Final Stages of Breast Cancer

I like the idea of planting a tree either in their yard or at a park. If it's in their yard, you could get a little bench to put under it where the family could sit and reflect.

Not having a service is really a private decision. It's possible that the family has discussed it at length and the kids have determined it's what they want as well.

Be there for the kids afterwards. I'm sorry to hear this is happening.

They could name a star after her. Every time they see the stars at night they would be reminded she is still watching over them.

My dad died of cancer and b/c it happened so fast we didn't get to have him write anything to us in light of him "being gone." If there would be anyway for you to help her dictate a letter to her girls, I bet it would mean so much for them to have. I am totally healthy but already have those letters written to my kids just in case!

Did the husband ask you to think of something or include you in any way in her funeral service/memorial? If not, it is not your concern or business. The family may have their own private "memorial" that they have chosen and since this is an illness not a sudden death, the family has been able to come to terms and do what is needed for the children. I am sure you are concerned about the girls (I am sure everyone is) but YOUR feelings on this are not the families feelings...this is a boundary issue, and although you mean well, it is not you business UNLESS you were asked specifically for ideas for the memorial service. At which point you can then offer your thoughts and suggestions.

Hi,
I appreciate your concern for the girls but would caution you to tread lightly. Not sure what your relationship is with the family but how people choose to grieve is very personal. I would hate for your good intentions to end up being badly received.

THat said, I like the idea of a butterfly release. It is ecofriendly (v. balloon release) and you can make a gift to the girls of a butterfly garden (I have one from Insect Lore. they have them at the Peggy Notebart museum, or on amazon.com) with or without an explicit explanation of why. I think it would be a cathartic and meaningful experience for them either way.

BTW, in Day of the Dead celebrations, monarch butterflies represent the souls of our ancestors returning to visit us annually - the yearly migration of Monarchs to Mexico at the end of October/early November (same time as Dias de los Muertos).

J.,

The fact this woman knows she's terminal means there could be things happening right now that are helping her husband and daughters make peace with her passing, most especially if she's home and will die there and Hospice is involved. So if she doesn't want a wake, funeral, or even a memorial service that's her and her family's decision and unless invited to voice opinion, all others should be supportive and not get in the way. You do not need a service to say goodbye to someone or put closure on their death. Since these girls are aware their mom is dying and have been through whatever this cancer journey has taken her to from the start, it's not going to be a shock that she's gone and they very likely have been grieving quite awhile.

Death and grief are very, very personal and we all handle them differently. It seems you feel strongly about showing remembrance for this woman so maybe a contribution to the American Cancer Society, forming a Relay for Life team, getting involved in the Three Day or the Susan G Komen Foundation in her name is something you, personally, could do to show respect for her passing. As to the girls, just be supportive and available and let their dad deal with how their mother's passing should be memorialized for them. I'd also suggest cooking a meal, offering to clean house, or to take the girls for an afternoon. Those things could be done now too, and not just after their mom dies.

I think it's great you want to help the girls, but think about doing it within the parameters their mom and dad are setting up, and not what you feel is the right thing to do. If it were your children and the tables were turned, say you wanted a service but others around you felt you didn't need one and went about putting a stop to it, you wouldn't appreciate that anymore than she would appreciate you trying to do something with her girls, when she doesn't wish for it to happen.

S.

Have not read any other suggestions, sorry if this is a duplicate.

Purchase and release Monarch butterflies. When the girls see a butterfly in the future they can associate it with their mom "flying free" of pain.

I'm very sorry to hear about your friend's horrible illness. I think your desire to help is really commendable, but unless you've been asked to be involved it really is not your call. If I were in her place now, I would feel like the least you (her friends) could do is respect her place as a mom this one last time. Don't second-guess her parenting - this is the last parenting decision she gets to make, which is heartbreaking. I tend to agree that some sort of ceremony helps the survivors, but . . . it's not for us to say. Think of this (and help them to think of this) as a last gift they can give their mom.

One thing you can do is be there in the years to come. Maybe on the anniversary of their loss, you can start a tradition with them to plant flowers or do something else in her memory.

You can ask them how they feel about no funeral/wake. If they are okay with it, then they probably are. I like the idea of planting a tree. They can visit it and watch it grow as time progresses. Simply pray for them to be able to go through life without their mother. I can't imagine how difficult that could be, but God never allows things to happen that we cannot handle.

I'm with the respondents who are urging you not to interfere. I don't agree with her decision either, but it's really not your business, no matter how close you are to them.

If you do, along with the children's father, decide to have some type of event, please do not have a balloon release. It is horrible for the environment, as birds and other animals often eat the balloons after they land somewhere and pop. Maybe a butterfly release or something with soap bubbles?

I'm sorry for this friend and her family, but her decision is THE most selfish act she can leave her family with. Wow. This one takes the cake. She leaves and passes on a mess of emotions w/o concern. There is still time to arrange something meaningful for the "survivors". Start with the suggestions here of course, but also contact some funeral homes, web sites, books on grieving, etc. I recommend Conley's Funeral Home in Elburn. THE BEST - especially for children. Grief counselors would have some great suggestions also.

Anything that will help the children (all people) process the pain...symbolic memorials can make all the difference from staying stuck to moving forward. I am so proud of you for recognizing this need and wanting and being willing to do something about it! We need more people like you that think of others besides just themselves.

I plant trees in honor of loved ones..and name them. Making a scrap book of memories could be theraputic. Creating pictures too. Anything to draw out their feelings and help healing. this will take TIME of course, but each baby step is still a step. Maybe a party in celebration of all the hard work that went into the journey they all just traveled. Talking is the best... xo

Gilda Ratner created this wonderful place downtown for a whole family dealing with cancer.. they might want to check it out because it is free.

Speak to your friend about your concerns. Those kids are old enough to understand death but will always question "what if mommy didn't die? Maybe she'll be back some day, etc". They kids seeing their mom will finalize the death issue. Now days you can have a 4 hour wake and follow with funeral service (short also). The kids can put something with mom to take with her to heaven so they feel remembered forever...a small keepsake. That mom needs to think of the children that I'm sure she loves. Try to talk her into going that extra mile. The moms part is easy in this, it's the preteens that have to live with the loss the rest of their lives.

Take them to a nursery to pick out a bush or flowing plant that can be planted in the yard. Each year it will grow and flourish. something that they can see.

I think a balloon release would be fine for the children, since she wants no other services. They have to have something...

I'm sure the family has spent a lot of time thinking and talking about what is happening. There may be many reasons that they have chosen not to have a funeral or memorial service. What is right for one family is not necessarily right for another. There are many other ways that the girls can say goodbye to their mother or get "closure," without it necessarily being a funeral or memorial service. Let them make the decisions that are right for them. If they approach you to ask about doing something to remember her after she's gone, then by all means work with them to find something appropriate. Otherwise, honor their wishes.

You've had a lot of advice and I'm not inclined to read all of it, but I agree with those who've said not to interfere.

What I do suggest is to do all you can to be involved and help them through this while she is still here. Be available to the children and the dad, let them know they can talk to you whenever they need to and you will not judge.

At some point they may decide they need to do something and will come to those who've made a difference and helped them all along. Let the woman know that she has you to rely on, ask her if she wouldn't mind you offering to help out with advice or a woman's perspective after she's gone. Maybe you can prompt her to talk to you and the girls about what high school, dating, prom, etc will be like and what she'll expect from them.

Talk with her siblings if she has any esp sisters, let them know you are there for them, too. These girls will need a woman's influence in their lives and it's going to be rough esp on the dad once mom's gone. She may not be thinking about some of these things and you can help her with some reality. Good luck and God bless you all...

I think the balloon idea is great. I was at a picnic for a special event and they did a butterfly release - it was amazing. Unfortunately, I don't know where they ordered them, but wanted to mention the idea to you. It is safer to do a butterfly release than a balloon release - and I think more meaningful. I'm sure whatever you chose will be beautiful and will help the girls say goodbye.

They could plant a tree in her honor or make a collage/scrapbook of their happier times together.

What about some sort of a "Celebration of Life"? This could be done over dinner, at someone's house or even incorporating a balloon release or something similar with it. They would probably benefit from talking about fond memories, being able to cry and grieve as a family, maybe with a few close friends. I agree that they will probably need this closure. So sorry to hear about this loss affecting your family. I wish you the best with this situation.

It is such a hard emotion to deal with. When my children and I encountered death of a family or friend we always had a dinner or gathering to help remember the good times, but we forget that we must also greave. Everyone has their own way of dealing with emotional stress. I have found that writing a letter to the person who has passed helps. Maybe there are issues the person feels never got resolved, or feels maybe is inappropriate to discuss with family and friends or even a grief counselor. The first step is to admit, hurt, pain, loss, sadness. By writing a letter to the person passing or passed can help alleviate the stress and rush or emotions. After the person passes you can place the letter in the casket...or if the person is cremated you can still write a letter and then burn it sending the ashes and message to heaven. Just being there for the girls if and when they need someone to talk to, being there to help (even months after the passing) is a blessing to the family that is left with the loss. Everyone forgets after a month or two but the loss to the family is an ongoing hurt that will take months, maybe even years to come to terms with. I hope this helps. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you.

I agree with you.The children will need this not to mention the husband. As painful as it is they do need closure Getting around the funeral, wake or memorial service will help the children. How about a tribute at a dinner at a house. Or the church you or they might attend?

We have done the following for 2 separate families and in both cases it's been so important and they still thank us: we had a trees planted in public spaces near their homes, one in a park and one in a botanical garden. If you call the park service/garden, they will help you arrange this. Ours didn't even charge us. The families chose to bury their loved one's ashes there and one used it as a site for the casual memorial service. Since then, the family has added flowers, a bench, a plaque. They all visit it as you would a grave site, but it's much prettier and less sad. They all say it's become so important to them and they are so grateful to have a place to go where they can talk to their loved ones and feel like they're with them in some way. They hadn't planned on doing anything, and this has been so important to them. We didn't handle it in any heavy way - just, "a tree has been planted in honor of your loved one" and in the other case, we asked if they would like that first. You could ask if they'd like to have a small get together there or to help plant flowers and you could say something of meaning or they could. I wouldn't put pressure on that part of it. But it might be something those girls cherish for all their years to come.

I agree with some of the others here: unless the woman has invited you into her memorial, it is not any of your business.

I have to agree with Beth M. It is appalling but there isn't anything you can (or should) do about her decision. These kids and the husband will need so much and sweeping everything under the rug is only going to make things worse. What the kids need will include counseling - maybe a group for grieving children - recognition of what has happened - the devastation they feel etc. I hope your husband's friend can see some of this. If hospice is involved they know about all these types of resources. If not, you could find out and then pass the info along. Some kind of balloon release or ceremony of course would be great but I also encourage you to stay involved with this family as the months pass. They may not be ready for help right away but in 6 months or a year they might be amenable to something or ready to talk at least to you. Good luck.