Feeling Torn Between Roles

Hi J.! I think you are completely normal at 3 months postpartum, especially with 5 others needing your time as well. Physically, your body has alot of repairs and emotionally you are going in many directions. And, most importantly, your body is programmed hormonally to be attentive the every, frequent need of your new baby above all else. It's a beautiful thing. It is a difficult thing.

I have 2 kids (nursed the 1st and I am nursing the second) and with both, I had to "get in the mood" in what seemed like a robotic way for the first 6 months. That was after a C-Section and then a vaginal. We had KY gel next to the bed where'd we go and invariably we were interrupted. I saw it as a gift for him. For me, it wasn't fair to him to make him wait 6 months until I was fully ready. So as long as it wasn't every other day that he was wanting to be intimate, I was ok with letting it happen. And, yes there were times that I delayed it a day or so for any number of reasons. It seemed that each time we would, I felt a little more back to normal in some way and I would make sure that I emphasized that little bit of healing to him. A reminder to him that this wasn't a permanent state. On my husband's side, he new it wasn't real easy for me and so he was real tender and gentle both physically and emotionally about it all. So, it turned out to be a way for him to show me his love in it all.

Even now that I've healed and all is back to normal, it is hard to not be interrupted so it has become a joke for us and has added some spontaneity and lightness to our relationship in an unexpected way.

Personally, at 3 months postpartum, I think it is absolutely normal and necessary that you are always mom first. You are programmed for that. I see the question as, in what ways can you give to your marriage even when you can't 100%. One thing that I always reminded myself was that it wasn't a permanent situation and that with time all would cycle back.

Best of luck, congratulations on your baby and on choosing to noursish him/her with your milk.

J., you have a full plate. Check out www.flylady.net and she can help you do things easier and "good enough" so you will have more time for YOU. If YOU are taken care of by YOU then YOU can't take care of him or the kids.

Flylady has done miracles for people.

M. b

I think your feelings are normal and valid and I think everyone goes through various periods of their lives trying to redefine those two very important roles. It seems normal to me that 3 months after having a baby you'd feel yourself going through that. I remember feeling like it was a little more difficult to switch from mother to wife when I was breastfeeding. I found it easier when breastfeeding was done. But your husband does need you and chances are that at 3 months postpartum you are looking more like your usual attractive self to him now. And his feelings are valid too. Blame it on the breastfeeding (I am still pro breastfeeding) and then consider reading Dr. Laura's book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". Dr. Laura encourages faking it. I know not everyone agrees with that idea but I think her book is worth reading and considering. She's got a lot of other good ideas too though.

About a year ago my husband and I decided to make a weekly date night as important as eating. It takes effort to consistently find sitters, afford them, and come up with something to do but it has been SO worth it to us. It gives us that chance to redefine ourselves as husband and wife again without the kids which I feel is so important. (And it doesn't work for me if I do a date night at home-it has to be out of the house.) We really look forward to date night. I totally recommend weekly dates to everyone!

Also, I remember a friend's advice of having a daily dose of the 4 Ts: Thirty minutes of touching and talking together. I like that advice too.

Weel first you are amazing for having 6 children! Be proud! You do have to make sure you are a wife to your husband in the bedroom and out. You were a wife before you were mommy so you need to have that in the back of your mind. Take a time every weel to have a date to keep the spark alive and dont talk about the kids! Have a totally kid free night. When dealing with the children I thinks its important to be on the same page but dont play mommy with your husband. He is to be the head of the household even if you are the primary care giver. Thats just my opinion. You are your own person outside of your children and your husband so make sure to find that and keep that going so you dont get worn down!

J.,

What I am hearing is that it would serve you to work on your relationship with your husband. It is easy for you to be a mom but sometimes a challenge to be a wife.

I would love to have you and your husband attend my Marriage Connection workshop. The next one starts April 4.
Check out my website and see what you feel. www.lovcol.com
There is a 15% discount for mamasource members.

With Joy, C.

I know exactly how you feel, I have 7 between 16 and 17 months and have also been married to my high school sweetie, although we didn't know each other in school, and have been married going on 18 years. And I know that my husband is neglected, there are days that all I want to do is go to bed, and I do, but then I feel guilty cause I know my husband would like more from me, between his work schedule and the kids I just don't have enough hours in the day!

I will admit that I am lucky and my husband rarely ever applies any pressure, but it still botheres me, I don't have any answers, but for me my kids come first, yes even above my husband, I know that that is unpopular, but I only get 18 years with my kids to make sure that they grow into responsible adults, that are good for society. And I feel they didn't choose to be brought into this world, that was a desicion my husband and I made so know we have to manage our relationship around them, they won't always be here and we have the rest of our lives to be togather, hopefully it won't be from wheelchairs :).

You first have to become OK with the decisions you are making, it's Ok to not always feel in the mood, it's Ok to just want to go to sleep at night. It's hard to feel sexy when there is always a little person hanging off of you. It isn't for ever, but you have to be open with your husband and let him know what you are feeling, that is always a good first step, we don't always give the men in our lives the credit they deserve/ Good luck I'll be reading what others say to see of they got any good ideas!

J.
I have been where you are at. WE have 6 kids ten years apart and have been married 27 years. You are still ajusting to a new one in the house. I nursed all 6 of my kids and that task takes all the energy out of you. I would suggest that you put the kids to bed early at least one night a week and have a romance night. Even if the kids are still a wake in their room, tell them it is mommy and daddy time. They are not to bother you! Once the baby is a little older have a date night every week. Go to the movies, or ice skating, maybe just dinner- something you both enjoy. Dress up like a date with makeup and a nice outfit. He is worth the effort and will appreciate the fact you cared enough to look nice for him.
Motherhood is exhusting but it is not cheating your kids to enjoy time with your husband. If anything it is teaching them the importance of working on your marriage. He was there at the beginning and you want him there when the kids are raised and on there own. Right now it is not easy to balance the roles with the baby so young but just like everything that is worth having in life, it is work!

Does your husband help around the house? Let him take over the laundry for at least a year! Do your kids have dish duty and other respounsibilties? I had a chore chart and everyone did there job. (not prefect) It helps teach them life skills. Also, plan a family night where you play a game or order pizza and watch a movie everyone can watch. Have a sing a long and see how many songs everyone knows. one of our kids favorites was story time where we made up stories from their imagination. They weren't always good but everyone joined in and created funny stories that the older ones still laugh at to this day.

Right now it is hard but once every thing is back into a routine it will get a little easier. Try and take a nap during the day. Everyone lays down and you have a story time and nap. You will all be in a better mood and have energy get through the evening.
Blessings,
C. B