Family

This is extremely frustrating. I know. My younger sister has 6 kids and I have two which are 11 years apart. She was involved with my oldest but never has time or is too tired for the 3 yr old. She is tired because she is too busy taking care of my sister and sister's kids. My sister is always in trouble, has always needed more help. If you ask my mom she woudl tell you it's not favoritism but rather, the squeaky wheel gets the oil. She thinks because i have a husband and am responsible than I don't need her help. I don't really think it's favoritism....just dysfunction..I hope this sheds a different light on the situation but I know it is difficult. My husband and I NEVER get any time alone.

I would be annoyed too, but here's my take on this: I think the reason why it seems that like many a times grandparents are closer to their daughter's children is because many grandparents probably do not have a good relationship with their daughter-in-laws. If you read many of the in-law problems on this site, it is usually a daughter-in-law who has issues with her hubby's family. The sons usually do not know how to handle the conflict or indifference that arises between his parents and his wife and in marriage. It goes back to the old saying: "A daughter is a daughter for life; a son is a son until he takes a wife."

Just my 2 cents,

M

It sucks when Grandparents have favorites. My parents favor my oldest boy (he's 5) and youngest (15 months) but they never want to take my daughter (who is 3) .. she's a challenge, I know that.. but even MORE of a reason we would like a break every now and then. They make no attempt to try to hide they really don't want to help with her.

It is annoying. It could be a lot of things, is your husbands sister single? Or financially struggling more then you are? Does your MIL feel like she needs more help then you and your husband? (Not saying she's right, just trying to understand) Like your husband suggested, maybe it is because it's her daughters child and she feels closer. Maybe your husbands sister includes your MIL in raising her child more - like calls and asks questions, makes her feel closer and more valued? My Mom tells me it's easier with your daughters child because it's easier to speak your mind with your own daughter. Also, my views on raising kids aren't that far off from my Moms - which makes it easier on both of us.

I'm not saying any of this makes it "right" -- just some ideas on why. Could you guys just talk to her? Have you husband say "Hey, you know we would like a date night every now and then." Maybe you could set up a once or twice a month arrangement -- a standing date night or kid free day? I'm thinking if she watched your daughter more, she might feel closer to her and more willing to help when you need it?

Sorry you're frustrated.

W.,
I just suggested a support group on this site for excatly that reason.....
No, your husband is wrong, a Grandmother should never think the daughter"s child comes first.....
I'm " lucky" my MIL ignores all her gandchildren the same :)
And no matter how many reason you can find, why they do it,it's not helping.
My children loved their grandparents, when they were little, now as teenagers,
couldn't care less...because they know better , how grandparents should be..
It's all sad,I'm sorry about that,I'm still trying to get used to it, after 17 years!!
Tha's why a support group would be nice I think:)

Is it also possible that she moans about having to watch your SIL's daughter when your SIL asks? If so, maybe SIL just ignores your MIL's protests and cajoles her into babysisting your niece anywayl. If she is more accomodating with your SIL's babysitting requests, I think I would be annoyed. Maybe have your husband talk to his mom and let her know as nicely and delicately as possible, how offputting her favoritism has been.

Hope this helps.

Boy do I get how this goes!!! I am annoyed it happened to me so you should be annoyed also!!! My mom was not like this at all she treated all the grandchildren the same. She loved when they came over, they are all in there 20s and early 30s now and she still loves when they come to visit her. Mine is the youngest on both sides and what a difference. My mom 78 years young and she still takes my 11 year old. He adores her. BUT my MIL acted like it was soooooooo inconvenient even for a few hours, SIL were the same way. The thing was to he is such a good kid and loves his whole family. I am just glad he does not know they seemed to care less. And believe me my husband was mad with his family. He spoke up a few times at the lack of interest with our kids. The way I feel is that you just cannot make people feel a certain way about your kids. Its sad but true. Your MIL is probably missing out on a wonderful grandchild!

Not sure exactly what your question is...
I would suggest you find another babysitter, as I will not kiss anyone's butt for childcare! It stinks, I know, but you can't change anything--especially people. I suspect that your SIL ignores her protests and just forces her child on her mom. Is she a single mom? maybe that's why she depends on her mom more?
My MIL treats her grandkids all equally--she IGNORES ALL of them! LOL
My mom lives an hour away and will jump through hoops to help us out if we need it.

It's a battle your never going to win. Let it go. Don't get caught up in it. I have the same feelings of anger and hurt with my mother. not my mother in law as she always took the kids. But my own mom not so much. It's just not worth the pain it causes. get a sitter or trade with a friend.

MIL is playing favorites. No doubt about it. Will she change? Probably not. Best you can do is to ignore her and try not to let it get to you.

I don't buy the "grandparents like their daughter's kids better" bit. It is certainly not the case in our family. My brother's kids are far more favored than mine are. There could be all sorts of reasons for this (in my family, and in yours). Perhaps your SIL forces it and guilts them with "I don't have any other options" or something. Or maybe her child is a different age that your in-laws are more comfortable dealing with. Or maybe your child takes a lot more work by the grandparents. Or maybe your in-laws don't think your SIL is such a great parent and are trying to "make up" for it. You didn't say, but is his sister a single parent? That could be a factor as well. There are SOOOO many reasons that could factor in to it. I would say, take the good and ignore the rest. That's really all you can do. When your daughter is grown, if there is favoritism shown, she will be aware of it. And your inlaws (her grandparents) will be the ones to lose out.
We have no family near us (5 hours away for both sides of the family)... so count your blessings.
It is natural to notice the disparity, but try to overlook it. It is natural to be annoyed and jealous even, but try not to dwell on it. Maybe your SIL was their favorite child, too! You can't change that, or them. Be glad you found a husband who is wonderful, and accept that when you married him, his family came along for the ride... It's not fair. But nothing really is.
We have friends that are grandparents, and OH what I wouldn't do to have my parents treat my kids like our friends do theirs! But, that isn't how things are. So I just try not to think about it too long or too hard, and accept that my parents are getting older and one day will be gone, and appreciate what time they DO spend with my kids.

As a Grandmother to three and mother of three, I can understand how frustrated you are with all this. One thing I can say is your mother in law knows your sister in laws children better and is closer to them for that reason. When my children were young we lived on a ranch with my inlaws and my children are very close to their paternal grandparents. My parents saw my children quite abit but they pretty much raised my brother's children and they are much closer to them. When my daughter once said to me that her cousins were so lucky since they pretty much live with grandma and grandpa, I pointed out that they aren't lucky since they have no special time with grandma and grandpa, they are much more fun as grandparents then parents and parenting is what they are doing with the cousins. My husbands sister has two children and they didn't go out to see my in laws much, always some reason not to do so. Her daughter grew up feeling jealous and slighted since my daughter was closer to grandma then she was. I blame my sister in law for this, she should have made sure that she stopped any jealousy at the beginning. She should have pointed out that her mom loves both girls very much and the reason she is closer to my daughter was because they were around each other more.

Now both my sons have children. My youngest son had my first grandchild and living here in the same town, I have babysat a lot. When my daughter in law started back to work after she was born I babysat. We spent a lot of time bonding and we are very very close. My oldest son adopted his step daughter who is 4 months older then my youngest sons daughter and also has a baby who was born in December. I don't get much time with these two children and haven't had the chance to bond with them to become as close as I am to my first grandchild. I have offered to take the kids or to go out and help with them and my daughter in law has always had some excuse for me not to come out. I finally figured I wasn't going to put myself out trying to get closer, just to take it as it comes. I also pointed out to my son that if he wants me to have the same relationship with his children as I have with his niece, he needs to make sure I have the chance. I love cuddling with my grandson and my adopted granddaughter is a sweetheart and so loving also. I do love them very much and have kept my adopted granddaughter over night but she is also a bit more wild and not always good at listening so sometimes when I do have her it wears me down.

Chances are, your mother in law is closer to her daughters children because she has had the chance to bond with them by helping out when they were babies. As you said, you don't do a lot without your daughter and haven't spent time away much, which is good, but also took away the bonding that grandma could have had watching her once a week for you.

I would agree with some of the other posts that perhaps she does it to your SIL as well. However we had a similar problem when our daughter was little. It took my husband and FIL pointing it out to both the SIL and MIL before it got better. I still know my MIL spends more time with my SIL's kids but she also makes a point to spend time with my daughter. I also went through the I give up stage and asked others to watch her and didn't make the effort, not sure if that helped in waking up my MIL but I do know it has gotten better so just make sure that you aren't making all the effort and remember your MIL is missing out, your daughter will have lots of people who love her and who she bonds with, if Grandma wants to be that way, it might be something you can't change.

Your husband's explanation might be it but I've experienced that there is some kind of "connection" between the grandchild and the grandmother. Connection as in the grandmother might be trying to compensate in her own way for what she feels the grandchild is missing in her life. Does that make sense? Each situtation has a different angle, for lack of a better word. But I've experienced "favoritism" and have seen it many times in many families. It often helps us if we understand why the one child is being favored. I feel it will help to talk it out with your child as she gets older.

We moved within 10 miles of my parents hoping - not expecting - that they'd occasionally watch our kids if asked, and preferably they'd offer. When we just had one, they rarely watched her and we hardly see them. Now with 3, it's the same thing. They will occasionally watch them if it's a need (a doctor's appointment, school meeting, etc.). My husband and I have been married for 11 years and have been away 1 time for 1 night in 8 yrs of having kids and they were NOT with my parents as I'd hoped. These are MY parents. My husband's mom is 15 miles away and watches his 3 sisters' kids for a week or 10 days at a time, but getting her to watch ours for an hour is a hassle. She told us once that our kids are much better behaved than all of his sisters' kids, but 2 things...1- they want her to read to them and/or play with them & she doesn't want to; and 2- we don't have movie channels or pay her like the others do. We can't pay her. And our thoughts are if we HAVE to pay someone, we want them to actually interact with our kids. My kids love their grandparents, but unfortunately they pick & choose. I know that it's not about me or my kids, and I have gotten over being annoyed by it. I just don't ask. I know that they are missing out on 3 really incredible kids and time that they can't get back. That is their choice. We have good friends that we work out deals with - we watch their kids so they can have a date night, they watch ours. The kids think it's a kid party & love it. Of course, we'd both rather have family around more, but it hasn't happened for us. I do find, however, that when my parents find out - usually from the kids - that our friends watched them while we went out, my mom occasionally calls to see if we WANT her to watch the kids so we can go out. Even if she's doing it only because she feels guilty, I'll take it. My policy is that my kids are available to them, but they're the adults and have the responsibility to form the relationship. I will continue to hope that they'll help out or be more involved, but I don't expect them to. I'm less disappointed and annoyed for having adopted this personal policy for myself. It is hard, and a huge let down. I'm not sure how old your daughter is, but mine is 8 and I have girl/boy twins who are 4. It was very hard for me to accept (from my own parents especially) for the first few years with just 1 kid. You're not wrong to be annoyed.

It sounds like you have been getting "commisserating" responses, not advice. Here are my two cents.
1. Talk to your MIL. She may not even know she's doing it. She could just be tired from having spent all day with her other grandkids and not have the energy to watch more kids that day. Or if she knows that it will be a busy day, she may just want to have some time to herself.
2. Talk to your SIL. Because she and her family are blessed with having had so much free child care, she may be willing to watch your kids every now and again.
3. Have your mother talk to his mother. (Weird, I know!) But maybe when your MIL knows how much your mother would love to see her grandkids, she will have a different perspective on it.

Have a great day, and good luck!

You are justified in being annoyed. My own mother and father give more of their time to my 2 sisters' kids. I know it's because the 2 sisters "need" more help, but my child "needs" grandparent love and attention too!

Sounds like you try to involve your MIL as much as you can... I'd consider talking to your MIL about it and how you're concerned it will impact your daughter. You could even just take the approach of "we really want our daughter to feel close to you, when can we set up a play date for the two of you?" so it's clear it's for your daughter's benefit, not as a favor to you two.

Your MIL has made her decision. Sadly we can't control what other's do. I've tried. Just stresses me out. So acknowledge the situation and that you're hurt then let it go. Your kids will eventually let it go as well. A quote that I know I've got wrong, but you get the idea: "Love someone as long as they love you, but not for a moment longer should they stop." ~ Just because you're related to someone doesn't mean you have to be around them. Find a reliable sitter, and swap kids with a friend for nights out. Don't depend on your emotionally unavailable mother-in-law. She's shown how she is. If I were you I wouldn't want to drop my kids off at her house. She'll most likely ignore them, and if her other grandchildren are there it'll be blatantly obvious and your kids will be even more hurt. Don't use your MIL absence as an excuse for not going out. Never give someone that kind of power in your life. Good Luck!

You, or better yet, your husband, need to address the situation with your MIL. As others have said, she may not realize how it seems to you. I recommend making it "about" your daughter and how she would love to have more grandma time. There may be things that you don't realize, like maybe she moans about having her other grandchildren too and he own daughter just takes advantage anyway. Talk to her once and hopefully the situation will improve. But, maybe she really does play favorites, in which case, you need to move on because she will not likely change. My grandmother is like this and we've just grown to realize that nothing we can do will put us in the same league as the favorites, so we've stopped trying. The best you can do is let your daughter know that it's not her fault early on so she doesn't grow up thinking she's done something to displease grandma herself.