignored it. There were two children involved. We loved each other and there was friction on both sides, my father, her mother. Finally my father came around and all had a wonderful relationship. Since my wife was the only child living close by she would ask me if it was okay to bring her mother into the house as she was not doing well. Of course knowing down deep she loved her mother I would not refuse. It always happenned, I come home and she would be going. The first time it happenned I asked her about her mother and she said she said some derogatory about me and she knew she was well enough to be home. She was a spiteful woman by nature.

God Bless

Your fiance' needs to deal with his mother in a way that she will get it. If need be, he should tell her she will be cut off from any contact with him or any future grand kids if she doesn't stop trying to control everything, and then do it if need be. You should ignore her, stay away from her, don't take her calls, close the door in her face if she comes over and your fiance' should deal with any complaints from her. If and when she finally gets it (these type of people are very hard headed), then the two of you can decide how much to let her back into your lives. Present a united front and let him do the dirty work.

It only takes about an hour and 50.00 in my state to get married at the local justice of the peace.I understand what you are going through I had to more than once tell my M-N-L that she could not move in with us! She wanted to move in and let his sister who was fresh out of reform school also come.I felt as though they were of the mindstate that I would let them run all over me since I was dating (and eventually married their son/brother). I also had to sons from a previous relationship. But what they didn't know that I had already lived with the devil and whatever they thought they had for me I was ready to give back with more. I think you guys should call her bluff on the car( this is really her bargaining peice) she really doesn't want it and make your family time few and far between.She needs to control him(you) and she feels as though she is losing control.Believe me your finacee' has probably experienced this before with her. Be strong and communicate effectively with him. It will work out.

Good luck! Sounds like you fiance needs to tell her, in direct words...no hints, that she needs to back off. She needs to have it explained to her by him that if she does not trying to run his life then contact will end. He is an adult, in an adult relationship, and even though she does not agree with his choices they are his to make. As for you not being married due to money, you really could be married if that is what you choose since the wedding takes money and you could be married w/ a big wedding. That of course would most likely not change anything because your future MIL will still try to control things. As for the letters..."RETURN TO SENDER" or keep them but notify her that you are keeping them and if any others arrive they will all go to the police when you report her for harassment.

Your fiance needs to step up to the plate and go to bat for you, otherwise you end up being the bad guy not only in her eyes, but in the children's eyes and the rest of the family. It's much better to let the spouse or future spouse deal with their family when it comes to sticky situations like this (I know from personal experience and from what professionals recommend).

Sending you nasty letters and getting involved in your finances is way overstepping her boundaries...it is high time to have that conversation with your fiance.

As for marriage costing too much? It's people's elaborate ceremonies that are the big cost, not the marriage itself. Just food for thought, but you can have a simple ceremony that doesn't cost an arm and a leg, and save yourself a bundle, especially if it's a second wedding (my husband and I did just that and never regretted it, and it's been years now). Plus you'll gain respect not only in her eyes but in the children's eyes, even if that isn't your religious views, as well as tax benefits. But don't tie the knot until you work things out and are sure he is the kind of man who will "leave and cleave" and defend his wife against such things that his family dishes out.

You say she thinks she can dictate how you spend your money and also that you can't afford to get married and she is threatening to have the car taken away that she's co-signer on. You also say you are both in college. Are either of you working? Is she paying for the car, or are you? A marriage license is very cheap; my advice is to get one and go to the court house to get married. Is she giving you any money or paying any bills? If the answer is no, then she has no say in how you spend your money. But if she is, or if she's paying for the car, then she would have a say-so. I think if you were married she would be less of a monster-in-law. Your fiance is the one who should be stepping up to her and defending you and what y'all as a couple do. Leave her out of all the bills, take her name off the car loan, don't accept anything from her, whether it's money or offers to baby-sit the girls. Try to put as much distance between you and her as you can. How does she know what you do with your money? Don't tell her, and she won't have anything to say. I wish you the best of luck with this!

Unfortunately, there is not a lot YOU can do about your fiance's mother. This is an issue your fiance needs to take charge of. You said he has asked her to stop, but what boundaries has he enforced? How upset is he about her actions? Does he agree with you, only to turn around and do nothing to actually stop his mom? (simply asking her to stop isn't enough if she has already ignored the request once) He is not really on board with you if he doesn't proactively, aggressively defend himself AND you from her verbal assaults/attacks like telling her the next time she opens her mouth on the topic, he will cut off her phone priveleges and instruct you to not answer her calls, nor will he until she apologizes. Seriously. And you will be dealing with A LOT more of this if he doesn't get tough with his mom should your relationship continue, married or not. If he and his mom disagree on his lifestyle choices, then I'm sorry, his mother has every right to withdraw her financial support, and he has every right to discontinue communication with her until she engages both him and you appropriately. He is an adult and can make his own choices and has every right to expect his parents will accept that, but remember, they have every right to disagree and not support him. Grown-ups agree to disagree with eachother. It is probably best that his mom not contribute financially to your/his living situation anyway, since she seems to think it gives her the right to weigh in on your decisions. Take away her method of control and cut the financial ties! If she wants to get negative, your Fiance can tell her to take a hike until she is over it. It puts you and your fiance back in charge of what is rightfully yours... your lives. And, getting married doesn't cost any money, only weddings do. If you and fiance decide you would like to be married, you could do it for free tomorrow. Good luck!

For her to be so concerned with your living arrangements as it appears to be against God's will to her, she sure isn't acting in a very Christian like manner on how she treats people in her other actions. I would hate for her to come become between what the 4 of you are building (you, him, children) and you will probably need to be very firm with her, either she stop or she will not be allowed to visit, you won't answer her calls or open her mail. It is completely up to her. Tell her you love her, but these are the boundaries that the you and your fiance are setting up for your future lives together. No exceptions. She is welcome to be part of it IF she can stop her unacceptable behavior or NOT if she chooses to continue ... it's her choice. Write her a note if it's easier. Sounds like a perfect case of the movie "Monster in Law." Good mothers will help in even grown children's lives, not make it more difficult. Be very firm with her and stick to your boundaries. Good luck!

I think you future mother in law needs mental help. She definetly has a problem. I don't know what is wrong with her medicinally but it sounds' as though she may be either scizophrenic or manic or a combination of both.
I don't know how your fiancee feels but I'm sure it would hurt him but she needs to be put in her place. If her husband can't get through to her than perhaps she needs a peace bond put against her as well as having another (can't think of name) but to have her not come within your home. I know that sounds' mean but it seems as though she is not going to let the strings go, and that is wrong since both of you have had such a wonderful relationship. Does she not realize that living together and not getting married is in the past? Obviously not!! Either that or just move away from her. If she sends letters just rip them up, ignore them. She is trying her damnest to split both of you up and that would be a shame. I can't believe she called the sheriffs' office to have you fiancees' vehicle taken away. As for the FJ Cruiser I would ask your fiancee to go and get a loan on what is owing on his own, this just seems that its a way for her to have say in what he does. This is why I'm saying that she obviously has a medical problem that her Dr. is/isn't aware of. If you don't want to put a peace bond against her then I would have her number blocked on your phone (temporarily) and any kind of togetherness with her you and your fiancee will have to be negative about it. This may have alot to do with your fiancee not standing up to her and saying "I've had it". This is the way things are and this is the way its going to stay. Maybe she needs to hear it from him, if he hasn't said anything to her yet. It may hurt her but she will soon realize that both of you mean business. You need to live your lives and not have someone living it for you. Its' up to both of you when marriage happens, what both of you do, not hers'. I just hope that your fiancee has spoken to her and not afraid to do so, otherwise this is not going to stop and a lovely relationship may end unfortunately. Hope this helps, I may have been somewhat aggressive but I honestly think this is what she needs. I wonder what kind of life he lived with being at home, it must have been terrible. Sounds like shes' the boss of the family, or thinks she is and thats' it. Good luck my dear, I hope all works out for all 4 of you.

Honestly, I have a horrible MIL. She had issue with the gf before me because she was not Christian, me it is various reasons. I would honestly say the marriage thing is an excuse. I would begin to limit her interactions NOW so you don't have to deal with years of bs..

OK, if you don't want to go to the courthouse, you still don't need to spend lots of $ on a big wedding. Why not do something nice but small, that doesn't cost a lot. Have the people most important to you, family and a few friends. Pick the 1 or 2 areas of a wedding that mean the most to you (the dress, for example) and spend a little on that so you'll have nice pictures, but you don't have to go overboard. I've known people to have nice weddings for $400 (TOTAL). Perhaps your future MIL would like to contribute to something for the wedding (like the photos) if it's that important to her. Otherwise, I agree with the others who think $ is just an excuse. You may not get your dream wedding, but really they are just a waste of $ for one day.

I imagine that the reason the two of you can't get married right now is because student financial aid would change if you were married instead of single students. BUT your fiancee has to be the one to stand up to his Mother and let her know that her actions are not acceptable. I agree with what one of the other Moms said about her being a "toddler" and that you and your fiancee need to present a united front in the way you deal with this toddler and her tantrums.
Don't sink to her level...don't ask your fiancee to cut her off completely but there is also no reason in the world for you to subject yourself or your children to her behavior. Your primary consideration needs to be your two children, and that they are not being harmed by this toxic woman's actions.
As to the letters....I would either let your fiance open them and read them...and decide if it was something you need to read...or just toss them. Have your fiancee tell her that if she has something to tell the two of you that she needs to go through him.
I have had a relatively unpleasant MIL for most of my 41 years of married life...it has gotten better over the years...but I can tell you that it took a toll on us at first. My husband had to just let them know that his loyalties laid with me.

Is her only complaint that you two are not married? If it is, go down to the courthouse, with your girls, and get married there. You do not need to invite the woman, just the 4 of you who are building a life together. You get two great things from this inexpensive wedding. One, you are showing your girls that the two of you are commited to each other for life. Two, you are shutting this nosey, overbearing woman up. I know it is not the wedding you two have pictured, but you can always renew your vows at a later date. And, please, do not think that this act will be giving in to her. You two plan to get married any way...

Also, get your fiance to speak to his father and get the witch off of his car loan. She does not need to have this power. You could always call her bluff and tell her you are turning the car into the bank. She will probably back down.

As for your daughters, you are going to need to keep them away from her until they can make their own decisions about religion. Obviously this woman does not believe in an all loving god, she believes in the hateful, war god. She does not need to pass this along to your sweet girls.

Best of luck!

if it's just $$ preventing you guys from marrying, how about just making it legal by going to the courthouse? i doubt it'll actually solve your mil's problems b/c i think she's just using the whole non-marrying thing as an excuse but i just thought i'd throw that out there...

For you and your children's sakes, I think you should just "suck it up" (LOL) and get married at the court house. Wouldn't that be a better example for your girls anyway??? Then in a couple years (when you CAN afford it) you can do a big wedding with a renewal of your vows. If this is her big beef, then I suggest you just get married since you say you are going to anyway!

Get away now while you still can - it is not going to get any better!