Friend's Child Has Cancer

Updated on June 16, 2008
A.L. asks from Frisco, TX
34 answers

I recently found out that a friend's 4-year old son has cancer. The doctors are in the process of assessing his situation and coming up with a treatment plan. They will be in the hospital for a month or 2 while they make a plan and treat him.

I am extremely worried about her and her son. And, I really want to help her in some way, but I am at a loss as to how. Her only request so far was that I pray for them, which I am doing. I would really like to help in a immediately tangible way as well. Does anyone that has been in this situation have a suggestion on what might be helpful to her?

1 mom found this helpful

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So What Happened?

I just wanted to take a minute and thank everyone for ther great suggestions, prayers and thoughts. I was even able to connect and reconnect with a few people that know my friend personally. I post on this site rarely, but that may change now as I know how helpful the advice can be.

I went to the hospital to visit my friend and her son over the weekend. All things considered, he looked great to me. He has a long fight ahead of him, probably about a year of chemo, surgeries and possibly radiation. But, they have received some good news as well. The cancer has not spread to other parts of his body. I think this is a great hurdle to get over. OVerall, the family is holding together well. I am pretty sure I would not be able to be as strong as they are.

I went in with a couple of other friends and we were able to put together a nice care package. I wrapped 8 small toys and gifts, numbered each one and added a card to each one with a cute riddle related to the gift inside. I thought he could open one each week over the next 8 weeks and it would give him something to look forward to once the vistors and gifts stop flowing. I also included some crossword puzzle and game books, magazines, and board games for his family to pass the time. Lastly, we included a Chili's gift card so that they family could get something besides hospital food if they wanted.

My friend really appreciated the gift (although the hospital room was filled with gifts, as I knew it would be.) But, I think what she enjoyed most was the fact that we visited. I guess everyone is different, but it just sounded like the more visitors they have the more it takes their minds off of the situation.

Please keep up the prayers and thoughts. The family needs all the help they can get.

Thanks again,
A. L

More Answers

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G.A.

answers from Tyler on

When we were in the hospital for a few weeks we had a friend bring several rolls of quarters so we could use them at the vending machines, get a newspaper, etc...

Sounds little but it really was one more thing we didn't have to think about. I also like the parking ticket idea.

One other thing was a calling card. Sometimes you can't use your cell phone in the hospital so we received calling cards to be able to contact family with.

God bless you for being a good friend. We will be praying for her child as well.

3 moms found this helpful
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L.M.

answers from Dallas on

The other mom's suggestions were great....I agree with helping out with other children....taking meals...doing laundry....running errands....bless you for helping a friend in need!

3 moms found this helpful
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A.

answers from Dallas on

Well, although this is more practical than sentimental, one thing that was given to a friend of mine was gift cards for gas(if they are doing a lot of traveling back and forth..like maybe if dad is working and going to the hospital) and restaurants that are close to the hospital. If you know lots of people that know the family and want to help, this is a great way. It was actually my friends husbands employer (Southwest airlines) that handled those donations, and it was so helpful she said. Just a thought. It is great that you are trying to help out!! ~A.~

3 moms found this helpful
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E.H.

answers from Dallas on

If it turns out there is a specific hospital or medical center she will have to spend a lot of time at, you could buy her a booklet (or two or three) of parking passes. It's a small detail, but it is such a relief to not have to worry about having the right cash every time you come or go in addition to all the other things you are worrying about.

Also, if she has other children you might offer to babysit them and take them out to do special things (since the focus will be on brother for a while).

Eating around the hospital is always a challenge. You might drive around the hospital and get gift certificates to restaurants she might enjoy that are close by. You could also cook and take meals to her or offer to do some laundry while she stays at the hospital.

2 moms found this helpful
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R.R.

answers from Dallas on

I've had a child in the hospital for extended periods. Some of the most helpful things people did for me:

brought me a small cooler (over the shoulder type) with variety of drinks. And a tote bag with variety of snacks.

Came and took me to lunch to force me to get away from the hospital for a few hours.

cleaned my house, did my laundry. Kept my yard mowed. Kept my other children and carted them to activities.

sent phone cards and cash for those yummy cafeteria meals.

Brought meals to my house. Especially the kind that I could just pop into the oven and it's all done!

Another idea would be to volunteer to set up and maintain a "carepages" for her. www.carepages.com - it's a free site where you can post daily updates so that friends and family can go and read daily, and post back to them. Saves them from repeating the same info multiple times a day. Plus after the fact, it is a journal of their ordeal.

2 moms found this helpful
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H.M.

answers from Dallas on

Prayer is the most powerful, but I have had a few friends that have been in the hospital with a sick child. What helped them out was watching the kids, cleaning the house, making sure the house was cleaned, gas cards, change and gift cards to local restaurants around the hospital. God bless and know that I will be praying for this family.
H. M.

1 mom found this helpful
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L.P.

answers from Dallas on

She probably won't accept this right away, but...you can always offer to give her a break at the hospital so she can nap, shower, relax, etc. When my little sister was in the hospital, friends would bring my mom "real" food or just sit up there with her and just be there if she needed to talk. I'll add her to my prayer list. Best of luck!

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R.T.

answers from Dallas on

Hi dear!

Having been that mom in distress I think I can share with you what had the greatest impact on me. My daughter was 5 about to turn six when she was finally diagnosed with cancer.

The GREATEST impact that I felt was all the people coming to pray with us AT the hospital that first time we were there for an extended stay (biopsy and beginning of chemo). I know that everyone I knew had reached out and people starting coming out of the woodwork to send my daughter cards, presents and encouragement and prayer for us parents. A church group from some church out of State even sent a beautiful box FULL of little 3x5" cards decorated by their kids with sweet little messages by the kids and pictures.

I also had a step sister who had lost a child to brain cancer approximately 2 years prior offer to reach out but at that point I did NOT want to have ANYTHING to do with a parent who had lost the battle. I appreciated her offer to be there but I did not want to have to face the fact of possibly losing my then only child or facing a parent who had lost her daughter.

Feel free to send me an email directly if you want to ask me ANY questions or chat and feel free to forward my email to her as well.

A little about what we faced: My daughter had Wilms tumor and the tumor turned out to be 2 seperate tumors which by the time of discovery and treatment made up 80% of her circumfrance. She had weekly chemo treatments at Cook Children's Hospital in Fort Worth, 10x Radiation Treatments (reduced from 11) and then she also had to undergo major surgery removing her left Kidney, left lobe of her Liver, Gaul Bladder and local Lymph nodes. She lost all her hair but refused to wear a wig and rarely kept the little hankerchiefs I bought for her on her head. It was VERY difficult at that point b/e I finally had to face the fact my daughter had cancer b/e it stared me in the face every day... Until she lost her hair I was just numb and in shock and it took a very long time for me to pull through.

Thankfully God used that whole situation to reach out to me through many different people. My daughter is now 13 1/2 year old typical teenager. She had THICK beautiful hair she keeps cutting shorter than I would have it (I am still am partial to that hair) and her scar in the shape of a rainbow across her belly is super thin that no one really even notices it. Funny thing is her name is Rayne so that is her rainbow! ;o]

Please feel free to email me anytime about any of what I have shared and feel free to ask me any questions. =) I don't mind sharing what I have learned and have experienced. Our experiences vary so greatly from case to case even within the same type of cancer but I am HAPPY to be there in any way I can.

I know that your friend is a very lucky lady to have a friend like you! Your friend, her family and son and you will be in my prayers!

my email: [email protected]____.com

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A.W.

answers from Dallas on

I am so sorry to hear about your friend's child. We also have a friend with a child with cancer - she has leukemia and has been getting chemo since January. They have a pretty big support system here, but I still wanted to help. I made them a couple of nights worth of meals that she could just throw in the oven and cook. I also bought her several frozen meals that were quick and easy. Does this woman have other children? Maybe you could offer to watch them for her. I will keep the little boy in my prayers.

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K.E.

answers from Dallas on

As a working mom, this may be a little harder for you to acomplish, but what about helping her out with her house chores while she is spending so much time at the hospital? If you don't have time, but can afford to do so, maybe hire a housekeeper to come in an clean once (not an on-going thing) for her just so that one burden is gone. She's going to be spending all her time with her son and making lots of hospital trips. Also, cooking meals for her and her family to keep in the freezer for quick baking. Being there for her and being a supportive friend are the best gifts you can give someone. I hope this helps somewhat. Good luck to your friend and to you. God Bless you both.

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J.B.

answers from Dallas on

Hi A., My name is J. Badillo, I have a best friend\co-worker, whoms grandson was diagnois with NeuroBlast Cancer when he was only about 6mths(I believe less than a year for sure) what I did was going alot of our co workers here at my job donate money and several of the close hearted friends, made gift bags but what was inside the huge bags were snacks, drinks, etc, things that we knew that they would need while being there at the hospital. We collected over $1300. for their expenses such as parking, gas and some dinners, just to take some of the worries off.
Today, the baby will be going on 3 yrs old next week,(cancer free) and as of today, I have joined in their honory do the RELAY FOR LIFE, we will remember all of Cancer personal, and honory them. We will stay walking at midnite tonight...I hope this helps you with your friend. And praying does help alot too...

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C.V.

answers from Dallas on

I know that you have had quite a few responces, however, we had a family in our church who's 3 year old son was diagnosed with cancer about 18 months ago and this is what they suggested:

Pray and let your friends know, then pray some more.
Visit them in the hospital when they go in for chemo. Keep coming each and every round, if possible.
Before you visit, call and ask if anyone wants a special food delivered. You are coming up so bring something they can't get at the hospital.
Send notes with encouraging scripture.
Hug them when they cry.
Cry with them.
Don't offer advice or cures or tell them about a friend who had this or that.
Tell about funny things that have happened to you.
Read up on the specific cancer so you will have some idea of what they are dealing with and what will be needed.
Buy pull-ups for the child. They'll need tons of these once they begin chemo.
Feed the family if there is anyone that needs it.
The child will have lots of gifts and toys. If you want to buy for the child, get something he can use up. Coloring books and anything like that help pass the time.
Get some good Christian DVD's for their hospital visits. Veggie Tails and the like. (see what they may already have).
You can build a library of DVD's for the boy to pack with him each time he goes for chemo.
Ask them to tell you what specifically you can do at the moment to help (mow, pick up mail, shop, etc.)
If you are going to the store call and ask what you can pick up for them.
Visit, pray, cry and love them.

I hope these are some helpful suggestions for you and all your mutual friends. If you know someone who is creative and willing to do weekly updates, we had another family who's father was diagnosed with cancer set up a blog site that friends and family could log onto and get updates.

Blessings to you,
C.

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L.S.

answers from Tyler on

My son attends daycare and one of the teacher's daughter now has cancer. The daughter also attends the daycare. So, we all know the teacher and the child. Someone set up a "lemonade stand" fundraiser at their home - near the daycare. Then, we all attended it as we picked our own children up from the daycare. They served lemonade and cookies and people donated money. I'm not sure how much they raised, but I am sure that every little bit helps towards all the bills....

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C.B.

answers from Abilene on

You might offer to fix a meal for them regularly, shop for groceries, drop off bill payments, dust, do laundry, etc.
You could have friends sign cards or pages in a scrapbook they could take with them to the drs visits and hospitals.
If you sew you can do the same thing with a Prayer Quilt. Most of all pray.

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L.A.

answers from Dallas on

Sometimes the best thing you can do is just be there for someone. Words aren't always needed or wanted. Hugging or holding someone while they cry can say much more than words. One thing that can be useful is a blank journal for your friend to write in. Sometimes when someone is in a situation like this, they are doing good just taking care of their little ones emotional needs. It can all be very draining and overwhelming. Having something to write down ones thoughts, prayers, concerns can be very healing. Having something to write down what was said by a doctor or nurse can be very useful for future reference. My prayers are with you, that God will guide you, that your friend will be strengthened during the days to come and that her little boy will be healed.

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L.L.

answers from Abilene on

A.,
I have been in your freinds shoes, when our oldest daughter was 3 she was diagnosed with ALL, Lukemia, and we started treatment and it went into remission. which was good because i was 5 months preg with #2, and then after 15 months it was back, we then had to do a bone marrow transplant and she passed away on her 6th b-day. Our run was not that good. But their were alot of good times in there too.
Don't stop calling her and don't loose touch, even though it is hard. You need to be a support to her. Little things will mean the world to her. Like in the hospital little bottles of bodywash, and lotion and that kind of thing. think little things that she can use. word search books, thank you card, note pads, a little recorder so that they can record the dr. and then re-play it to understand. These are things i most remember and think how great it was for someone to think of.
I am sorry your freind is going threw this, and just because we lost our child doesn't mean she will loose hers. They have come a long way in 11 years. and I wish her the best. My e-mail is [email protected]____.com, if you have more questions or need anything.

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E.H.

answers from Tyler on

Do pray!
But also you can cook a little extra to bring her lunch or aid with supper or dinner once in a while. Help with some of her house keeping. Hold her hand and learn to be a good listener...many times you do not have to have an answer, just listen and try to understand.

Praying for them as well

Esme

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J.O.

answers from Dallas on

My friend's child is an invalid since infancy and is now 20. What I do is try to help her at home. I have a key to the house, I pick up her mail, drop off prescriptions, bring her laundry home to wash and return clean clothes to the hospital. Try to think of everyday things that still need to be done, but can't be done by her. If there is a special type of soda or coffee that she likes, you could bring her a drink and a snack (if allowed at the hospital). A basket of snack foods like fresh fruit and cereal bars, chips,.... the kind of stuff that is the hospital vending machines.... so she won't have to leave her child to get a quick snack. If you have the time, you could sit with her child while she goes to get a meal.
If there are pets at home, someone will need to feed and water them. I'm sure this list is giving you some ideas that you can build upon.

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A.L.

answers from Dallas on

I've never been in this situation, but maybe it would be a great help to her if you volunteered to do some of the menial day to day chores and errands for her that have to get done. She will probably be there at the hospital as much as she possibly can and there will still be things that have to get done around her house and menial errands that you could run for her.

Good luck to you and your friend!

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V.C.

answers from Lubbock on

When my son was in the hospital for several weeks I had two dear friends that would make sure that laundry was done and the house was clean. Even though I wasn't there my husband was and that helped out SO much. Also, when they knew that my husband would be coming to the hospital to visit due to the fact that he was in the hospital 100 miles from home it was only about 1 to 2 times a week. One of my friends would come and insist on staying with our son so that I could get the much needed break and my husband and I could get away together for a meal. It was very hard the first couple of times to leave him but then it was a time that we both looked forward to. Also they would cook a caserole and take to my house and leave instruction as to how it was to be cooked so that my husband was taken care of also. I will be praying for your friend, her son and all of the family.

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P.K.

answers from Dallas on

Help her out with the house, laundry, dishes, meals, errands. This way all of her focus can be on her son. Try to ba a 'contact' person for all of her family, friends, neighbors so she doesn't have to go through the questions with each and every person. AND spread the word for everyone to PRAY.

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M.S.

answers from Dallas on

Hey girl! I'm steppin' out hoping that this is "My A." that I've known from what seems so long ago. This is MICHAELYN by the way. And with a name like that I know I can go on a first name basis. ha ha If this is you, send me an email at [email protected]____.com and we will catch up. I am so glad that you posted this email because I have the exact same concerns and desires and many of the responses have been so helpful. According to HOPE, we will all be together soon. Take care.

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S.

answers from Dallas on

Oh A., I'm so sorry to hear this! I will pray for you all.
I too, have a friend whos 3 year old was diagnosed with a brain tumor! It's so hard to know what to do, or what to say...
I do have a suggestion though. There is a website called www.caringbridge.org where you can go and set up a free caringbridge page for the child/family. It is a way for the family to keep friends and family informed of the day to day progress without having to call everyone. It also has a guest book that anyone can sign and write words of encouragement to the family. That part has meant the most
for my friend, just knowing that people care and getting that constant support... All of us have given the site for little Kyle out to ALL our friends and family, church members etc so now, he has several hundred people praying for him and offering words of encouragement and support.
I think that with the famlies permission, setting up a Caringbridge page would be the perfect gift!

Keeping you in my prayers,

S. Johnson

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M.C.

answers from Dallas on

Hi A.,

Praying for her and WITH her is more powerful than you know. Go up to the hospital, bring her some Starbucks and a bible and just spend time encouraging her, loving on her and reminding her that God is with her throughout the ordeal. Don't worry about what to say; God will give you the words.

I speak from experience. Unfortunately, my 8-yr-old son lost his battle with acute liver failure. However, I will never forget the strength I drew from the friends who cared enough to walk that road with me. Even those who didn't know us but prayed anyway helped. We could actually feel it and it made us calm in the middle of the storm. It helped my husband and me keep our sanity and cling TO God, rather than running away from Him which would have made matters worse.

What is your friend's name and her son's name so we can pray for them too?

[email protected]____.com

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L.H.

answers from Dallas on

Is your friends son's name Hayden????

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C.E.

answers from Dallas on

I had one of my bf's loose her baby girl. I found out by asking her directly what she needed from me. There wasn't a whole lot I could do in a immediate and tangible way, though I know how badly you want to. The best thing I found I could do was continue to directly ask what she needed and be there for her. She said that a lot of family and friends tend to avoid her or avoid talking about what's going on because they too don't know how to help. So for her, me being there, and being open and ready to talk and listen, was what she needed the most from me. And of coarse praying was #1! That is the most powerful support we can give to our friends. Many blessings, and a hope for a comforting journey through this tough situation. I will add them to my prayer list!

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R.B.

answers from Dallas on

Praying is always helpful and very important. If your friend is open to progressive alternative medicine then the next most important thing you could do for her is to share this website with her www.clive.my4life.com My husband is a retired naturopathic doctor who has spent the last 25 years of his life helping people heal their bodies of cancer without the terible side effects of chemo and radiation.If your friend would like more info on this incredible molecule that is saving people's life, email me and I will send you case studies, research and personal stories. What is really great about this molecule is that you can use it alone or with the chemo and radiation and it stops or greatly reduces their negative side effects.
Many Blessings,
R.

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S.S.

answers from Tyler on

Wow A., that is such a tough situation!! Praying is definately the most powerful way to help!! The only other ways of helping that I can think of is offer to help with her house, (cleaning or hire a cleaning service) because she needs to focus on her little boy. Or maybe get a group of people to pitch in and provide a meal every once in a while. (If they are at the hospital all the time, maybe some gift cards to resteraunts close by. Expenses will start to pile up quickly!!
She is blessed to have a friend like you!

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T.F.

answers from Indianapolis on

I have been in the hospital with my son (who is now 18 yrs old) since he was 5 wks old.... NUMEROUS TIMES... there were quite a few things that really helped a lot (gift cards to restaurants, stamps, snacks to keep in room for parents, etc but a couple things that were so helpful were... when they would come to visit, they would call ahead and see what sounded good for them to bring up to eat (like my favorite sandwich from a sandwich shoppe so I didn't have to eat in the cafeteria for that meal.... my favorite when my son was so young and it was our first time in the hospital with him was when someone brought me a couple rolls of quarters... that was so helpful to us and meant so much...

And of course, lots of prayers!

T.

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A.N.

answers from Dallas on

I am sorry to hear about your friend's son. My MIL had breast cancer last year so I was in a similar situation. One thing is to always keep in touch with her. Many of her friends did not and that was very hard on her. I agree with the others who suggested a cleaning service for her house as well as dinners that she can heat up when she is at home. Little notes to her as well as to her son will go a long way in letting them know that you are there for them. Hugs to you and to her.

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D.D.

answers from Dallas on

Dear A. L,

I have already said a prayer for your friend, her son and the rest of her family as well as for YOU! You are a wonderful friend and a great person for caring. First and foremost, you must listen to your friend. If she insists that she needs nothing, don't bother her by continuing to ask. She has enough on her mind. You didn't say whether she has family in the area, what her financial situation is or whether she has other children, but many people in her situation need help with the everyday things like feeding the other children (if there are any), feeding pets (if applicable), watering the plants, etc. If she doesn't already have a plan for these things, you might offer to do them for her--or organize a group of your mutual friends who will all pitch in and help. One word of caution, however--Don't start anything you can't continue, if needed, for a long time. The situation with her son may be a longterm one.

If she persists in saying that they just need prayers, then pray, send cards, flowers, balloons, etc.--whatever you can think to do to encourage her and her son.

Again, you are a kind and generous person for wanting to help. I'm sure she appreciates your friendship and support more than you know.

Deb D

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H.D.

answers from Dallas on

A gift card for local restaurants may be nice for them to have since they are going to get tired of the hospital cafeteria food, I'm sure. If you can't afford that you may offer to bring them a meal or two to take the thought out of what to do for dinner. Just a thought. hd

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G.W.

answers from Dallas on

I did not read through the many responses so I'm sure these have been mentioned. I have a friend whose 4 year old son was diagnosed with leukemia a year ago. Their journey has been incredibly difficult as I'm sure your friends will be. I know of a few things she's mentioned that people have done for them at different times that they've really appreciated. House cleaning (you could arrange for someone to do it occasionally), errands, laundry, meals (in the beginning restaurants close to the hospital might be a good option), later on when the treatment is more routine and they are into a schedule a massage or spa day for mom who will be exhausted physically and mentally. www.Carepages.com is awesome for updating family and friends on the daily journey. My friend updates daily and has a support system through other families shes met through carepages. PRAY, PRAY, PRAY. My friend's family was given a prayer pager (I think by their church). Each time a person prays (especially on treatment days) they can page. The little boy loves knowing so many people are thinking and praying for him. I pray that things are better than anticipated for them. I can't imagine being dealt these cards. They have to be so overwhelmed by this diagnoses.

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E.B.

answers from Amarillo on

I know how you feel and ive been in your friends shoes but with a differant situation with my daughter since two weeks of age that is 5 years old now!
I recommend you if you can get with your friend so that you can support her and help her if needed and set up a carepage or a page on caringbridge. Theres a whole lot of support on those pages and she can update everyone as needed and its easier to do the update on that then to call everyone to not leave anyone out and on the days when its too hard to talk.
Carepages and caringbridge have been an awsome life saver for me and my family during my daughters ordeal!

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