Frustrated 3 Year Old from Broken Home

As much as we would like to sit our kids down and have an adult-like conversation with them, that is just unrealistic. I would highly suggest looking into the 1-2-3 Magic parenting program. Most libraries have the books & video tapes and you can call your local Parents as Teachers Coordinator to see if any classes are being offered locally.

The program is quick and effective and works almost immediately. I've taken 1-2-3 Magic, Love & Logic, and Common Sense Parenting...eventually I ended up using a little of everything but to just get started and stop the atrocious behavior I would recommend the 1-2-3 Magic. The principle is that when the bad behavior starts you begin counting, "That's One" if it continues for another 10 seconds you count "That's Two," and if it again continues, "That's Three, take xxx (minutes time out - 1 min per year old)" Now, the big key here is that a) the time out doesn't start until AFTER the tantrum or whatever has ended and b) there is no discussion about the behavior before or after. Black and white - this behavior is not tolerated, if you do this then time outs will occur. Time outs will continue to occur until the behavior has been modified. I have to say I saw a near immediate change in my kids...Within a week they were downright angelic! LOL... be patient and firm and make sure everyone is on the same sheet of music!!!

F., i would definitely (if i was your sister-in-law) keep an eye on the situation and if she feels there is a legitimate threat to the safetly of the child - ACT. i doubt forcing a dad to take a kid he doesn't want anything to do with is a great way to have visitations...if it was my child i would be brokenhearted for my child, but i would not force it - it's HIS loss. i feel that forcing visitations just causes bad feelings and the child is probably picking up on the fact that he's not welcome. at the very least his dad is probably disinterested and resentful.

i also have a three year old and i can tell you (his daddy works a lot of nights and weekends so he's kind of a mama's boy) that my son will try to act out with me worse than anyone else. it seems worse when he is around his dad MORE, actually. he'll be great with daddy then as soon as daddy has to go to work, the attitude starts. i know that he's just upset that daddy's gone again and doesn't know how to express it or deal with it. the fact that this little boy is this way with your sister-in-law may just mean that to him she's his "mom" or main caregiver. he trusts that he can act out in his frustration and she'll still be there to love him. she probably doesn't give him the on-again off-again love that his mom does.

anyway, three is a tough age, and i just hope that it gets better for this family.

Hi F., I've worked at a couseling center for the last 4 years with kidos 3 to 21. My job was working directly with kids in their homes or schools. They were reffered to me, a Case Manager, through a Therapist. One thing that I have noticed with kids who act out aggressively is that there is a lack of consistancy between care givers. Your SIL may be very consistant with him, and his mother and father may not. This in itself can be to difficult for a little tike to deal with. I have worked with many families and it can be very difficult to get everyone on board with making a positive change for the child. Without knowing any more, I wonder if the daughter is frustrated and resentful with the childs father and that is why she is forcing him to go. This should be addressed. I am a supported of counseling, especially family counseling that would include the mother child, grandmother, and father if he was going to be a caregiver. The daughter would have to agree to it and scheduel the initial cousnseling appointment. There will be paper work and such but there is staff to help with any questions. If your SIL is seriously concerned perhaps she can request that if her daughter is going to be living in her house that she attend therapy with your SIL. Has the daughter been checked for depression? Is your SIL able to communicate effectivly with her? These are questions think about also. I hope that progress can be made. Through Love and Learning program that was previously mentioned or if the case is getting severe enough, then through counseling. Once children feel safe in a loving environment that is consistant, they bounce back very quickly.

I was in the same situation, at 3 my grandchild would come home and it would take him 2 days to calm down, he was hyped up on junk food, cursing was stopped with a little soap in the mouth, dad only wanted him to get child support from mom but gave him up after he couldnt get full custody, bio mom used him to get what she wanted, she left our home and after 2 years of no contact we terminated her rights so we could get full custody, what is best for the child? put the child first, obviously this mother is not putting the child first. She should Talk to bio mom about giving her full custody to make decisions for this child, what is mom doing for this child in regards to financial and emotional support? Is mom supporting the bio mom? Has she discussed this with her? I agree with the response of grandmother giving the child lots of love, hugs and kisses, its not the child with a problem but can turn into one if things do not change

This little boy is acting out to the one and only person that loves him unconditionally. That says it all... I have no idea what she should do, except keep loving him unconditionally and be the one stable, dependable and caring person in that little boys life.
Some professional help for him might not hurt either.
I wish her and her grandson luck.
C.

Sorry for your sister-in-law's trouble. It is so heart-breaking to experience this. Her grandson is 3 years old and that's around the age of terribleness. My son was such a good baby boy and then when he hit 3 it was awful, he grew out of it, thank goodness. I wonder if it's a combination of an unstable home and the age of defiance.

What type of discipline does your sister-in-law use? I know you said no spanking, but the current punishment may need to be stricter. I used to tell my son that if he hits he will get put in time-out (standing up and facing the wall)for 3 minutes. Once the 3 minutes were up, we would talk about what happened and why what he did was wrong and what would happen if he continued to misbehave. I would make the punishment harder each time it happened in a given day like taking away a toy or a privilege. It helped a lot to warn him during the reconcile that way when I noticed he was about to act up, I would gently remind him of the consequence and he usually made the right choice. Also being firm and calm helped a lot. I would get so angry and I noticed that when I did it didn't help the situation or if I backed down on my "threats" I noticed he regressed faster.

Good luck and I hope it works out better soon.

High praise to your sister-in-law for stepping up to the plate for this little boy. God bless her for that great sacrifice. I would assume the child is being abused during his time with the bio dad. He is too young to come back home and tell about it. It may also be that he's too terrified to tell what's going on. I would stop these visits immediately. It isn't ALWAYS a good idea to have a relationship with a bio parent. Sometimes the best thing is to cut ties, or certainly at least don't force the relationship. It must also be very, very frustrating and hurtful to this little guy to have bio mom RIGHT THERE, but not interested in him. I can't imagine the pain.

I strongly urge your sister-in-law to seek pediatric counseling to help both her and her grandson learn how to face these challenges.

I think it's great that you're showing concern and want to help. Sometimes it really does take a village.....

I do not agree with the other replies about swatting.

Honestly it sounds like there is something going on at dad's house. I know this from experience. My son's father was abusing him, he would get punched in the stomach and the head ( it didn't leave bruises that way). I saw a huge change in my son, acting out with anger. Then his dad lost control one night. I now know those anger episodes were a cry for help. I sadly didn't take it at that and just thought my son was acting out.

Your sister in law needs to try to get the root of the problem and find out where the anger is coming from. Some child counseling could help bring the problem to surface. I could be very wrong, it may be anger from feeling not wanted by his mother and father.

I wish you the best of luck.

honestly, the grandmother may need to consider requesting full custody of the child....& remove the mother (I know it's her daughter) from the house. I know this sounds harsh & cruel, but the child's mother is the problem here... not the child!

If the child's mother learned to become a caring, nurturing mother.....then none of this would be an issue. & as for the bio dad, NO!...he does not need to be in the picture- that's just bio mom trying to control everybody. If he wants to be dad, then he'll step up to the plate. & again, honestly, "why" is the child soooo upset when he comes home? Wouldn't that be a huge red flag?????

As for discipline, remove the red flags from this child's life & you'll see a much happier child. In the current situation, he doesn't have a chance to thrive. To stop that hitting, instead of placing him in time-out....what about trying something to provide the security he so desperately needs? For our older son, we held him on our lap for time-out. He was a very high-energy child & could not slow down his actions once he cycled into them. By holding him (& I want to be very clear: we did not "restrain" him.), & talking very-very calmly (never letting him see us sweat!)....we were able to get him to relax & calm down. It was only then that we could address whatever had happened. Maybe using this method would calm the child thru the positive touch of someone who cares.

Sometimes a little swat is needed. There is a difference in a little swat and a beating.

Hi F.,

How sad for the little guy to be shuffled somewhere where he doesn't want to go and he probably feels his father is not interested in him!

I think he is probably acting out against his Grandma because she is the true constant in his life and the only one he can trust. I think your sister should sit down with her daughter and tell her even tho she agrees with him having a relationship (if she does) with his father, maybe the father should visit in her home, where the little guy is comfortable. Imagine being shipped off to someone you barely know and not being old enough to make a point with words! Do they know how he is treated when with his father?

Let him get to know his father and then send him off to him. If the father is interested in having this little guy around he will come to them until the boy is ready to go with him willingly.

Good luck to your sister - she is in a position I would not want to be in!

N.

Ditto on what Sue H. said.

This is a sad situation. This little boy has some serious issues with aggression and neglect from the parents. First grandma needs to make daughter go to counseling so she try to get balanced with her child. This is a must for both of them.
Second if he is that violent upon return from dads something is going on there also he may be being abused. I would stop those visits now. I would also get in touch with a family counseling for him also.
This sounds like a child crying for some parental love and guidance.
He strikes at grandma because of her unconditional love for him. because he is striking her there really is a chance someone is abusing him.
She needs to stay calm and ask him why are you so angry. what can I do to help you. let him know it is not okay for anyone to hit him or for him to hit anyone.
I will pray for them all.