Friends Visit Too Often...

Updated on February 24, 2013
L.M. asks from Delight, AR
7 answers

First, let me say I probably brought this on my self because I'm a very quiet person who will avoid confrontation unless absolutely necessary. My 8 year old daughter has a couple of friends who like to come over after school to play. They "stay" with a relative after school. Neither their mom nor their relative have called to ask if it is okay for them to come over. They cross what I think is a very dangerous road to get here and stay till dark when she calls them back. They run in and out of the house, leaving the door open, drag things out all over the house and leave it, and go through anything in sight. I caught one trying to take some of my patterns and fabric home. As I got it and was trying to put it back in the box, his sister grabbed some of it and just threw it around. Once, when I picked my children up at school, one of the kids got in my car with her bags. She told her mom that I had talked to her aunt and said it was okay for her spend the night. Her mom never called to see if this was true. She had already missed the bus so I allowed her to stay. She tried this 2 more times but was caught by a teacher who knew she was supposed to ride the bus. One day the weather was getting pretty bad so we told them they needed to get home before it started to storm. They said their aunt had gone somewhere and they had to stay until dark. It started raining and lightening so they decided they better go- in the storm. I told them I would take them home- no way was I going to send them in the lightening. Their aunt was walking down the road to come get them. What is a nice way to tell them I don't want to 'babysit' every afternoon. Maybe once or twice a week, but I have a lot to do in the evenings.

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answers from Memphis on

OMW L., time to confront. Time to set down with the powers that be and tell them that you enjoy having children over but can't do it every day. Pick one day a week that they can come over after school but on school nights they have to be home by 5, or whatever time works best for you. My 9yo goes to school till 4 so after school playdates are out, we only do weekends, which is always an option too, WITH set times!. And this is YOUR house, do not let these children run all over you. You set the rules of your house, write it up on a poster board if you have to and tell them that as long as they are in your house, they have to obey the house rules..if they can't/don't, they go home and can not come back for 2 weeks. If it continues, up it to one month and if it still persists, stop it all together.

Children push the boundaries all the time and they know they can get away with this behavior at your home. Don't let tears or back talk stop you. If I caught them taking things from my house, it would be an automatic suspension of playdates until I talked with the parents/aunt/whomever is in charge.

Some parents just don't invest the time/energy into their children the way it seems you do. So you are perfect for them because they don't have to take care of their own & you get all the work. Chances are they don't know what their children are up to, so it's time you set the rules, enforced the rules & opened up & communicate with their authority figures.

I think sometimes people confuse confrontation with being bossy or in charge. Confrontations often are good in that you don't get ran over by someone & your thoughts and beliefs are revealed. So take a deep breath & just jump in.

Don't be afraid you wont be liked, we all want to be liked, but we're not suppose to be our children's buddies nor their friends buddies, we're their parents. And while we want a great relationship of trust & closeness with our children the truth is we are in charge of them and as such we set the rules. Same with their friends. I have confronted my childrens friends on many occasions from what they are wearing to how they are behaving toward someone or in public. And if they don't like it and chose not to return to my house, it's no skin off my nose. If these kids decide they don't like your rules and don't win! LOL. Your children may not like that their 'friends' don't come over any more, but that's when you tell them about how their behavior was unacceptable & your job is to protect them & that's what you did.

Sorry this is long, but I get so upset when I see parents afraid to confront their children or another child in their care about such things. Not in a mad way upset, but in a sad sort of way. I wish you lots of luck, will pray for you as you confront these children & their parents.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Nashville on

Wow, you do seem to have a mess there. I am always amazed at the audacity of some people that they would just pawn their kids off on others. The only thing I can suggest is to just be honest and straightforward whether it be with the mother or the aunt or both. If you are not comfortable facing them, maybe you could send a note home with one of the children. Even if you say something along the lines of having activities/commitments in the afternoon and you are concerned that the children might show up and you all not be there. That if they want to come play on this day and this day for AN HOUR that would be fine. I wish you luck!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from New Orleans on

I would just tell them to go home...that today isn't a good day to come over and leave it at that. When they are there then they are subject to your rules at your home or they have to leave.

I have a lot of nieces and nephews...most live within walking distance of my home. They all know how they are expected to act at my home and if they can't do it then they go home. I also call my SIL or brother to let them know why they are coming home.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Huntsville on

I would talk to the parents and tell them that you will not let the children come over unless you talk to them first. You can't always trust a kid to tell the truth about that stuff. I have a cousin that even as a young teenager he would tell my mom that his parents said it was ok for him to come to our house, when in fact his parents hadn't actually said yes yet. He got the story mixed up or just made it up to get what he wanted.

The kids' parents need to call you first & discuss what is a good day & time for the kids to come over. If you don't want them over, then say no & do not let the kids come over. It's your house & you need time with your family too!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Little Rock on

I too would talk with the parents. Let them know how you feel. If you want to keep the kiddos then let them know when YOU will we available to do that. Then let them know HOW LONG you will do it. It isn't confronting them, the most important thing is the kiddos involved. It's hard to see little ones who have families that don't seem to care where they are or what they are doing. You just have to take care of yours, they are first, then do what you can, and pray for them. It is not your responsibility to take care of them. Just let them know when you will, if at all, and for how long. If they come over when they are not suppose to, send them home. As far as how they are at your house, Im with the other ladies. If they can not abide by your rules, then they go home. Just the way it is. As far as stealing goes, maybe they need to not come over for a while. That is what I think, they need to stay home for awhile. They do seem like they are abusing the privildges!
Be sure to let us know how your talk with them goes!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Mobile on

First, I would talk to the school about the incident of them missing their ride and trying to get rides from you. Let the teachers and principle be resposiable for them getting home. It is not your place. They should have monitors , at least my kids school did, we also had our kids name in the car window when we picked our kids up, for safety reasons, the school came up with for car riders. You may want to suggest useing this in the school.

Next, you need to have a voice and talk to the kids parents. Let her know you would appreaciate a call to see if the children are allowed over that day, or any day. You have obligations on some days and you can't leave knowing weather or not the children leave from your home when you leave, and you feel resposiable when they just show up.
Believe me, if the parents become angry over your request, you may have just done yourself a favor from haveing unruly children in your home, should the parents decide to not let them come back around.
Good Luck hun.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from San Diego on

I had a similar problem. My neighbor's kid kept coming over to my house to play with my son almost everyday after school. I just began to say no. I told the child that my son does not have company everyday and it is ok if he visits some Saturdays. It was even more difficult because we attend the same church. Most of the time this child will hit other children and does not follow directions. You just have to be honest and wise. After I began sending him home, I think his mother got the idea. He doesn't visit as often. This is not just a rule for this particular child, but any child who wants to visit. Remember it is your house and your child, you have the responsibility to run your home the way you feel it should be ran. These people don't pay your bills and they don't raise your kids. Be strong, firm, fair, and wise.

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