Failure to Launch?

When i graduated high school my mom and dad told me that if i still continued on to college and wanted to stay in thier house i could but i needed ot follow house rules, which included chores and helping to keep the house running smoothly. Now if i chose not to go to school i was to pay 300 dollars in rent which i recieved receipts for and hold down ajob. I was still to follow house rules like cleaning my own dishes and washing my own cloths, even rules as far as calling if i was not going to be coming home that night, mostly to be nice and not freak them out if i came in late. I think that if he wants to stay in the house then you need to all set down and come up with house rules and if he doesn't like it then he can try and find a place when he can make the rules. My parents did not do this becasue they did not love me but the opposite they wanted me to know what the real world was all about with out having to suffer the hardships of living on the street when i can't pay my rent cause i didn't want to have a job.

I'm guessing you don't watch Dr. Phil, right? He's done a whole slew of shows on this type of topic and makes the point that this situation benefits you (the parent) to the detriment of the child. Dr. Phil's position is that you are feeding your guilt to make yourself feel better, but this hurts your child. This is just a hunch, but how much does your 20 year old help with watching your youngest? And, if you did not have a seven year old in the home who benefits from the extra supervision, would have already given the 20 year old his walking papers?

He will not be happier being independent but being independent is an important step in growing up. Your job is to help him grow into a man . . . and a MAN does not live at home with his mommy while refusing to pay rent and/or do chores.

My husband handled this a couple of years ago with our 18 year old charge by offering to drive him to the (Army) recruiter's office. His philosophy was that if you want someone to take care of you (food, clothing, housing, medical) then you're not going to do it without giving something back. And a drill instructor is NOT going to be sympathetic to complaints about chores!

Your son is walking all over you and obviously does not respect you, otherwise he would not be refusing to pay rent because you expect him to do chores. Whatever you decide to do, I would make certain you are emotionally able to follow through with it because if you don't follow through with the consequence you will lose even more credibility and respect.

I personally would give him a written three day notice to pay rent or vacate. (This would include the exact amount he has to pay in past-due rent and it gives him the option of paying it within those three days or moving out.) I would also raise his rent to the amount that he would have to pay to rent a room in any other private home and would make it crystal clear that he WILL do reasonable chores around the house. I would put this into a written lease and would require him to sign it. I would also include a clause that this is a six month lease and that he will be expected to move out at the end of that lease unless he is enrolled in college AND making passing grades. I would absolutely evict him (while making it clear that he was invited to dinner at least once a week) if he failed to comply.

But if your son won't respect these rules and you have any concerns about enforcing the consequences, give him the required 20 day notice to move out and give him the walking papers on his life. (And don't give him any financial support to move out or get started in an apartment. If he doesn't have the savings, he can sell some of his many toys that he's been able to buy because he's been mooching off of mom for the last two years!)

On a personal note: I have a 30-something year old sister who bounces back and forth between my mother and father's basement. She has always worked full-time. She is smart but she is somewhat lazy and financially irresponsible. She moved out a couple of times, but she didn't like that her standard of living decreased when she had to support herself. She much preferred living in a nice home and having her entire paycheck to buy what she wanted. My parents did NOT do her any favors. She is a dependent child masquerading as an adult. She has no sense of self-worth. I think the thought of living alone terrifies her. I worry about who she will be when she's in her 50s - particularly since my parents will probably not still be alive (because they both have significant health problems now.)

i think you should kick him out too if he isnt going to school.
helping around the house is a silly reason not to pay rent too...if he had his own place hed have to do both.
as i was growing up my mom always told us "you can live here as long as you want, but after you turn 18, if you arent going to school you will pay rent and still help around the house". and i did until i was 19.
wiht my youngest sister, she stayed and stayed even though she had a job and wasnt going to school. she just didnt want to spend money on full rent on an apartment, she wanted her money to go to "fun" things. mom didnt let that fly for very long.

Hi S. -

I'll share something with you just so you can see where things like this *can* lead =) ..

My ex partner who is my daughter's dad still lives with his father. He's 30! He works part time in a minimum wage job even though he has a college dregree and training in two separate and very lucrative fields (he's a licensed toyota mechanic and has training in tech stuff) just so that he wont have to pay child support. .. The ONLY time he has lived on his own is when he lived with me and at that time, he was making three times as much money as I did because I worked part time (I had a new baby at home) and even still - he could not manage to pay for his half of the rent most of the time ... He is a loser with a capitol L.

Your son is much younger than my ex - It sounds as though he is MUCH more motivated as well and would never let himself get that dependant on his mom .. but I do know from watching my ex just skate by that it is a slippery slope - and if boundaries arent made clear - it is just too easy to get caught up in a life where you dont have to support yourself

S.-

This is a really tough one these days- SO MANY parents are in your position.

The only thing I can say is- this is an individual decision for families- but for me, if a kid has finished HS, and is not going to college, then he needs to start figuring out what he will do with his life.

Does he think if he keeps his apartment picked up that the landlord will not charge him rent? Chores are a daily part of life- AS IS paying our living expenses. When we have kids, we make a commitment to raise them- not to financially support them for life. Once they get to the teen years, they have to start participating in that "growing up" program. Some kids do take a little longer to "grow up" than others- and this has to be managed on a case by case basis- and is where our individual judgment comes in. But this is (much more so I think that previous generations) a group of young people who are willing to stay at home and not pay bills as long as they can.

I guess I'd just like to offer you support no matter what YOUR decision is. And I would encourage you to engage your son in an adult to adult conversation about where he is headed and precisely what his plan is. Does he want a year to save money? How will you know he is actually saving the money? What are his occupational goals and is he on that path? Etc., etc. What are you willing to do? What are the boundaries and limitations?

Good luck. Don't let mama guilt make you do things you would rather not!

M.

I say if he is not doing enough chores to make it really seem like a fair deal so that it actually lightens your burden as a single mom like the following list:

shovel snow/mow yard
fix meals for the family (not order pizza)
clean house top to bottom every week
laundry
grocery shopping
driving siblings to where they need to go
and whatever else you hate to do or just don't have the time to do

Then, I say that you need to have him pay rent and be sure to include food or gently nudge him out. I don't like the idea of changing locks like others have suggested mostly because I don't think that I would have wanted to be told that. I was threatened to be disinherited (for dating someone my parents did not approve of based upon race) and that has left a lasting imprint on me (mostly a sense of rejection). I know that it is not exactly the same thing, but I would not have the lock changing be my first course of action without pursuing other avenues first. Maybe it could be said in jest, but I would not want to feel kicked out or abandoned (although I was never in this situation as there was no way I was staying).

Of course, my answer would be different if he was stealing,etc. However, it sounds like you have not really sat down with him and explained that you can no longer afford to support him in the way that you have been. I would give him a couple of choices (this is supposed to be what works w/ kids right?):

1. Long list of chores that he needs to do to cover the cost of room and board.

2. Pay rent and food costs

3. Pay rent and do limited chores to cover the cost of food.

4. Start looking for housing and roommates. I would say 1-1.5 months to move out. However, in the meantime he needs to contribute (this may be left to your discretion if he has enough for a deposit for an apt. etc.)

Of course tell him that you love him dearly in all of this, but don't let momma guilt into the equation otherwise he will be 30 or 40 before he moves out. I do know of some cases where the child has stayed single and never left home (extended family) yikes!!!

My mom had the same issue with my brother, but I would not want you to deal with it the way she did... *smile* She was the one who moved and I moved in and rented the house from her. My brother stayed and I was told that he could not be kicked out while I was living there so I supported him until I decided to move to Spokane and she sold the house and just told him that he needed to find a place cause he could not move with her at the age of 22.

But really at 20 years old he should be paying rent and helping around the house, or at the very least cleaning up after himself. But life will happen to them all at some point, sooner or later. The decisions you make will be the right ones. Do not guilt yourself in to letting him stay or making him go. Just do what you think is right... for you and your family.

In your shoes my worry would be that the longer you let the oldest stay then the younger 2 are going to think they can stay that long too.

just be happy!
and Laugh!

the way i see it, is he needs to either pay or leave. it doesn't matter that he cleans up, he's grown. if he had his own place he would have to do it all and it shouldn't be any different at home. they only exception i would make is if he is going to school. and since when is it ok for a 20 year old to tell his mom he won't pay bills in her house because he cleans up after himself. i'm not in anyway trying to knock you, but how can you let him get away with this. i think its time for some tough love.

i don't really know too much about this as i am only 25 (i did move out at 18 though) married to the army and have a one year old son, but i would assume that forcing him to take more responsibility for himself is a good idea but kicking him out might be not be the best way (again i may have no clue what im talking about) but maybe making his living conditions undesireable so that he chooses to move out himself. not so much that he is miserable and you look like a mean mommy but just by enforcing rules such as rent and chores that he will obviously never want to do. he will get mad, hate living there (after all, if he is forced to pay rent he would rather pay to live on his own or with buddies right?) and decide to move out. and when he does he will realize (the hard way) how much easier it was living with you even when he was forced to do chores and pay rent and he will grow up and learn what life really expects out of him. good luck.

Hi i am not coming at you as a mom i am coming at you as a person who three years ago was in this same spot as the child. The only way he is going to figure out life is if he is outta your house. I was 21 thinking i knew everything and was waltzing in and out of my parents house at all hours of the night becuse i was a grownup and they couldnt tell me when to be home and yadda yadda. They were ocncerned that i would be influnecing my younger sister and i was. The only way your son in going to grow up and figure life out is if he has grownup reponsiblities like paying rent to a land lord and paying for his food power and so on..my mom and dad finally pulled the plug on me and i am now married with two beautiful boys. I am not suggesting he go out and get married but the only way for him to really see how life is will be for him to be out. you dont have to kick him out per say but help him pick out a place close to home that he knows he can go back and forth and rely on you but he does need to go.

Hi S., I am not sure if this will help or not but, My cousin is about the same age. HE was going to college but then quit without telling his parents so when he was to head back out he told his parents that he had nothing to go back to because he had already quit. Which kind of was troubling being that they had already sent in a tuition payment.

They basically said to him that he had to get a job, and he had to pay rent, pay for car insurance, pay for food, all of the above, hoping that would make him WANT to go back to school ...He hates his job and is starting to realize that it is harder than he thought and that he does need to get a degree....so he will be going back to school..My point is this....

You are 20 years old, even if he was living on his own he would need to do dishes, and take out the garbage and keep his apt clean, cleaning bathroom and the like....AS WELL AS PAY RENT...that is part of life!!!

So you say that look, he is old enough to be on his own if he is choosing not to go to college he can continue to pay you rent for his staying there but his chores have to be done too because he would have to do it if he were living on his own as well, if he refuses to do the work, then perhaps he does need to find his own place to live then he can do whatever he wants to do. If he does not want to clean his apt that is his perogative but you do not have to live with it...

IT is not tough love it is just part of life....Do not feel guilty it is a good disciplinary option for a parent to give to their adult children....trust me, if he is fine with that then make sure he pursues it, give a deadline or whatever, sometimes they just need that structure put into place for them...Hope that helps a little bit

HI S., mom it is time he needs to go he will not grow up if you keep letting him stay he is not learning responsibility. my girlfriend & I were just talking about this same subject today because her daughter just turned 18yr and she doesn't want to follow the rules or help around the house. so she stuck a 30 day notice on bedroom door. and said locks will be changed. but she said she had to do that because if she didn't what is she learning about life. she said she might be mad for now but in the long run she will see mom did the right thing. so mom he needs to go stop carrying him along. you are hurting him more by letting him stay. be strong and do that if he was going to colledge full time maybe different story. but he is not, time to go tell him you love him this is why you are doing this. then change the locks to let him know you mean buisness. good luck. ~L.~

What is the incentive for him to grow up if mom is still taking care of him. He should at least have to pay rent if he is not going to college and he should have to help around the house. If he has to do those things, then he may deside it isn't worth it and move out on his own.