Father-in-law remarrying--Lots of Reservations/questions

Ok, the easy issue first - YUCK, I would NEVER in a billion years want the engagement ring of a woman my fiance was married to, regardless of the reason they are no longer married! Not romantic. A bit morbid. Yes, the rings of his deceased wife should go to her children or grandchildren, not to his new wife. The engagement ring doesn't have to be flashy, but he really should get a new and special ring for his fiance.

My aunt's husband passed away VERY unexpectedly about 10 years ago (as in, they were talking, and suddenly he just died). Within 2 years she was married to a long time friend whose spouse had also passed away. It was extremely difficult for my cousin to accept the fact that her mother was married to a man, other than her father. She felt it was disrespectful to her dad's memory. She felt that her mother jumped the gun. She felt that she was being cast aside. 10 years later, she has finally accepted the marriage. I barely know my aunt's new husband, as I've been living away from my hometown this whole time. Still, when I do see him I treat him just as I used to treat my uncle--I make small talk, and try to get to know him a bit, and be as polite as I can. I don't have an emotional connection to him, but you better believe I am pleased as pie that my aunt found someone to help heal her broken heart. Her daughter is FINALLY happy for her mom.

My grandmother remarried 7 years after my grandfather passed away. Her new husband only lived about 6 months after they married (in their early 70s), but they didn't want to waste any time. So glad that they didn't wait. He made my grandma so happy, and she was his dream woman.

I say, butt out about the relationship, but gently suggest that she deserves her own unique ring.

I am not at all surprised that your FIL started dating quickly after his wife's passing. Men who have been married a long time NEED a woman, they simply don't know how to function without one. At least he waited a few years before remarrying!
As far as the ring, I'd let it go. I seriously doubt one of the grandkids is going to grow up and say, gee I wonder whatever happened to grandma's wedding ring? Seriously. It's just not worth it, and it's his property to do with as he wishes.
The only concern I would have if I were you is how your FIL's will is drawn up, if there is any significant money or property or anything else of value to be inherited. A good friend of mine's father remarried and when he died the wife (and her grown children) got almost everything, simply because there was no will and everything automatically went to his new wife, and she passed along some of the proceeds to her kids. Luckily for my friend her stepmother allowed her to take anything of her father's she wanted (photos, mementos, furniture, etc.) and she did give her the same $ amount as her own kids got but it doesn't always work out that well. That is something your husband should discuss with his dad, not you.

I just hope your father in law is smart enough to draw up a will in such a way this his own offspring don't unintentionally get disinherited if he should die before his new wife.

Well, I have a lot to say. My mom got married to my step father after they both lost their spouses. We were all adult children, most with families of our own. He wife was dead barely a year when he married my mom. His daughter was a total b*t** about it. She was 24 and caused problems for years.

Let's face it, when a man is used to having a wife for 45 years, they want that same comfort. Men remarry VERY quickly after losing a wife of many years. Honestly, the best thing you can do for your husband and kids is to FULLY support his decision. He is not marrying a 25 year old gold digger - he's marrying another widow.

My best piece of advice is that he signs a pre-nup. It's not very expensive and will keep things friendly in the end. This is about the only place that you should butt-in.

Also, the ring - well, it is his decision to do what he wants with it. However, if your hubby feels differently about it he should talk to him. Tell him how he would like to retain the memory of mom's ring. I'm guessing you have daughters - if you had boys that ring wouldn't mean a thing to you. Chances are she won't want it - what woman would. Perhaps you can lead him in that direction and offer to take him to a store to pick something new! That would be a great way to support him.

Trust me - old men work fast in the remarriage world. They know what they want and close the deal - life is too short not to move forward. He'll always love his wife - this is something completely separate. Support him as you would have wanted to be supported when you were getting married. Trust his instincts and be inclusive to his soon to be new wife. It will make him very happy.

Good luck!

honestly he's in his 70's how long do you want him to wait? Sad to say but he doesnt have tons of years left to play the field and then find someone.

He wants a compannion and so does she. I dont get it its not like you see them all of the time...whats the big deal?

as for her ring...thats silly. it's his. it holds value to HIM as her husband so if he wants to see it on his new wifes finger (heck maybe he views it as a lucky ring, it gave him x number of happy years before didnt it?) than let him. What would your child do with a wedding band?

You could ask that should she pass the ring stay on your side of the family and not hers since it has sentimental value BUT i dont think starting drama over a ring is worth it.

how much did your kids see their grandmom if she lived overseas? would they have a very strong bond with that ring?

It's important to see your FIL as a person, and not as a part of a couple with your late MIL. He's entitled to be happy, and it's not at all unusual for widows/widowers to start dating. They aren't kids, they don't have unlimited years left, and, if the spouse who died was ill for a while, the survivor has really been lonely even longer (during the illness). And, men tend not to stay single very long because they often want someone to help take care of them (as my mother says, "to sew on their buttons"). So men stay single for much shorter amounts of time.

The first thing to do is to ask to meet her. Don't get into a discussion of wedding dates - Dad is just asking for your approval. Meet her, let her know how much you want Dad to be happy, and size her up. Be welcoming to her - your MIL is dead and there is nothing that will bring her back. Don't view a second wife as "taking the place" of Mom/Grandma. That's not the story. This girlfriend may be nervous around you so don't hold that against her or judge her unfairly.

Dad should have a good will to protect himself, and you should be sure that he is competent.

But you also should tell him that no woman wants someone else's used engagement ring! She will want - and she deserves - her own ring. It's not about that ring going to the grandchildren (although yes, that's a factor). But this is a new marriage and it deserves its own symbols - she's not going to wear Mom's old clothes, and she's not going to wear her ring. There's something off about Dad thinking she wants or should have Mom's ring - he may be asking you for approval (wrong way to get it) and he may be trying to replace his wife too much by giving another woman all the hand-me-downs. Not a good way to start out their marriage. That's how I would address it with Dad.

If Mom died 2.5 years ago and he's been dating for more than 2 years, that's MORE than enough time in terms of respect for his late wife. That part isn't "too fast" for people in their 70s. But it may be a little fast in terms of 4 months with this woman. Encourage them to travel to see you (have them stay in a hotel if the idea of intimacy repels you, or of anything in front of your children). Invite her to participate in your family. If she does, you'll get to know her and you'll see that she's interested in ALL of your FIL, not just his money. If she won't come, tell him that makes you sad and you'd like to know her. She COULD be a great step-grandma to the children, if she's good for your FIL.

for this i know you are worried but i'm thinking that you should butt out as you have put it.

peoples of this age are lonely.

lives are so short and all the ones they knew are leaving for the next life.

he has been quite some time without his dear wife.

please consider that the ring has a sentiment for him also.

which is why he cares to give it to his now love.

let whatever is to be for him be for him.

while he yet lives let there be a peace among the family.

I did have sometime some what similar with my mother in law. She met someone less than 2 years after her husband passed away while on vacation. She came home for a week and then moved off with him. It's almost 13 years later and they are happily married. It was harder on the kids that she moved away then found someone else. We love him very much and he's the only grandpa my boys have now. When older people loose their spouse especally when they are as old as your father in law it does not take them as long to know they have found someone they want to spend the rest of their lives with. He's been around he knows what he wants and dosn't want. I think you are way over analizing it. Be happy for him. And the ring. It's probably specail to him so he wants to give it to the one he loves. My mom lost my dad almost 7 years ago and now has just started dating. It's strange but if she decides this is the man for her I will be happy for her.

Well he is in his 70's and does not want to be alone. He had a sick wife and may be looking for joy in his life. It's been 2 1/2 years now. Let go of your negative feelings and be happy he has found a person who wants him again. All you can do is open your heart and be happy for him.
I wish my mom found a new mate after my dad died. She was only 63 years old. Now she is almost 80 without anyone except for me and my family.

My father died 23 years ago and after 7 years alone my mother married again. The man she married had lost his wife. They were closer in age than your father in law and his friend are but still there were grown kids on both sides. When we met the man he told us he would never try to be our dad or to replace our dad. Some in the family still didn't accept him but in the end everyone did in one way or another. We loved him very much but he was not our dad. He and my mother had trusts with their own families and when one of them died it was their blood family that got their things and any meaningful items. I would suggest that your father in law do that and it saves many hard feelings later. My mother's husband just died and we miss him so much, grew to love him so much, and are so thankful they had almost 16 years together before he died. I hope your father in law has found a loyal woman who really loves him and that they make trusts for blood family first.

So sorry you are feeling discomfort about this. We had something silimar with an inlaw. He is now remarried. We met the lady once before the marriage. She seems nice ...

Since your FIL is not nearby, the mentality we took was that since we are physically part of our inlaws' day-to-day living, we didn't really have a say in his future relationship.

As for MIL's rings. I would say something. If you have a son that you think would some day be honored to pass those rings on, I would say something. If you don't currently have a son, I would let it go. I will say that a lady 20 years younger, will probably except a new ring of her own. I mean, it's been 45 years since he bought an engagement ring, he's going to just keep using the same one? He should buy the a new one, in my opinion.

Older folks tend to start dating soon and marry quickly. All I can say it is his life so let him be. He is an adult. If anyone were to say anything, it should be your husband, not you.

Be unequivocally happy for them both. They are aging and are going after what they both want with single minded determination - companionship. I see nothing wrong with that as they both haven’t got all that many years left even in the most optimistic light. Unless the ring is a major issue for your husband and his family I would let it go. It is your father in law’s to do with as he pleases truthfully.

My grandmother remarried after my grandfather passed. She waited a few years but her new husband only waited a few months after his wife passed. Their courtship and marriage was a whirlwind affair. Sadly my uncles, aunts and mother gave my new grandfather unmitigated grief from the time he married my grandmother until the day we put them both in the ground. Nothing about the man or what he did was good enough. They ran him ragged every visit. I always respected him because I could see he was a good man. He was a lonely old man, seeking what he had had his entire life – a wife. For all of his faults he did his dead level best he could by my grandmother and doted on her even to the detriment of his own health. As a family I don’t think we could have asked for more. Based on my own experience I would encourage them to get their finances in order via pre-nups and wills. However, I will say that can all change if people are determined to make the situation ugly. My own family kidnapped my grandmother for lack of a better description. My family wanted money out of my grandfather since according to them he had taken all of my grandmother’s money after their marriage. They itemized the total she gave him down to rolls of toilet paper. It was a truly pathetic, heartbreaking experience. I will forever remember holding my grandfather’s hand as he sobbed, asking why they took his “baby.” If I could have killed by thoughts alone, there wouldn’t have been many left standing that day. My grandmother was only returned to him after he sold his house for a fraction of its value to family and handed over a huge chunk to my aunt. While my grandmother was out of my grandfather’s care, her health deteriorated rapidly and they both lasted less than a year after that disgusting episode. Sorry for the ramble but I think everyone needs to put on their big boy/girl britches and get over themselves. If the two adults are happy, then everyone else needs to get on the happy wagon, be civil/nice and be supportive. I can’t think of why everyone can’t be this way, assuming his soon to be new wife is not a gold digging 20 year old floozy out after his money.

A., what will it hurt to say to your FIL, "Dad, couldn't you consider giving us Mom's jewelry? They mean a lot to the family for her grandchildren to have. I doubt that "Jane" will really want all of Mom's jewelry. Her grandchildren will want them more." If he says no, then you have lost nothing. If he says yes, you will have the rings that "Jane" has absolutely no sentimental feelings towards.

I've already told my husband that if I die before him, he may NOT give his new wife my jewelry or my clothes LOL! (As if he would give her my clothes!)

About the whirlwind thing - I think your husband should tell his dad that he needs to see an attorney to help him plan out his finances, should he become disabled from a stroke or something that would make it so that he couldn't manage his finances. He should tell him that the attorney can make sure that no mistakes are made that could land him in a bad nursing home. If your FIL doesn't want to listen, that's his bad, quite frankly. But your husband should still say it.

Good luck to all of you.

There are books out there that have great questions to ask before getting married. I bet there are some about situations just like this. If it were me I would ask about anything sentimental that family would like because it could all be gone in a few months time. I would ask about the ring if there were a daughter or granddaughter involved. He really needs a prenup, actually they both do. See if you can talk about things reasonably. What did his parents do or your former mils parents? Get him talking. Then roll with it.

Oh dear, that is some drama. Ultimately I agree with a lot of posters below, but I wanted to add my 2 cents about the ring!

How does your husband feel about it...or his sisters (if he has any?) I think the only place where I would say to butt in would be about this. I would think that his children may want that ring and I don't think he should give it to another woman. Maybe casually mention this to him or have your husband do it if he feels the same. It personally makes me kind of sad to hear this as a daughter! I would want the ring to stay in the family.

The suggestion of a pre-nup was also a good one if you think he'd be open to it, but that one should maybe come from his son (or other kids).

Good luck!

Good for him. He is lonely and he has found someone he loves. It must be incredibly difficult to be alone after 42 years. Just be happy for him. She won't expect to be your step mom - she'll just expect you to be civil (and hopefully a little friendly) at family functions. His property - um that is HIS property. To do with as he pleases. Whether or not he chooses to spend it, leave it to charity, leave it to his new wife or leave it to his (adult) children.

I have to say if it were your father i could understand your concerns, but seeing that you see him once a year, how are you concerned about this new person in the mix? for a few days visit that you have with them? does it really bother you so much.
i won't address the ring and/or any financial issues i feel are underlying in your post. i just want to say, it's his money/his ring to do whatever he wants to do with it.