Extremely Sensitive 4 Yr Old Boy!

Y.,
Your descriptions of your son remind me so much of my son when he was younger. He has always been my cuddler and even at 12 years old, he loves hanging out with me. He has always been very in tune with issues that emotionally hurt people which makes him a very caring child. I worried about his self-esteem for MANY years. I did my best to tell him words of encouragement every chance I got and made sure he knew how special I thought he is. a few years ago, he was really having issues with allowing comments other kids made to him hurt his feelings, so badly that he didn't want to attend school any longer. I did end up getting involved a few times and letting the school know when some of the kids were teasing him (I was able to use the no bullying tolerance policy in the schools). For my son, as he has matured, he has actually grown emotionally and things don’t bother him as much now. I’m really not sure what caused the change with him, but as of last year, 5th grade, he seems to get along with every one in his grade and he’s not having self-esteem issues. I hope this helps and hopefully it won’t take as long for your son to grow into his emotions. Oh, we did find a sport my son was naturally gifted in and this might have helped him also. I know you have tried a few sports, is there anything else your son is naturally gifted at that he can do? I bet if you can get him involved with an extra curricular activity that he can excel at, that will help build his esteem. Hope this helps!
C.

I understand your concern for now and for the future. You are very wise to be in tune with this. I have 3 kiddos b/w 8-12, boy-girl-boy and have come acquainted with some of what you're experiencing. I would definitely get a relationship going with a therapist. The first one you go to might not be a good fit so keep going till you find the right one. Check with your pediatrician and your insurance to get a list of candidates to start with. There may be a very reasonable and treatable reason for who he is in moments like you described. Sensitivity and perfectionism are commom in kids with ADD (the type that does not have the hyperactivity with it) and also common in kids who are eventually diagnosed as "gifted". What's cool about the time we live in is that b/c of recent (last decade) brain research, we can know a lot more about why we are the way we are. If your son has something that can be medicated or treated, then his future is not as hopeless as it might feel right now. (I know medicating is a whole other animal but I'm just making the point that if this is how he was made, you'll be doing him a favor by pursuing options that might provide some relief for him.) I wish you well. I will say that when those sensitive little boys get older, they can be a delight. I have one that is so intuitive that he can come to me in the middle of a lifestorm and hug my waist and say, "Do you know you're the best Mom in the whole world?" I can't WAIT to meet his wife one day. She will LOVE that. I know soccer and swimming have given you some angst, but there can be some upsides to who he is down the road. Sensitivity cannot be taught. With maturity and management, it can lead to one compassionate soul. Same with perfectionism. With maturity and management, this type of person can bring a healthy excellence to anything they do. Hope to you!

I would strongly encourage you to take your son to see a therapist who specializes in children with these types of issues. Since his perfectionism and sensitivity are already affecting him in a negative way, you don't want to wait to see if he'll just grow out of it.

Y.,

My daughter is 4 and turning 5 in May. the kids at her daycare are ruthless. She too is very sensative and doesn't understand when things don't go right. Try to find out what interest him and get him involved in that. We are always telling my daughter how great she is even when she makes a mistake. This has been a tough one for us too. I am at a loss what to do most of the time. She has also called herself bad, loser, and not a good girl when she does something not so perfect. It is difficult for me to hear her say that. If you find the magic answer let me know.

Thanks,

C.

My son is 5 and is very sensitive as well. He also deals with the perfection issue. Soccer is fine, but the inability to do jumping jacks before the game sends him spinning. I just keep reassuring him, "It's fine, it's not a big deal, relax." I know part of the anxiety comes from me, but I also think he might be gifted. As a former teacher, and a sister of a gifted girl, I know that perfectionism is HUGE. My sister is an amazing artist, but would wait to do her term painting until the night before because of her fear of messing it up, and by messing it up I mean one missed stroke of the brush. My husband is also gifted, and he's very sensitive too.

So, I'd say, keep encouraging him and talking to him. And once he gets to school, talk to his teacher about his school's gifted program. I'm sure you can also look up stuff on line about being gifted, there's lots of other characteristics, and you might find that your son has many of these. (Obsessing with one toy or group of toys, thinking outside of the box and many others.)

Hi Y.!
It can be really scary for a child. There are so many things in this world that they have little to no control over, that you can see why they would want to control what they can.
Our oldest son is very competetive, so he doesn't like to try things he doesn't know he'll be good at. We do our best to help him know that his worth is not based on what he does.
If you believe in God, we've also found it incredibly helpful for our son to know that there is Someone who is in control, even when he can't be. We let him know that there are plenty of things that we, the big strong parents, can't even control, but that God loves us and will take care of us.

I agree with Yolanda, Lisa, and Kitty about going to see a therapist. Your son is so young and I would hate to see him go through life waiting to "out grow" this. These are issues that are at the core of his belief system and his sense of self and a good therapist should be able to build a relationship with him, uncover the cause, and strengthen his self-esteem and confidence, while also teaching that it is ok to make mistakes. I'm a psychologist and reading your story tears my heart out since I also have 2 very young sons (ages 3 and 1). Since he is so young, you might try to find a child psychologist or therapist who specializes in play therapy. I wish you and your family the best.

I read the little booklet once that was handed out at our church on Father's Day. It was awesome.
It talked about how little girls need to know that they're worthy from their fathers so that when they grow up they seek the right message from men courting them. Not, you're beautiful, or what you do is nice, but that you're worthy - of love, of respect, of happiness.
It also talked about how boys are different. They need to know that they can conquer. They can be king of the mountain and they need to know that from their father. They need to understand that they are capable, not because it's easy, but because they can work and fight for it!

Where's Dad in this scenario? I think he needs to get involved in assuring his son that he can conquer the mountain that is life - especially when the going gets tough.

You said that your son quit swimming, karate & now soccer... he's 4 - he can't quit - you let him quit! What is he going to do the first time he gets a bad grade in school? Will you let him quit then? How is he going to handle the first time he and his wife fight? Will he quit then?

What are you preparing him for?

I know it's scary to see them fall and fail, your job is to make sure they know that no matter how far they fall or how badly they fail they'll always have your love. You're their safety net - not their safety gear.

I understand that you're afraid of breaking his spirit, but I think you need to be more afraid of life in the future breaking his spirit... you'd much prefer him learn these hard lessons while he's safely in your keep than when he's out on his own - when it's harder for your influence of love to be felt.

Make him pick one thing and then push him to finish it. Tell him "yup, that was hard, and you didn't do as well as the other kids, but you kept trying... I'm so proud of that". Don't let his value rest in his actions, but his effort.

It sounds to me like you're a really loving parent, so if you did some reading and kept talking to other parents you could probably make quite the turnaround without therapy - though I'd recommend a "small group" at your church or if you're still interested in therapy churches are good places to start looking for referrals. There's also a great book called "How to really love your child". It's really reassuring and has great ideas for raising your child so they become a great adult!

I hope this helps you and I hope that you're able to help your son be the man you want him to be!

T.

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Hi Y.,
My son is exactly the same way, except he is only 2 1/2, but he is just starting ealize when other children are being mean. I posted something like this yesterday, and I thought some of the responses I received were helpful. you could look them up as well. I will be watching the feedback from your post here. I'm glad to see I'm not the only one feeling this way!
J.

PLEASE take him to therapy. We as parents can be so affectionate & loving to our kids (especially 1 time parents) that we make them just as you've described. NO....it's not a bad thing but we can smother our childen with so much love (baby them) & then when it's time to go to school & so on that they're way more sensative then the next kid. You can't help that you love him & have so much love to give & that you want nothing in this world to affect him...your a Mom:-). I think you know (deep down) that this may be a little more then even you can handle & it's okay, seek counseling for the family because it may give you piece of mind as well. People & the world can be cruel equip your son now (it's not to late) & you'll be happy that you did. I wish you the best & God Bless! I hope that I didn't offend you because that was not my intention...but I've been where you are & let's just say I didn't do it twice, I have two boys age 13 & 23.