How do I find him? I've called the office of the attorney general and they've got a search on his social but the chances of him getting a job are slim. We've got an almost 5 year old and almost 1 year old together - I am not getting any child support from him and none of his family will tell me where he is. My oldest, since birth, has seen him VERY regularly - at LEAST once or twice a week - very often more but 5 months ago he met a girl, two weeks later he married her and a week after that I was told they didn't need our children anymore that they were going to have a family of their own. That was that and my oldest is taking it so hard. She told me very disturbing things and I found her a play therapist so she could have a clear headed 3rd party to talk to. She had 10 sessions and the financial assistance ran out and I very plainly can not afford it on my own. I'd like to know where he's living so I can have an attorney send a letter asking if he's planning on being involved or would just terminate his rights.
It's heartbreaking for me - as you girls know, the bond we all have with the man we chose to make our babies with will always be around and while I'd never again want to be with him my mind races trying to figure out how he could do this to our babies. I guess I should mention that I've been in a very loving relationship for quite sometime now and any feelings I have for the girl's father is strictly in relation to our babies.
I have his social, DOB and any other information that could be used to find him - thing is I assume everything is in his new wife's name and the only info I have on her is her name. I've looked on anywho and other white pages sites with no luck. I've called a private detective only to be told they need a 1000$ minimum to do any work at all.
I'd really appreciate any help you might have for us.
*************************10:16pm - I got a hold of him he wants to terminate his right
thanks ladies for all your help
any assistance in finding an attorney that will work probono or discounted would be appreciated - I'll be calling west texas legal aid in the morning. ###-###-#### is my #, my email is ____@____.com if you'd like to send something direct
I want to get this over with.
To answer a few of your Q's
He hasn't had a car in 7 years is 38 and has never made more then 8$ an hour and the chances of him working after losing his PT stocking job at walmart are slim so the OAG finding him based on his social and getting another job isn't likely. She claimed to be working in Insurance and buying out of her contract and not needing to work for quite sometime. Also she said her Daddy paid most of her bills. She's in her early 30's - I had her license plate number but can't find it - I just know it's a white PT cruiser.
I understand that the smarter thing to do would be to wait and have him come around but I'm tired of waiting. It will give ME peace of mind to talk to him, even if he doesn't want to hear it.
I have never trash talked him in front of the girls and never will. He is an alcoholic and habitually relapsing addict. I, too, am in recovery but have six years of stability. Last I heard his grandfather claimed he was in treatment - I don't know what to believe anymore. They don't want to be found, I get it, but I'm determined.
He neeeds to hear that his little girl said she wanted to die so she wouldn't miss daddy anymore. He needs a dose of reality and realize his children are suffering during his honeymoon.
One of the sickest parts is that he has a 10 year old that his mother is still seeing and paying childsupport for but will refuse to answer the phone or return calls when Z tries to reach her.
I'm reading constantly the replies you have and will answer any questions as soon as posible
T.
I wish I had advise (or financial assistance) for you! I am angry for those girls! I would try the Womens Center of Tarrant County (if you are in Tarrant) as I know they have attorneys avaliable at certain times for advise. A PI is what it sounds like you need, but I don't know about the cost. I used to know one, but he has moved on with his life out of state so I have no other contacts.
I don't have anything helpful to add other than I think the attorney general is the way to go. My MIL works for the attorney general in SA and they are really good at finding people. It may take a little while but hang in there and he will re-enter the system at some point. I wish you the best of luck.
I fell so sorry for your children. The only advice I can offer is to show your chuildren how much you love them. Never bad mouth the father to the children. Good Luck with the Attorney Generals office. I hardly get any help from them myself.
I feel for you and your daughter. My son is 10 and we have been dealing with this for years. Like your daughter my son saw his father on a very regular basis and then all of the sudden he disappeared. I wish I knew then what I know now. I did the exact same thing that you are doing and searched for him like a mad women. He was gone for about a year the first time and then came back around like nothing ever happened. I dealt with him disappearing out of the over and over again for the past many years. So trust me when I say let him go and do not give him the choice of coming back again. It's likely he will leave your daughter again and with each time the heartbreak is worse.
If you want to have his rights terminated you do not need to know where he is at. If you need info. on how to do that you can send me a personal message.
Do you have an old email address? If so Google it without ____@____.com
If you need financial assistance I know that you can get medicaid to cover your children's expenses and years ago I had a friend who even got monthly checks (not welfare) that were specifically for child-support that she was not receiving.
Good luck and God Bless
Find an attorney who has access to do a Lexis background search using his last known contact info and social security. That site usually brings up info on spouses, relatives, and neighbors (so attorney can verify info and then locate wife assuming assets are in her name). Based upon the sensitivity of the info, this site isn't accessible to just anyone so it has to be an attorney or someone like that. If that doesn't work for you, then try to find a good process server who can locate people. I don't know what that would cost but that's another way attorneys find people to sue.
Sorry that you all are going through that situation but I wish the best for you all.
**I edited this to add that you'll need to be prepared to pay for these services. I don't know the cost but if you aren't prepared to follow through with a lawsuit at this point, then it's best to let the AG continue to work on this and let go of pursuing him. As for terminating his rights, why proceed with that at this point? It doesn't get you anything different than what you have at the moment, except you'll know for sure that he no longer has any obligation towards the kids and you will not be able to get any future child support.
Not sure where you live, but if you live in Irving- the Irving Family Advocacy Center has free therapy (both play for your daughter and adult for you), or the Univeristy of North Texas has play therapy for unbelievable rates- like $8 a session or something. Check them out.
Sorry no advice on finding your children's father.
My sons father has been in and out of his life since he was 8 months old (he's 10 now). It would be best for your daughter for you to just move on and emphasize family time with you and your two daughters. Without any child support you may qualify for medicaid or chips that would cover more therapy. She is going to need it so you need to look into these options even if you think you don't qualify. I say stop trying to find him. Your daughter will become more desperate to see him b/c she will sense that you are searching for him. Focus on the family you have now and make sure your daughters feel that this family is special and wonderful the way it is. Also, make sure they know that their father loves them. There have been many times in my sons life where the only answer I could give him is, your father loves you he just makes bad decisions sometimes. Their father is a part of them and if they think that he is "bad" they will begin to believe a part of them is "bad" too. And that is the last thing that you want. I also make sure that there are pictures around our house at all times of him and his father together. So that he sees that his father does love him.
Other than that you just have to move on and learn to be the only parent physically, financially, and emotionally. Your daughters will be better off if you can just let him go completely so that they won't feel like something is missing in their lives. They have you and that needs to be enough for you and for them.
I commend you for taking your daughter to a play therapist. How lucky she is to have a Mom who seeks age appropriate effective help! If you are interested in continuing therapy . . . check out the services at the University of North Texas Child and Family Resource Center. That is a good alternative to private practice thearpist when quality of treatment and costs are a concern.
I don't know how to locate your ex-husband other than what your are currently doing. Great choice to have therapy for Zoey. Tell Zoey that her daddy made a very, very bad choice and that it looks like he will not be coming to see her again. Tell her that you cannot understand why daddy would do this, but it is a bad choice on his part. Tell her that you are looking for him (not why you are). But, don't stave off her angst with foggy responses. She trusts you and you need to be straight with her in a language she can understand. She doesn't need to be 'lied to' by omission. Children can deal with truths and honesty, just use language she uses. Hearts are broken, but she needs you most of all. If you continue to put off the truth, she'll know and not trust you as fully.
You are all in my prayers.
We like superpages.com, but I strongly suggest not bothering to deal with him at all right now. Go to legal aid or something to find out what current TX law is about abandonment and proceed that direction when the time comes. Right now, as stupid as he's acting, I wouldn't want him in my child's life, ESPECIALLY since your daughter already has some issues that require therapy. Why make it worse with a flaky father in and out of the picture? I say cut your ties, be done with him. I have personal experience with a bipolar dad that mom kept me from (left when I was 1); I had some issues about it because I thought it was my fault not his (didn't have any information about it), but I met him at age 19 and by age 21 I was thanking God that I hadn't grown up with that. I was a strong adult with an understanding of who/what he was by then so it was ok, but a child shouldn't be a toy for a selfish parents' whims. I was MUCH better off without him in my childhood. If I were you, when she asks questions, just say "your dad has issues and doesn't know how to be a dad right now" (it's the truth, without details, and leaves the door open just enough if he gets his act together and learns how to be a real man).
You DO need to go ahead with abandonment though, because the law hinders you from moving out of state, or adoption if you remarry, etc unless they terminate his rights. Again, with a flaky man and some screwed up family on his side, your best bet is abandonment and not trying to chase him down. Will save you some energy, money, and dignity. This is my personal opinion.
T.,
I just wanted to let you know that the Attorney General will monitor all hits on his social including utility searches. They will also do a search by his name. But, remember if he terminates his rights that also means no child support for you for your children. continue to comfort your daughter and just tell her her dad will be there when he gets a chance do not bad mouth him because it will only cause more harm than anything. If you feel she needs more counseling try call 211 or MHMR they do income basis and sometimes even free assistance. Also if you have an EAP at your job contact them. If you don't know if you have a EAP ask your human resource person.
T.,
I would just leave him alone for the time being. I would proceed with any child support legalities, but as far as terminating his rights, you should let him determine that (even though he might not deserve it). Leave it in gods hands and let HIM come around, dont waste your time trying to find someone who doesnt want to be found. I pray you have friends and family that will help you out as much as they can in any way they can, your little girls deserve all the love and support in the world. Focus your time and energy on them and whatever's left on yourself.
Seriously try myspace.com and facebook.com
Also there sre serch dadtbases that are free.....I am not sure if any of these are free but look at them
411.com
Zabasearch.com and
peoplesearch.com
I am just so sad for your children! How horrible! I'm mad at him for being stupid, but I'm mad at his family for allowing it too! Have you tried talking to his family and just laying it out - maybe they can pass along a message for you at least. Like you said, just trying to figure out if he's going to still be involved or if he wants to terminate rights. It doesn't even seem like you are after child support, although you definately deserve it! I think if his family knows, the police should be able to put pressure on them to find out where he is. My other thought is this...it seems like he's made his decision. If you want to terminate his rights, then maybe you should go forward with that. Start proceedings. Tell his family, ask them to tell him that you are starting proceedings for termination of rights and abandonment. Maybe that will spark him or maybe it won't, but then you can honestly tell your girls that daddy is gone and is not coming back. Try to make sure you don't talk bad about him b/c they will probably naturally put him on a pedastal, but be honest too. Say you don't know why daddy did what he did, but it doesn't look like he's coming back. I'm no therapist, so you may want to run that by a therapist, but seems like closure would help your oldest.
If you know he got married, can't you look up the marriage license and then see the wife's name? With her name, maybe the attorney general can find them? Someone in that duo must be working, right?
I just prayed for you and your girls. My heart breaks for you and them, what a terrible situation. I can't imagine a man having that much contact with his children and then just letting it all go. That is just crazy! I wish you the best.
Was he providing child support previously? You say, "I'd like to know where he's living so I can have an attorney send a letter asking if he's planning on being involved or would just terminate his rights." Is the crux of the matter really that, or is it getting child support or some other thing? Obviously he's made some very impulsive decisions but has a long history of a relationship w/ your DD. I don't know that I'd want to choose this time to ask whether he just wants to terminate his rights. His little honeymoon break from reality may not last forver; in fact, the more impulsive & quick this marriage was, the quicker it may bellyflop. If it's just a matter of "are you in or are you out?" I'd rather give him time to come to his senses & not ask the question yet & force the choice. I know that 5 months seems forever to your DD and that you'd just like some closure one way or the other, but in the long run she's probably better off if he doesn't terminate rights...and if you give him some space to come to his senses on his own (which is usually more effective than trying to convince someone that they've gone off half cocked). If you are hoping that the letter from an attorney would get him to realize that he needs to start seeing his kids again...well, again, I'd give it some more time before I forced his hand. I would focus on finding another source of free or reduced price therapy for your DD. Parental rejection can certainly be h*** o* a child's self esteem. I hope that the man you're in a relationship with now, has a good relationship with her.
Now, if you had been receiving child support & desperately need it, that puts things in a different light.
Don't assume that he won't use his social; don't assume anything, since he's already proven that he's capable of doing something completely stupid and hasty. He got married & moved very quickly; haste makes for mistakes in covering your trail. Do you have any idea that he might have moved out of state--and might need to get a new driver's license? Hmm, if he got married, there's a marriage license somewhere, which would give you the wife's DOB, and with a first name & DOB it's easy enough to do a search on her. Find the marriage license. Find the marriage announcement in the paper, if there was one, and go from there; for example, you can mine it for the names of her relatives. Where did he live before? Did he leave the landlord or previous employer a fwding address? Was he silly enough to file a change of address form--or did she? If you assume anything, assume that he made some kind of stupid mistake and that you WILL find it.
Short of a private detective, there are people on the internet who have subscriptions to various search databases and who'll run a search on his soc, driver's license number, etc. for a much more reasonable price. I haven't needed one for about 10 years but try going into yahoo groups and finding a group for people who are searching for their ex. Lurk (just read) for a while and try to get a sense for what people are like, and you can also pick up some search tips that way. Be careful to use someone that has been helpful to other people in the group, not just anyone who says they'll do a cheap database search.
If you are low income you can see if Legal Aid for your county has any suggestions.
Good luck! Again, if all you want to do is give him an ultimatum about terminating his rights in the hopes that he'll see his kids or at least give you some closure, I think I'd wait it out for quite a while longer. It would be handy to have his location, though, while the trail is still warm.
Like already stated...try myspace or facebook. If their profile is public then you can find them really fast. I'm sorry I cannot give you much more help. I am praying for you and your children!
