Extremely Whinny 3 Year old...help? Pleeease! ;0(

Stop her. Say: [ ], you are whining. I cannot hear you when you are whining. And, ignore her request until she uses an appropriate tone. Model the correct tone for her. Say: [ ], this is how you ask for something. Mommy, may I have [ ]. If she is still whining, say: [ ] until you use the proper tone with me, I will not give you what you want. We do not whine in this family. Then, model how it sounds by repeating it or exaggerating it to show her it is annoying. You might have to do this three times or so, but when she realizes she's not getting results by whining, she should stop. Bring it to her attention each time she does it so she can hear the difference. If it continues, I offer a naptime. My children hate naps, and I remind them, oh, you're whining, you must be sleepy. Are we ready for a nap? That usually ends the whining immediately. Let the Moms know if this helped!

I totally agree with Stacey E. You have to be consistent and know how you are going to respond to any whining. I tell my daughter - "no whining, I cannot understand you when you whine." And I ask her to come back to me when she is ready to talk like a big girl.

In my opinion, time-outs for something like this are not effective and will not help her to learn what she is doing wrong. If you coddle her then you are reinforcing her whining - she is basically thinking, ok if I whine then Mommy gives in...

Stay consistent and don't tolerate the behavior if you want it to stop.

Good luck!

Yeah, been there, done that. Just be glad your asking this at 3yr and not 13yr. I know you said you have tried ingnoring, but try,try again. What she is doing is an act of controll. Remember that as children evrything is a lerning experiance, even if the lesson is how to drive you crazy. In your case, ignoring unwanted behavior and rewarding wanted behavior is the best thing to do. When she goes into whinning mode you have to go into actting mode. Don't even give her the idea that it is bothering you and be sure not to hold on to the unwanted act,(reminding her of what you don't want her to do.)this will only let her know that you did acknolege it. This is one of the most useful tools in your arsonal. Insted, when she is behaving, tell her how pround you are for her talking to you( I like it when you talk to mommy, I can hear you so well when you talk like that, Your doing a great job using your polite voice). The more you praise her for the wanted act and ignore her for the unwanted act, the more of the wanted results you'll see. All children want attention and they don't care how they get it. Unlike us they have yet to develope reasoning skills. Cause and effect is at it's lowist form. This is really going to be a war of will. Keep in mind that she is 3yr and really has less responsibility's then you, therfore what seems to you like forever is just something to do for her. Whenever you feel like giving in, just think if this learned behavior continues the risk she could put herself in by using this tool agaist you. I know a "tool". Yeah, if you run around trying to please her just to get it to stop, she will relize all the other things she can whip this out for. You, as her mother, are the first teacher and her life. You cannot do what makes you feel better for the moment(giving in, or giving her what you think she wants or even what she wants), in doing that you are only rewarding the behavior you don't want for a moment of peace. She has no idea what is best for her but its O.K. becuse thats what your here for. You have to sometimes bite the bullet and be strong even threw the toughiest times like unbeariable whinning. In the end you are looking to win the war not just the battle. At the end of it all you will have a child that understands that whinnning reaps no reward at all so it will no longer serve a purpose.

Hi -- I didn't have time to read all the responses, so maybe someone already suggested this. But what worked for us was to make a poster of "Family Rules" and set up a reward system. Rule #1 was "no whining and complaining," Rule #2 was "listen to Mommy and Daddy," etc. At the end of every day, we talk about whether she followed the rules that day. If yes, then she gets a smiley face on the reward chart. When she gets 10 smiley faces, she gets a surprise (trip to McDonald's, small toy, etc.). If no, then no smiley face. If she starts to whine during the day, I just point at the rules and remind her that she won't get a smiley face if she breaks them. It works most of the time, but not always (she is 3, after all!). Good luck!

Don't give in to the whining it will only make it more persistant. Explain to her that you cannot hear her when she is whining and continue on with whatever else you were doing. Consistence is the key-do it EVERY time and don't bounce around with discipline techniques. Stick with one consistently even if it doesn't seem to be working.
Also remember that you have surpassed the terrible twos only to enter the trying threes! You too shall survive this and she will too-one way or another!
Hang in there- you are where you need to be!

I can tell you from experience that children do what works for them. Just like tantrums, whining is a child's attempt to be in control. If she can control your behavior by whining, then it is working for her, and she probably sees no reason to stop. Try this: when she whines for something, say "no" and turn your back and get busy doing something else. Try not to engage her in a discussion about it. Let your "no" be "no." Children are smart. If you are consistent about this, she will quickly figure out that whining is no longer getting her what she wants, even if that is simply attention. You might feel cruel at first, but don't worry about it. You are helping her much more by teaching her how to handle life and talk to people respectfully than you would be by letting her run your home with her whining.

You MUST stay consistent. When she asks for something in a way that shows respect (whining doesn't), reward her by responding in a positive way. That doesn't mean you have to give her whatever she wants, however. You are the parent for a reason. Children do not know what is best for them, and making them happy is not our what being a parent is all about. Sometimes what is good for them will involve a little unhappiness on their part.

Sorry, don't mean to sound like an authority on the subject. These are things I'm still learning.

There is such a thing as being too "kind". Your problem may be that you are trying so hard to please your child that you are creating the problem. I had to learn this with my daughter. She was a whiner too and it was irritating my husband and me. I kept making excuses for her fussing thinking she must need this or that. finally we realized we were feeding the problem by catering to her whines. So we changed our ways. Every time she whined we firmly told her, "No fussing!" She did not get what she wanted. It took awhile and we had to be consistent. Finally she got the idea that we would not cater to her fussing. She would only get what she wanted if she asked in a sweet humble way. Trust me: babies know what they are doing and they know how to manipulate their parents. It's time to be firm or the problem will worsen. Look her right in the eyes and clearly say, "No more fussing!" AF

My family practitioner is a mom, too. Her advice was to say "I can't hear you" when the whining starts. You can't "hear" her as long as she whines. Also, don't give in to her when she starts whining just to get her to stop, that just rewards that inappropriate behaviour and she'll learn to whine for everything. My daughter, who is almost 6, still tries whining to get what she wants, but she also knows that guarantees she won't get it.

Saying "I can't hear you" is hard at first, but it gets easier. Your daughter may try shouting at you, but you can't hear that either. You can only hear her when she speaks politely, says please, etc.

Hope this helps. It helped me.

Hang in there; we've all been through the whines and as the mom of an eight-year-old, I can tell you, it will be back in other forms as she gets older!

But for now, think how her three-year-old mind sees this game, because that's partly what it's becoming to her. She's gotten a lot of different reactions from you, which keeps it interesting for her. And sometimes, she finds, her whining does get what she wants. So she keeps whining.

SM gives great advice, and a version of what she recommends worked for us. Like SM said, be consistent (and ensure any caregivers are too.) When your daughter whines, tell her very calmly and nicely, "I'm so sorry, but when you use that voice I don't understand what you're saying," then always turn away and go ahead with something else. Try not to say anything more to her or correct too much; respond only when she can come to you with what you've told her is her nice voice. I did this with my daughter and it mostly worked well -- If she kept whining I'd only say variations on "Sorry, I really don't understand your words. Can you ask me that in your calm voice?" If she just keeps it up, smile nicely and keep ignoring her -- or distract her, but not by giving her what you really know she's whining for.

I think my daughter at 2 and 3 really began to think I literally could not hear her if she spoke like that!

Of course there will be days it just doesn't seem to work, especially if she's physically tired or upset about something else. But calmness and consistency and not reacting too much will help eventually. Whining is totally typical at her age; try not to let it become a battle every time, hard though that is. Good luck and let us know what happens!

hi brooke,
this is a tough phase for sure! don't keep trying a buncha different things, be simple and brief. pick your response to a whine and make it a positive statement, ie 'i only understand big girl voices' rather than 'i can't hear you' (which is patently untrue......3 year olds don't get irony.) then do not respond to her until she actually does use her big girl voice.
there is no quick fix for this. but it IS a phase and it will pass, even if it seems endless while you're in it<G>.
hang in there!
:) khairete
S.

Just be firm with her. It's a stage that passes, mind you a very difficult stage for parents. So far, two of my 3 kids have hit it at 4, and I'm praying once I get the last one out of his 2's and past his 4's, we will be done with it. But it does work with my daughter now to be firm with her and tell her that I am not listening to her at all. Good luck!

Hi Brooke,
Have you tried to tell her (and then show her) that whining does not get you what you want? When my little one is getting whiny, I sit down with her and explain that that is not how we get what we want, then I show her how to get it. It works most of the time. When that doesn't work, I explain to her that it will not work, and put her on her bed for a minute or two, or until she has calmed down enough to ask for whatever it is that she wants. I have found that we only need to resort to the bed thing once in a while now when she is tired. It is a learning process, but if you start now she should pick up on the idea rather quickly.

Good Luck!

My thoughts go to sleep. How many naps is she she getting? Maybe she's not getting enough naps or if she is maybe she's not going to bed early enough. My daughter goes to bed at 7pm and will wake up on her own most morning at about 6:30am. That seems to be what goes on with her if she doesn't get enough sleep. In my opinion if you are the reason your child is acting up she you should solve it. I'm not saying she shouldn't get punished for acting up but you should try to avoid it. There are alot of parents out there that are the cause of their kids acting up and they punish their kids for being tired. Us as adults have trouble being nice or doing like we should if we are tired why would we expect any better from our kids when they don't get enough sleep. Good luck

I used to tell my youngest that if she was going to whine or cry she had to do it in her room. I'd bring her there and leave her. I told her that she could come out when she could speak nicely.
It took some time, but it worked.
YMMV
LBC

Well, it's totally normal, but I know it doesn't help to hear! I will also warn you that it may continue or return, but I think three is the WORST!! Still a baby and lacking in some impulse control, but old enough to do it on purpose and manipulate.

The best think is to force her to replace the whine with something better. I should note, I don't like traditional timeouts and don't think they are effective or really fitting for most discipline issues. When I hear the whines, I don't respond. I igore it, and I wait it out. At first, she will get upset because you are ignoring her, and then you tell her that she needs to speak clearly and nicely and then you will understand her.

Teach her what you mean, how it sounds to be whiney - demonstrate the bad way and the good way to ask the same question. Tell her it hurts your ears to hear the ugly way and please to speak more kindly or be silent until she has something nice to say. I have it down with my five year old: "Oh, were you talking to me? I couldn't understand what you said because you were whining."

She may not get it or do it right away, but give her a couple weeks, and it reallly does help. Make sure all her caregivers are consistent. In my case, Grandma gives in to the whining, and I have to remind her to be kind and respectful to all. I also point out that she would not like to be talked to like that, and if she talks to her friends like that then they won't like playing with her. Etc. Etc.

Just be calm and set an example. The more bothersome she becomes, the calmer and quieter you should be.

Good luck!!

I agree with most of the Ladies, you need to be brief and firm, say in a calm voice," stop, you are whining" and we don't whine in this family,I can't understand you ! I did this with my now 7 year old when she was 3 and it was like a switch, she immediately switched to nice voice, because she knew, she wouldn't get anything if she whines. It works to this day !takes a little patience but works, also make sure you don't whine yourself when you say it to her, which happened to me, sometimes and my husband would let me know, because I didn't realize !good luck

My son just turned three and a few months ago was very whiny. I would ask him to say it nicely, say please, etc. And if the first time was marginally better I'd do what he asked. One day I kept having him try saying it again 4 times, and he and I were both amazed at how much better it was! It truly worked. Some days I still have to try 3 times, but often he'll start a sentence whiny and end it pleasant. He is more tuned in to how he sounds. Especially with her hearing Russian for two years, she may need time to try it again, get it out in English, etc. I read in a book you could tape record her and play it back so she really knows what she sounds like. I've also found if my son is whiny because I'm making dinner or something that me saying "why are you whiny" or "find something to play with" doesn't work. I have to redirect him...would you like to wash the sliding door? I know many people can get their kids to do time out, but I've found my leaving the room and saying I don't want to hear that works better. Getting him to his room, sit in a chair, whatever is still attention and drags the drama out. I hope you find something that works for you, it would be a shame to put her in daycare after finding a home with you.

Hang in there! Like you already know/said, it's a plea for attention. Not that you're not already giving it to her :-) I've also found that when my 3 1/2 yo get's whinny/melts down, that if I just "let her get through it" on her own, she comes out an angel on the other side. Giving into her just reinforces the whinning on her end. And if all else fails, just lock yourself in the bathroom for a few minutes!! :-)