Friend Approached Me with Touchy Subject

My hubby calls such behavior "concern trolling." People do it because they have issues. It doesn't come from a good place. I have a good friend that is always approaching me with her "concerns."

I'm rethinking my friendship because "concern trolling" is a form of bullying.

sorry, but she's not a friend. A true friend would have addressed this in person....not thru cyber-friendship. :)

If she really is a good friend and someone you care about, my response would be something like this:
"Dear ____,
I know that this email came from a place of love, so I'm trying really hard not to be offended. I appreciate your concern about my eating, my health and my appearance and am working on all of these issues. This is a sensitive subject, maybe even more so with me than it is with all women. I am just not comfortable discussing this with you or  any other friends and would like to ask that this is the last time we discuss these topics. I would also appreciate it if, as my friend, you would discourage others from discussing me in terms of these topics. Thank you for being my friend and understanding.
Love, _______"

E.S.

hhhhmmm...weight is a touchy subject for many women.

You can call her and say "Jane. Thank you for your concern about my health. My weight is a touchy subject for me. While I appreciate your concern. I am working through this."

Either way - over or under weight - she cared enough to open a dialogue with you instead of letting it go. No matter what your weight or eating habits - if you are anorexic or bulimic, you already know you need help and you can get it when you are ready.

Sometimes, it's hearing those words that is the "push" one needs to make it right.

You say she's a good friend, so I assume you want to keep her as a friend. I would email her back and say something like "Thanks for emailing! This is a really touchy subject with me, that's why we haven't talked about it. Please don't talk to your friends about it. I know it's an issue and I'm dealing with it. Talk to you soon!"

If you're over this friendship then just tell her to back off.

I would just thank her for her concern but you do not wish to talk about it and would prefer people not discuss it behind your back.

Unless you want to burn bridges and then you could go with get over yourself, you really have nothing better to do than sit around talking to everyone about how perfect you are and all my flaws!!!

Or something in between.

I am thin. (For the record, I am not scary thin. I am just thin. A totally normal thin.) I HAD to a friend who was not. I never thought about her weight, I didn't care, I liked her, and it didn't concern me!! Well, MY weight concerned her. The same sort of situation happened to me. I received a letter, about her concerns. My friends also heard her concerns about me. I did talk with her. Non confrontational. I said I am absolutely fine and healthy, and it's not OK to talk about this with other people. It turns out she just hated I was thin and we're not friends anymore :(

I would have never known, had I not talked about it with her. I'll quote Jo, because it's very similar to what I said..."I would just thank her for her concern but you do not wish to talk about it and would prefer people not discuss it behind your back." She may accept that and apologize, or she may just have issues and you can decide whether they are worth it or not. My former friend's issues were not worth it to me. I couldn't change my weight, and she couldn't change her resentment for it. So, we parted ways. I'm going to assume your friend doesn't resent you, and she just need to very nicely be told to stop.

I have had issues with my eating habits in the past. What bothered me was that the people with whom I was closest to, considered my best friends, kept telling me how great I looked, asked me what I was doing to lose so much weight so fast, didn't seem concerned with the amount of weight I lost. Only two of my friends expressed concern. It broke my heart to know that those I thought were my best friends, didn't seem to see my struggles.

I think you need to be honest with her. Tell her exactly what you told us. That you appreciate your concern, but that you are not comfortable discussing things with her (especially over email!). If you are in therapy, I would also discuss with your therapist the comment she shared with you that her friends said. That can be a lethal comment to someone with any type of eating disorder. Maybe your therapist might have some good information/handout for your friend on how to "be a good friend to someone with an eating disorder". Or, google (how to support someone with ED) and send her the link.

If she is a good friend, she will back off and let you come to her. If she isn't, then it might be best to cut your losses because it seems she isn't a healthy person to have around during your recovery anyway!

Good luck.

You said this is "a good friend."
That her e-mail to you was about... your "eating issues", and then also, her friend told her about your "weight..."

Basically, THEY are critiquing not only your weight, but your eating and your appearance. And THEY have issues with it. And talked about it. Because then, your friend had to e-mail you about it.
But your friend, did not say... how she replied or retorted back, to her friends that made comments about you.
ie: if that were my friend, I KNOW, that my friend would have had my back. To that woman. They would have, displayed their friend/loyalty to me. And as such, my friends would have given that lady a hearty retort. Sort of like "well, that is her business, and its personal, you don't even know her or her life so you can't make a fair comment."

Since she is your "good friend" just tell her... it is none of their business, but also, I think your friend was just telling you what she heard.... since the others were talking about you. So she was "reporting" back to you, as a friend. But then, your friend, also... got on their bandwagon, and had to then get into it with them and then tell you.
So then, it feels like they were all gossiping about your personal life.
Which they were. ie: your weight and eating issues and appearance.
Icky, right? Awkward, for you.

At no time, does it appear... that your friend was backing you up. But it also seems, that your friend used this e-mail to tell you indirectly... about her or their "concern" for you... about your weight/appearance/eating issues. Maybe.... your friend didn't know how else to broach this subject with you... and thus used this situation as a spring-board, to then, tell you????

The point is: you don't know your "good friend's" intention.... unless you ask her directly and talk to her directly.
And since she is a good friend, I would think that you can be candid with her.
If not, then maybe she is not a good friend.

somebody cares enough about you to break through the "niceties" and risk your wrath.

That's a pretty darn good friend!

I'd tell her how much you love your friendship and how thankful you are to have her in your life.

Hmmm. I do not think your friend handled that very well. Sounds like she may have some boundary issues to work on. Since you are not comfortable discussing these issue with her then just be honest.

Email her right back how you feel. You love her but aren't comfortable discussing this.

I'd have to agree with Jo W. It's that "she told her friends" that would burn the most. Are you sure she's a "good friend"?? That's some pretty personal information to distribute....

Weight is indeed a touchy subject for most women.
Since you say she is a good friend I will assume her email represents her genuine concern. While addressing it though email may not be the best choice, maybe she found it easier to do it writing rather than in person (?) I don't know.
I have approached my best friend about her weight in the past, and I can assure you it was done out of genuine concern for her health and well being. She found it difficult to hear, for sure, but she understood where I was coming from and truly appreciated my concern.
Maybe your friend felt by letting you know that others feel your weight makes you look older she thought she was motivating you to see it for yourself. Again, maybe not the best choice on her part, but if you think she was doing it out of love then simply thank her and let her know it's not something you're comfortable discussing at this point. Hopefully she listens and lets it go, knowing that she did her best and the rest is up to you.

maybe she is not good with words. i would assume she really cared if she isnt normally critical and J. didnt communicate right. if you would expect this of her then i think maybe shes J. a crappy friend.

It's possible she thought the concern wouldnt be enough to make you not have an eating disorder and the insult about your age would get you to eat a little more and not worry about gaining?
maybe she J. doesnt understand at all and was trying to be helpful in a ditzy bad way

I think maybe she did this out of pure concern, love, friendship for you! You have every right to tell her you're not comfortable, but maybe you should try to talk to her about it. But that is for your to decide. Good luck. I still think she is concerned about you and didn't mean it to be mean or hurtful.

Most likely she spent some time choosing her words, rewriting that email. Until she felt it was the right way to say things.

Any person who has eating issues, whether it be over eating or not eating enough, already knows it and does not need to be told. Personally, I would be pretty upset given the approach she took and would tell her (Ina nice way).

I think her heart is probably in the right place, but she doesn't know how to say something without sounding strange.

Ignore the email and pretend that you didn't read it. If she brings it up, just say what you said here, that you aren't comfortable discussing it with her. After all, it appears that she is discussing you with your friends and that's quite enough. Then clear your throat and change subjects.

She'll "get" that she overstepped.

Sorry about the "old" thing. Sigh...

Dawn

Ouch!!! She sure didn't handle that well at all! You have gotten great advice, particularly the sample e-mail that Missy F. wrote out. That's a great way to be kind, let her know your feelings and set a boundary about it.

So sorry you are going through this!

Our youngest child came when I was 42. I didn't think much of it until while shopping for maternity clothes the sales person asked if I was buying them for my daughter. I was 3/4 the way through the pregnancy so I guess I just looked fat and old. Then there was the evening after she was born when my husband and I went out to eat. We took her with us because I was nursing and the waiter commented on how nice it was that the baby could spend the evening with her grandparents. I had a few tips I could have offered for this fella. In the end I just let it go. Really I don't mind looking older. I love my life and I love my family. I wouldn't trade my life for the world. My goal in life isn't to be eye candy. My goal is to be the best Mom and Wife I can be. So I look a bit rough around the edges. I am happy and hopefully those that know me will know that I am more than my age. Everyone is aging that's life. I wouldn't want to look like I did in high school. That big hair is just to much and it took to long to fix. I don't have time for all that primping. I'm to busy with life. I guess what I am trying to say is it happens to everyone at some point or another. If it hadn't happened to me then I wouldn't have a good story to tell you so maybe it wasn't all bad.

I do think she meant well-she just took it a bit far. Why don't you ask her if she wants to prepare all your meals for a month and deliver them to your house? Then you'll have a better idea of how and what you should be eating-that's fair, right?

maybe she has your best interest at heart? if i did something that was not good for me (overeating or not eating enough) i would appreciate if someone close pointed that out to me. just playing devil's advocate here.
last week i texted a friend of mine in another state that i finally remembered the name of the product that back in the ole country women drink that makes you not feeling like eating a big meal afterwards when trying to lose weight. it's kefir. i was so excited when i finally found the product in the states (of course it existed before but i didn't know the word for it in english). anyways she was not offended but asked me questions about it. i didn't text out of the blue to offend but just because i know she is trying hard to lose weight. i would hate to think i would offend anyone when just trying to help.

You've got a lot of great advice. I noticed you said "eating issues." This can go either way. You could be over weight or under weight. "Eating issues" are very personal. There are 3 you should never make negative comments about to a woman and it doesn't matter if a man says it or a female friend says it. 1. Never mention or hint a woman's weight. It's ok to talk about your own weight, but not someone else's. 2. Never tell a woman she looks old. and 3. Never tell a woman you like her hair better now than the way she wore it.

Personally I would tactfully ignore the email. If she asks did you get it, just say, "yeah" and shrug it off. Another words, consider the source. Arguing over something like this might end the friendship, and I don't know how close you are to this friend or if you really want to do that. It's just not a battle worth fighting. She said her friends thought that, not herself personally. People do age differently. My mom was 200 lbs. and people thought she was 10 years younger than she really was. I'm thin and people think I look 10 years younger than what I really am. My family's noted for looking young,so it can be in the genes. My eldest sister looked older than the rest of us, because she worked outside and was exposed to the elements so environment plays a factor too. I have a coworker who lost weight. When she first started loosing weight, she looked absolutely beautiful. Then she lost too much weight and started looking old. Sometimes when you loose too much weight you start loosing hair and your skin doesn't always go back the way it used to. People with eating disorders often look older, because their bodies aren't getting enough nutrition so their skin and hair are duller than should be.

What ever your "eating issue" is of whether you really have an "eating issue" or not, remember the only person you have to please is you. Don't be too h*** o* yourself either. Just remember the song, "You are Beautiful" and concentrate on eating healthy and exercising.