Frustrated with Potty Training 3 1/2 Year Old

As a mother, and a daycare provider for the past 10 years, this is perfectly normal. I'd say back off for a month or two. Don't mention it, don't take her to the potty, really nothing. There are plenty of preschools out there that allow children at age 3 to be in diapers. I'd search for one. She also needs that time to grow and develop. Plus, she'll see the other kids going and that may inspire her. I know it's hard to wait, but really pushing won't make it happen. They train in their own time.

Sorry - no advice here. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone - we are in same boat and I know EXACTLY how you feel.

Good luck (to both of us) :)

You can promise her the moon and a pony to go with it and she still won't go until SHE is ready. My daughter was over 4 before she was potty trained but our preschool also allows diapers for a year. We tried it all, and the more you frustrate yourself and the more you push the harder it will be. One day she will make up her mind and that will be it. Best of luck

I remember it being so frustrating when my daughter wouldn't use the potty, even though she had at least once a day six months earlier. It got emotionally easier when I changed my expectations. We stopped expecting her to go on the potty, and instead only occasionally reminded her that, once she's ready to use teh potty all day, she could wear her new underwear. After a few months and a lot of patience and self control (on our part!), she said one morning that she wanted to wear her underwear, we congratulated her but did not make a big deal of it, and she has worn underwear ever since, with very few misses. She was 3.25. She still wore diapers at night until she was almost 4. As someone else said, if you can arrange for interaction with other children that use the potty, that helps as well. Lastly, I've read research that concluded that it is possible to potty train children at a very young age (one or two), but the process is messier (i.e., there are a lot more misses). The study said that age 3 is the average in the US. She will use the potty some day, and it's probably not that far off!

I was totally dreading potty training my almost 3 year old daughter. My Mom sent me an e-book she found and we followed the method and it sure worked. The idea is no diapers, no pull-ups, no training pants from day one. Go to www.3daypottytraining.com and purchase the e-book. I'll give you an overview. We chose 3 consecutive days to train. For those 3 days we did not leave the house (no walks, no errands). The first day I put her last diaper on her and told her after breakfast we were going to put on underwear. So I got organized (I have a 5 month old). She just wore the underwear and a t-shirt those 3 days. We put the potty in the bathroom and I showed her the treats I bought. She knew that if she went pee on the potty she would get 3 animal cookies and if she went poop she would get a chocolate chip cookie. I also had dollar spot (target) puzzles and toys for the end of each day as a reward. During these 3 days you also want plenty of fluids on hand. I always had 2 sippy cups full of apple juice and when she would finish one I would immediately give her another. This ensures she will have to pee a lot. You have your daughter follow you everywhere-the idea is to pick up on cues she gives off when she has to go. The first day was horrible, she peed on everything (the curtains, her brother's play mat, the carpet, the chair, me) After my second load of wash we were both in tears and she just up and ran to the bathroom and went pee on the potty for the first time. She has really never looked back. A couple of accidents here and there but nothing major. We take her to the bathroom before bed, after she has been asleep for about an hour or so, and again around 5:00 or 6:00 am. We eventually fazed the early pee out. Please feel free to e-mail me or call me with any questions.

Good luck!
C.

I imagine that this is frustrating when you receive pressure from others. Parents can influence a child's choice to use the toilet, but it remains THE CHILD'S CHOICE. The trick for you is to find the best way to motivate your daughter.

Since your daughter will go for the grandmothers, it sounds like a control issue between you and her. Don't give her opportunities to make it a power struggle. Skip the "big girl" panties and stickers to reward her. Treat the toilet use as you would using a fork or drinking from a cup; it's an expectation.

If I was in your position, I would simplify the situation. Put her in diapers all day. No pull-ups. Explain that she will be in diapers until she can put all the poop and pee in the potty. When she goes in her diaper, don't be too quick to clean her up. I don't mean letting her sit in it for a half hour, but 5 minutes of waiting isn't unreasonable. Plus, it will give you a moment to focus on being completely poker-faced about having to change her diaper... don't give in to frustration or even thoughts about "why won't she go in the potty?!?!?" She's at the diaper stage, that's as simple as it is. You can use language like, "Does that feel gross in your diaper? If you put the poop in the potty, it would feel so much better for you." Or if she comes into the bathroom when you are going, say, "See, I wear underwear because I use the toilet. Grandma So-and-so uses the toilet, too." Be matter-of-fact, do not patronize her for her choice.

Skip the "if you do this, then you get this" talk. You cannot motivate her to use the toilet with things. Keep stickers as a last resort for when she is closer to being fully trained (i.e. pooping more regularly in the toilet, or staying dry overnight).

Alright, so assuming that you are putting her in diapers all the time, meet up with her friends that use the potty. She's aware enough of her environment to notice that so-and-so is the same age and using the toilet. This may be the very thing to close the deal for her.

Please know that my brother was at his wits end with his 3 and a half year old. I flew out to visit for a week, and trained my nephew. He would go for me because it wasn't about control. You may need to enlist the help of a friend or family member if things don't change before the summer. I hear you about the pressure of preschool enrollment. I wish you all the best!

You want her to use the potty because she wants to use the potty, not because of a treat or a promise to go somewhere, etc. My suggestion, like others, is just to not worry about it for about a month or two. Take the pressure off of both of you for awhile. Don't worry about what others think - hard, but not worth getting upset about others. Once you both are more relaxed, then pick a few day period where you can stay at home the entire time. Again, as someone else suggested, take her to the bathroom every 15-30 minutes without fail. Sit her on the potty and let her try, even if nothing happens, just try. Be happy when she goes, but if she doesn't, then just go back to doing what you were doing before. I wouldn't mention anything about being a "big girl." This might make sense to you, but she could be thinking that she is perfectly happy not being a "big girl" and if this is what it involves then forget it. A few other suggestions: you could have some books near the potty for her/both of you to read while she sits there, this may make her sit there longer; a good time to go is while you are getting the bath water ready, have her sit on the potty, the running water sometimes works; if you see that she goes (particulary #2) in the same part of the house every time (e.g., goes in the corner of the living room), then you can put the potty there for a few days (put some towels down first) and let her go there, once going on the potty is mastered then you can move the potty into the bathroom; maybe she would prefer if the potty was somewhere else at first, you can ask her what she prefers when you are ready to get started, she might like that she has some say in it.

Oh, I so feel your pain on this one! My daughter is five and still has pee accidents, kind of a lot. For some reason she's been independently pooping in the toilet for over a year -- mind you, I am not complaining! -- but the pee thing she just can't or won't get. Wet pants don't bother her. DH and I have had times where we've taken her to the toilet and had no luck, only to have her wet her pants five minutes later. Her hit-to-miss ratio is improving, but it's still very frustrating.

We've tried everything in this house from stickers to boot camp, and the only so-called tricks that have worked are consistency and routine. If my daughter doesn't initiate a trip to the bathroom, we take her every hour or two. We take her before leaving the house, when she gets to where we're going, when she gets home, first thing and last thing every day...you get the idea. She also gets Pull-ups only at night (we've tried night training with, suffice it to say, very little success -- then she is tired and cranky the next day and has more accidents). Her waking hours are spent in underpants or, if we're out, cloth trainers with a waterproof liner.

With accidents, I used to get all screamy like the mom in "For Better or For Worse". The problem is that my daughter thinks it is hilarious when I lose my temper. So now I matter-of-factly handle it like it's any other mess she's made and needs to clean up. Then she has to change out of her wet clothes and into dry ones on her own.

Oh, and BTW, you are NOT a bad mommy because she isn't toilet trained yet. You are taking every action possible for her to learn - which, IMHO, makes you a pretty darn good mommy. As for the people who make it their business to comment on your daughter's development, I suggest making a few remarks of your own - eg, "You say if I left her with you, she'd be trained in a weekend. Really? When can I drop her off?", "Why do you care?", "Little Junior trained at age two? Oh. Good for him."

Good luck and don't be so h*** o* yourself!

I'm in the same boat my son will be 4 in May and #2 will be here in June. The ped said the same thing to me just leave him alone. The fustrating part is he will use the potty at least 1 time during the day but that's it. It's hard not to get fustrated. I wish you the best of luck. I keep telling my self he wont be 8 and still in diapers.

Just be patient and it will happen when she is ready. My 3 year old, literally on Christmas Eve decided to go potty on the toilet, and I can say he is 95% there, an accident here and there. We had been trying for quite some time to no avail, and then like magic no more pull-ups. I guess this was my holiday present.

My older daughter would not poop on the toilet forever, but one day when a friend was over, the friend had to go and did....then the next time my daughter had to go she went and found out it wasn't as scary as she thought, and we never had another issue.

Just to keep in mind, she may be in pull-ups at night, while potty trained during the day, my son was almost 6 and daughter almost 7 before they could get through the night without an accident, this is normal.

Good luck, I know the frustration, but once she gets it, you will be smiling everytime she runs up and loudly announces, "I went pee on the toilet."

You might want to try this: http://www.bootycampmom.com/

I've seen stories about the program on the news, but haven't tried it myself. Good luck!

Thank you so much for posting this. I'm in the same EXACT situation! I seriously could have written this verbatim. My daughter is just 3.5 (January) and I feel like I'm the only one. I did go on babycenter the other day and there are others, but it sure doesn't feel that way. Ive tried everything like you, and she wants nothing to do with underwear or the toilet. My ped says the same thing, just lay off and when she wants to go she'll go. You can feel free to message me privately to compare notes if you'd like. It is so incredibly frustrating.

I read your letter and felt an instant connection with you. My daughter took 2 1/2 years to potty train. She finally finished this past summer at 4 1/2! We also lost a deposit to a preschool because she wasn't ready in time. Like yourself, we had tried everything. Our problem was mental as she got constipated ONCE and never forgot. We were put on Miralax to keep things moving along and just tried to be patient. I know that is not what you want to hear right now. You are NOT a bad mommy because she has not been able to learn this task. I would take a month or months off at a time and never mention it. But on a bright note, when my daughter decided to flip the switch and go, she was potty trained in 2 days. What finally got her to use the potty was a small voice recorder that she could sit on the potty and talk to and listen to when she had to go. For some reason, that toy took her mind off her anxiety of going to the potty and that was that. But figuring out what your special toy/trick maybe is the most frustrating part. We had that recorder in the house the whole time and it was just dumb luck that I picked it up and gave it to her to play to pass the time while we were waiting for her to poop. My Ped told me to find a toy she really loves that can be hand held and only let her play with it when she is practicing on the potty.

Good luck!

My daughter was 3 years, 8 months before she was potty trained (peeing only) and 4 before she pooped on the potty. I completely understand the feeling of thinking she will NEVER be potty trained. I know it's hard but this too shall pass. She will use the potty when she is ready. We also tried everything imaginable. I think every child is different & what motivates one doesn't necessarily work for another. I too was worried about pre-school. I actually spoke with her teacher at the orientation b/c she was still in Pull-ups & it was the policy that they had to be potty trained. Her teacher said to send her in pull-ups and that typically seeing other children use the potty is all it takes. She also pointed out that many children can make it through a pre-school session w/o even needing to potty so it's not that big of a deal. My daughter wore pull-ups the first 2 days of pre-school and then started using the potty. She was also the first born so maybe not having another child at home old enough for her to see using a potty was not helpful. My daughter was a huge Dora the Explorer fan so I bought a Dora doll, told her Dora could sit on the potty w/her when she pooped (she was also scared of being on the potty, falling in, etc.). If she pooped she got to keep Dora to play with but if she didn't, Dora had to go on the top shelf of the closet until she needed to poop again. It only took one time of Dora going in the closet before she was pooping on the potty. The bathrooms at her pre-school all had toilets low to the ground so that helped alleviate some of her fears. She did refuse to use a public restroom for a long time, even if I held onto her, as she was scared of falling in, the loud automatic flushers, etc. Her pediatrician also said to allow her to use the pull-ups to poop rather than have her hold it in as that can cause problems far worse than late potty training. I know it is hard when you are constantly asked about the progress & made to feel that you are doing something wrong. Just try to ignore the comments & enjoy the other accomplishments your daughter has made. Some day you will be able to look back at this & laugh. GOOD LUCK!!

Don't worry, you're not the only one! My sons were just about 4 and 3-1/2 before they did it. They are very intelligent and good athletes and socially adept, so there are no long-term effects. They were not very quick to walk or talk either, but as with those things, once they "got" it, everything was great. When they finally got around to potty training, it went quickly, with few accidents, even at night. That's the bright side: when your daughter does it, it will really be done--no six-month phasing it in for her! Good luck, and please don't worry.

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Hi V.!

I was in the same boat as you are with your little girl. At 3 1/2 my daughter COULD use the potty and did occasionally for grandparents but preferred going in the pull up or peeing on the floor to using the potty. A friend of mine went through a terrible time with trying to potty train her 4 year old son and advised me to keep trying but lay off if she was not ready to do it and so I did. As a result, she was not fully potty trained until she was about 4. It was turning into a power struggle and what finally happened was her father got really upset one night because she waited all day to go pee andd poo until we put her night time pull up on. Her dad is the indulgent parent so for him to get upset with her really shook her up. She didn't want that to happen again so between the fear of that happening and seeing everyone going to the potty in preschool she eventually came around. It took a long time to get to that point but once we made up HER mind we've had smooth sailing and no accidents. Good luck and try not to worry. Each child is different and it shouldn't be a race to reach this milestone. All the best!

First of all, don't beat yourself up about this. It will happen, eventually. And if it takes longer for her than other kids that by no means makes you a 'bad mommy'.

The only thing that I can think of for you to try that you haven't already is what I call the timer method. What I did was I set our kitchen timer for 15 minutes and then it was time to try the potty. I would sit them down for a few minutes and if nothing happened, we would just try again in 15 minutes. And even if they did go potty, they would try again in 15 minutes. I did this for as long as I could each day we were at home and did it for about a week. And for rewards, they got a tootsie roll for going pee and a tootsie pop for going poop.

BTW - I had a potty that talked to you and sang songs, had a toilet paper roll and flusher. I found that this was too much for them and I had to turn it off. I even got a different potty that did not have any bells or whistles and they both did the best on this one. They were distracted by anything.

Also, when I was potty training my younger son, I had a hard time getting him to go. And then my older son came in the bathroom and told him to 'squeeze his pee-pee' meaning the muscle. Well, my younger son understood what he was saying and within 5 seconds he was peeing. I would have never thought of telling him that, but my son did and it worked.

Hope that some of this advice helps even a little. And just remember, no kid have ever gone to kindergrden in diapers. They all learn it at some point. :)

C.

LOL...sorry gotta laugh because I am in the same boat with my boy. Had the big basket of wrapped little presents ready for this weekend. Thought this was my shoe in because he LOVES!!!! presents. Ya turned out he could care less! Most frustrating thing is during the holidays he decided on his own that he was going to get on the potty he peed and pooped and thought he was the coolest thing. Then he stopped, WHAT???? So here we are again pee in his underwear. He won't even get on the potty to try and then I turn around and his underwear is soaked.

I really think it is a control issue and it is something he is choosing to control. I don't know how to get passed it other than waiting.

As far as what others think, who cares! We are all different and do things at different times. Going potty on the toilet does not make your daughter a better person. Please make that the last thing on your mind.

Here is some food for thought. I can't help thinking why my son recently went on the potty for a few days and then stopped. It was during Christmas and my husband and I were off work, playing having fun everything was happy go lucky. Out of now where, we did not even bring it up, he did it all by himself and then stopped when we went back to work and he would not pee at my mom's house where he stays while I work.

Maybe there is nothing to it but just strange how there was just peace in the house because we were not stressed from work or having to go here or there. Maybe he felt at ease and no longer felt that he needed to control that.

Anyway, I am with ya and understand your pain. My son is over 3 and I don't ever want to see another diaper again!

first im so sorry, so many things with kids are tough and this is one of them. dont feel bad you are not a bad mother. all kids are different. i think you need to gather up your patience and stay consistent maybe dont back off anymore. just keep with only underwear except for bedtime and im sure eventually your little one will get sick of being wet or dirty. maybe she is wise to your routine of sticking with it for awhile then backing off. i think consistency is your friend, even when you are so sick of cleaning up hopefull your daughter will get sick of it too. Try to set an alarm clock (or their are watches that kids can wear) for every half hr. and she sits on the potty whenever it goes off for how ever long you determine. if she oges great if not fine. repeat until she gets it. preschool here she comes! best of luck. you're a good mom!