Funerals and a Wedding

Updated on May 30, 2012
S.T. asks from Kearney, NE
17 answers

I wish I had some positivity to ask but I really just need advice. My sister passed away at 23 years of age due to breast cancer. I saw her take her last breath. I heard her say she was not ready yet and had so much to do in life. After she passed 10 days ago she went with a smile on her face and in her home with her husband...we all sang to her in her final moments. I miss her so much and getting back to normal life is really draining me. My fiance's grandmother has since passed away at the age of 93 due to a fall in her home. I just can't understand why so much sorrow is happening now. My fiance's mother is also sick with terminal cancer and has been in the ER roughly three times in the last two weeks for pain. My fiance and I ate scheduled o get married this Saturday. His grandmother's funeral is Friday. I'm about to break. I feel like I'm sinking. I haven't had much time to mourn for my sister and now another funeral before our wedding. I'm just not sure how to be happy or how to process this. I'm not sure I can attend the funeral on Friday before our wedding without thinking of my sister. How can I take all of these heavyfeelings with me? I just don't know. I thought I could use the last few days before gettig married to find a quiet space in my life before committing myself to my fiance. I do not feel Ivan make it to the funeral. I'm just not sure what to do right now. Any advice or similar scenarios would be appreciated.

What can I do next?

  • Add yourAnswer own comment
  • Ask your own question Add Question
  • Join the Mamapedia community Mamapedia
  • as inappropriate
  • this with your friends

More Answers



answers from Sacramento on

Please dont take this the wrong way, but you will think of your sister no matter when you get married or who's funeral you are attending. You'll think of her often for the rest of your don't put your life on hold. Get married while your fiances mother is still alive. Leave a single flower of whatever her favorite was (and one for grandma also) on a seat for them at your wedding. raise a toast in their memory. If you dont feel up to grandma's funeral, go pay your respects to her in private at the funeral home before the official function. have your fiance write his favorite memories of her down and have someone read it in his absence. sending you peace....

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Cleveland on

I don't have a similar scenario. I just want to offer my condolences on your many recent losses. I don't know how you are holding it together right now. You must be such a strong lady!
My thoughts are with you, and I will send you prayers and good juju!

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Oklahoma City on

What a heavy heart you must have. I wish I could lighten it for you. Your family is looking down on you right now and missing you too.

You know you can see them again if you make the right choices during the days you have on this earth.

I would say that you and your fiance are giving those around you the opportunity to share in something joyful and happy. It should be a day of great happiness. Now it seems like it will be a somber occasion instead.

Please just take a couple of days and stop. Allow yourself to feel and to start the grieving process. Your heart will feel so much lighter after this has started. The grief you feel will last but the pain and hurt will become lighter.

I still miss my MIL every day. But I don't mourn her. I don't sit and cry or lay in bed missing her. I did at first. She had cancer too.

If you need to, just have your maid of honor call everyone and tell them it's just too much. Get married this Saturday or don't. If you can't process the whole wedding pomp and circumstance then don't. I think a small private wedding with only a couple of people would be fine too if you don't want to do the whole thing.

You could take a couple of months and then have a wonderful wedding day and reception. Or go ahead and get married in a small private ceremony and then do the reception later.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

Postpone your wedding. Give yourselves some time to grieve and then move on.

Talk to your pastor.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

Remember to make room in your heart for the living.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Pittsburgh on

Believe me nobody is going to hold it angainst you if you do not go to the grandmother's funeral. Losing someone as close as a sister, so young and to such a horrible disease is so understandably traumatic. Honestly I don't think his grandmother that passed would even want you there with your weeding the next day. While dying unexpectedlly of a fall is always sad, at 93 she has had a more full life than most of us can expect to have and no doubt she had been making preparations mentally for this for a while as was the whole family. This is not to say it is not a sad thing and that people shouldn't grieve its just not at all the same as losing your sister. You will find a way to honor his grandmother once you are able.

Please use the days before your wedding to find your quiet space that you are seeking. Saturday is a big day for you and your loved ones that passed would surely want to see you happy.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Tampa on

I'm sorry to hear of your sister's loss and your fiance's grandmother. I can't image how hard this would be to attend two funerals then have your wedding. But at the same time it's almost like they will both be with you on your wedding day. I think if you don't go to both funerals you will regret it down the road. Although it it difficult now you will heal in due time. Congrats to you and your fiance. I love several states away from my family and I miss out on a lot of weddings, funerals, parties and family time. Listen to your heart and do what you feel is right. Hugs!

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

S., I just can not tell you how bad I feel for you and your situation. I've read your previous posts and between your miscarriage, loosing your sister and now your fiance's grandmother ... all I can do is send you positive thoughts and prayers.

I think everyone would understand if you postponed your wedding. Maybe take a few months, deal with your grief, then the family can get togther for your wedding and celebrate life.

All the best to you. Let us know what you decide.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Minneapolis on

i am so sorry your dealing with so much loss in such a short amount of time-its tuff i know i went thru this when my mom died-seemed like i was going to funerals everyday-friends n coworkers dying back to back-you get so grieved out its unreal-do for you..your wedding is your day-all about you-do it-have fun-appreciate what n who you have rite now..and dont forget-its ok to cry when the feelings come over you-its part of the healing your wedding or reception-acknowledge those loved ones that have passed.they will forever be in your heart and a strong part of you...take care ;)

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Austin on

I am so sorry for your losses....... please understand that they also want you to be happy, and not sorrowful on your special day.

I'm sure people will understand if you don't go to the grandmother's funeral.... if it really bothers them, then I don't think they truly understand what YOU are going through! Pay your respects to her in private....

Here's a tribute you can do for your wedding for your sister, and fiance's grandmother.. (or any others that have passed that you want to honor)...

Different family members bring a rose down the aisle during the prelude, just before the main wedding begins. They are all placed in a vase on the altar (or where ever you want).... place a note in the program with the names of those you are honoring.... you can also put an extra rose in there, also, for any other people that have passed that you (or anyone) would care to honor silently.

I've seen this done several times at weddings.... it is a very nice tribute.

Although it is a difficult time, I think you need to go ahead and have the wedding while your fiance's mother is still in good enough health to enjoy as much as she can. Or... maybe just a smaller, more private ceremony now, and have a bigger reception later?

Hugs to you and your family......

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Minneapolis on

Really? People,who advise to go ahead and get married no matter what?!This is selfish! People who left,were not selfish-they had no choice ,you do!
I always was surprised the way americans act at the funeral-makeup,fancy dresses,laughter…Aren't you grieving?! Can't the wedding wait?You have the whole life ahead of you,have some respect for loved ones who left you sooner then expected.How can people even celebrate the moment if the funeral was yesterday?Sorry if it was too straight forward.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Austin on

I am so sorry for all of your losses and heart ache.
It all sounds so terribly sad.

Have you spoken with your fiance about how you are feeling?
Be honest. Then follow your heart.

You are experiencing some of the strongest emotions and experiences all at once. You CAN be strong. You know that now your sister and grandmother are not suffering. They are at peace.

You know that MIL is on her own journey right now and is being cared for.

If you want to get married next weekend do it.
If you can go to grandmothers funeral, then go.
Whatever you decide, NO REGRETS..

No one will judge you. If they do, they do not really care about you.

Postponing the wedding will be fine. everyone will understand. Just make sure you and your fiance are both on the same page so you can both support each other.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

I think everyone who has passed would want you to experience joy in your
life. I am so sorry for your losses, I know it is difficult. As I write this, I
am waiting for my sister to pass. I am also waiting for a dear friend to pass.
I think they might just go together and hold hands to cross over. Another
friend has breast cancer. These are very dear friends. At the same time,
I am awaiting the birth of my granddaughter. I am so torn, needing to be
in several places at one time, but I can only do what I can do. Have your
wedding and rejoice in the memories of your loved ones. They will be there
right with you, I am sure of it. I do understand you not attending your fiances
grandmothers funeral. I had to pass up going to a friends Moms wake, because I knew that my sister and best friend would be next. He was very
understanding when I called. He knew what has been going on and really
did not expect me to come. So enjoy your day. Let your fiances mother
see you get married. It will mean the world to her. I wish there were some
words I could say to make it better, but there aren't any.

Back in Sept. 2001, there was a gal who was to be married on, if I remember correctly on Sept. 15 or 22. Her father was to walk her down the
aisle but he had died of cancer several weeks before. Her brother, who was a police officer was then the one to walk her down. Unfortunately, he
was killed on 9/11. When our Mayor Guiliani heard about this and spoke to
the bride, she decided that her dad and brother would want her to go on
with her wedding. Mayor Guiliani walked her down the aisle. It was a
beautiful wedding and afterwards she said she was happy she did it. She
held onto the memories of her loved ones and did enjoy her day.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

I'm so sorry for your losses. As for the funerals that is a tough one. For me I try to find the highlights that are being celebrated. Take that with you in to your wedding day.
- Grandma J had a happy life
- Grandma J saw many changes in her life - tv, microwave, 6 wars, etc.
- Grandma J had a strong loving family
- Grandma J was a blessed woman

For me, the majority of people that have passed on have been strong in their faith. That has helped my pain. One was a husband that went to the cemetary 2x a day every day for 4 years. They had been together 64y. He was lost with out her. When it was his time, I was sad but didn't cry. Couldn't cry. He was finally where he'd wanted to be for 4y. He was back at her table eating her homemade chicken with sour cream potatoes. =)

Grieving is a personal thing. No two people grieve the same. If you don't want to attend the funeral on Friday, don't. No one will fault you. If they do, they are selfish.

As for the wedding, approach it with a light heart. Whatever happens (alot of unexpected things happened on my day, including unforcasted snow!) let it go. I once sat in a ceremony hall for 4 hours because the bride had misplaced her custom shoes. 4 HOURS! I told her to walk down the aisle barefoot. Your ceremony is 15mins long. You SOOO could've been married by now! She wouldn't. So there we sat. Then once her shoes were located they proceeded as if there had been no delay and had 3 traditional costume changes during the reception..... do become a bridezilla, but keep the purpose of the day in focus. For you and your fiance to leave the building as one.

- Hugs.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Davenport on

I remember your earlier post about these impending circumstances and asking what to do. I am so sorry about everything happening before the wedding, and so close at hand too. It has to be hard.

You have to do what you feel, fiance feels is right for you two. If you don't want to get married right after the funeral, postpone, people will understand. If you still want to go ahead, they will understand that, too, it might be a welcome relief/break in the saddness. These people who would be celebrating your wedding, are many of the same people greiving and dealing with the realities of the losses you and they have recently experienced, and the illnesses of your sister and future MIL.

Personally, I feel you/your fiance would regret not going to the funeral to say goodbye to his grandma, and that could be a source of future hurt/arguments, so I would go, and yes, it will definitely bring up feelings about your sister, and his mom's future. But you don't get a second chance at funerals, once they are over, they are over. Also, try to remember, the wedding itself is only a "formality", just one day out of a lifetime if love and committment - obviously, you have already committed yourself to your fiance, you two have been through lots together, postponed the wedding already, but you are still together. I know you want that day, you want the celebration of your love, everyone does, but the love will not change, whether the celebration is held now and tinged by sadness, or postponed till later when peopl may be a bit more happy. Personally I would probably go ahead and have the wedding. Unfortunately Life is full of ups and downs; at least if you go ahead and have it, his mom will still be able to be there, if you wait, who knows what else might happen, or how long it will end up being.

You have to do what you two feel will be best.

My husband's grandma died unexpectedly a couple weeks before our wedding, too, although that is more time than you have, it was till a blow. She lived halfway across the country (a 15 hour car ride), but we still made the trip out there by car to go to the funeral; I knew he would regret it if he didn't go, and I wanted to be supportive, too, she was a very loving sweet lady. The trip itself was stressful, and it put a further strain on finances, since I had lost my job to downsizing a few months before that. We had to cancel our honeymoon (we had been planning a big trip to Florida, but ended up doing a FREE weekend thing at my family's lake cabin in WI),and we did the wedding very inexpensively. We still had a wonderful day, though we missed his grandma's presence. People still talk about our wedding day and how nice and relaxed it was, even though we didn't spend much money on it. Our Ninth anniversary was last Friday, we have gone through lots of family drama, 2 4 month long lay-offs for me, 3 job changed for DH, we have moved 2 times, we have had two children by c-section, and lost one through miscarriage, and lost DH's step-dad and a close cousin and friend this year. Life happens, but if your love and committment is strong, you can get through it together and come out even stronger on the other end.

Good Luck deciding, you have to do what you feel is right, not just try to please everyone else.


1 mom found this helpful


answers from San Antonio on

S., my thoughts are with you in this difficult time. Take some time to maybe soak in a warm bath and just cry it out. Allow yourself to bawl hysterically and let it all go. When you're done, run out to some store and grab a couple of candles to be lit before the wedding. This will be your way of honoring your sister and your fiance's grandmother.

I will be praying for you.


1 mom found this helpful


answers from Houston on

I remember your post from before. I guess your sister made the decision for you about weather to put your wedding off or not. All I know is bless her heart...she's not in the way of your plans anymore. You were the lucky one. :(

For Updates and Special Promotions
Follow Us

Related Questions