Friend Not Being Nice-- Do I Do Something About It?

Let her work it out herself. Just tell her if someone is being mean, go find someone else to play with. If she does not, then she will just have to deal with it herself. Do not interfere. This is a good lesson for all.

Only if the M. is on the same page as you. I like that you are on top of it but you will find out most moms don't do anything to stop it. I personally think if all or most moms refused to tolerate it, school would be much nicer.

I wouldn't permit my daughter to play with this girl anymore. Just break it off. The thing is if she is this bad NOW can you even imagine just a few years down the line. I can tell you from my personal experience that this little girl is way outside the norm for this age. This behavior usually doesn't manifest for a couple of years. Nip this one in the bud. Just tell your daughter that her friend does not know how to play nice so she isn't allowed to play with her. Suggest suitable replacements and work to get them better acquainted. Tell the mom the truth if she asks.
Make sure they are in max seperation this year in preschool and request not to be in her class next year. If there is a chance of them being in real school class together someday intervene beforehand to request separation.

In my family we have a rule of all or nothing. Either everyone can play or no one can play. We don't leave people out. That can be hard because my oldest is 16 and the youngest is 3. We all work to include the 3 year old as much as possible. When my children are teated unfairly I explain to them that they are treat the mean kid with respect and kindness regardless of how mean that person is. If it is unbearable they are to walk away but still be nice to the mean kid. In my faith it is important that we always act with charity. I tell my kids that they are accountable for their own actions and not the actions of those around them. In the end you are judged on how you handled yourself.

I feel your pain. When kids were mean to my daughter and now my GD, it hurt me too.

What I try to teach is empathy. We have a little girl across the street that can be mean and hurtful like that, always trying to exclude one child or another and telling them that she's not their friend anymore.

What I have taught my GD is that this girl does this because for whatever reason she does not feel good about herself and it helps her to feel better about herself when she's putting someone else down. So, instead of getting angry or being hurt, we can feel sorry for her. And when she is being like this, it's best just to go away and find someone else to play with or something else to do because this will pass and by tomorrow, everything will be fine. And sure enough, it is.

Teach empathy. Don't just teach her to walk away and not care. Teach her to care and empathize. It will get her through a lot of hurtful moments.

Hillary, yes, you intervene. This little girl is a future queen-bee wanna-be. She is practicing on your daughter. No more playdates. No more events together. It's not your daughter's job to navigate this. Find a different playmate for her. If the mother calls to set up a playdate, punt and just don't make the playdate. After a while, if she asks why and pushes the point, tell her that her daughter has started being unkind to your daughter and though you realize it is probably a phase, you don't want to subject your daughter to it. Perhaps when her daughter is older, she will have grown out of it. That's a kind way, but to the point, of explaining it to the mom.

If you continue to allow this, it will hurt your daughter's self-esteem and possibly teach her to start treating other kids the way this girl is treating her.

Stay strong here, Hilary.

Dawn

Yeah this is really hard. I worry about this too and I have experienced similar things with two of my daughter's friends in particular. I think ultimately you just have to roll with it. I think your response to the situation sounded really good and probably would be something I would say. I try and teach my daughter some statements to say when people say things hurtful, like don't talk to me like that, or that's not okay, or that hurts my feelings, etc. These wouldn't have necessarily fit into this scenario, so I think if you just tell her speak up and ask questions, that's all you can do.

I'm dreading K for this reason!

I have told my DD that if someone is mean or doesn't want to play, find another friend to play with. I try to give my daughter the self-esteem to move on vs begging the other child to notice her. Some days she complains about one or two little girls and some days she does not. My SD was also one of those kids and once got into a fight with her BFF and then ignored her rudely at a school event. We told SD that she didn't have to be friends with xBFF anymore but that we would not tolerate deliberate rudeness (something she learned from her mother, so it was a tough behavior to break, since it was reinforced part time) toward another student. Hopefully that other mom will work on her kid's behavior and you can steer your child toward other friends. I think your DD will give up eventually if the "friend" keeps this up. I think you said the right things and you can only control your kid.

I mostly let my five year old sort this out by herself. This type of social play is very common at that age and even in our preschool they strongly encourage the kids to sort it out between themselves (with a little guidance). The entire 4 year old year was like this for my DD: this person didn't want to play with me... that person was mean... and of course it turns out that my DD was at other times the one who excluded others. This is how kids learn group dynamics.

I actually think that sometimes getting involved as a parent stunts our children's social learning and makes them an easy target for bullying because they have never learned how to deal with adversity.
It's not easy for me to let go of that control and hard to pick up my DD disappointed and sad because she got in a tiff with her friends.... BUT after a year of this it all evened out and when I observe her with her friends now she is more assertive, more able to make compromises and generally a lot more socially adept.
I would keep an eye on it, talk with your DD about how she can react in these situations and let her deal with it.
Good luck.

it's time to spend less time with this other girl and branch out to play with other friends.
It could be this friendship has run it's course and is over.
If you want to continue your friendship with the mother, meet her for coffee or lunch without the kids.

It's so hard not to get involved, isn't it? I agree with those who have said that your daughter needs to move to another friend. You can handle it by saying "Susie is mean" or maybe "Susie doesn't seem to be in a good mood today. Why not play with someone else for today?"

On the plus side, the other mom has seen this situation and is taking some steps to correct her own child. That's as it should be. DO NOT approach this mother and tell her she needs to do more - that's a sure way to build resentment towards YOU and make the mom question how you would act if her child were in your home without the mom supervising.

Your daughter can move on for the moment, which will either mean that she finds new friends or that the other girl gets a little jealous and decides to re-think her attitude. Win-win.

I wouldn't get into "real friends" at 4.5 years old - kids are just learning who they are, and their likes/dislikes are still very fluid. It's actually even worse when we try so hard to get kids to be friends and stick together, and then they really grow apart and/or are actually not good for each other. I would say to your daughter "You don't have to be friends for now, but maybe she'll want to be friends later on. Go find someone else who feels like playing."

If the other girl notices that your daughter isn't there anymore, she may decide she wants to be friends. If the other mom says anything, you can say that it doesn't seem that the kids are getting along all that well, and so maybe a little break is in order. I wouldn't say "Your daughter is mean" because that is SO hard to un-do.

I think your advice in your last paragraph was good. Let your daughter handle it, but do tell her when kids aren't being nice, she should SAY SO and not play with them for a while. Teach her to stick up for herself, and/or ignore the girl when she's mean etc. Don't intervene, but do let your daughter know it's wrong behavior on the friend's part. My daughter understood that at four and has great boundaries at six. She'll tell bratty kids in no uncertain terms when they're mean and then run along and play elsewhere. This girl's mom should be very firm about this BRATTY behavior, but you can't make her be. Just keep tabs and keep up the good work!

When my daughter was little a good friend of hers came over our house to play. They were doing fine then the little girl pops out with if i cant do this i wont be your friend anymore and I'll go home. So I went straight to the little girl and said then you need to go home then we do not blackmail in this house. Walked her straight home to her mom. My daughter was all upset crying my friend no etc. But I made her go to her room and clean up the mess they made. 3 days later the girl came back over llike nothing happened. It opened my daughters eyes.But I'd still start to enroll her in other activities and make other play dates because you really do not want this kid to be the end all on how relationships are

I don't think you should be doing anything to this little girl who doesn't want to play with your daughter. Not every kid is going to want to play with your daughter. She needs to learn this now.

Next time your daughter wants to play with her, and she's saying no, she doesn't want to play with your daughter, find something else for your daughter to do.

In a sense, they do NOT realize they're being twerpy. At that age, they may like others, but they're mostly wrapped up in themselves and they're not good at kindness unless it's easy.

Friendships also change by the day - sometimes by the hour. Children test their strengths by trying out bossiness and rudeness on other children. Sadly, you'll see more of it as your daughter grows older.

I hope you won't say anything that's actually against the other little girl. (They might be friends again next month.) But you could say, "It's too bad, isn't it, that M. is acting that way? Maybe she's been having some bad days at home, or maybe she's playing a bossy game. It's a good thing you have other kids to play with. Take a break from her, let her alone; maybe one day she'll be nice again. While you're waiting for that, you can still have fun." Don't talk with M.'s mother. M.'s mother doesn't seem to be too interested.

My daughter had a very close friend from 1- very recently (4). The other girl was 9 months older, and they always played very nicely together. The last few times we saw them the older girl wasn't so nice. In fact, she said "M drives me crazy!?" And she wasn't friendly when my daughter said hello.

We haven't seen them since. The girl obviously decided she didn't want to be friends with my daughter anymore, and I see no point in getting them together. My daughter has other friends that greet her with a big hug.

My daughter can learn about group dynamics from her group activities. She doesn't need what once was a close friend to be mean to her. I don't remain friends with people who become mean, so I see no point in exposing my daughter to a mean friend either. You are right, a real friend won't treat you that way.

This child is not your daughter's friend. Stop forcing it. We aren't friends with everyone we meet. Sounds like a good time to teach your daughter the important lesson of setting boundaries and staying away from people who treat us poorly.

No, at 4.5 they dont even realize the difference between "You cant be my friend" and "I'm playing with someone else right now and dont want to disrupt it" they dont know the difference between "I dont want to play what you want or how you want right now" and "I dont like you"
Many children feel these statements are interchangeable.
I would NOT tell my daughter to stay away entirely or stop being so and so's friend, just to move on if she's not being nice right then. As long as this doesn't get worse, your daughter CAN handle it, especially if you want her to be a strong individual! Tell your daughter "So and so probably means. she doesnt want to stop playing with Sally and play with you right now, why dont you try playing with Lily she looks lonely" "So and so is frustrated you wouldnt do what she told you to do but you were right, you can say no, it will help so and so learn not to be bossy and she'll be nicer soon. " Great learning experience for your daughter!
It sounds like the mom is on top of it and this little girl may turn out great in a few years!!