Frustrated with Lack of Husband's Help and Appreciation!!

Amen to being a married "single parent."
That is exactly what I feel like. I am raising 3 children 95% of the time. I have no family or close friends here. I feel like I have lost myself sometimes.

I love my children and I do love my husband.
However I feel the same as you. I don't like him. Trust me, it MUST be normal.

I wish I had a magic answer for you, but I am mixed up myself.
I can tell you though that we can talk each other through it and no matter which way it goes you have a friend!

What kind of dad was your husband's father? My son in law's dad didn't have much to do with his kids because it was his job to go out and earn money. Period.

My daughter has to drag her hubby on family outings because he didn't do any of that with his father while he was growing up.

You need to speak with your hubby and let him know that he's a father not a part time baby sitter. Give him something to do every day with his son. Bath time, reading, feeding is all a great time to interact.

Being a father is different than being a mother. He might not have full confidence in his abilities. Also, how much time to the two of you get to do something husband/wife related? Some men just need more attention. Talk to him, see if he feels left out of things. I would sit down with him once the baby is asleep so that there are no distractions and tell him how you feel when x,y,z happens. Ask if there is anything that you are doing that makes him feel inadequate. I know when there are problems with my husband, most of it stems from either lack of communication or no communication. On both of our parts. Good luck and I really hope everything works out.

Sadly, this sounds like a typical man. Men, in my experience don't "play" with children as much as we do, they are happy sitting back and watching. As for not valuing all you do, my hubby was the same way, until he got laid off for a few months so I started working full time hours and he was home with our daughter, I pretty much made hime take full responsibility at this point, cooking/cleaning and since then he tells me all the time how hard I work. Watching a baby for a man is sitting back and watching TV and letting them do their own thing, so they consider it easy, they just dont realise what we do. they think that since we are at home instead of out at work like they are that we have all this realxation time, because if they were home, they would, ya know. It's frustrating but you really should just talk to him about it, tell him you feel he is underappreciating everything you do and that it will have a serious effect on your relationship if he doesn't at least try to understand everything you do for him, your child, and your household and that he also needs to help out on a regular basis. Good Luck, I hope this situation gets better for you.

C.,

Did you happen to read a similar post from today or yesterday? You two should talk! I know exactly where you are coming from. What can we do to get these men clued in. I don't get it. Here I thought I was alone and look at you, living my life! I always kind of thought that if I don't need him, what is the point? It often feels like I don't need him, but we have more needs than helping out, don't we? I don't have any answers for you...hopefully someone will because I see a pattern here, and it is like age doesn't matter. My husband is in his 40's and he sounds no different than the one in his 20's and I presume yours is in his 30's. What to do about these men?

Hi C.,
I'm not going to be much of any help here, but just wanted to let you know you're not alone. Everything that you wrote, I've been going through too. Down to the thoughts of "I can, and do, so much of this by myself...do I need this? Should I be by myself with my son? Would I have less stress and agrivation...?"
I've tried talking to mine. When I say how tired I am from working full time, then coming home to do all the house chores, and try to spend at least an hour or so quality time with our son, he says "well, make me a list of things to do". First off, he lives there and should know (without a list from me) what needs to be done around our own house. Secondly, if I do make a list, I get all kinds of attitude that day. Or it doesn't get done as something was on TV that caught his attention for the rest of the day...
And yes, the same goes for time spent with our son. Quality time for my husband and son is sitting in front of the TV.
For us, it's getting to a point that I'm not sure of our future together anymore. I'm really debating on trying marriage counseling.
I'm sorry, I'm sure this was no help to you. All I can think of is that if you really want to make it work, and stay together, as happily as possible---you should try to get some alone time with him (if a overnight babysitter is an option, that'll help). And really sit down and talk, with no distractions (like TV, computer, kids, etc.).
I wish you the best of luck!!! If you ever want to talk, or just rant, send me a message. I know how you feel...
Take care!
--J.

I know that my answer to your posting will not be popular. As women we can not blame our husbands for the bad behavior or the lack of behavior because we did not prepared them. I am certain that when your child was born, you were like most new mothers all over the child. Think back and I am certain that this is when you began to wear your wonderwoman outfit. Many women take responsibilities away from the husbands because they feel that they can do it better. Then when they are tired they want help, but you have created the beast who sit in front of the TV. This is typical, we women do it all the time. Do not time your husband that you will need him on x day to babysit his child. Your husband, the father of you child knows what to do. He will continue to do it wrong, or complain this way you continue to wear the wonderwoman outfit you started to wear long ago. I suggest you burn the wonderwoman outfit, sit you husband down tell him what you feel and how things are going to be. He is not a baby sitter, he is the father. As father you leave him his child to do you work.

I would definitely tell him how you feel but make it short and to the point. Men dont' like when you ramble on and most important don't make him defensive because then he'll just fire back about how much he works. You should definitely mention to him that you want him to help more around the house so you are less stressed. And when you catch him watching t.v. while taking care of your son that's when you should say " I think Christopher would rather have you play with him than watch t.v"... than ask your son right then and there" Do you want to show Daddy your dinasour?" It will work if you do it that way... he'll probably get a little annoyed at you but who cares... he'll get over it and he'll realize that you are right. Just tackle one issue at a time... don't expect all of it to get better at once. -M.

This sounds strangely similar to my post!

Hi C. -

I have to agree, its a man thing. We think differently and the communication sometimes just goes right on by (in one ear and out the other syndrom). I was feeling just the same way for years. One thing you need to do is sit down and talk, during a time that wont be stressful. Cant be during any football or NASCAR in my house lol. Tell him you feel things are getting way out of balance and your losing the "relationship time" and "you" time. You would like to take a weekend to go visit someone and have him watch the baby. (that will show him what you do and help him appreciate you more!)

Talk about him maybe doing the laundry or folding it while watching tv to help you out some. (if he's sitting watching tv, why not? my husband folds all the laundry while watching tv, big help!)

Then talk about having a time once a month where you go out, just the 2 of you, for dinner. That will keep your relationship time special and if money is tight, then maybe every other month. You need to have special time to work on your relationship. This is usually the thing that goes away first with infants and young children. We are always taking care of them, house, job and dont feel the extra energy to work on a relationship or trying to make ourselves feel special.

This is when it is the most important time to do this, go get your hair done, a manicure, pedicure whatever, pamper yourself occassionally to keep the "you" feeling like a million! The saying 'if mom's happy the whole families happy' is for a reason!

Also, schedule a "family" time. Maybe a walk in the park or after dinner around the block. Play catch or tag, fly a kite anything you enjoy together.

If you tell him how you feel, hopefully he will understand and if its not during a "yelling" match, then it may stick in his head. I find that the more I yell and "nag" I get tuned right out, but if I hold a conversation and ask for help, then I get cooperation.

But I have to say, we have to realize as women, we do so much more! We are a multi-tasking super mom and Men just dont get it. We worry about a clean house, work, kids and feeding them proper etc. Men just go w/ the flow. There is nothing wrong with that (frustating yes) but sometimes you just have to let it go. So the house is messy and we eat cereal for dinner, the kids enjoy it.

Remember to always take time for you to recharge and collect the sanity that gets yanked at daily, tuck it nicely back into place and you will be set for the next bump in the road of life.