FIL Feeding My Infant Sweets and Table Food After Politely Saying Nocontinuously

Do not allow your daughter to be cared for by them again.

Your husband needs to lead the talk with his parents. He needs to explain that the doctors do not want young children to be fed sweets. That they now know bottles are what children need at this age. They know more about diabetes and addiction to sugars and the fact that empty calories do not help the development of the infants body or brain.

If they cannot follow the doctors and your orders, no they will not be allowed to care for their grandchild.. Sorry, it is their choice. They are the ones that have caused this problem.

There comes a time when we children have to stand up to our parents to protect our own children.

If they cannot or do not follow your wishes, you will just have to keep your child away from them. It is sad for everyone that they cannot understand that you all are serious about this.

Ok...I'm gonna sound like a B***** but here's how we handled that with my in-laws. My MIL would go behind my BIL's back all the time and give his infant food and drinks that were inappropriate for her age. She would literally grind up pizza and other junk and spoon feed it to his 4 month old while he was working...and then brag about it to us later. We very clearly told them, "and this is why you will NEVER watch our children. If you can not respect the parents wishes then you will not be permitted to watch them." Plain and simple.

Our doctors had given us really strict guidelines on the time frames of when to start each food group because diabetes runs rampant in both of our families. Fortunately neither my husband nor I have diabetes but the genetic risk for our girls is there so we are very conscious of their nutrition. We tried being nice about it, even tried sharing all of the nutritional information we were given with them.

We also explained to them that the nutritionist told us a leading cause of juvenile diabetes is feeding infants foods that their tiny little bodies are not ready to process yet. Apparently the body reacts by increasing the amount of insulin produced to handle the food ingested. If their bodies have to constantly increase the amount of insulin needed to process the foods it will trick their bodies into thinking they need that much insulin all the time which means their body is now producing way more insulin then it actually needs thereby causing diabetes.

None of that helped. The last straw was when our oldest who is now 6 y/o was just about 6 months old. We were attending a birthday party for one of my husband's relatives. My MIL insisted she was going to give our baby a piece of cake to which I politely replied no she can not have cake she is far to young for cake. She still repeatedly tried to sneak cake into my daughter's mouth. I stopped her the 1st time with a gentle reminder that the baby was far to young and could not have all that sugar. The second time I said "I know you are not seriously attempting to shove cake into my infant's mouth right? I mean that would be crazy seeing as how I just told you NO!" She replied "Oh it's just a bite of cake you need to lighten up." I said "Well if it's "just a bite of cake" why are YOU making such an issue over it. We've already discussed this and the answer remains the same, she can not have cake!" Mind you this is going on in a room full of people there to attend another child's birthday party. Talk about making it awkward for everyone.

The third attempt was made without the fork, just a chunk of cake and icing on her finger. I said "Stop, that is just gross. You know I'm not a fan of my child eating or drinking after anyone so why on earth would you feel it is ok to attempt to shove your dirty, germy, cake filled finger into my baby's mouth after being told several times she CAN NOT HAVE CAKE?"

At this point my husband's cousin went out back where the guys were playing horse shoes and told my husband what had been going on inside. Apparently the cousin and Aunt also had to stop MIL from force feeding my baby cake while I was in the restroom. Dear husband arrived just in time to hear his mother giving me a full on tongue lashing because I will not allow her to be a grandmother to her grandchild. Then she quickly reminded me that my parents are DEAD and she is the only grandmother my child would ever have and she has rights as a grandmother.

She just loves to rub in the fact that my parents are dead and never misses an opportunity to throw it in my face. My Mom died at 48 from the same blood clotting disorder I have and my Dad died at 55 due to complications from his diabetes. Not a smart move on her part to bring my parents into it since both of them had diabetes which is why we're so strict on what our children can eat. I just flat out told her "If you continue to disrespect us as her parents and can not follow our guidelines you will no longer be allowed to see our child." I swooped up my daughter, apologized to the host for the unnecessary drama my MIL choose to unleash and started packing up to leave.

Once my daughter and I were outside I could hear my husband laying his Mom out. He land blasted her for disrespecting his wife by speaking to me that way and by refusing to follow the rules we had established. He even said Mom you have diabetes, do you want that for your grandchildren? She started screaming at him "Just tell me why I can't give her cake, give me one good reason why I can't give her cake!" My husband replied "Because we, her parents said NO, end of discussion, no further explanation is necessary. You have just burned your own bridge with my family. Do not call or attempt to visit us until you can learn to respect us and our decisions."

Needless to say we didn't hear from her for several months when she finally called to apologize to my husband and promise to never to that again.

For the record, we had already discussed our dietary view with them on several occasions and she knew full well why we would not allow our 6 month old to have cake. Alas, my BIL never put his foot down with his mother and she continued to feed garbage to his daughter every day while he and his girlfriend were at work. I mean who in their right mind gives a 7 month old hotdogs???? Then she had the nerve to bad mouth the child's mother to the entire family because the baby was over weight. The poor girl is now an over weight 6 year old that is just now starting to thin out a bit. I'm not trying to offend parents with over weight children here. I just couldn't stomach the hypocrisy of her blaming the girl's mother for the child's weight yet she was the one stuffing pizza, fries, cake, cookies, milkshakes and soda into a 4 month old.

Do yourself and your child a favor and put your foot down now for the sake of your children's health.

Peace and Blessings,
T. B

A 8 months, your daughter is old enough for some table food. I agree that they shouldn't be giving her sweets and soda, but spaghetti is fine. Other table foods are ok as well, as long as they are in baby size portions. You obviously shouldn't give her a hamburger, but peas, carrots, etc are all ok. My son didn't like the stage 3 baby foods like spaghetti, but he sure liked the real thing. Can you invite them over to your house where you can keep a more watchful eye on them? I wouldn't completely cut them off, but if they are at your home, you won't have the foods you don't approve of there.

I think you will just have to keep her away from them until they get the message. This will sound mean to some but it sounds like a power struggle and if you want to set limits then you may have to step on toes. You can compromise on some sweets or treats but other foods could harm a baby.

Talk to your husband first to back you up in talking to his parents. Write down a list of what she can eat including plenty of table food and a few acceptable treats. Research or talk to the pediatrician as to why she should not be eating some foods yet (upset digestion and constipation if she can't digest something, potential for food allergies, etc.). There are plenty of other, safe ways grandparents can spoil their grandkids.

I think some responses are missing the point. I too think at 8 months she is ready for SOME table foods, at 3 months--NO, but that is in the past. The point however is that YOU and your husband are the parents and should be respected as such. If you say no spaghetti, then that's it. If you feel she is not ready for meats, then that's it. They can engage you in discussion or suggest things, but whatever you and your husband decide is final and they shouldn't be sneaking things behind your back. It sounds like more of a power trip and once you allow your daughter to eat table foods or whatever, the issue will just change to something else. So put your foot down now about who is in charge and who makes the decisions about your daughter.

I think you should draw some very clear lines for "absolutely not," and then give them a list of acceptable table food, as suggested below. For me, anything with caffeine would be an absolute no. Explain that caffeine is a stimulant and even a small amount of caffeine can be very disruptive for a baby. Giving a baby 4 oz of Coke is like an adult taking an amphetamine. It is not dangerous as in "a little taste of sweets will set her up for poor eating habits," it is dangerous as in "her heart rate will be raised to dangerous levels." Make it clear- this is a line that I am drawing. If you ever give her caffeine without my express permission, I will not leave her alone with you. Period. Caffeine was never an issue for me, but I did have to very clearly express that my children are vegetarian. No meat at all, ever. Period. I make this absolutely clear. If anyone cannot follow that, they cannot be alone with my children. The flip side of that is that I usually feed my kids organic. However, I know that they will get some junk food at other houses, and I am OK with that as long as it is still vegetarian. In your case- give them the list of OK foods, know that they will not follow it perfectly, but set some definite parameters for non-negotiable items. Sorry you are dealing with this- I definitely empathize!!

They are trying to do an end run around you.
They are hoping your husband will bring your daughter for a visit so they can ignore your wishes.
They raised their kids as they wished and now they are done.
It's your turn to raise yours as you see fit and they need to respect that.
Even when your daughter is older, you are still going to be having problems with them.
Don't let them baby sit anymore, but they can come visit (as long as it's not around meal times) and they can't be bringing food to your house.

I would not leave them alone with her again. Your husband really needs to handle this, as it is his father. I would tell him if FIL cant respect your rules, then hes not allowed in your house. Take a stand now, its only going to get worse from here on, as she gets older. Your husband needs to let him know his behavior is not acceptable and put a stop to it. What she can and cant eat is really not the issue here, its FIL needing to be respectful of your parenting decisions.

Yes, your husband needs to take charge of this.

He needs to tell his parents that they seem to be unaware of the choking risks they put the baby at ever time they shovel whatever they want at her.

She is indeed old enough for some table foods. SOME. But what ones, in what order, is your choice, not theirs. And kids do learn to have a "sweet tooth" if they are fed sweet drinks and foods early on, and they are doing a great job of developing it in her.

Before he talks to them I would ask the pediatrician to provide a detailed brochure or paper that shows what children this age should be eating, in what amounts, and what the DOCTOR's policy is about table foods for this age. Then you can say quite clearly, this is what baby's doctor says we all must do.

I think that since MIL said "we aren't keeping her anymore, you don't trust us" and you say you don't trust them, then part of the conversation needs to be "I want you to have a relationship with Bryleigh and I know that not everything is going to be exactly the same at Grandma's house, but I need to you follow certain guidelines or I will not be comfortable (really, your DH should say "WE will not be comfortable") leaving our child in your care." Or in SIL's care in their home, apparently, because when SIL follows your guidelines they get involved anyway.

If I found out my mom was sneaking hard candy or popcorn or whatever behind my back when I told her not to feed my child those things, I wouldn't trust her. I simply wouldn't. It can become a safety issue if the food is not something the child is ready for or something to which the child is allergic (and in the early days of solid foods, it can be hard to figure out what triggered it. I fed my kid apples for a long time, not realizing it was making her sick). The time for a treat is later.

I wonder, does FIL know how to relate to kids other than to give them treats? And what's with the sneaky behavior? That would drive me crazy.

It may also be that if you feel strongly about this that you only allow supervised visits that do NOT include food. Period. Don't stay through a meal time, and only you or DH feed her. You and DH need to be on the same page.

When you introduce more foods is up to you, not them. She may be ready for more or she might just want sugar. It's hard to say without being there. I held off on meat til 9 mo. per our pediatrician, but I did allow DD cut up fruit, noodles, cereal, etc. before then.

If they sneak food to her while you are dining with them, start to decline dinner and/or keep DD with you and not pass her around the table.

He fed your baby ice cream at 3m old? I know a child who was taken away from their family for something like that.

Here is the problem you are running into, believe it or not children survived being raised eating whatever everyone was eating and lived. It only seems strange to us because we were raised to believe baby food or you grab some health book and make your own.

You need to realize that how babies are raised today looks as strange to them as their behavior looks to you. So imagine if your father in law kept insisting you should stop feeding her any baby food or formula? Wouldn't you think he flipped a nut, well more than you do now? That is exactly how he is seeing your constant no.

It won't stop it completely but the best way to handle this is allow it as a treat. Yes, that means you will have to suck it up every now and then but the fact is every now and then won't hurt your child. Okay as much as he does it now probably won't hurt them either but it is driving you nuts! So meet in the middle and you won't be quite as annoyed, ya know?

Without reading responses below, my first instinct is "heck no you don't need to see Bryleigh." I'd let them see that you are the mom, YOU are in charge, and YOU say that no, Bryleigh needs to RELEARN "thanks to you" how to eat the healthy foods that are recommended for her age. She needs to take a break from Grandma and Grandpa's house. Grandma and Grandpa can come over here, "...but the first thing I see you put in her mouth that is off your plate or junk food, then that's the end of the line. You can walk out the door at that exact minute and maybe we'll see you at Thanksgiving."

Perhaps you need to print out "evidence" or research that talks about cavaties, diabetes, digestive system of infants. I can't believe that you've let this go on for the past 5 months.

Have you told your MIL why you are upset with your FIL? Does she take up for him?

If she is taking up for him, you are doing the right thing. Your FIL doesn't accept any boundaries. If you don't establish them now, he will run roughshod all over you with more than food regarding your daughter.

I agree that respect is important when it comes to inlaws. But there is a point where you have to draw a line in the sand, and if they still cross it, say no more. You haven't said they can never see her again for the rest of her days. You have said until they REALLY GET that they cannot go over your head and disregard that you are the mother of this child. That's why you are demanding the apology and strict adherence to your rules.

Thank goodness for your SIL. She's a real gem.

Awww. I understand your frustration, but I am sure they are NOT doing this to power struggle with you. I highly doubt he is "shoveling foods down her throat" or she would choke. I understand you are upset, but I think that's a little extreme.
I think inlaws have a hard time adjusting to "rules" put in place by the children they raised. I think at times they think, "Well I raised you and you didn't die. So what's the harm?" Please don't refuse them the right to see their grandchildren because you are upset. I was very saddened by that comment and they aren't even my grandchildren.
It sounds like perhaps the two of you have a difference in what the families enjoy eating. Baby food stinks, IMO, so I can understand why she would throw a fit when offered yogurt instead of ice cream. I fed my son off the table at a very early age, and he is very healthy and has wonderful eating habits. Heck, I even gave him steak I had blended up in a blender when he was a wee tot. Baby food just didn't stick to him like regular food, and I hardly think I am a bad mother because I did it.
I understand this is important to you, but I think you need to lighten up a bit. I think you seriously need to make some compromises with your inlaws. By giving your child some treats every now and again, it teaches them moderation. I hardly think she is going to go overboard at such a young age. Good luck.

You have sole rights to say what your child should/should not eat. Sweets and she's not even one years old is unacceptable.

If you don't trust they will respect your wishes then you MUST do what's in your daughter's best interest and find a new sitter. You don't owe them anything.

They have there own children to spoil/ruin, etc...

No more nice mama. Your mama bear reaction needs to come out and quick!!!!! Tell him in no uncertain terms that he is NEVER to feed your baby again unless YOU say it is ok! I can't believe how long this has gone on~ You have to put your foot down and set him in his place. NO more or NO baby. Seriously. You shouldn't trust him either ---he sneaks around behind your back or when you leave the room/turn your head? Horrible! I wish you the best of luck and please take care of this problem asap. Your baby is suffering because of this and he is setting her up for huge issues with food if this isn't resolved soon. Good luck!

Have you told your MIL why you are upset with your FIL? Does she take up for him?

If she is taking up for him, you are doing the right thing. Your FIL doesn't accept any boundaries. If you don't establish them now, he will run roughshod all over you with more than food regarding your daughter.

I agree that respect is important when it comes to inlaws. But there is a point where you have to draw a line in the sand, and if they still cross it, say NO MORE. You haven't said they can never see her again for the rest of her days. You are telling them that they can no longer ignore the fact that YOU are that child's mother and you make the rules and they must follow the rules. That's why you are demanding an apology and strict adherence to your FIL stopping all this ignoring of your rules.

Stay strong here, W.. It's time that they see you in a different light, whether they like it or not.

Dawn