Funerals. - Conneaut,OH

Kids need to be still and quiet for services at a funeral, which is easy to accomplish because they will be seated with you.

The best part of wakes (calling hours) are kids being silly and playing with each other. It cheers people up to see that life goes on and hear the laughter.

Death is enough of a bummer without adults trying to suck all the joy out of the children too.

ADDED after your SWH:
At 9 and 11 your kids are old enough for you to say frankly, "Cousin Age 13 may try to play around. This is not the place. You will stay with me while we are there, period." Sounds like your real issue here is the one 13-year-old cousin's possible behavior. I might ask his parents what time they probably will be there -- then avoid that time if you can, without telling the parents that. But you can't avoid him or her forever, so setting strong expectations with your own kids is key. You cannot control this other cousin, and don't try to; that is his parents' responsibility and if he is a jerk at the "calling hours" -- well, you have no control over him, but you do have it over your own kids.

Original answer:
Yep, as previous poster said -- very difficult to help you if we don't know your own kids' ages.

By "calling hours" do you mean what I'd call a "visitation" where the body is in a casket at a funeral home and there are specific hours when people can come to the funeral home, and stand around and visit briefly with the family to express condolences?

If that's what you mean, the answer's pretty easy. No "calling hours" visit should be long enough that the cousins have any opportunity to start "acting as a pack" and playing around with each other at all.

You and your husband can both go. Drive separately so one of you hauls the kids away after a short visit. Whichever one of you was closest to the deceased is the one who will do most of the visiting, while the other one of you is in charge of your kids -- YOUR kids, not all the cousins too. Tell your own kids in advance, before you get there, that this is not a time of place to talk and play with the cousins, especially if your kids are used to playing with these cousins.

Take your kids up to say words of sympathy or share a memory with the deceased person's very closest relatives (rehearse this beforehand, so the kids don't suddenly go all shy or try to get away; if they are very young don't do it at all). Then you take the kids off to the side to let the other spouse, the one who was closer to the deceased, visit without the distraction of kids.

Then you leave! Your kids will get restless and bored if you stay and stay. Be quick. The spouse who is the main visitor can stay. Everyone WILL understand when those with younger kids make short visits and leave, especially if the spouse who was the main connection to the deceased person stays behind to visit.

If you kids are older, set expectations with them and be very clear that this is not a social time for the kids. And even older kids shouldn't stay very long. Older kids should indeed speak to the closest family members - it is the right thing to do and the polite thing.

It sounds as if you and/or your husband expect this to be a lengthy affair where you and your kids are expected to stay and stay and therefore you are worried the cousins will all start playing around, but in our area at least, these events are just not like that. If this is instead a "wake" at a relative's home with food served etc. then you will have to basically keep your kids close to you, bring something individual and quiet for them like books, and again -- leave early.

Just worry about your own children. Before you leave remind them that that is not the place for horseplay and loud voices.
You can't worry about what other kids do.
You're only responsible for your two.

I have been going to funerals since I was in first grade. I was expected to sit quietly with my parents and (ETA) not goof around. Most funeral homes have a coffee room near the restrooms. The kids can sit there and talk quietly and many grown-ups will escape to this room or go outside for a bit to get away from the crowd.
Simply explain to the kids they will be wearing their good clothes and you expect their behavior to reflect their clothes. No running, no loud voices, no playing.
I am sure you will have many family members who haven't seen your kids in months or years and will want to see them. It's helpful if you re-introduce your kids to them. Remember Honey, when we saw Uncle Bob at the picnic last summer? Well Uncle Bob is my Mom's brother. Helps the kids put everyone in place.
Usually there is a meal after the ceremony sometimes at the church, sometimes at a restuarant, I've even seen them at the funeral home. This is the time when the grown-ups will talk the the kids can play a bit. Kids at this time can get rowdy. I think it's a way to relieve pent up energy and totally acceptable in my family.
As weird as it may sound funerals are a way for families to connect again. We get so busy with our lives we often don't see aunts and uncles or cousins unless there is a wedding or funeral. In a way it's nice for kids to go to the funeral so they see they are a part of a large family and they have a history and many things to be proud of.

I wouldn't worry about it. You worry about your kids and let the parents of the other kids worry about theirs. My kids (currently ages 8-16) have been going to funerals, wakes and shivas their entire lives and usually some of their cousins or other children are there. It's OK for them to just be kids within reason. Most visitors and family members will welcome their positive presence. They can take a walk outside or go to the alcove if they get restless.

How old are YOUR kids?

I would expect the kids to go to the viewing, and maybe stay a bit, but I really don't know that they need to be there the whole time......

Frankly, each family should be responsible for supervising/correcting their own kids, unless you want to hire a group babysitter to take charge of the younger ones.

I'm sorry for your loss.... loss of a close relative is never easy, even if they were elderly.

Depending on how old your kids are, I would suggest bringing a book, coloring book, or something simple like that. Personally, I don't like "electronic babysitters" (aka PSP, or whatever the popular hand-held games are now a days, or games on tablet for a situation like this).

Kids need to learn to interact properly with adults, and if they can go to school and be expected to sit quietly for a period of time there, they can do that at a viewing. They need to learn how to be respectful of other people, too.

Well, I come from a large family.

A lot of my aunts and uncles died before I was out of highschool. A LOT of them. I went to every single funeral starting at age 2.

We had the funeral at the funeral home in that chapel for the most part. The church...occasionally. When it was all over we'd all go back to this ones house or that ones. The whole family and most of the people that were there. They'd all sit around visiting, like a family reunion for the most part. There would be some laughter and some tears. But overall it would be good family time.

The kids? We'd be shuffled outside to play so the house would be quieter for the adults. We'd run amok in our dress clothes if our parents forgot to bring a change or some other cousin would loan us something totally too big that was soooooo coool because they were "older".

Some of my fondest family memories came from funerals and playing with my cousins. I still remember so many things we did. It wasn't disrespectful, we behaved quite well while getting ready to go and gathering as a family, then we sat with our family during the service. We were even quiet during the meal if it was a church and they offered us one. Then when we got back to that family home we were allowed to go run off steam.

I'm sorry for your loss. May their memory be eternal.

For MY kids? I tell them what I expect of them and their behavior. I don't worry about the other kids...family or not...they aren't in MY house so they don't go by MY rules...

Tell YOUR child what you expect of them and model the behavior you expect.

What activities are okay? That depends on your family.

Most young children, at the age of 5, don't have a really good concept of death. So they don't "get" the tears that come with death and funerals. I would NOT expect a 5 year old to be able to sit through people crying and going through memories for a long period of time. What would be "proper"? Coloring books, books, etc. I am sure some people will give their kids DS's or even a tablet to play games on.

I would expect my 5 year old to give condolences to the direct family member(s). Since they are 5, they don't have the long-term memories others will have to share, so them coloring, reading and playing games would be acceptable to me. if the church or location has a play ground? I would ask that one of the older children or someone from the congregation be asked to babysit the children while at the funeral.

Again, I'm sorry for your loss!

I would certainly take them there. They are old enough to learn to have respect for adult situations and places. Not everything in life is fun. This is a social grace you are teaching them. Do you take them out to eat and expect them to behave? Yes. And this is going to be one of those things they need to learn. Tell them they will speak when spoken to, shake hands and reflect on what people share with them. No running, pushing, shouting or rough play.

With that, adults will undstand that they are kids. Let them come up with the game plan to keep them busy, pending your approval. Remind them if they don't plan, it's going to be a long night for them.

Then if all goes well, ice cream afterwards.

In my experience, if you have respectful, well behaved children, they will be that way, no matter who is around. Just have a talk with them, and keep your eye on them. Funerals are good and bad. You are there for a sad reason, but it is really so nice to see all of your family that you don't get to see so often, so that makes it good. It's almost like a mini family reunion. Don't let them miss it. We have been to so many funerals I can't count, and my kids are always amazed at how many cousins they have. We have always taken our kids to all funerals, and so has everyone in my family.

I am not familiar with "calling hours". We have a church service followed by a reception and my kids have always attended. They have always sat through the service. On occasion when there have been a bunch of kids and the reception runs kind of long the kids will all go outside or to another area and run around for a while. This of course depends on where the reception is held. When it is at a church there is usually a place to run around outside or a gym or another room to play in. If it is at someone's house they may go out to the yard. Many funeral homes have a children's room with some toys.

can you strike a balance? your kids ARE old enough to understand respectful behavior. and they are old enough to attend and pay their respects.
but kids don't process grief in exactly the same way as adults, and it might be a bit much to expect them to go for more than, say, an hour, without getting restless and wiggly. and i know at that age it was a BLAST to get together with cousins. can they go out and play QUIETLY after spending some respectful time indoors with the other visitors?
i also don't think it's the 13 year old's job to maintain order.
have a talk with your kids beforehand and let them know that after they've done their duty they can relax and have fun, but they need to remain sensitive to others and not be out of control. and if they disobey this reasonable edict, there will be consequences.
khairete
S.

Just because the cousin acts out, it doesn't mean that your kids will take that as permission to act out as well. TELL them before hand exactly what behavior you expect from them, and accept nothing less.

Added - thanks for the update.
I agree with Leigh when she says that you keep your kids with you. This is not a time for the cousins to play together. It's not a time for the kids to be with each other when they don't behave. DO have a sit-down with the kids. They need to understand what a visitation is for. If you are unsure, read something about it.

Talk to the kids about respect. Don't stay too long. If you want to stay longer, drive separately from your husband and have him take the kids home.

You mention cousins ranging from ages 13 down to 5. But you don't mention how old your children are. I really can't give you a proper answer if I don't know how old the kids are. Can you update your post?

At 9 and 11 there should be no reason to keep them entertained or even have an activity during the wake. There is usually time to get up and strectch you legs and say hi to well wishers. Your kids will and can learn from your lead.

My kids would always be close to me so the misbehaved cousin would be a non-issue.

There have also been times where we didn't stay for the entire thing. Just a quick pop your head in to say condolences. You also have the option of just going to the funeral and if you show up about 10 minutes early there is also no opportunity for the kids to gather together before the business at hand is settled.

You know, just let the kids be the kids they are. They add reminders of life in times of death. There are a few moments where they should have a more serious manner, but other than that, my experience is that they make others smile and remind us of the circle of life - death is a natural part of it.