Friendship - Lafayette,CA

I guess it depends on how long you were friends. For me, a person isn't truly considered my friend unless we have been friends for a long period of time. If not then it's just an acquaintance.

If it's just an acquaintance then their really is nothing to "get" over.

It takes two to make a friendship. If it's just one sided then you aren't really friends to begin with..that's just my take.

I've got 5 very close friends, and a thousand acquaintances.. Those 5 I have knows from 5-25 years. They aren't going anywhere, and neither am I. I like to keep it that way..

All I know is... I am not the type to get over a friendship.
Meaning, it really doesn't faze me if stuff like this happens.
Its not like a break up with a guy.
And who knows what makes people do that.
Maybe they are having their own life juggling and just are swept up with other stuff. I really don't take it personally... UNLESS the person themselves has said or did something PERSONAL to me/against me directly for no damn reason.

Frankly when someone is really pinning me down to something or to a certain way of things and of my having to act a certain way... I stay away. Too clingy for me.

And yes... MAYBE it has NOTHING to do with, you.
Not everything, has to do with us personally.
That is how I see things.

"She's just not that into you."
I know it's sad, but friendships are like romantic relationships. Sometimes you break up, and sometimes the other person breaks up with you. It's too bad she's not telling you why, but maybe it's because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings. I mean, would you really want her to say, "I'm just no longer interested in spending time with you?"
Take the hint and move on. Concentrate on spending time with women who WANT to be with you!

I had a friend of over 20 years and much of that time I found it was me chasing her down... Oh we'd have some fun when we hung out, but what was clear to me, although I REFUSED to see it at the time was although I would invite her out with my friends and include her in most every aspect of my life, she didn't do the same with me. In fact, she keeps all her friendships separate and can be very controlling. Well, it took much hard work and retraining of my mind to realize that I didn't need to be in friendships where I wasn't completely happy and was only getting breadcrumbs, or was considered the weekday person but not the person to hang out with on the weekends.. (those were reserved for her fun friends) ....for a long time there was a disconnect between us and there were times when she really wasn't a good friend, in some cases, downright rude (as a couple of her friends were also rude to me as well) and when I confronted her, she basically blew it off... but in my old co-dependent way, I was still friends with her.. until one day....... after lots of re-training of my mind and emotions I WOKE UP!! to the facts....... I decided that I would rather be around no one than to be treated as she had treated me... not to mention, I mourned the loss of what I wanted the friendship to be.. now, I don't call her (she calls me on occasion) and while it's not that I wish her ill will, I just lost my attachment to her... it was and is a freeing experience... you can do that same... accept what IS and not what you would like the friendship to be. it's just too painful to keep holding on... I realized that all those years I was holding on to that friendship, I wasn't allowing new friendships in.. try not to do that... open up yourself to new and old friendships where people want to hang out with you and enjoy who you are as a person..
treat the friendship like a death.... but don't try and bring it back from the dead.... it takes work, but you can do it..

good luck to you

I have been used, dumped on, take take take with no giving back. It all became this higher power of expectations. Sometimes friends have higher expectations and I admit I wanted to have expectations in my friendships and all it did was let me down. I wanted someone to need me, to want my help, to call and ask advice, wanted to spend time with me and enjoy the friendship of closeness as much as I did.....but reality was, I was not getting any thing back in return. At first it made me feel good to be the one all giving in but then there was a loss that I was not getting my needs met.
So needless to say , I was insecure, I was needy and I was awaiting for the perfect friend that would care about me as much as I cared about them. I guess someday, someone is out there for a good match for me, but I have not found it. I learn to have little expectations, to grow more of my needs with my family and husband then my friends and just allow the tables turn naturaly. It is really really hard for me, because I would love to have a very special friend in my life to give and take with........cry with, share emotion with. But really...........it was me that had to change to achieve that . I wish you luck and pray you can find peace in this.

I had the exact same thing happen to me. I had to contact her first-every time. I finally decided that things just couldn't be the way they were before and let the friendship go. It has to do more with her life than with you. I found other friends and other hobbies. I figured if she valued the friendship she would contact me.

I had the same thing happen only I kept reaching out. Finally I had to just let her go and accept sometimes It is not about me. It still hurt, but realizing she was done made me reach out to other people. It took a couple of years but now I have several friends I rotate doing things with so it doesn't put so much pressure on one person.

I am confused:

"we got together one or two times, but nothing following"
"if we are to get together, it has to come from me"
"there is NO effort on her end at all"

Soooo, if you've only socialized one or two times, then how do you consider this a friendship? I call it a new acquaintance. !!

I'm hoping that I'm reading this wrong, & you actually knew her for some time/years, not just thru what you've described to us! If your post today truly represents your relationship (total sum of 2 get togethers), then you are coming off as being insecure & needy. I know you wanted us to be nice, & .....pretty much.....this IS being nice over my interpretation of your above post.

We need more info! How long have you known her? How frequently do you actually speak? What brings your lives together? & do you share common friends/interests/lifestyles?

All of this factors into each of you & your approach to friendship. As true friends, we really shouldn't judge each others methods when it comes to friendship. Part of friendship is accepting us as we are! & applauding the differences!

I'm honestly not seeing slight over this. If this is truly a new/casual acquaintance, then my "take" goes back to your overly-wrought emotions over it. I wish you Peace.

I think you just mourn it for a few days, and then you have to move on. Focus on your other friends, and don't think about her. Just like you would if a guy dumped you. Don't sit around wondering what went wrong.

Good advice from Mamazita. You don't want this to go on for as long as it did for A.L., so let it go.

I have never got upset over a friendship that changes so no reason to get over it. Friendships are two ways and who you are changes so what you need changes. If you don't change the same way you float apart but as long as you don't have all these strange feelings you tend to float back together again.

I guess I just don't understand why you feel you must "get over" anything. You are still friends unless you want to make more of this than there needs to be.

I mean how can she tell you what is wrong when nothing is wrong?
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I don't get why everyone else doesn't see your friend didn't end the friendship, you are just too needy. Sure when you have free time you hang out with your friends but when your time is limited you save your time for your family. Just because you have time and she does not doesn't mean she ended the friendship. That you can't see that put you as only thinking of yourself and not what is going on on her end. That makes it sound like you aren't much of a friend.
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I just want to add the only reason I point this out is hopefully it helps you see the other side. She didn't end the friendship, she still considers you a friend, it is just for whatever reason she is spread thin and doesn't have time. I just don't see how her needs changing should make you feel so sad.

Oh yes, I have been there and it is hard. I still don't really know the issues with my friend and this was like my best friend, we were each maid of honor in our weddings etc. But I do know that it wasn't about me, her life changed a lot (in ways she did not choose to share) and she moved on, it happens. We are OK now, but not like we were and I had to accept it. What I did was forgive my friend for just dropping me and I occasionally reach out to her. Now some years later we do catch up now and again I learned that no matter what if I have my family we are all good. Hugs :)

So sorry. People who don't feel the way you do just don't "get it". These are two different personalities - yours and the personality that losing a friendship doesn't matter or bother.

I take it that she didn't tell you what changed with her. If she won't talk about it, you'll never know. Maybe she won't talk about it because it wouldn't put her in a good light. Sometimes that's the worst part of it, the not knowing. If you had done all the work on the friendship from the beginning, then you'd know that this is just the way she is. If it is an all-of-a-sudden thing, then there is a reason. But even if there is a reason, perhaps nothing can be done to remedy it.

I don't know if she was a fair-weather friend or a friend only if you were doing her favors, but if you think that she was, then that's painful in and of itself. Don't feel bad for feeling like you were duped.

I have had a few friendships in my life that it hurt me to lose. Most were because of distance. One was a betrayal because I was being used and didn't know it. (I think THAT was the reason it hurt to lose the friend - not that the friend meant all that much to me.) I hope that this isn't a betrayal to you - that can take a long time to get over.

I think that the only thing that helps you get over it is time and perspective. All those emotions you mention are valid. Quite frankly, I think you need to get angry in order to help you get over it.

Hang in there~
Dawn

I know you're sad and angry, and you have every right to feel how you feel, but I would try not to take it so personally. You say you gave her "every opportunity" to tell you what was wrong but you didn't consider that there isn't anything wrong at all. Sometimes friends simply grow apart. It's not something you did or said, it just happens. The closeness isn't there like it was because of life changes or your lives aren't similar enough any longer. Sometimes you outgrow each other.

It's not fun realizing it when it happens. Let yourself mourn. It's okay.

You just have to get over it. People change and often head in different directions. Sometimes you are just on 2 different pages for no apparent reason, other than timing, work, SAHM, financial situations. These things all may have a hand in what happens with both of you personally. You may find you can't vacation together...one of you is financially secure, one isn't. One likes to excercise and take a multitude of classes, one doesn't. One will make new friends at the gym and develop new interests and one can get stuck in a rut. I am going through that with my godson's mom right now. and we use to call each other at least 3 times a week. I haven't heard from her since August. And, like you, I always have to be the one who calls and asks about my godson and the last time we spoke, everything about it was so labored. Mourn it and let it be what it is, give each other space to breathe, it may take a turn for the better later.

I have had several friendships dissolve over the last few years, and while it is hard to lose any friendship, time WILL heal. What helped me was realizing that if I had not lost/ended a friendship, I would not have the great things I have in my life today. For example, I had focused so much of my time and energy on one friendship that there was no room for anyone else, and honestly, I was afraid to try a lot of new things in life because of this friend's judgement. Once she was out of my life, I was sad that such a close friend was gone, but I also tried a lot of new things and met a lot of great new people.

Try to get out and meet some new people. Throw yourself into a new hobby, volunteering, etc. It will help. When you see this old friend, be polite but do not expect too much, so that you are not disappointed. She might have something major going on in her life that she is not comfortable sharing with you or burdening you with. Or, she might be hurt or just not a good match for you but does not want to all that on you. Either way, try to move on and find other good things in life to lift you up.

I would not take it personally, but if I were you I would join a walking or book or biking club in your area, and focus on things you truly enjoy. From that may come new acquaintances that could become friends. If not, you had a good time doing your hobby. I had a friend from work who I really enjoyed hanging out with, but she still lived in the town she grew up in and had about 20 girlfriends from high school days and simply did not have time for me after we did not work at the same place anymore. She still liked me and I liked her but while I tend to have about 2 to 5 very close friends, she was used to seeing all those 20 "close" girl friends and she had even more acquaintances.

I'm sorry I feel for you. You get attached to friends and the way things ar going and then one day it changes. Thankfully this seems to the 1st time for you. Maybe the problem is you got too attached. People will see that as needy and steer away at time. I find the best cure for an emptiness is to find something else to do. A new group of people and new way of doing stuff. Turn inward and what you can improve in yourself.

Just some things to think about, I would say first that it isn't Over but you are drifting away and she is making no effort to row towards you.

So you get over it by finding other things to fill what you are missing with her.

So is it someone to listen to you, or do you miss having someone to go to the movies with, or is she the friend that is great to have playdates with because the kids get along and you have someone to chat with.
Pin point what you were getting out of the relationship and think about who or what is around for your to replace with.

of course i have gotten over a friendship that either ceased or frazzled away. it's always sad. what i do is move on. i can' sit and mope around someone else's decision. in the long run, i say, it's their loss.

I have many close friends. Friends that I've had since elementary school and friends whom I've met through work and playgroups. Once I take to someone, I open up and expose myself. I love them dearly, and I'd do almost anything for my friends. With that said, I haven't been a very good friend to any of them for the last 7 months. What happened? I was fired from my job. It wasn't just a job. It was "my" career. It rocked my self-confidence so abruptly, that I am just beginning to recover. It sent me into a tailspin of depression. I've always felt strong and outgoing, but all I've been able to do is hide and lick my wounds. I make excuses to not socialize (no babysitter, no money, etc.), because I don't want to admit that I am humiliated and depressed over getting fired and I don't know what to do about it. In time, I know this shall pass, and I am sure my friends will forgive me as I have forgiven them when for whatever their reasons they were not there.

While you are waiting to see if she will come around, seek ways to make new friends. As mentioned before, maybe your friendship wasn't exactly a match or maybe you each have different definitions of what a friend is or does. My friends fulfill different needs for me. Every woman should have lots of friends. A book entitled "It's a Chick Thing" discusses this issue in a very funny way.

I like you. I wish more friends would be like you. I read what you say about 'please be nice' and took it to heart. I think that you are too good of a friend for her and some other lady would appreciate your type of friendship.

My situation is very different than yours. I was very lonely a few months ago. I am now bursting with friends and social life. The difference? I now make every effort to reach out. I did not do that in the past.

God bless. Her loss.