Father and Girlfriend Tend to My Sisters Every Need

I agree with many others here -- grief counseling may do you a world of good. It seems like you lost a very important part of your family and everyone is trying to move on in their own way.

You need to find your way.

Unfortunately, we cannot change people or make them do what we need or want. But we can focus on ourselves and although it sounds cliche, oftentimes the hardest times of our lives are the times when we grow the most.

Your father's reluctance to provide a strong shoulder for your troubles could have originated from anything, not particularly you. I think its hard for us often to remember that even though something someone may do might hurt us, they may not even be aware of it. He could be coming from an entirely different place.

You can attempt to have a talk with him, but don't have high expectations and please, don't try to demand too much from him, he may only withdrawal further from you.

Again, get to counseling, not only will it help you with dealing with the loss of your mother, but also you may find the strength and new vision to tackle the other issues that lay before you.

Good luck!

I think your dad is taking the easiest way out on this..it is not you personally, he may just not have the emotional space for anything 'hard' or upsetting.

Right now you need to look at your home and heart and do what you need to do without them confusing you by lack of help or concern. You need to show your support for the baby or your sister and father will pull further away from you..but take care of your families need right now and depend on friends and look for support here.

Is the divorce real? or are you just overwhelmed with all of the pain and changes in the past few years? look into fixing it or doing what you need to do next. But YOUR family needs you right now, esp. the kids if you are divorcing.

It really will not help you to fixate on your father and sister outside of the baby..you need to be strong and make a list of what is going on and what you need to fix..to make your life better and the best.

Hi B., I know what your going thru. We have a similar situation, only its my brother & sister in law. Both of my husbands parents are deceased. My brother in law has never seen my kids.(who are 7 1/2 & 4) Up until a yr ago he lived in the same town. My sister in law hasnt seen them for a year. She never calls, sends cards nothing(shes godmother to my oldest) - only if she needs something/favor/$$. SAD! Unfortunately you cant always change people. Sit & talk with your dad, tell him how you feel. Tell him its affecting your children, that they're asking you why . Maybe it'll open his eyes, maybe it wont, you wont know until you try.

Good luck

I think it's terrible that your father told you to grow up and get over it when you wanted to talk to him about your troubles. If you can't lean on your father, who can you lean on? I hate to say it, but he is happy now with this new woman and happy to become a grand-dad again, so he doesn't want to hear anything negative from you. He just wants to be happy and around his girlfriend and dote on the new baby. Show the new baby off. I feel badly for you because I know you are missing your mother. And you might still be depressed from the post-partum depression. You should try taking St. John's Wort or, better yet, talk to your doctor about it. As far as your father goes, you can invite him and girlfriend over, tell them your 13 year old son made a comment and tell them exactly what the comment was: "... he is starting to make comments about never seeing you and this is why I am reaching out for help." See what kind of a reaction you get. If your father blows you off, then he is rotten and you shouldn't want to be with him anyway. So then start to plan something fun for you and your kids to do to make your OWN family memories. Remember to take lots of pictures to look at in the future to remember what fun you had. Good luck.

Hi B., sorry to hear about your loss. It sounds like you lost a VERY important role model and person in your life and are having trouble replacing that relationship. I agree with the other writer. You should get some greif counseling to help you find your own joy and your own strength. It sounds like you do need your strength back. Your husband needs your peace of mind and your children need you at your best without resentement or hurt in your heart. It sounds like your dad is just trying to live his own life and wants to show you a little 'tough love.' Was your mom the rock of the family? Maybe you should think "What would mom do?" and then do that. Live by the lessons she taught you during her short time with us on earth.
these are just my simple observations from your description. I have no degree is psychology. Just giving my thoughts.

God Bless and good luck!
H.

Hi B., let me first say I am sorry for the loss of your mom. I read your profile and see that she has been gone since 2004. Grieving takes its toll no one grieves the same.
After reading about your troubles, I get the feeling that you feel abandoned by your dad and his girlfriend.
I am not certain what you can do besides a sit down heart to heart talk with him letting him know how you feel.
I've been widowed for over 6 yrs now and something that really helped was grief counseling. You may want to seek out a trained counslor who specializes in grief.
For your children, why not invite your dad for lunch this summer, or have him take the kids fishing. Maybe you could arrange for him to spend the day alone with them while you run to do errands.
L.

Hi B.,

I think this issue is far greater than feeling your father is not attending to your needs. You, personally, have experienced a great loss. It is natural that you would turn to your family for support. However, they, also are processing this huge loss in their own way.

The death of a parent has all kinds of ramifications from pracical to psychological. Often times it dredges up all kinds of emotions and opens old wounds. Relationships with the ones we feel most close to are often irrevocably damaged in the aftermath of such loss.

It sounds to me like you would benefit from some counseling just for yourself to help explore your emotions, their source and how best to handle them. Psychotherapy can be extremely helpful and I would suggest this before things really get stirred up. I am truly sorry for your loss. The recovery from grief can be a long, process which has times when you are better and times when you are worse along the way so be patient with yourself.

J. L.