"Friend Seeking Advice"

Updated on April 14, 2008
S.S. asks from Allen, OK
9 answers

I have a very dear friend, who has a blended family. I have been friends with her and her husband for years. Her family feels like my family. She has a child (older) who is ,to me, taking advantage of her and the situation, often. Now when this child is having a stressfull time so is she (understandable) but, this is my concern, she is easily irrational when it comes to this kid and the rest of her family. I mean she is more angry at her husband than the kid that is stressing her out. I don't know what to say to her, and i really could use some advice.

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answers from Oklahoma City on

Hi S., reading through the responses, it really sounds like you have gotten some good ideas. I especially like the one to pray and let God work in their lives.

One thing I thought of are family meetings. My niece and her husband have a blended family with two children who have shared custody, meaning an outside influence. The family meetings have been a God send, blessing if you will, because the kids have the opportunity to express themselves without fear of an attack type rebuttal. Parents are forced to listen. . . Each person in the family has the responsiblity of talking for a specified period of time, while the rest must listen and not interupt. They can rebut, but only when it is their turn. I believe you can find a lot of info about family meetings on the internet.

Best wishes. RC



answers from Birmingham on

your letter isn't real specific but..for what it's worth. My mom married a man with 2 boys-ages 3 & 7--my sister and I were 12 & 16. It was so hard! the older son resented my mom from day one. He yelled, cussed & acted-out almost daily. My step-dad did basically nothing. I'm sure he felt partly responsible for his anger but it caused a lot of resentment towards him from my mom. Gradually it got better(like 2yrs) but the damage was done. My mom disciplined us & my step-dad dealt w/the boys. My mom is the most Godly, loving, giving woman I know but this marriage & step-parenting took it out of her! She lasted 17yrs-much longer than I could've! without knowing the ages & a lil more info-I can't truly relate but I hope the best for your friend! Obviously she can't take out all her anger on the child so the husband gets it-I'd say that's fairly normal. She's got to know that her husband is on her side-in this w/her--the worst thing they can do is let the child see them arguing over how a situation is handled. They've got to do this as a team! Lastly, I'd say the best advice is to plug her into this website-let her write a more in-depth letter & hopefully she'll find a solution. I'll be praying for this family & please let us know of any changes. God Bless! ~L. C.~ *ps I've got an 8yr old that's got a new step-dad & it's a struggle some here as well-so I'm asking for prayers too! =)



answers from Oklahoma City on

I think she needs to learn how to control that kid and not let that kid run her life or the household. She needs to realize that she is the parent and she needs to teach her child about obeying adults and being respectful. I kinda understand what you are talking about when you say that she gets mad at her husband when her child gets her upset, but that's not fair to her husband at all. She may be oushing him away and not even realize it. She needs to let her feelings for child not get in the way of her attitude towards he rhusband becase that is not healthy for a relationship. Sound to me like that kid needs a little more understanding of how you are supposed to respect your elders especially your parents.



answers from Lawton on

Hi! S. S. I have a older son now 19 he has two kids but he does not see them I have seen them ethaer butt I have one boy and two girls all at home.my oler son was stressing me out when he was staying with us butt i had to tell him that he had to leave and go somewhere else to lived it is hard butt sometimes you have to put the foot in she is going to have to do something or she is going to get so sick and not know what she is doing..S.



answers from Tulsa on

Maybe suggest that, if she's stressed out about whoever she admits to having problems with, she talk a professional just so she can have an unbiased, constructive talk with someone. That way, the therapist/counselor can suggest ways to deal with her situation instead of you since that may be hard for all of you. If she's open to doing something like that, she may enjoy getting to vent or explain her emotions without actually having to do it toward a family member. As a friend, you should definately just keep giving her love and support, and give her any advice that you know will be well-taken.



answers from Baton Rouge on

If you don't say something, i'm sure the husband will sooner or later..



answers from Fort Smith on

well i wouldnt say anything. because every advice u gave her she would say to u it is none of your business. or something it would cause problems between u are her.. i would just pray about it and leave it to god. sound like to me. she needs to have counseling. and just be a friend to her. is all u can do. just have the ear that will listen to her. sorry if this dont help. i really dont know what to say about this. because everything u do for them. it will cause problems with u and them. 50/50 percent of the time. i will be praying for them and u. that god will send u the words to say to her. that will help her. and she will see what u are saying... F..



answers from Tulsa on

I have four grown siblings and daily experience something similar to what you are feeling. . . namely loving my family's families, and hurting when they make bad choices. I am slowly learning, though, that I cannot change those that I love--through advice, example, or anything else. If you truly feel that your friend will listen to you, then be completely honest with her. But if you worry that your honesty might damage your friendship with her--then it probably will, and you have to decide what is most important to you: airing your worries to your friend, or just loving her inspite of her poor choices. One of the hardest things about loving other humans is being patient with them when they do things we disapprove of. It's so hard to see them hurt themselves in ways we think could be avoided! But--I think the most significant goal I have in my friendships is to love the other person no matter what. So, fixing them, making them happy, etc., all those goals are not good goals. I have to respect my brothers and sisters (and their spouses and children) as human beings and allow them to do "stupid" things, and not drive them away from our relationship by telling them what I think they should do. I have come to realize that the best thing I can do, when I get frustrated watching my family/friends do unwise things, is to make sure my own life is in order--when my own life and heart are at peace and in order, I can love them more.
And really when it comes down to it, who am I to judge them? I hope this helps!



answers from Montgomery on

Well I am very close with this one.. I recently got married and I have a step son that lives with us.. He was OUT OF CONTROL!! coming into the picture.. Which was very hard for me 2 deal with. My twin girls are so HYPER! but they have never been out of control. I have always just set certain rules and they pretty much followed them.... That is the back ground..
1. She could resent her husband for not standing up for her to the child and him dealing with his own issues ( Which then cause her to be stressed and lose her temper with everyone because she feels like she is on her own and has no help with the matter)
There are so many reasons or different factors in this... I do not know all the logistics of it. But just listen it sounds like she needs a really good friend. You seem to be that person for her. DO NOT JUDGE her! Unless you have been there. This is so hard to deal with. ,,,, If you would like to send me some situations ... then I will answer them for you.

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