Feeling Guilty About Failing at Breastfeeding

Please do not feel guilty. I had a difficult delivery with my now 34 month old and she would not breastfeed either. She is my first. I really wanted to try breastfeeding exclusively for the first year and felt the same way as you. As you said, the lactation consultants were no help. I never saw one in the hospital and after I got home and was having trouble, the lactation consultant I was referred to tried to make be feel worse about it because if I formula fed I was just "giving up." I feel at peace with my decision to formula feed. My mother made me feel much better about it, as well. She was not able to breastfeed my older sister or me, so I felt better knowing there were others facing the same challenge. There was much less stress for both of us and she is now a very intelligent, active, and happy almost 3 year old.

Good luck to you!

I was sad and felt I let my daughter down when I was not able to breast feed my daughter (it just never came in). While you may not be able to get him to latch on, you can pump and give him what you can and supplement with formula. Either way, they make great formulas. You're a great mom for trying and you should not feel guilty about not breastfeeding.

Good luck.

I'm definitely not an expert by any means, but what about pumping and using the bottle to deliver the breast milk? A friend of mine did that instead of breast feeding, and it worked out really well.

I wish you the best of luck and just want to encourage you. Guilt is such hard thing when you're a mama. We all feel it at some point, but the funny thing is it's hardly ever warrented. We try so hard to be the best mom's and we should never feel guilty about that. We tend to be so h*** o* ourselves, and the truth is, our little ones are just happy to be with us. We love them unconditionally and that's all that matters. I hope this doesn't sound like a hallmark card, but, we put so much pressure on ourselves sometimes and we need to ease up and remember they are genuinely happy just to be so loved by us! So, don't feel guilty!
As far as the BF. I am nursing my second one too, it's hard and I know the demands the older one puts on us are exhausting, especially in the beginning. Mine is 2. I just wanted to give you a website that really helped me...its www.kellymom.com
Hope it helps....Best to you!

You already have a lot of responses, but here's one more. I had the same problem and the same feelings of guilt. Just last night I was thinking about how awful the feeling of guilt and failure was when we were in the thick of it years ago. My solution ended up being pumping and feeding my daughter expressed breast milk in a bottle. Since you are making milk you could try this, it might work out for you. Get yourself a nice pump and pump away as often as you can get the chance to. I ended up w/ enough milk to feed her exclusively breast milk and I didn't have to pump every hour or anything crazy like that. If my supply started to go down, though, I would spend a day or two pumping an awful lot to get it back up but really it wasn't that bad. And it didn't hurt, not any worse than the breastfeeding, anyway! I want to say this, too - Some people say that breastfeeding is THE best bonding experience for your baby. BS! Total BS. Yes, it is a bonding experience. And when it's working for everyone, it's wonderful. But when things aren't working it is not a bonding experience. It is an experience wrought w/ guilt, stress, anguish, pain, frustration, etc., etc., etc..... Your baby feels all that, too. Consider the beauty and bonding that is experienced when you are calm, relaxed, it's quiet, it's you are focused on the sublties of your child's face and he on yours instead of wether or not he's getting enough - latching on right - your milks letting down. This can happen out of a bottle or out of a breast. You are not a less nurturing mother if you don't/can't breastfeed. On the contrary, you are a more nurturing mother if it helps to nourish your child physically and emotionally to bottle feed. Do what is best for you two. Follow your instincts and listen to your own needs as well, happy mommy = happy baby.

You're a good mom.

Best of luck, S.

P.S. You can bottle feed w/ your and his shirt off for more skin to skin contact if that makes you feel better. Also, bathing w/ your child instead of just bathing him can offer another chance for skin to skin contact and a bonding experience, too.

Hi K.Z.

Contact the La Leche League. They have resource mothers to help you become successful.

www.lllusa.org/VA/WebTidewaterVA

Keep doing your best. Sometimes it takes Moms longer than others.

Good luck. D.

I know how you feel. My son (who is 5 now) would not breast feed either. I wanted to and tried. I was so fustrating, and the lactician in the hospital was no help, she just made it worse and very stressful. But I accepted it and my son was very healthy and happy. So hang in there, it will get better!

Since he is having nipple confusion have you thought about pumping & feeding him your milk in a bottle that way he is still getting the good stuff?

Don't beat yourself up for something that you have very little control over. So many formulas are closely matched in nutrition to breastmilk. If you would like to, keep trying and see what happens. But don't let guilt eat away at you -- simply enjoy whichever way baby decides to eat/feed.

I have been there!! With my first son, I got sick about 2 weeks after he was born and was unable to breastfeed due to medical tests. As a result I also had to supplement with formula, and cried because I felt so guilty. I ended up getting a hand pump and used it because he would not nurse, he got to used to bottles. I think it's wonderful that you still want to provide breastmilk for your son, just get a simple hand pump and he will still benefit from your milk, even if you have to use formula sometimes. Good Luck!

Why don't you pump the bmilk, then bottle feed it to him. Don't feel guilty, you've done what your baby needed. I had the same issue & my son is very healthy & great.

KZ.....You should not feel guilty about it at all....I know some people are really pro-breastfeeding(I am and I am also a nurse, and some people do not produce enough milk, babies don't latch on, there are can be alot of different factors that may prevent it from happening, but it is nobody's fault). Yes breastfeeding is good for the baby's immune system, and has been said to help with allergies; if you ar ereally determined to do this, you can do it, but it will take a little work on your part, and it may even become frustrating for you and baby....try to find a La Leche League person, they are usually free, they will tell you how, when, why, they are very knowledgable. Also, know, the more you feed the more milk you will make....it is produced on a demand basis...so if you only feed periodically, then you will not produce an abundance. What can help with this is, if you have a pump, manual or electric, just something to express the milk. This will build your supply....I breastfed both my sons....the first would feed on the breast or breastmilk from the bottle that I had frozen, or supplemental, it didn't matter to him at all. My second, I thought I would buy an electric dual pump, needless to say, I had a huge supply of frozen breastmilk, but he would not take anything from the bottle, only breast. So, it really varies. And if it turns out that he just has no interest, that is okay also. Please don't let anyone pressure you or make you feel bad or guilty for not breastfeeding. You don't owe anyone a reason or explanation, for what you do or don't do reagrding that, with your own child. Good luck whichever way you go.
CCrn1969

Please, please do not feel guilty about something you have no power over!! I, too, wanted to breastfeed, but between a child who couldn't suck properly and breasts that apparently were only designed to be ornamental (I could never produce more than 2 oz. at a time, even with round-the-clock pumping), I had to switch entirely to formula feeding. Is breastfeeding ideal? Absolutely! Does it sometimes not work? Absolutely! We tried everything -- lactation specialists, pumping, etc., but finally gave up and switched to the bottle. Best thing we ever did -- the stress and anxiety were gone, I knew my daughter was eating well, and we felt just as close to her (if not closer) than when we were struggling to get her to nurse.

My daughter is now a beautiful, smart, sassy 8-year-old who loves her mommy & daddy almost as much as we love her!

Dear KZ-

I have 7 kids...all were breastfed but the youngest...twins...who spent extended time in NICU...THAT is another story...

My eldest son was born in germany...I had read ALL books on pregnancy...breast feeding...etc. Was gonna be the best mom ever!! Natural all the way! Son ended up as an emergency C section. So much for MY plans! It took a while for milk to come in...and in the german hospital...he was my 'room mate' and I was literally 'breast to baby' almost 24/7...BUT..the nurses DID take him at some points (showers...etc) and gave him a bottle using a NUK nipple (do they still make them?). It had something in it called 'kinder tea'...a few weeks later...back in states...I found out it was from fennel...had some 'gas relief' properties I guess.

Son never had nursing issues...I think because the 'kinder tea' was not some imitation of mom's milk. It gave him a little 'something'...It also paved the way for someone else to give him 'something'...and not have to be attached to me all the time. He also learned...cause it was NOT milk...if he wanted MILK...had to work harder for that!

I have never seen 'kinder tea' stateside...but ex hubby was back often enough to bring back some for all but the twins. For them I pumped...but other health issues made that impossible.

PLEASE Do NOT feel guilty! I hope that la leche may be able to provide some other suggestions...But is is nice that you have other options...

TC
Michele/catwalk

KZ -- you should do whatever your mother's instinct tells you to do. I tried to breastfeed my now 5 week old baby and it just wasn't in the cards. He was born weighing 7 lb 11 oz and we breastfed exclusively for the 3 days we were in the hospital and the first couple of days at home. My son lost 11 oz in those first 3 days so when we took him home he weighed an even 7 lb. By the time we went back to the doctor the following week, he'd lost another oz and was down to 6lb 15 oz. That's when I said enough. My baby needed to eat and he was obviously not getting what he needed from me. I felt horrible and cried and cried -- both from the guilt of giving up and the guilt of letting it get to the point where my already tiny baby had lost almost a pound. I tried pumping but could never get more than a half an ounce so my husband and I finally decided that the most important thing was that my son was eating and it didn't matter anymore where it came from -- me or the bottle. We took him back to the ped after 2 weeks for a weight check and would you believe the little piglet was up to 8 lb 5 oz! That was all I needed to hear to know that we made the right decision to give up on the breast and go with the formula.

I know everyone will tell you not to feel guilty, so I won't do that. Most people assume that breasfeeding won't work for them, or they can't produce enough because they can't pump enough. That's a load of bull, because you simply do not produce as much for a pump as you do for baby. Please don't think I'm trying to be harsh, because I'm not.

I will tell you that I had the same problem with my first- bad latch, and I had flat nipples to make the problem worse. I ended up giving a bottle, and added nipple confusion to the mix. We suffered through the first few weeks until we figured it out. Most of that time was spent with a screaming baby, and me crying.

While guilt is not very productive, I will give you some ideas to try. If you need more suggestions, you can contact me. I absolutely hate to see women stressed over nursing their kids, when some knowledge that I have may be enough to help them.

First, let me say that if you do need a break, don't feel guilty about it. Reassure yourself if you only give a bottle at a meal that you will try again next time. A baby WILL NOT latch well with a stressed mother.

Try nursing before baby is actively hungry. Just hold them in the right position, and let baby play with the nipple if need be. All of my kids kind of "seduce" the nipple- it's a trick to get a let down with minimal work, they might mouth, lick, or otherwise play at the breast. That's all ok. If baby is feeling comfortable at the breast, then that's better that baby is relaxed- it creates the feeling that breast is good. My babies all played at the breast before getting to the more serious work of eating.

Do not hold the back of the head directly while trying to nurse. Support at the neck, or sides of the head. Most of the books and LCs will tell you to wait for baby's mouth to open, and then yank the baby on as fast as possible. That doesn't necessarily work for everyone- none of my kids would allow that, they all had to latch themselves.

If baby gets too hungry while you are working at relaxing and allowing things to happen, go ahead and give formula or pumped milk. Use an eye dropper- not a bottle. Try to only give enough to get rid of the worst of the hunger, and then try to latch again.

If you have flat or inverted nipples, you might try pumping or nipple stimulation before you attempt to latch the baby, to make the nipple easier to find.

Another trick to help nipple confusion, let the baby suck on your finger. No paci, no bottle, just finger. It gets them used to the feel of skin.

If baby just isn't moving their tongue out of the way, try this nifty trick:
Hold the baby at the breast, with you unclothed and ready to nurse. Let baby suck on your finger, with the nail of your finger towards their tongue. After a minute or so of finger sucking, quickly turn your finger over and pull it out of their mouth, pressing their tongue down at the same time. Quickly try to latch while they are looking for something to suck on to replace the finger.

Hopefully some of the suggestions that I have left will help you. For me, the only way to get rid of my guilt is to try everything I possibly can.

Also, try contacting La Leche League. They were a great help to me with my first.

Breastfeeding is not always possible, and your husband is right. Don't worry about it! Your baby will be just fine with formula too.

I breastfed my first son 3 months, second son 6 weeks. They both got the first breastmilk, which was more important anyways. Today they are both very intelligent young men, so the benefits of breastmilk are arguable.

Relax, and enjoy your beautiful baby!

KZ,
Don't feel guilty. I stop nursing my first two boys by 8months. I decided with my third that I would go until he was a year old. At 7 months "we" started having issues, so I thought. It turns out, he was done nursing. Life was too exciting to stay latched on. He was a little guy so I felt that he needed to be nursed but he and his pediatrician disagreed.

You could try pumping and giving your baby breast milk in his bottle. Then when he has had a bit to eat and you are relaxed,try getting him to latch on. I wouldn't try for more than a few minutes at a time. If it doesn't work, then you have tried.

In the big picture, you will have so much more to contend with. Be glad that it is only breastfeeding right now. Your baby is healthy, your 3 yr old is active, and your husband is caring. You have it good. Don't waste the time fretting over that which you cannot change. Best of luck to you.

Dear KZ, dont feel guilty. We, as mothers have enough on our plates and don't let things that are out of your control get you down. I breast fed my first son till he was 14 months old. With the second one, when I stopped night feeding at six months, I stopped making enough milk. I was so shocked. Within days, my son was only on formula and my milk had dried out. I had intended on day feeding for a while longer. I was worried about his immune system and etc, but what could I do? He is perfectly fine. And so will be your precious baby. : )
BTW, have you tried pumping? I never had much luck with that, but so many others seem to.

First of all, don't feel guilty! You are doing the best that you can for your baby. How old is your little boy right now? If he is still pretty young, you may have success at getting him back on the breast. If he is already 4-6 months it may be harder and with your 3 year old you may not have the ability to put all your energy into reintroducing him...Are you able to pump? If you can't get him to nurse perhaps you can at least pump the breastmilk. Nursing is an emotional attachment for moms as well as the little ones, but if he can't nurse, perhaps you can just feel comfortable knowing he is getting your nutritious milk. Are there any times when he is likely to go ahead and nurse. In the mornings, you have a high level of prolactin and your milk is probably at its fullest. Perhaps he would feed in the morning bc the milk would flow better. Alternatively, perhaps at night (or middle of the night feedings) when he is really sleepy he might just take whatever is given to him. I would say try to pump when you can (also helps keep your supply going), and try feeding him throughout the day to find the times when he seems likely to take to you. If you really wanted to be serious and get him back on the breast, I've read people who have done it -- but its very time consuming. You have to commit (and your husband commit) to not using any bottles so that he realizes that if he doesn't eat from you, he's not getting fed...so, it would turn into a round the clock feeding battle until he figures it out. I think it only takes 1-3 days to do it. Obviously, you'd need help with your three year old. Whatever you decide will work with your situatin, do NOT feel guilty about it. Best of luck.

You are not failing! You are just having a hard time. And it is totally normal. Have you thought about pumping? I have a friend who had lots of trouble with nursing and latching, but was able to pump a lot and ultimately was able to keep her daughter in breast milk for more than a year with pumping.

The other thing you need to remember is that even if you are only nursing once or twice a day, your son is getting some breastmilk and all of the benefits of it. Some is better than none and there are plenty of healthy kids out there who never got any breatmilk.

I am a huge proponent of breastfeeding, but also think that you have to do what works best for you. My son had a lot of trouble latching at first and it was so upsetting. My son was also a big eater so by about six months I had to supplement with formula because I couldn't pump enough during the day for the next day. Like I said I have at least one friend that pumped exclusively. You just have to figure out what works best for you and your son.

Good luck.

First of all, you don't have to breastfeed evey hour! The APA recommends 2-3 hours at first and then 3-3 1/2 hours a little later on. Have you considered paying for one lactation specialist consultant? The amount of money you spend is about one can of formula...well worth it!!

Hi,
I can relate to your situation. My daughter is now 3 years old. When she was born she was tongue tied and couldn't latch on properly. After a few days the doctors made the decison to clip the piece of skin and she was fine. During the time prior to the procedure she was not getting enough from me since she was not latched on properly and we had to supplement in the hospital with formula. I thought this would only be temporary until my milk came in but by the time we got home from the hospital my 3 day old daughter wanted nothing to do with me and would cry until we gave her a formala bottle. I felt so guilty that I was just crying all of the time with her. My family (who are old school) and didn't value the benefits of nursing told me it was not a big deal and to just give her formula. At that point I felt like I had failed my daughter and she would not get the health beneifts that she needed. Well, I am happy to let you know that she is a very healthy 3 year old and much to my surprise was much healthier even during day care than my friends child who was breast fed until 1 year of age. I know there are many benefits to breast feeding but if it doesn't work for you or your child do not let it stress you out. Your little one will be fine either way!

I know exactly how you feel. With my first (3 yrs old now) I tried for 6 months, but always had to supplement. All the women in my family and all friends had NO problems with breastfeeding. My milk was not enough, but I was determined to "Keep it up". Every breastfeeding was a struggle for her and not a pleasant, calm experience. I tried pumping, but after 2 oz in one day, I realized that wasn't going to work either. I just had my second child (4 months now) and I tried for 4 days to breastfeed, but it never was a good experience (not enough milk therefore he didn't pee, latching on etc) My advise is your child feels your stress and it is not worth it. I felt horrible with the first child for not succeeding, but the second one I realized my child would be healthy on formula. As a result he is a much calmer child, and I am much more satisfied. Please, don't push yourself. If it's not working, that's OK! It's not your fault. Some people do not have the ability to breastfeed , and thats ok. Being a good Mom means doing what's best for both of you and that might mean formula. Best wishes! T. W.

My sister in law had trouble with her first born latching on as well and she ended up using a nipple shield. It is just a simple shield that is placed over your nipple and shaped like a regular bottle nipple on the baby's end that way the child doesn't get confused anymore and you are still able to nurse. I am not positive where to get them, my SIL got them through her baby's doctor so maybe you can talk to yours about them. Hope this helps.
Good Luck mama and don't let this get you down.

Hi.
You have to look at the fact that he will take a bottle as a good thing. This means that your hubby, or a babysitter will be able to share and bond in the feedings. It gives you some options. Just becuase your son won't nurse from you doesn't mean that he can't drink your milk. Pump into storage bottles and then transfer them to the bottles that he is used to or will accept. Best of both worlds if you ask me! (which ya did :-) )
M.

I totally feel your pain. With my 10yr old bf'ing was a breeze. Even tho she self weened around 6months. Then 8yrs later I had 2 more kids and bf'ing no longer was a breeze. My kids also had latching problems. With my daughter it was very traumatic. My husband had deployed when she was 3 days old so I was stressed and emotional to start with. But I fought and struggled daily. I would pump to compensate. Then torture myself all day long trying to get her to feed properly. It didnt work. I wont say I failed or she didnt cooperate...it just didnt work. I AM NOT A FAILURE. My boobs for some reason wouldnt put out a good nipple for her like they used to 8yrs ago, and they are exactly the same boobs, lol. So after traumatizing myself for a few weeks I stopped. Then came my son 14months later. I tried again and was even less successful. This time I chose not to drag it out and punish myself. AFter a few days of crying and trying, I stopped.
MY children did not suffer in any way, formula was just fine for them.
All you can do is try, but if its not working then dont torture yourself. I dont really consider it nipple "confusion", they know what nipple they prefer....the bottle. Its way easier for them. THey arent confused. Thats how my oldest weaned herself was by prefering the 1 bottle she got while I worked at night.
You can always try the nipple shields. They worked for me for a time. But dont feel guilty. You have to get past that and move on and just be the best mom you know how.

Don't feel guilty! Society tries hard enough to make us feel like we are bad moms without convincing ourselves that we are. I had the same problems and I used a nipple shield. They are cheap, you can get them at Babys R Us and I don't care what anyone says about the downsides to them the nipple shield allowed me to get into a good breastfeeding rhythm with my son. After a few months when we got a little more adept and had more control we stopped using it and he nursed right up until he was 22 months old. The nipple shield is kind of a pain because it has to be washed and toted around ( I carried it in my huband's old retainer case) but once it is on and your son can latch onto a familiar feeling nipple (since it is very similar to a bottle) he might just take to it. I just used a little bit of that lanolin cream to help keep it in place but it will work fine with a little bit of expressed milk or other moisture. And don't listen to people who say it can weaken your milk supply. It helped to increase mine by increasing my son's nursing habits. You can also see milk in the reservoir tip so you know you have good milk flow, which is reassuring. Good for you for making the effort. I had a terrible time getting us started but I am very glad I made the effort. You are doing a great job!

Any little bit of breast milk your son has gotten has put him ahead of the game as far as all the good stuff you have to offer that formula doesn't have... but please don't feel guilty. Of course, breast milk is best for him, but stress is way worse than just formula! Reduce your stress by giving yourself a break. If nursing is not working out, that's OK. Your son will grow to be big and strong on formula, too.

I planned on nursing my two boys as well, but I simply don't make enough... after trying everything from allowing him to nurse at will and for however long he wanted to hand expressing in between, to a hospital grade pump... I only got an ounce combined. My first one actually started losing weight before I agreed to switch to formula, but he (and I) was extremely happy with the change. I tried again with my second boy, same thing happened, but I didn't wait as long to make the switch. I would have preferred to nurse them both for a year each, but it didn't work out. I gave myself permission to be upset about that for about a minute, then went on to raise my boys... happy and healthy on formula.

You tried, and that's important. Now give your family your all without the guilt. You're doing the right thing.

There's absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. My daughter tried to breastfeed all 4 of her children, 2 did fine and the other 2 were totally not interested at all in it (they would not latch on). All children are different. If you want this baby to have the same nutrients, then just pump and fill the bottles for your little man. Remember, by you being emotional about this, your baby can sense and feel this too, so just relax and enjoy cuddling with him while he bottlefeeds. Wishing you the best!

Sometimes breastfeeding just doesn't work out. You gave it your best. You could decide to pump and give the baby your milk in a bottle if you really want the benefit of the breastmilk. Also, I think that nipple confusion could be the problem or it could be just the baby doesn't have to work as hard sucking on the bottle. If you have a lactation consultant to speak to they may be able to help. You can sometimes supplement while breastfeeding with a tube by your nipple so the baby is getting breastmilk and formula. That way he isn't getting frustrated with the extra work and awaiting a let down. But really if it doesn't work out he will be okay! Best of luck!

Why don't you pump and then give it to him in the bottle? That way he'll still get the health benefits of nursing. Don't feel guilty. If you did everything you could, then there's nothing to feel guilty about.

KZ,

Check out "Defining Your Own Success: Breastfeeding after Breast Reduction" (http://www.amazon.com/Defining-your-Own-Success-Breastfee.... I know the focus is on breastfeeding after a reduction, but it should also help with the guilt. I am hoping to be able to breastfeed, but had a major breast reduction years ago. I'm reading this book and am hoping to define my success any way I can.

Good luck,

K.

Check out the lactation consultants at the Breastfeeding Center for Greater Washington, they are really great.

I can relate to how you feel. During my first pregnancy, I took a breastfeeding class, read books and articles, watched videos, etc... I got all the info. I could find on breastfeeding and just knew that I was prepared to breastfeed for at least 6 months to a year. Well, the baby was born and he would latch on, but only for a few seconds. He would stop and get frustrated, crying profusely because he wasn't getting milk fast enough. This went on for a couple of weeks. I was crying, he was crying and it just wasn't working. I felt so disappointed and guilty that I wasn't able to nurse him like I wanted. Finally, my husband said it was okay if I wanted to stop breastfeeding and try a bottle. And he was right- it was okay. I needed to hear that it was o.k. As I'm sure you're finding out, things don't always go as planned, especially with kids. Our job as mothers is not to be perfect or make sure every thing else is perfect. It is to love and nurture our kids and there is more than one way to do this. Cut yourself some slack and know that every child is different. I successfully nursed my second son for 9 months, until he practically weaned himself. Both boys are happy and healthy! Maybe you, like me, just need somebody to say it's okay if you want to stop trying to breastfeed. So, here's me saying "It's okay!"

I, too, have had issues with breastfeeding our daughter. At times, we have had to supplement with formula. I pump milk for my husband/me to feed to her in a bottle. If there is an issue of nipple confusion, may I recommend breastfeeding with a nipple shield -- your son will get your valuable breastmilk while he has the sensation of a nipple similar to a bottle. Our lactation consultant suggested the use when my daughter had issues in the beginning with latching on. Now, I occasionally use the shield if she has shows issues with latching on -- getting rarer as she is adjusting to bottles AND breast. Try to provide pumped milk as much as possible if your son just won't latch on. Good luck!

K Z,

Please do NOT feel guilty about it. You are doing the BEST that you can as a mother and that is what really counts. One suggestion would be for your to pump milk when you can so that your baby is still getting benefits of your milk but can drink it from the bottle even if you have to supplement. Plan to pump several times a day - whatever that number is 2 or 4 times and keep those times consistent so that you can maintain your supply. Try to plan a couple of those around when the older one is napping or doing some activity that keeps him very occupied.

Lots of luck! No matter what your kids sound like they have a loving and caring mom and that is the most important thing.

M.

Please don't feel guilty. I struggled for 5 1/2 months trying to breastfeed my daughter. The members of my family who found breastfeeding easy literally yelled at me when I would give my daughter a bottle. Even my husband told me I was doing everything wrong. I discovered a year after I quite trying to breastfeed that I have no let-down reflex (long story). My daughter would start crying and my milk would dry up. I'd try to nurse her and she had to do all the work (which was way to hard) since the milk wouldn't squirt into her mouth. The only way I got any milk out at all was to pump at the highest setting. Then I thought it tasted and smelled awful; I have no idea why she would drink it (maybe my chemistry was off). I decided to go with formula the day she was just fooling around and wasn't interested in the breast at all. My daughter turned out fine, even though she was mostly formula fed. When I was born I was given formula, and I think I'm okay.

If breastfeeding is torture for you and your son, you don't have to keep at it. It just makes you anxious around your son, which isn't good for bonding. You might try pumping, but don't feel guilty if that doesn't work for you. There are plenty of other things you will feel guilty about in the future. By the bye, formula has tried to improve over the years.

It has been my experience that women who find breastfeeding easy just don't understand or sympathize with women who find breastfeeding hard. Just bear this in mind if you contact the La Lache League.

A.

I can't tell you how close to home your note is. I can give you two lines of advice. One that follows what your husband says, and the other that says DON't give up! Here's why: I ran into a similar situation with my second, and I can't tell you how many tears I have shed over this. I nursed my first for nearly a year (through an initial 8 weeks of shocking pain and followed by pride and satisfaction) and intended to provide the same to my son. But for some reason (I have theories) I could never stablize my milk production... I tried everything. Every two weeks I would lose my milk and somehow miraculously recover it only to lose it again and experience guilt and angst every time. About 3.5 months in, and after returning to work, I finally decided that I couldn't handle the ups-and-downs, that I had REALLY tried the best I could and that I needed to let go. It wasn't easy, and every time this little guy gets the sniffles (which my first NEVER did) I get a little twinge of guilt. Here's the truth. The guilt is in me, for me only to release. If I am addicted to guilt, that's a way of life, that will create problems for me throughout motherhood. Did I feed them well enough? Did I research schools enough? Did I save enough for their schooling? Am I being balanced in my parenting approach (to stern, too best-friend-ish?)?? I decided that I had to learn to release the guilt, rather than worry about the milk. You're doing the best you can. Be assured there are millions and millions of wonderful healthy people out there raised on formula from the 1950's through today. Some of them are friends of ours, maybe even our parents. It's okay. So, that said, it's TOTALLY up to you to decide what really matters to you and dedicate your heart, mind, and soul to making it happen. It still may not happen, in which case you have to know you did your best and that it was not God's will that it should be the way you desired. Maybe you can make up for it in hugs (research says this boosts immune systems too!) and kisses. Go in peace.

Oh my goodness! Breast feed by all means. Be more stubborn than your baby. If you switch up, he'll become gassy. Of course he likes the formula better. It's so sweet. Call your local La Leche consultant or contact a lactation consultant through your pediatrician.

in the mean time try the pumping and bottle feeding. but look into if he has a tongue tie or not. having it clipped might solve the latching problem. but if it's not tongue tie try the Medela Contact Nipple Shield-here's the link http://www.target.com/gp/search/601-###-###-####-###-###-...
i get mine from target. my son doesnt have a latching problem but for some reason my nipple wont come out far enough even though i dont have inverted or flat nipples. the lactation consultant recommended that i try this nipple shield. it is the only way i can nurse him. but for the first 5 weeks before i tried it i had to pump and bottle feed him.

dont beat yourself up. you're doing a great job! best of luck...

Pump!!! I wanted to continue with my son and he stopped at 5 1/2 months, so I stopped trying. I did not pump when he stopped unless I absolutely needed to for only a couple of minutes but it still took me 2 months to dry up. I looked back and wished I would have continued to pump and give him both formula and breastmilk but now I know what I will do if this happens with my next child. Whatever you do, do not feel guilty, you child has been able to get some milk which is better than none. Just the fact that you are concerned shows that you are a good caring mother.

Sweetie, you need to have his tongue checked, if her is tongue tied that would be the reason!
Sounds like you've done all you can, NO need to feel guilty but I would still pursue it. there has to be a reason!!

He could just be confused between the different sucking actions it takes to nurse and bottle feed.
Keep in Touch!

First know you are doing nothing wrong. I can understand feeling guilty, I did with both of my kids. I would recommend seeing a lactation consultant or some place like La Leche to see if they can give you any tips or ideas on how to try and improve his latching skills. If that doesn't work would you consider pumping? My oldest couldn't figure out how to latch so I pumped for 3 months until it got to be way too painful and had to stop. My youngest was born 5 weeks early and spent some time in the NICU. By the time I was able to start trying to nurse him he was already used to the bottle and wanted nothing to do with the big squishy thing I kept shoving in his face. I only pumped for about 2 months this time because I wasn't producing nearly enough (sometimes only 2 ounces total), it was quite painful, and I had a very active 3 year old to chase all day. Bottom line is you need to do what's best for you and your family - no regrets.

K. - SAHM of 2 boys, 5 and 2

I had breastfeeding issues as well, and felt the same way!!! Try not to let it get to you. I had a preemie who had to be bottle fed at first to make sure he was eating enough and then wouldn't switch to the breast. I kept trying and pumped, even though I produced very little. I felt so concerned that he NEEDED that breast milk that I spent almost all my time pumping and feeding him. It was crazy!!! When I look back now, I can see that I was so worried about NOTHING. I finally gave up trying after 2 months and fed him only formula. He was (and is) perfectly healthy-healthier than many people I know who breastfed for a year, and smarter too.

First of all you are not failing. When my daughter was born I wanted to breastfeed too and tried but could not. It does not mean your not a good mom if you cannot breastfeed my sister use to say and she breastfed both of her children. We justhave to remember not two children are the same you said you were able to breastfeed your first one not the second your still a good mom to care so much.

Hi K,

I felt the same way when I had to stop breastfeeding my children. My first I only breastfed for 8 weeks because I wasn't allowed to take enough breaks to pump at work, and I lost my milk supply. My second I stopped after like 4 weeks because he was such a fussy baby that I thought changing him to formula would help him (which it really didn't). My 3rd I had to stop when I got pregnant again and I lost my milk. I nursed her for about 4.5 mos. I was most guilty with her because I was so set on nursing the whole year. But, if your son has nipple confusion, and you still want him to have breastmilk, my suggestion would be to pump as often as you can to keep a milk supply, and just feed him out of the bottle. You wont have the same bonding experiences, but he will still get the much needed nutrition that comes from only breastmilk. Pumping isn't as great as nursing, but it's better than nothing. Also, you can just keep trying. What kind of nipple are you using on the bottles? I used the wide nipples with my youngest so that she wouldn't have nipple confusion (or the risk of her getting it would be minimized). Please don't feel too guilty if this doesn't work. There are so many mothers out there that cannot breast feed for one reason or another. If it doesn't work out for you, then you need to try to accept it & not let it upset you too much. Good luck & God bless!

I can sympathize with how you feel. I wanted to breastfeed my son for at least the first 6 months. As soon as I went back to work my milk started to dry up and he was not getting enough to satisfy him. I agonized for weeks over stopping and continued to try only be more frustrated. I finally decided that I had to do what was best for him and that was to switch to formula. The important thing is that your son is getting enough to eat and that everyone is getting enough rest. And if that means going with formula it is OK. As long as he is healthy and happy you are doing the right thing.

Hi, KZ. I desperately wanted to breastfeed as well. I had twin girls and we just couldnt seem to get it right. I was frustrated - they were frustrated. In the end, we went to bottles and they were so much happier. Don't feel guilty!! As long as the baby is happy with the bottle and he is thriving, that is what is important. I felt guilty at first as well, but once I realized how happy and satisfied they were, I just moved on and never looked back.

I completely understand how you feel. I had only one side my son could latch onto good so I had to pump the other side. Still I didn't seem to produce enough to make him happy, so I felt like I was not giving him the best. I started to pump both sides and nurse him when he would take it but eventually he only wanted the bottle. I told myself at least he is getting the best milk even though it was coming from a bottle and not directly from me. After awhile that become tiring with pumping so I had to supplement with formula - very hungery little one. I had a few other moms tell me that they had the same problem - one child would breastfeed great then the other would not latch on good so it seems that this is not uncommon. With all that being said don't feel bad we all seem to experience something different with each little one we have.

be strong....you will feel guilty because you know that breast is bestim breast feeding for the 3rd time...recently i wanted to quit because my nipples would split and oh my god the pain was terable when she would latch on. everyone will try to get you to quit beause, they themselves probably couldnt do it...all i can do is say is You Can Do It. right now im breastfeeding my two month old and i know how tempting it is to just shake up a bottle for her....i'm actually breastfeeding right now typing one handed...my first baby had nipple confusion, due to pumping and feeding from a bottle...it was terable, but i had to chose which one i wanted my baby to get use to and use only one or the other and i chose my own breast...its not easy and it is one of the hardest things you will do in your life...please stick to it...use what the lord has given you, not something man made, which you dont know what the longterm effects will be. i have a three year old boy a 1 and a half old boy and a 2 month old girl...a stay at home mom with a home business....if i can do it you can do it...you wont regret it...best of luck and god bless you, thru this hard time

I had a hard time nursing my second son, he also would not latch on correctly. So I ended up pumping all the time and just letting him take my milk in a bottle. As long as he is getting breast milk it shouldn't matter if it's in a bottle or you are nusring him. Good luck!

Before my son was born, my mother asked me if I was going to feel like a failure if I was not able to breastfeed. I told her absolutely. As it turns out, my baby had difficulty latching on and the pediatrician told us to supplement. Well, my wonderful husband went out and got a pump, but I was beside myself that I was failing as a mother. My lactation consultant gave me a nipple sheild. My son took to the nipple sheild immediately. It was two and a half months of using the nipple shield before he decided he'd take the breast. I haven't needed the sheild again since. We still pump and bottle feed him when I'm going to be away, but he now prefers the breast. Don't feel guilty. As someone in my Mother-Baby group says, "Don't let the diaper fool you. The baby's in charge." And if you keep working at it, he'll let you know when he's ready. But if you can get your hands on a couple of nipple sheilds, they're a life-saver!

www.lalecheleague.org is a wonderful and incredibly helpful and effective resource when a mama is having troubles of any kind with breastfeeding. They can line you up with a local LLL leader who can help you work through your problems. These volunteer leaders are often far more educated than doctors or lactation consultants when it comes to breastfeeding issues, and their help is free. There are also local meetings held, for moms to go to just to learn more about parenting in a gentle and intuitive way, which of course includes breastfeeding. I attended them for a few years when the older ones of my five kids were small, and they empowered me greatly and I learned soooo much about effective b-feeding that I had never sourced before in all my reading. They also have a forum online for mamas: http://forums.lalecheleague.org/

I wish you the best of luck. I think your gut/intuition is telling you to persevere with nursing your baby, and I believe that help is available to you to empower you toward this noble and really brilliant goal you have. I hope you'll let us know how it works out for you :)

Hugs,
JennyC.