Feeling Disconnected and Down. . .

Hi P.,

First off, I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. HUGS to you.

I can share my experiences with you, and I hope it helps.

I have worked at home with children. I hated it. Once I got a full time job in an office, I felt like me again, and I love that. I have friends, I get to talk to adults, I get to be more than just Mom. I love being Mom and I love my kids, but I need to be ME too. Have you considered finding full-time employment outside of the home?

Also, I suffered from post-partum depression quite badly. Could you be having what amounts to untreated PPD?

Sending good thoughts & prayers your way!

Sometimes a flexible job is a curse.
What you're feeling is natural and normal.
This sounds so trite but you need a schedule! LOL
Some suggestions....
Freelance projects? I used to work on those after my son was in bed for the night. At 17 months, bedtime for him should be fairly early right?
Try taking 2-3 evenings to do the freelance.
You've already got your office trips covered. Maybe tack on an errand at the end of office duty--grocery shopping, scouting paint--whatever's on your list.
What time does your husband leave for the night shift? Traditional 11-7 shift? again--take advantage of those few hours after your son is in bed and before your husband leaves for work and do SOMETHING. A once per week class, book club, just go grab a decaf & read a book somewhere.
I think what might be going on is that you're "on duty" 24/7.
Sometimes a cup of tea and a book at a cafe can feel like a trip to the islands when we're overwhelmed.
At home. When you get up...get dressed--to the shoes.
Get the baby up, give him breakfast, fit you work in during his naps, when he's playing and a 30 minute DVD is not going to render his brain to oatmeal. Have the bones of a schedule--then work around it.
Check out www.flylady.net for some great tips (O. is to re-boot the laundry every morning--get clothes out of the dryer, put another load in the washer because it's not big deal to fold & put away O. lad of clothes even if it's every day. Your laundry pile then never gets to the Mt-Rushmore-I'll-Need-8-Hours-For-This size!)
LOVING the fact that you're taking a run for some me-time! What a great start.
Good luck!

Oh.....just hang in there....being a mom is just so awesome but it is a LOT of work.....I knew all along that I couldn't be a SAHM because I would get frustrated and end up being a bitter mom and wife.....just my personality.....so I work full time but my family is my top priority......so I will work meetings around dr's appointments and such....please do keep excercising it is just a good stress buster...could you step out during the day since your husband is at home and do something for yourself....I have a 17 month old too and I have given up on hobbies until he is 3-4 years old and I can explain to him where mommy is going and also he would be more self sufficient and easier for others to watch.......going to mommmy and me classes might help too.......as far as the house cleaning....can you call you mom one day and you focus on cleaning with your husband and then when it is all done try to maintain going forward........I am not suggesting a cleaning lady since you said finances are tight....but if you feel like burning the place down - paying $150 or so for a one time deep clean may be cheaper...good luck and hang in there! this too shall pass!!!!!

I second One and Done. You SO need a schedule. I'm a SAHM, and it is MUCH harder to get to the "I really need to do x one day..." stuff than the stuff with real deadlines: freelance work, appointments, errands, etc. those HAVE to get done... Therefore, your "I really should do x someday..." stuff ALWAYS GETS shoved out of sight out of mind-and not done.

In order for me to paint (for myself as well as for income-so count it like a freelance "from home" job) I HAD to schedule everything else. From necessities to leisure stuff for myself and the kids. For me, I'm useless after dinner. I had to just face it. Anything and everything had to be done before that. So I quit being a vampire, started going to bed early, got up early and got all my housework (one hour or so on SCHEDULED projects to be completed by DEADLINES I created-for instance if I wanted garage cleaned out, I did an hour per week for two months and SCHEDULED those hours into my day as well as scheduling the "real deadline"), then baby stuff (breakfast, dressing, playing, errands, park, lunch) and then for 2-3 hours after lunch (during nap and as kids got older I trained them to comply) I PAINTED. I usually had a deadline of a show or commission, but still I HAD to create the real time slot for myself daily, or at least x amount of days per week (SCHEDULED). Then at around 3-4pm, I'd do something fun with kids, park, whatever, make dinner...done for the day-leisure slot, TV, books, bed.

I got a LOT done that way. And I usually schedule things pretty much like that with whatever I need to do myself being done in afternoon for 2-3 hours. Now my oldest homeschools so we do all her lessons, music practice, etc before lunch. It really hasn't changed my life much from when she was a toddler, but I had to move work outs and errands to later slots (and housework gets fudged :) after my productive window in afternoon, and now I handle two younger sibs. But believe me, on weeks where I have slacked off and NOT scheduled stuff-sometimes in an effort to "relax"...I feel myself being pulled under and nothing gets done-and that is not relaxing, it is depressing.

You need a schedule. Embrace your shyness, but do try to reach out socially a bit. I don't socialize much, because with my schedule-I don't have time to hang out much! I'm fine with that actually. People who need to be social schedule their social time into the picture. Ask for help when you need it. If there are some HUGE messes at home making it impossible to cope, ask the hubs to watch kids and leave you alone for time slots on SCHEDULED days where you tackle that. Or ask to hire an organizer to work with you for just a couple of days. I can relate to tight budget and tight time; no sitters, no housekeeping help, no daycare, no fun shopping budget to get some clothes for yourself- no BREAK-it's the norm for so many of us, but sometimes you NEED to splurge on help or find a way to get the help from family or barter.

I kept my gym membership through thick and thin as a lifeline, and they have daycare-lifesaver!! Keep with your running! To be honest, you have a lot more support than I did-no family in our state and my husband travels most of the time-so I KNOW you can do it. Just try to count your blessings daily and schedule, schedule, schedule! Good luck, it hurts to feel the way you are, I've been there, you can turn it around!

I have been both the working mom and the SAHM. As nice as it is to be home with your kids all day, it can be very hard and lonely at times. If you went back to work full time, why do you say that you would only see him for 2 hours a day?? Wouldn't you still have mornings, late afternoon and evenings with him? Weekends and vacation time? Sick days that you can use for his doctor appts. or "mental health" days? Plus money to do things and lessen the stress of feeling broke. Don't doubt yourself so much about your skills and not being able to get a job, you just need to prepare yourself for all interview questions and sell yourself, be confident!

Either way, I would try to do something for yourself! You can make the time by making it a priority in your schedule. It will greatly benefit your health. What do you like to do? Then try to make it social. If it's running, look into a local running group...they're everywhere and have all levels and are always looking for runners. Maybe you could meet a few woman who also run in the AM and train for a race together. Don't worry about being an introvert, introverts have lots of friends too...! Maybe a book club or craft group...something that meets once a week would be good.

And for organizing, I would pick one project to do and start there. Maybe it's painting a wall. The feeling of accomplishment you get from completing one project can motivate you to keep going.

Thank you for posting this, because I think most of us as moms can relate. First of all, go get yourself on a low-dose anti-depressant. A serotonin boost will help make a big difference. And there's nothing wrong with adding more serotonin to your body. I take a low dose of prozac (generic is called fluoxetine.)
Secondly, for me, I found that the perfect balance is working part-time. Part-time being that I have one full day off per week (Tuesdays), and week days I work 8 a.m. to 3 p.m. It's easy to get stuck in the same job you've been doing for 6 years, but just try to force yourself to do some job hunting.
I actually feel way more motivated at home when I have more structure and am working 30 hrs per week.
Socially, it's so hard to get out, but you need to totally force yourself to try and find one good friend. It's awkward at first to ask someone you don't know very well to go out for a beer, or lunch, or to the park or whatever. But you will be so glad you did it. And once you get past those few uncomfy times, eventually you'll have a friend that you are comfortable with. This is such an important outlet.
*Hugs*

Keep up the running! Maybe find a 5k race in the next couple of months you can train for. Maybe go on Meetup.com and find a running group. Also, have you heard of MOPS groups? Google the word and you can find one in your area. They are groups who meet weekly/monthly and are young moms in your area looking for connections with other moms.

Hang in there and start building your support network. Blessings!

Relax....take a deep breath. Look around your home and be thankful you have a place to call home. Now, visualize how you want your space to be, look, feel. Take one room at a time and start cleaning while listening to your favorite music (trust me, this is good therapy). In the meantime, designate one room for play, clutter, junk, etc where you can just close the door if you don't like the view. Get your work space and your bedroom in order first. Why? If you're like me...I like having everything organized and when I don't it drives me nuts. So clean up your work area first...you'll find that you can work much more efficiently. Then make your bedroom your next priority...because after all...you need a calm, peaceful place to relax at the end of the day. Because you'll need a small break after deep cleaning these two rooms, take a day or two off from cleaning. The other areas of your home can be cleaned in this order....rooms that don't get used very often, the room where guests gather, bathrooms and save the high traffic kitchen area for last.
Start getting out more if you can. You deserve it! Being a mom, wife, employee, cook, housekeeper, nurse, etc is a lot of work. Do what you can and all that you can't...don't worry about it. Don't sweat the small stuff. And remember, Rome wasn't built in a day.

I highly recommend you fight that feeling of feeling selfish for taking “me” time and fill your “bucket” with your interests and needs. I found myself in a very similar situation not long after my second child. I felt like I was always giving, always being needed and I felt guilt for insisting on “me” time. My husband, unknowingly, would say things that made me thing one thing (even if he meant another). Finally about 4 years ago I pulled my head out and decided if I didn’t MAKE time for me there would never be any….I am a much nicer, funner, happier person and I can say my family is better off with me NOT spending every ounce of time of my time and energy on them. You’ve got to fight the feeling of guilt, I’m telling you.
I took up running and making time for me to exercise. It sounds like you already are a runner. This activity gives me two things…time to run with friends and talk about nothing and everything and time to get the endorphins going. There is something about running with friends, for me, that makes me feel connected…even if that connection is only an hour a couple times a week. Good luck.

I read this and realized I could have written this same question just a few months ago. I am sorry you are feeling this way. I think it is completely normal, and actually figuring this out for myself helped me feel a bit better. I think having kids is a huge adjustment and if you are working, especially part time, there is this feeling that you are not doing anything at 100%. I also have a flexible job which I am totally grateful for- can work from home, only go to the office a few days a week, etc but at the same time it was hard because I knew I was sacrificing work to some degree to take care of the kids at home, but also sacrificing time for the kids to be able to work. Then add housekeeping to that, trying to be good to my husband, etc and I felt like I just sucked at everything. And I took this feeling out on my family.
I am also introverted and do not have or need alot of friends, but at the same time, I highly recommend connecting with at least one person out there with kids so that you can talk about some of this together- so you realize you are not alone in feeling this way and that other people's lives are just as chaotic and they feel ground down soemtimes as well. I have a couple good friends out here with kids and getting together even once a month for drinks or lunch or coffee helped me ALOT. You could find a playgroup, or a bookclub, or a class, etc and just have that outlet for yourself.
I also think its a misconception that other people, at least those with kids, have time for travel and hobbies and stuff. I think alot of working moms feel this way because people show off things on facebook or whatever that are just a small fraction of their every day lives. When the kids are small, some times I think it is just a matter of getting through the days, but time goes by quickly and it gets better, especially as the kids get older and more independent. I hope this helps.....I know I was miserable just a few months ago feeling very similar but am doing much better now, just by taking some easy steps like meeting someone for drinks and finding time to exercise. good luck!