Boy, talk about someone that can drive you nutz! I am now really suffering the consequences of a poor decision (settling in a marriage and having a child --unplanned--with a man I now have no respect for...or just having a relationship with him period.)We've been divorced a little over a year now. He's also just married a woman he met less than 3-months ago on Match.com from Missouri.
We have an absolutely beautiful, sweet 2.5-year-old daughter whom I adore. The troubles I am facing are not unique to me, I am sure. So I'm hoping some wise mom out there will give me some good advice and/or support. My ex is definitely narcissistic (I don't use that label lightly. I've done a LOT of research and counseling) and emotionally abusive with a passive/agressive personality. He's the "good looking, very controlling, self absorbed" type. I know this comes from buried anger from his youth -- you can see it in his face-- and his fear of truly being "found out." He lies so well too! And not little lies, but BIG lies like saying he played football at Florida State when he didn't or that he has a masters in Psych, and he doesn't. (Let this be a warning to women to not be too trusting and marry too early. Live & learn!)
I have been very flexible with visitation and being there last minute, even changing plans, when he messes with his visitation schedule. Of course I want to be with my daughter, even when my mental health depends on a break and/or I need the time to get work done. I include him in birtday parties, events, doctor's visits, etc. It's worked out fine--some emotions, but manageable--until now. His new wife is, for some reason, totally changing the dynamics and nursing his bitterness and meanness towards me. He didn't even tell me he got married...I saw the ring and asked. Basically he tells me it's none of my business. And "what do I need to know" about her..."it doesn't matter." He continues his pattern of ignoring me and countering or side stepping any question I have.
I got to the end of my rope and decided I needed to set up some boundaries. I told him that from now on we will stick strictly to the visitation schedule and if he misses a visit there won't be any "switching" weekends or evenings and I won't ask him for help either so as to avoid as much contact as possible. I'm trying to "automate" as much as I can because it only angers me when I see him.
Know that I am a ture Christian and I work on forgiveness daily and ask for Gods direction, support and emotional/mental protection of my daughter.
With these boundaries I've set up, I know this is only huring my daughter. But at the same time it's for my own health and sanity.
I'd really love to speak with someone. Or if you know of a WONDERFUL counselor that understands these dynamics and how I can set healthy boundaries that will work best for all parties involved. I'm so worried about my daughter and how this is all going to impact her. And I do know NOT to bad mouth my ex...I'm a product of that from my childhood and it led me down a painful path of poor choices and character development for which I am now just healing.
I just wanted to give you some big hugs. My exH is also very NPD. It's REALLY hard to deal with someone with these issues. they feel ENTITLED to do anything they want. it's really difficult. I have some web sites about NPD if you are interested.
I wish I had an answer for you. I just wanted you to know that I understand you completely! I feel that I could have written a lot of what you said. I am STILL trying to find some good support. It seems that the more I try to "be reasonable" the more he manipulates. But then when I try setting boundaries, even more manipulation, and the kids get the short end of the stick. It has been an emotional roller coaster for us. I hope you find some answers and some peace. I will keep you in my prayers.
Hey, girl! I don't have any advice either, I just wanted to offer some support as well. Hang in there! I agree that knowing about the new wife is your business as it will affect YOUR daughter! He might be the one who needs some counseling! Good luck with everything, and I am hear if you just want someone to listen! Take care!
HEY. i DON'T HAVE ANY ADVICE BUT PROBABLY WILL GO THROUGH IT SOON. I AM ABOUT TO GET A DIVORCE. I WANT ONE ANYWAY, AND MY HUSBAND IS LIKE THAT AND THAT IS WHY I MUST END IT. I GOT MARRIED AT 19 BECAUSE I WAS PREGNANT AND THOUGHT I SHOULD WORK IT OUT . I NOW HAVE 2 KIDS AND I AM TOTALLY MISERABLE. TO THE POINT I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE. I KNOW HE WILL MARRY AGAIN AND MAYBE AT THAT TIME I WILL BE UP HERE POSTING SOMETHING LIKE THIS. I JUST WANTED TO GIVE YOU A HUG AND SAY I HOPE IT ALL WORKS OUT AND I THINK YOUR DAUGHTER WILL UNDERSTAND WHEN SHE GETS OLDER.
N. B.
MOM ADVICE CENTRAL-http://www.mymommycentral.com
S., hang in there. I don't have any experience or advice, just offering some support. Sounds like you are lucky to have gotten out when you did. Another man comes to mind that told his wife he was going to medical school and when she found out he was lying, he killed her. As far as it not being your business if he got married, it damn well is! Excuse me. Like it or not, she will be a part of your daughter's life and you should have a right to know who he exposes her to.
S.,
I am a Step-mother and deal with similar issues from my husband's ex wife. So I am on the other side of the fence and can completely see your point and understand your frustration. My husband and I have a blended family (my son is 11 and his daughter 8) and I can not understand why the parents don't see that the only person they are hurting is the child when they act like idiots.
My husband and I have been going to counseling for about a month and have made great progress. The counselor we are seeing is Don Hays ###-###-#### x217. He might not be a good fit for you, but at least it is a place to start. Also if you are interested in just having someone to talk to you can email me (I am a great listener). Email ____@____.com. I know sometimes it is just necessary to talk to someone else other than family cause that can make it more complicated. Hang in there! My prayers are with you!
Sigh, I first ask for your forgiveness as I might have to respnd again later as I am in tears right now. I am soo sorry that you and your daughter have to go through this, I am speaking not as a mom who has been through this but as a child who has. . .first off I thank you on behalf of your daughter for gaining the courage to get out when you did. My mom and her ex kept "staying together for the kids" as most parents do and it just made our lives a living hell. Parents, NEVER stay together just for the kids if you are in an abusive relationship! You know that bond you feel with your kids when they get hurt? We feel it too! She finally ended that when I had the courage to tell her that staying together for us was not making us happy.
Secondly you staying close to our Father in Heaven the BEST things you can do! Even though I didn't get to go to church much as a kid Heavenly Father and I were very close and he helped me through it all and still does when he still tries to pull all the same stuff on my mom and sisters. He helped me realize that just because I was being commanded to LOVE and forgive this man that did NOT mean that I had to LIKE him. And as I started praying for not only my healing but his my anger torwards him just turned to sorrow cause I realized that just doesnt realize that he too is a child of God which means you are worth the world and he obviously didnt realize it if he feels that he has to work SO hard to prove that he's something to the world.
I know its hard to not bad mouth him and that is awesome that you are trying not too. Just remember that as you teach your daughter how to be close to Heavenly Father by being close to him yourself, he will help her decern truth through the holy ghost and know on her own when daddy is telling the truth and when he is not, and as you and Heavenly Father help her to realize her true worth as a daughter of God that knowledge and confidence will help her to choose differently in the future. As with anything, this too shall pass. If anything, I was always comforted to know that he will not be held blamless for any hurt to you or your daughter. Just hang in there and feel free to call me whenever you want. Just message me and I will send you my number. The young women I teach at church used this as their slogan for this year: "Life's Tough - Pray Hard!" Good luck and God Bless.
A.
Hi S.,
I am sorry you are having to deal with this frustration. Unfortunately, I have been dealing it for a few years now. My ex remarried. It's amazing how much control a woman has on a man...
TO ALL WOMEN: Please take note - when you marry a man who has kids, please be considerate to the mother of those kids.
My ex's new wife also massages his ego, lies, and forms ideas in his head. When I talk to him, he's always "Can you hold on a minute?" Then I hear him relaying the conversation to his wifey and his wife says "Well tell her this... and this... blah blah..." Why doesn't he just put her on the phone in the first place????
As I understand that she is now a part of my kids' life, I do not recall her being there when I gave birth nor do I recall her being there when we created them. Therefore, she really has no decision making rights to their upbringing... only scheduling conflicts if it pertains to their life.
However, having said all that, there is nothing you nor I can do. We could argue, yes, but for what? What would come out of it? I have come to the horrible realization that we can not control our exes. We can not make them do something... we have no say in how they should do something, what they should do, etc. However, if it's proven abusive and/or a bad situation for our kids, we could always bring in law enforcement (an ugly situation all around). I had to "let go" and try to deal with the things he does that I don't approve of.
My ex didn't want to Baptize our daughters while we were married. I am Catholic and he is Baptist. Given the Baptist religion that they don't get baptized till they accept Jesus in their hearts. I respected that, so we held off. When he met his GF (now wife) and she was Catholic, he converted to Catholicism & baptised my daughters without my knowledge or consent. I didn't even get to pick their Godparents nor was I invited!!! Nothing I could do...
Let go of the things you have no control over. However, enforce the things that you do have control over. I.E. visitation schedule... enforce the schedule. Don't let his life/schedule run all over you... There is a schedule for a reason.
As for when you need breaks... I guess you will have to find a sitter or try to schedule your activities around those visitation times.
Good luck!
L. :o)
Hi S.,
I'm very sorry to hear about your difficult time. I'm glad to hear that you're a Christian and that you've got God as your foundation.....He will be the only one that gives you unconditional love. At our church, we offer a program for divorced individuals, it's called DivorceCare. I don't know if your church offers it or not...but we have people from all over the area that attend the program that don't attend our church. It really deals with recovery. It's on Tuesday nights and we provide free childcare. One of my closest friends actually runs it with her husband. If you're interested, I would like to get you in contact with her. Oh, and this program is free and my church is First Baptist, The Colony. I know of a great family counselor that many from our church has gone to--his name is Dr. Bob Goode. He's in Frisco. I don't know his number but I'm sure you could easily find it. please email me back with any questions, you've got---I'd really like for you to get to this DivorceCare class. ____@____.com God bless you, L.
here are some great support boards. I find them very helpful:
http://www.divorcesource.com/ubbthreads/ubbthreads.php?Cat=0 (they have LOTS of different boards)
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-psbonusfam?redirCnt=1
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-psdivorce
http://forum.freeadvice.com/forumdisplay.php?s=&daysp...
I don't know of any local counselors for you though. I am actually a SM, but truthfully, I think the boundaries you are setting up are fine. It's always a slippering slope when you start derailing from the court ordered visitation. You set yourself up for some big time troubles. My only concern is how you actually tell your ex that you're going back to the decree and its strict orders. He will likely flip his lid if he feels like you are doing it for control or vindictive reasons, so you might think of ways you can approach him in a non-confrontational manner.
While he's right that his personal business isn't your business, there is a certain amount of RESPECT that he should have for you and that means clueing you in on stuff like that. I've noticed that the more that my DH and his ex put effort into respecting each other, the better they get along. This may not happen in your case though. When that happens, you do the best you can to do what is right and set a good example for your daughter.
Try not to get upset on how this may or may not negatively affect your daughter since you're not sure how things are going to turn out. Don't worry until you have something to worry about. However, you may want to locate a counselor for HER. My stepdaughter sees a counselor, although not related to anything divorce related. Her mom is just giving her someone else to talk to. It's been very helpful at times for all of us.
Feel free to email me. I'm a reluctant expert in this kind of stuff. :)
PS Kudos for you for praying for direction, support, etc. I pray EVERY DAY for my step daughter. I also pray that God will soften her mother and her parents' hearts. They are WAY TOO FILLED with hate for my husband and it's caused them to make some really ridiculous decisions that harms no one but themselves and my stepdaughter.
