Feeling Not So Fond of Partner -- How Much of That Is Ok?

Hi D.!
Sounds pretty normal to me! Have you told him how you feel? A lot of this sounds like maybe you need to go on a date-without the little ones and remember what it was that brought you together in the first place. Everyday life with kids can get a little stale but it does not mean that it's not a good life it just means that you have to throw a little spice in there every now and then-talk with him!! It sounds as though you care and love him enough if you are upset....so thats a good thing! Being married 12 years with 2 kids myself I've been there and it is upsetting and scarey....just be open with him and talk about it with him-I find that sometimes he feels a lttle lost himself.

Oh so glad you posted. I really feel like this sometimes, and then I feel terrible that I feel like this. Good to know that I'm not alone. I just feel a little like we've gotten into a rut and I would like something new. I know that I've felt this way before and it's passed. I think part of this issue is that the kids and work wear me out so much that I don't feel like that I have anything left to give to the relationship, and I think that he feels the same way. I agree with the other poster that just doing something little can help you remember why you are married. Turning off the TV and playing a card game, doing a crossword puzzle, or something bigger (we're going away for one night this weekend and I'm really hoping that will help). My only other advice is a little personal - when we get this way I am not particularly inclined to be intimate, and then the problem worsens and the cycle continues. I don't know if that's the case with you, but if it is, do whatever you can to psych yourself up and break the cycle. I think that sometimes as moms we forget that we are also adults with other needs and when that isn't addressed our relationships suffer. I don't know if this was helpful at all, but it felt good to comiserate.

Hi D. - I understand how you feel 100%. I feel the same way sometimes... my husband is a good man & father. He is thoughtful, tries hard, works hard, but I too get annoyed & disappointed. I really try to pull myself back, out of the moment & whatever small thing has be irked to look at the bigger picture. I look at the histroy we have together, all that we have invested in together (NOT talking financially here), and ultimately our love & committment together. It can be VERY stressful at time (most times!) - we work full time and have 2 small children. It really helps to make time for us, although we don't do it nearly enough. Go on a date once in a while, that is key... Good luck - looking forward to what others think.

One last thought... it takes a LOT of effort & work to keep your marriage healthy & thriving, so don't give up on it... not to sound corney at all, but love it like a fire, you have to keep it going or it'll just burn right out.

There are days when I think the very same things you are thinking, and I believe it's normal. It's really easy to become dependent upon someone else to make us happy & when they don't fulfill that 100%, we can blame it on them instead of looking deeply at ourselves. I think it's okay to think these things, but you also have to find a way to pull back from these thoughts, figure out what brought you to this place and answer honestly whether you're unhappy with him, unhappy with a certain situation or unhappy with yourself or your place in life, or unhappy as a mother, unhappy with a career choice or whatever and try to change those things as well. Sometimes too I think I love my husband, but I'm not sure if I'm IN LOVE with my him and there's a big difference to me which I struggle with. Occasionally I'll go through a period of thinking like this and then something will happen that will make me realize that yes, he's the one I love and am meant to be with. I stumbled upon a really great article a few weeks ago when I was feeling this way and it helped me see things in a different light. I printed it out & keep it in my desk drawer & read it from time to refresh my perspective. Here's the link if you're interested. http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/8-things-...

Good luck.

Hi D.,
I know exactly how you feel, and I think everyone goes through this from time to time (or a lot of people). I think this is why they call marriage 'work.' What I do when I go through phases like this is try to think about the good things my husband brings to my life and that of my son really objectively. I also think about the things that I loved about him when we were first together. The things that attracted me to him, and that I would revel in when I was thinking about him. I think about what my life would truly be like without him.

I also take the space and time I need away from my husband in my day-to-day life, as others have said, with my own interests. It's important to try to find one time during the day that you make the effort to be close to your husband, though, or else you run the risk of losing all intimacy all together. I read somewhere that to be close you have to get close. I think these things go in phases, I've only been married since 2005 myself but so far this is how I'm working it out. Good luck!

Hi D.,

I have also had times when I feel very much the way you feel. I think it is quite common. About a year ago, I was feeling that way and someone told me some advice that helped me. My friend said to try for two weeks to really make a big effort to focus only on the good things about your husband. Try extra hard to let the bad things roll off your back for those two weeks. If he did one of those things that annoyed me I immediately started thinking about the good things about him. I was skeptical about my friends suggestion but it actually helped me. I found that when I was going out of my way to think about the good in him, the annoying stuff didn't really annoy me as much. I also tried to compliment him more on the good things during that two week period. I found that he responded a lot to my positive comments. He actually seemed to try hard to not do things I didn't like. I hadn't told him about my little experiment but it seemed like he was needing more positive feedback from me too. Things definitely got better between us and now if I feel things slipping I try to start up my little experiment again. Good luck!

I know what you mean. And sometimes cultural differences can aggravate things. But it sounds like a sound relationship and one worth working on but I am not sure how. Having babies does complicate things. It does become harder to connect with your husband. Currently my husband and I seem to live on 2 different time zones. Luckily it does not feel like a problem yet. But I can't imagine that we can continue indefinitely like this. Maybe once the kids are a few months older you can leave them with their grandparents and take a trip just the two of you for a month. Or if that's not possible on a regular basis just try to do small spontaneous things together. Go for a walk, chat (talk about what you expect from life, where you see yourselves in 2 years), eat out. Actually the small things are sometimes more effective.

Hello D., I absolutely understand how you feel. Sometimes there are moments in my relationship when I am not too fond of my partner either. I think this is due to the fact that some people tend to grow apart with age a little.

However, when I have these phases I try to recount all the fun moments that we've spent together and all the hard times that my partner has helped me through. For example, I know that we value similar things (such as family, health, athletics, hard working attitude). We also like to play sports together, watch movies and shows together in the evenings, etc.

Then I always talk to my partner about what we can do to make things work out better. Maybe we can go away on a trip together, possibly go out to the movies, or spend the evening playing racket ball. Men are very simple and they don't realize that they are doing something wrong or acting in a way that you don't appreciate. Therefore, it's always good to remind them, and in most cases they try to change whatever they do that makes you love them less.

Hope this helps!

A.

My husband and I married in 2004 also. Our children are 3.5 and 21 mo (adjusted of 17). Marriage tends to go through phases, honeymoon where there is constant elation, then there is a disengagement phase and finally a place of maturity. The middle phase is the hardest and each of these phases lasts a shorter or longer period of time.

Marriage takes a lot of work. Its not easy to make a marriage work, but it is worth it.

I have had many of the same struggles, and am "starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel".

Cultural barriers are a big factor too. I am an American married to a 1/2 French Canadian/ 1/2 German :). My husband grew up in a very different culture than I did, and now I am living in his culture. These changes make working on the marriage even more difficult, however, I also find it more fulfilling :).

Keep an honest dialogue with yourself and your husband. Keep communication open and try to work together to overcome your difficulties.

I hope you start to enjoy your marriage more soon!!

A.

D.,

I too have had times that I did not particularly "like" my husband, but I have always loved him deeply. I don't know if that makes sense or not. We have been married for 5 1/2 years and have three boys 5, 4, and 16 months. As I am a SAHM I am wiped out by the end of the day. Plus I overload myself with volunteer stuff, which keeps me super busy. I don't always feel connected with my husband the way I wish, but then we make huge efforts to go on date nights and try and be intimate...even if I am not always in the mood. It really does help...for me.

Life is every changing...we need to change with it. And so do our relationships. I am actually glad that I did not get married until I was in my 30's, because I had a very full life before kids...and I don't resent them that.

I wish you luck...maybe it would help you to see a therapist...even for a little while it might help you sort out your feelings...you are NOT alone!!

H. Z.

Hi D.,

Your feelings are actually quite common. Life has many changes, it is not unusual that you have changed as well. Currently you have had a major shift in the focus of your life.

With two new babies it is inevitable that your relationship will change. Please do not do anything drastic about your relationship right now while your life is in such transition.

Men also feel the change in the relationship which comes with parenthood. Often they respond differently. While you are occupied with the day to day care of two very dependent human beings, men often withdraw, realizing it is selfish to complain about your new interests (which of course are his children whom he loves dearly).

The family is a precious unit greater than any of the individual members. It is important to preserve your family if at all possible. If your husband is essentially a good man, please try professional counseling by a counselor who believes in the value of family. (not all do) before making any drastic changes.

Though it is hard to imagine it now, your little ones will grow up and your husband and yourself will grow close again. Often people bail out of relationships because they are "bored" or somehow not satisfied, only to repeat the same relationship over and over simply because their expectations are unrealistic.

No one human can give your life complete meaning and purpose. It is the slow, steady committment of marriage that increases security and feelings of trust and intimacy that leads to a strong, healthy marriage. A true marriage will be there through all the phases of your life with the understanding that the marriage will have a natural course of times of greater and lesser intimacy.

Best Wishes and God Bless.

J. L.

I too have had those moments from time to time and it's humbling for me to realize my husband probably has them towards me as well! I think we don't recall these from other relationships b/c once you are married w/ kids you enter a realtionship realm you have never been in before. It's a grind sometimes- the cleaning, the cooking, shopping, taking care of kids, the house- there is no time for each other. In most relationships before this there was much more time for each other!

Also, for me anyways, I've been with my husband much longer than any other relationship I had ever been in (8 years now). I think if you have a relationship w/ anyone for 8 years it can become complacent and boring...I think we feel more like siblings or roomates then husband/wife sometimes! I think this is all part of the process.

Like others have said- count your blessings and what is good and make some time for each other. Realize this phase will pass, that it is normal and that no person would hold your constant interest under the same circumstances no matter who they are!

Have you ever heard the phrase, "I love you, but I don't like you very much right now."

So true. Everyone has their lulls in their relationship.
Give it time.. but, if you can do something fun, just the two of you, that may help to reignite the fires.

As long as you both are loyal and respectful to each other and the relationship, it will work out. Remember, it's a journey, and not every road is lined with gold. But when the foundation is built of love (which also goes through different phases), it will endure.

Good luck.

D.,

Yes, I have had these feelings. One thing that has helped us is to spend quality time together. Whether this means snuggling on the couch watching a movie after the kids go to bed or getting a sitter so you can go out. Of course a vacation would help too but I've found it isn't always possible. Any chance you can get help from his family so you two and get a night away? Even if it's just in the city. Some would say you need to spice up your life I think it's more about finding each other. Even if this isn't possible you need to reconnect with each other - the new people you have become as parents. People grow and change and the challenge is to continue to connect, support and love the person your partner becomes.

Stress doesn't help. We have a 9 month old and I'm generally tired - this is a killer. So you have an older one and an infant I'm sure it isn't easy. My husband and I have tried different things to reduce the stress. Massages, professional or to each other, baths, cups of tea, stretching all of these things can help.

Also any chance you can have some time to yourself. Your husband watch the kids while you go to the library and read, go for a walk, a coffee with a friend. Just time for yourself. I've noticed the happier I am with myself the more I accept who my husband is and not the 'Oh, I hate when he does that' type of nonsense that creeps into the marriage. This tends to pull you down instead of bring you up and make us all happy.

I hope this helps,
L. M

Hi D.,
I am a 40 year old mother of two girls ages 13 and 8. I've been married for 19 years! That's a really long time these days. I find that I go through stages where sometimes everything seems fine and my husband and I are in sync (sp), and then there are times where I just don't like him at all and I want a divorce. He is a good man, loves me deeply and the children as well, so I cannot justify my feelings. I think it could be my age and the realization that life is very short, I think I got married too young, I didn't do enough before I settled down with kids, etc, etc. Then I realize that I will not put my children through a divorce and I make the decision that my life is pretty darn good. I try really hard to imagine my life without him and it's nearly impossible (especially since we have kids). I think it may also be a case where the grass is always greener. You don't know what you got til it's gone. You know what I mean?
I know that when my kids were very young it was difficult to connect with my husband because I was so wrapped up in them and so exhausted all the time. It definitely gets easier as the kids get older and more independent. I find a nice weekend away, just the two of us, is always helpful to reconnect.
I hope this helps - knowing that you are not alone and it is normal to have these types of feelings.
What it comes down to - you need to make the decision to make it work and be happy with what you have.

hmmm... this is tough. I felt this way about my older daughters father, and I KNEW I couldnt spend the rest of my life with him, it was hard, but it had to be done. My now husband, Ive had my moments where I just can't stand him and would love to bop him in the nose, but I couldnt imagine living the rest of my life without him, he is my "one". I think you need to go with your gut, do alot of soul searching... and remember that be married requires falling in love over and over again. But, I guess you need to remember if you were ever actually in love in the beginning... good luck!

I do have the same feelings from time to time. I have been married to a wonderful man since 1999. I always love my husband but sometimes I don't like him. Like you, I get bored, frustrated, dissappointed, annoyed, etc. but it all comes back to the love I have for him and the reasons we got married. All relationships go through cycles and as in wedding vows you are in it for better or worse. If you have a good solid base for your marriage then a little down time should not worry you. Just think, he probably feels the same way about you sometimes but I bet he stills loves you and in the end that what counts.

I have no advice for you whatsoever. But I do know what you're saying. We have a 2 y.o. and a 5 m.o. that we both adore. But sometimes I wonder what I ever saw in him. He's a wonderful person, very intelligent, compassionate, affectionate, etc., but... I am also disappointed in him, bored, and annoyed, like you said. If I never had sex with him again, I'd be fine with that. I just hope that with time, we will learn how to work through this and have a better relationship. Life with such little kids is not easy, and we're still adjusting to having these little people around and sharing our lives with them. Maybe we'll get better at all this. I sure hope so.

Hi D.,
I completely know what you are feeling and going through. I've been married since 2003 and we have a 4 1/2 year old. My husband and I love each other, but I feel we live more like roomates than anything lately. I also feel that we've grown apart, and our interests have changed somewhat. WHAT TO DO, well, i hope and pray every day that this is a phase and will pass. I talk with him briefly about it occassionally, but it doesn't seem to help, nothing changes. There's the key word, you cannot change your mate. My husband is a hard worker and he's a kind respectful gentle man, that's why I was so interested in him... what does he lack, the ability to make me laugh, having fun together, living like a real couple. I stay because I should for my son in hopes that this is a phase, but I fear it isn't.

I think you have to find some interests that make YOU happy and live for you and your children, and also pray in time your relationship will blossom. Does he do anything with you and your children so that you aren't bored, or you see what made you fall in love with him in the beginning. I pray that things work out for you Damar... write to me anytime. ____@____.com. Blessings to you and your family!

HI D.-

First let me ask how much time you and your husband spend together? Do you make time for each other, go out without the kids? Do you stay up after the kids go to bed or do you go to sleep when they do? I totally understand what you are feeling. I think it is a period in your relationship where you need more attention and spontaneity, but can't get it! Our children consume us and we spend so much time making them happy and feel loved that we often forget about the two who brought these beautiful children into the world. But I will also say that getting "bored" is just a different phase in the relationship. Try doing something that makes you feel good, then find some way of bringing your spouse into the picture. I was feeling like I was ready to escape my marriage, but than realized that my husband was everything that I needed him to be, but I wasn't allowing him to be it! It sounds crazy, but as soon as I was more open to him-it worked! Good luck to you, remember your kids are young, you need to make time for yourself and your husband.

I sometimes feel the same way...pretty much bored! I miss the whole "butterflies" feeling! I love my hubby greatly just do not feel as attracted to him as I used to. It is a tough thing cuz I know I DO love him but he can aggravate me a great deal. I know I am in that wierd phase now but figure it could be all from raising 2 young girls and feeling as if I have no more to give at the end of the day. Nonetheless, I also believe in not selling yourself short either! I think it is a decision you need to weigh on. If you truly feel like you are not in love anymore then that can be a tough way to live. Maybe consider marriage counselling, date nights, etc. Good luck!