Feeling Guilty - Aurora,CO

Like some of the other responses I had a friend tell me that she and her husband would let each other know when they found someone else attractive, wether it was a movie star or co-worker. Then there are no secrets. It is completly normal and everyone does it.

Hi LM,

I thought I'd look for an excerpt from and expert and below is one thing I found. I'd encourage you to sign up for a free newsletter at marriagepartnership.com to be able to feed committed thoughts into your mind and heart on a regular basis. I've read the magazine for years but they just printed their last issue and it's all online now including archived articles from years past.

You aren't bad, Friend, but you could do something bad if you don't put up some serious safeguards immediately. You really do have to think through all you could lose to really want to block this man out. It could get ugly, quickly. Not worth it. I hope the Q&A below will encourage you and stay the course!

Hugs

Attracted to Another Man
Q. My husband and I have been married for six years. While I really love him and am still attracted to him, I'm also attracted to another man. I know they always say the grass is greener on the other side, but is something wrong with me? I've never been attracted to another man; my husband is my world. How do I fight this temptation?

A. The fact that you find other men attractive doesn't mean your marriage is in trouble. It only means you're normal. The day Carrie doesn't find some man more attractive in some way than me is the day I'll have some serious concerns about her eyesight or her honesty!

But there's a difference between being attracted to someone and choosing to dwell on that attraction. The mind is the battleground for the heart. The Enemy knows that if we choose to focus our attention or set our mind on something we shouldn't, it won't be long before we'll act on those thoughts. The road to duplicity, self-deception, and betrayal is paved with very small steps in the wrong direction.

Attraction can lead to attention, which can lead to fantasy, which can lead to sin. When you allow yourself to dwell on the attributes of another man, this will inevitably breed dissatisfaction with the man God's given you. If you don't guard your thoughts, over time you'll find yourself becoming more negative, critical, and irritated by your husband's little habits or characteristics that never bothered you before.

Just look at how King David in the Bible handled a similar situation: David's problem wasn't that he found Bathsheba attractive. His problem came when he chose to pay attention to her and fantasize about her. His next step was then to go after her.

If David had used the approach Joseph did in Genesis 39—which was to run from the sexual temptation of Potiphar's wife—he'd have saved himself and his loved ones enormous pain.

When you find yourself attracted to another man, you can acknowledge that that's a normal part of life. But then choose not to allow that attraction to go any further. Choose to apply Colossians 3:2, which tells us to set our minds on things above. Thank God for your husband and for the marriage he's given you. Take mental note of your husband's strengths. Recall some of the moments of kindness and tenderness you've shared. And remember that your husband is God's provision for you as a life mate.

It is normal to have fantasies or to find other men attractive. We are human and you have nothing to feel guilty about. Most people would never admit it, but I am sure at some point we all have had adult crushes. As long as it stays a crush and you do nothing to act on it there is nothing wrong and you are not a bad person just very normal.

Are you sure everything is ok with you and your husband? You have allowed your self some emotional infedelity in a way, even if the other party is unaware. Maybe things have settled down in your life and you need some distraction? Maybe try to focus on something else like an activity just for you. Working full time and raising kids is hard work, you probably don't get much time that is just for you so maybe this is a guilty pleasure? Or maybe an unresolved issue for you because I have to tell you I won't even look at other men and go there at all. Maybe some counseling just for you? You are human, just be honest with yourself, and your husband.

It's okay. Our thoughts do not determine who we are as much as our actions do. When I have thoughts I do not like, I do not entertain them. What I mean is, a thought pops in my head...right? That just happens. It's my choice whether I keep thinking about it or not. Staying in the moment and conciously concentrating on what I am doing right then...making myself think of the actual moment I'm in takes away those thoughts. It can be difficult, but it works. You are a human being...there is nothing wrong with that. One rule I love is 'don't take yourself so seriously'. Accept your thoughts...accept that you have them...oh, there goes my head again! It's not the thought that makes things hard or difficult...it's the FEAR of the thoughts. And then make yourself not entertain those thoughts. Works for me!

It's our thoughts that lead us to action. Be very careful to not dwell on these thoughts. When they come, redirect yourself toward your husband and what you wrote about him ... "I love my husband and he is such a good man. I would never do anything to put our marriage in jeopardy." If you don't do this, you are playing with fire... you could end up trying to "find out" if this guy is attracted to you in anyway and that will only lead the guilt to broken lives and heartache. You are the only one who can control these thoughts.

This is not at all unusual. Many people spend more time in close contact with co-workers than with their spouse. All human relations have some sexual attraction basis, it's just how we are wired. Fantasy is just that, it's not real. Find some ways to spend more time with your husband. Have some fun together. Create some romance. Talk about your husband at work occasionally, text him sexy messages during the day, do things to keep your positve focus on your spouse. The fantasy will probably fade on it's own, if not, you're a big girl you don't have to do anything about it. You are in control of yourself and self aware. Don't dwell on it.

I don't think anyone makes it 20, 30, 50 years of marriage without bumps and obstacles along the way. Marriage is a roller-coaster. One day you think your husband is the sexiest man in the world and can do no wrong, the next you are irritated that he left the seat up and won't try to work on that gut... I think the challenge is remembering the big picture and knowing why we are in this relationship. I myself am having attraction issues with my husband of 9 years, but I look at the elders in my family and I know their marriages have stood many tests. The important thing is how you handle them. Take this crush as a message to stir up your marriage. Go somewhere new together, add some "spice" in the bedroom, Start taking long walks after dinner. Whatever you need to remind you why you are there. Good luck, don't feel guilty, just be pro-active in your marriage.

I had something similar once. What help me was finding out more about him, from friends. Once I got to see his personality, the attraction died right away.

I think everyone deals with this at some point, as long as you know you would never act on it and it doesn't distract you from your husband you'll be okay.