I have a friend that during her pregnancy makes snide comments and is otherwise very unsupportive of me. I usually am one to just ignore or not remember comments, but some cut pretty deep and I'm frustrated and hurt lately. The sad thing is that I'd probably call her one of my closest friends and lately I just feel like everything is one-sided. I call her and ask if she needs help or wants to get together and I feel it's rarely reciprocated. Lately I also feel like she's on the defensive because I am a part-time working mom so we have some extra cash for extra things and I feel lik she's made comments about that.
Our son's are the same age and although they are very different my son knows and loves them both.
I'm not sure how to handle it... should I just back off and let her made the next call to get together? Is it related to the pregnancy? I just keep thinking it will actually get worse when the baby is born. I guess my biggest hurt is this is someone I thought was a close friend (hard to come by you know?) and now I just feel attached and unsupported lately.
Thanks for the advice. It helped to figure out a bit what may be going on. My friend wasn't like this before her pregnancy. However, everything since the pregnancy has been about her it seems.. she calls or comes over or emails and it's all about her needs and her concerns. I guess I've been fine with that up to this point, but then when the comments started coming and I'm realizing I'm the one now trying to make plans to get together, I do think it's time to back off. I'm going to let things go for a week or so and see what happens. I would talk to her about it, but I did discuss one issue with her and it didn't go well and I ended up feeling more hurt and frustrated.
I'm sorry. I have a similar friend. I finally backed off and stopped making all the attempts at friendship. She eventually started calling and making plans for us. It may just be hormonal for her (mood swings). But.....you do not have to put up with it. You've been a great friend, now let her make the first move. Good luck! :)
Some friendships just need a little break- and it sounds like it that is what you and your friend need. I have gone through little breaks with some of my close girlfriends- and in time we have reconnected and our friendship got stronger. Maybe just give it a little bit of a breather- and see what comes later.
Good luck.
I agree. Life is too short to be drained by a friend. A good friendship should never be one sided. That is why I tell people I only have a few "good" friends because they are hard to come by...........good luck
If it feels too one-sided, back off. Your son will survive and make other friends. No one's joined at the hip, so give it a breather and then see what she has to say and explain it to her without being offensive but clear. "I just thought maybe I was being a nuisance and should back off some and gain some balance." That simple.
C. - I think something maybe going on with your friend - she sounds super stressed which would account for her pushing you away. Maybe she wasn't planning on getting pregnant just yet (you both have 19 month olds) and is just very overwhelmed and possibly depressed. I would suggest you keep on being there for her especially as you, as her friend, are more likely than her husband to notice if she is depressed. She may need extra help when the baby is born - do you know if she has family nearby or any other friends you can rally for support? I think you need to sit down and talk to her, maybe the next time she is rude or snide, you can tell her that it's not like her to speak to you that way, it hurts your feelings and you would like to know what's going on in her head and her heart.
Of course, if she has always been mean to you, you should cut and run.
Good Luck
I agree with everyone else, you shouldn't have to be treated that way by anyone, but why don't you tell her how you feel? You did a pretty good job of saying how you feel in a clear and non-hostile manner in your request. You could just tweak it a little and say it to her in person or write her a letter (I would do snail mail, not email in a situation like this). If she wants to end the friendship, then you'll know for sure. BUT, maybe there is something stressful going on in her personal life that is causing her to act this way. You said you were close friends. Unfortunately, we are often the cruelest to the ones we love the most, maybe because we know they will forgive us. Or, maybe there was some misunderstanding you aren't even aware of. If you were as close of friends as you seem to be, it seems worth the effort.
Hi! I would say to go ahead and back off for the time being and let her take her 'turn' to call you. If she finally calls you and says something funny like "why haven't you called me?" You can respond by saying, "Oh, I have been distracted/busy lately...I was just realizing the other day that I hadn't heard from you in awhile, either! maybe we're both just getting old- ha ha!" Or something light like that to keep it friendly. It stinks when someone else's actions stress you out. If she has always been this way, I wouldn't count on it getting any better. It is smart to distance yourself from those who hurt you. Don't know if you would feel comfortable to bring the subject up to her, and if so, she may very well get defensive. Is the friendship worth saving to you? If so, and if she's a true friend, she will listen to you. I know it stinks if the friendship doesn't last and your son is confused as to why he doesn't see them anymore, but seriously, with him being so young, he will likely not even remember. Throughout life, we meet new friends, and our kids definitely do! So be comforted knowing that there are others out there who do care about you and do not have the same personality as this other 'friend.' Weather she realizes it or not, she needs to knock it off with the her bad habit- and you do not need to be on the receiving end of it. Good luck, and stay positive! :o)
Hi C.,
You sound like a sweet caring person, that is concerned about others. Your 'friend' does not. Some friendships were not meant to be forever, especially ones that hurt . It doesn't sound like you are in the wrong here, I hope you consider letting this friendship go. If she is jealous of you that isn't going to change after the baby. It makes me a little uncomfortable that you are in a friendship that you have to dodge bullets. What are you getting out of this relationship? Could pregnancy bring this on...well, we all know what hormones can do to us! But if she was mean before the pregnancy, I suspect that is how she is. No friends are better than mean ones. If you can get active in mom/tot groups, you will meet new freinds for you and your son. Music classes for tots/moms are great, have you ever considered teaching one?
Hi C.,
I feel for you, especially because she is pregnant. Of course you dont want to upset her but you dont need to be sad either. If you think she is not acting herself, then maybe it is due to the hormonal changes she is going through. I think you should take a few days to yourself and get a spa treatment to destress. dont call her for a few days and if you dont hear from her than just make a quick call to check in and see how she is doing. If she is cold and rude then just say to her... look you sound like you are not in the mood to talk so i will let you go.. if you need me then you call. hope that helps
Hi C.!
It is so sad as we get older to have to let friendships go, but it must be done... I had a dear friend tell me once "if someone or something drains you of your energy, then you need to let that person or thing go out of your life". And I have lived by that for many years. At times the letting go is very hard, but in the end it is so much better for your peace of mind.
Good Luck!
J. in Macomb
My advice would be to back away from the relationship. If you create a vacuum either she'll enjoy the space, or come your direction. Her behavior - if uncharacteristic of her normal behavior - is possibly due to being pregnant, but certainly not an excuse. Create some distance and if she comes your way you can have a chat about how her comments have been hurtful and you need a little space. If she's truly the close friend you believe that she is, she will want to keep up the relationship. But if she's becoming jealous and bitter towards you it will destroy what friendship you have left, so it would be best to back away from that as well.
Best wishes, I know this is hard and hurtful. Lets pray that its hormones and she'll feel the need to restore a close friendship with you.
Hi C.,
Is this the only time that your friends has behaved this way? Since she has become pregnant? If it is then maybe it is just hormones and it will pass. How long have you two been friends?
Maybe you are on to something when you talk about maybe a little jealousy. Maybe she is feeling because you work and also have a family to take care of as well as other daily things that must be done, she see's your life as happy, complete I don't know. Even though she is pregnant maybe she isn't feeling as fulfilled as she would like. Sometimes when there are things going on in a friends life they will take their hurt or anger out on someone close to them.
Maybe you could try to sit down with her and tell her how you are feeling without making it sound like an attack on her, maybe she will open up but if not then maybe what another respondant said is closer to the truth, sometimes people just out grow the friendship and is wasn't meant to last.
Either way I would talk to her because unless you mention it then you will never truely know and if your like me (and it sounds like you are) this will weigh heavy on your mind until you get it out. Are you two neighbors? That is even more reason to try and at least talk just because you live next to eachother.
It is very hard to find a good friend, I know I go through that alot. Good luck and let us know how it went.
L.
My stepdaughter was very difficult to be around during her first pregnancy for much the same reasons. After the baby was born, she went back to normal, thankfully, but during her pregnancy, it got to the point where some people were avoiding her. Just try to be patient, and ignore some of her comments, hard but helpful at this time to maintain the friendship. She knows now how she was and is remorseful, but also realizes it had to do with the pregnancy. Normally she is a very sweet and giving person, pregnancy just seemed to make her forget how hurtful she sounded at times for some odd reason. If it continues after the baby comes, it may be time to reconsider the friendship.
Dear C.,
I just went through a very painful split with my best friend of 31 years. I had a lot of the same feelings you are having now prior to this happening. I felt very hurt by the way she was acting and things she would say and often felt like our friendship was "uneven". I would have done anything for her, but I can honestly tell you that I am relieved in so many ways that this has happened because I don't feel like I have that negitive influence in my life anymore. Do I miss having a best friend? Yes, but I believe we hang on to people in our lives sometimes that are actually "poison" to us and are afraid to let them go and search out other people who may be more like us. If you really, really, believe that you and this friend should remain friends then I think you should let her know how you feel, then step back and let her make the next move.
Hope this helps,
C.
