First Mothers Day

Hi K.,

Congrats on your very first Mother's Day! I remember feeling so special on my first Mother's Day 11 years ago!

If you want the day to be about you and your new family, you should set the precedent now. Tell your mom and mil that since you can't be with both of them since it would make the day too chaotic, you'll spend time with each of them on a different weekend. Then go and enjoy your special day doing what you'd like to do.

As for us, my husband cooks a huge brunch every year for me and my mom. We kick back and enjoy mimosas. He even cleans up! I love it!

plan to visit both of your mothers *soon* and let them spoil the new grandbaby, but start now creating your own little families very own traditions. you should certainly spend your very first mother's day with your husband and baby, and cherish every moment.
:) khairete
S.

I try to keep in mind the spirit of the day and not so much the calendar date. Mother's Day can be celebrated on Saturday or Monday or the following weekend. What's important, to us, is that we and the kids honor both of our mothers in some way and that I get a special treat as well.

When you think about it, you'll have to decide how to handle every holiday - Father's Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, New Years Eve. We look at each holiday as an opportunity to celebrate with family and as a family. For us, that becomes easier and much more pleasant if we let go of the idea that everything has to happen on a certain day.

Mother's Weekend, perhaps?

We all really put too much pressure on ourselves for Mother's Day, which is just a made-up holiday anyway. It sure causes a lot of unmet expectations and hurt feelings. I'm actually not a fan of it.

This is the first of many many Mother's Days for you, and I would just encourage you to not take it so seriously and just enjoy the day for what it is. Just a day to spend time with your kids and your family, and be thankful. Don't expect gifts, don't expect to be catered to, don't expect everybody to do exactly what you want. Because really, it's just another day and if you put that kind of pressure on your husband and kids then they won't enjoy it either.

If my mom were still alive I would love to spend the day with her. I wouldn't want her to be alone. But there were days when she was still with us when I couldn't be with her because we lived hours apart. But I always called her and told her how much I loved her. My mom was fine with that because she didn't have any unrealistic expectations either. If I saw her the weekend before or the weekend after and we did something fun, that was good enough for her.

My kids used to stress out about Mother's Day because they felt they had to get me something and make it a perfect day. They didn't realize that my day would be perfect anyway, because they are my kids and I am a very blessed mom. We don't do gifts, we do something fun together, like shop or go out to eat. We avoid the ghastly, overpriced crowded brunches and just enjoy each other's company. Last year we went to the zoo. This year we are ordering out for dinner and planting some flowers.

Whatever you decide to do, just enjoy your child and enjoy being a mom. Not everybody gets to be one. It's a blessing.

I understand your conflict. Please know that this feeling is going to come up for other occasions as well. You are not going to feel like shlepping a baby to every holiday dinner and birthday party that you went to in previous years! So it's time to start thinking of ways to be accommodated yourself, not just accommodate the moms. Your husband still wants to take care of his mom, and you want to take care of yours - but you haven't really begun to see yourself as a mom deserving of celebration.

So, you can try to take my philosophy of birthdays - I turn my birthday into a weeklong event or even month-long! Do the same for your two mothers - give them each a special day with their grandchild, and don't do either one on Mother's Day itself. Make that YOUR day. Remember that Mother's Day is a nice ideal but it's basically a huge commercial deal that brings millions of dollars into the card, candy, gift and restaurant industries. You want to buck that trend by going to a park - so I say, DO IT!

Give his mom and your mom a home-made "gift certificate" for a special day with you and your husband and the grand baby. Make it cute and funny, with wording like a coupon that says how it's to be redeemed, what it's good for, etc. You can make it from the baby and trace her handprint on the card instead of a signature. The grandmothers will think this is super-cute.

Don't put guilt on yourself, and don't let others guilt-trip you. No one can make you feel guilty without your permission and cooperation! Remember that these grandmothers were new moms once themselves. Invite them to understand the joy and the exhaustion you feel, and at some point you can ask them when they stopped running around to their own parents and in-laws and started having holidays at their own homes. My guess is, they can be reminded of what craziness came on them when they were new moms. Even if they are a little bit disappointed, they should come around. Remember that giving them this new grandchild is a great gift to them - way better than necessarily showing up on a given day with a tired and cranky baby.

Invite both of your moms to join you for Sunday Mother's Day brunch somewhere. That way, all 3 of you can be honored, and you still have the rest of the day to be alone with your husband and baby.

When you are in this situation you go on Saturday to see the other mom's if that's okay with them. If it hurts their feelings too much you'll need to suck it up and go visit each one for about an hour then go spend the rest of the day doing what you want.

You don't have to wait until Mother's Day to go do your thing. You could spend all day today doing just what the 3 of you want. Then go do stuff with both your mom's tomorrow. Think about how you'd feel if you were them. When your little girl is older and in a relationship with a baby, what would you want them to do?

We either celebrated with our moms on Saturday, so I could have my whole day with just our child and my husband.. Or we w old have breakfast with one, lunch with the other.. Or we would
Celebrate earlier in the week with each mom..

Once our daughter was older..we would see my mom that week and my husband and daughter would go and see his mom on Sunday afternoon, so could flop out on my own.. After they had made me or taken me to breakfast.. Then that night they prepared a delicious diner for me..

It's torch-passing time. You send your mother and MIL a card and/or gift, but how the day is spent is for you and your child.

Eventually, you'll likely spend days like Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas in your own home too.

On my first mother's day, my husband wanted to take me out and he wanted it to be just us, so we left our daughter with his mother. I don't know that I've ever gotten over it. I wanted to be with my baby, but he had this big idea of having time to ourselves and it was easier to just go along with it. Blerg.

Your planned day sounds nice. The problem with going to just one mom's house each is that both moms will want to see the baby. I, personally, don't like my own mom that much, and she lives far away, so I dont have to worry about seeing her. I send her a card and try to remember to call, but that's it. My husband and his mother are morning people, so the way we usually do it now is that he and our daughter (who's now 6) get up and go to breakfast with his mom and sometimes his grandma if she feels up to it, while I get to sleep in and maybe take a bubble bath without anyone bothering me, but mostly the sleeping in thing. Then we spend the afternoon doing whatever together.

Happy Mother's Day! No comment, but want to tell you that mine won't be the way I want it to be!!!

What if you spend the first half of the day or the last half of the day doing what you want at teh park?

Then you can go see your mom w/the baby & spend time with her while he goes to see his mom ?

Happy Mother's Day. I know it is your first and very special to you. My daughter is 18 and I have been married 24 yrs.

For us, I see it as another Hallmark day that gets blown way out of proportion.

My husband and daughter do recognize the day. We have a tradition of brunch at our country club. Since there is an arts festival going on and the weather is beautiful, we will probably do that in the afternoon.

My mom is out of state... I had flowers delivered on Wednesday so she could enjoy them all week and I sent a card. I will call her to wish her Happy Mother's Day.

My MIL is dead and I never met her. After reading all the MIL horror stories on this site, I am truly blessed to not have to deal with in-laws.

Don't let all the little details frustrate you and ruin your day. You have your own family now. If you both want to visit your own moms, then do it separately after you have spent time together with your own new family. There is nothing wrong with seeing mom the day before or day after Mother's Day... don't get hung up on HAVING to do it all in 1 day.