Explaining Death to a Kindergartener

Updated on November 25, 2006
A.B. asks from Ballwin, MO
13 answers

My grandmother passed away on Saturday and my 5 1/2 yr old daughter was extremely close to her. She is obviously very upset and is asking a lot of tough questions. She is a gifted child, so the questions are very detailed and she expects adult answers. Does anyone have a suggestion on what to tell her about what happens to the body, the funeral itself and why she can't kiss her on the lips before they bury her? The funeral is Tuesday, so I'd love to get a few ideas before then. Thank you so much!

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So What Happened?

Thank you to all of you who responded. I thought about what each one of you said. My family does not believe in an open casket, so that was one thing we didn't have to deal with. In our faith we believe it is important not to shelter a child from death, but to allow them to grieve with the family. We decided not to have her at the visitation, but that night she made a special picture for GG and we had it put in her casket so it would be there the day of the funeral. She handled the whole situation very well. While she still asked a lot of questions and had her weepy moments, she was a trooper. She ascorted the casket and before she was taken to the cemetary, she kissed the casket where GG's face would be. She rubbed the casket during the short visitation before the funeral stood "guard" for a good hour to make sure no one bumped her. We bought roses and each of us placed a rose on her casket before it was put in the crypt to be lowered into the ground and she was happy her flower would be with GG forever. She has been sad, but totally understands what happened. She was happy she got to go say good bye to her and I was happy that she had that chance. After this experience I can say that I would encourage all of you to allow your children to go to the funeral if you are ever in this situation. It was the best choice we could have made for all of us. She was also a great sorce of strength for my father who was extremely emotional over the loss of his mother. Thanks again to all of you for your kind words and helpful advice. What a great network of other moms to help reassure you you are making a sound decision. Have a Happy Thanksgiving everyone! We all have much to be thankful for.

More Answers

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D.T.

answers from Tulsa on

I'm sorry for your loss.
My beloved Grandmother died last summer and we did this, the boys went to the viewing with me. They also went to the funeral. My husband has a phobia about dead bodies so he kept the boys with him well away from her. (he didn't attend the veiwing)

I showed the older boy that this was more than laying still on the bed. She was cold and didn't look pink like he and I did. That was because all the great things about her had moved from her heart to ours. She didn't need her body anymore so we were going to say goodbye to that. It's just like Church, lots of music and people speaking because it's a special way to say goodbye.

The burying is just like planting a seed. Here will always be a place that she is buried and from that spot grow warm feelings that you can come visit and talk to her there.

To ease her need to express her love, give her a bear or animal that was special to your grandmother then have her hug and kiss it. There may be an occasion that you could put the toy into the casket and she will know that her love goes with Grandma to the grave.

Death is just the end of life when our love and life goes on without a body. It lives in our memories and the little things we do just like Grandma. {I sew and crochet and hum or sing at the weirdest times.}

For now just cover dying of old age and what ever your religion says about the afterlife. One way or another she needs to be reassured that the love Grandma had for her is still there and always will be.

1 mom found this helpful
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B.C.

answers from Joplin on

One of the biggest lessons I have learned as of lately is it is okay to say that you don't have all the answers. This doesn't mean that you say "I don't know" but it is okay to explain about religion and what some believe others don't. I think that the comfort doesn't so much come from your words, but that it comes from the sound of your voice. Your daughter should know that you will be around for a long long time. Death is very scary to young kids because it seems so final (if you don't believe in an afterlife) so my suggestion is to tell her she isn't alone and you are hurting too.
I also question whether a funeral is appropriate for a 5 year old. It might be quite traumatic. I understand that they were very close but to be quite honest, it could be the most vivid memory she has of her grandma for the rest of her life. Maybe not....but funerals are very mysterious. Also, if you help yourself grieve over this loss, then you may be better equipped to help your daughter cope and can hold your own kind of ceremony.
So sorry for your loss. Sincerely, from a mom who lost her grandma at six....B.

1 mom found this helpful
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T.K.

answers from Kansas City on

Dear A. B.,
Unfortunately I know all to well how to explain about someone special leaving. A year ago my husband passed away and my daughter was 4 yrs. old, she is a very bright child and her communication skills make it hard to remember how young she is. She was very close to her stepfather Mike and she still cries for missing him. We discussed him getting sick and being in the hospital and how they couldn't fix him and he went to heaven to watch over us always. We went to his headstone and talked to him all the time so she could leave pictures she drew for him, flowers and just to tell him we missed him very much. She keeps a photo of her with her daddy Mike as she called him by her bed. It helps her alot. I hopw this helps you. T. K.

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P.B.

answers from Peoria on

Hi A.,
The thing you can do is visit her grave one day where they will definitely ask questions and then explain, they put her here for us to visit, but God took her home. It's the truth and it's not omplicated. If they ask why, tell them. Don't under estimate the intelligencce of a five year old. My 3yr. old granddaughter knows why her grandparents aren't here and ask me to take them to visit them sometimes, so we go and sing songs to them and take flowers. But, I'm so touched I want to cry and have to hold it in until I take them home

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C.S.

answers from St. Louis on

A.,

My husband died almost a year ago and I had the same problem with my six year old. There is a womderful book called "I miss you, A first look at death" by Pat Thomas. It is a wonderful book for this age group and it explains about death, the funeral, and feeling sad afterwards. I highly recommend it. I'm sorry for your loss. I hope this helps.

C. S.
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T.H.

answers from Bloomington on

First off I am so sorry for your loss.. I never had a Grandmother. But I did have a Grandfather that I loved so very much.. He loved to garden.. I always told my son... since my Grandpa loved to garden.. that when you see that pretty pink in the sky... that is grandpa and his strawberrys.. Oh he had a ton... YUMMMY!!! and all the flowers he had.... The sky just looked so pretty... just like in that johnny appleseed cartoon they have on disney... It made me cry everytime I see it.. I guess cuz I always kinda thought of him... and when he did die.. It was like ya.. It is real....

So when I see it.. I pay so much close attention... and when they get to the end... I have tears....

Your kids are young to understand.. music their are songs that are dear too.. but one thing for sure... take some pic's of your grandma at the service.. go early and take several pic's.. to keep.. You may not want to see them for a while... or print them yet.. but you will want them later.. I still have my granpa on the puter.. I have not printed them yet.. and it has been some time!! But I have them... She one day will be happy to have them.. So will you...

Much love to your family!!! I hope your daughter will be able to understand that God needed your grandma at this time. and one day she will be able to see her again. but she has to live her life and do good things. and many many years from now when she has done allll the things God wants her to do. She will get to see God too.

Maybe that will help...

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L.L.

answers from St. Joseph on

I know this is a little late, but I'm new. My grandmother passed away last month and I had to explain to my daughter about it as well. Unfortunately this wasn't the first death she has had to deal with, so it was a little easier to explain it to her. She asked me why everyone was crying and I told her that Great Grandma had died. I explained that she had gone to see Jesus and she won't be waking up. She never cried, but did a wonderful job considering.

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S.H.

answers from Topeka on

I'm sorry about the pain you are all going through right now. I have a daughter that is also 5 1/2 and is exactly the same way. So I would say to answer her questions as well as you can. I'm sure that when she is older she will appreciate the memories of you being there for her and treating her like a real person instead of a child that is not worthy of a real answer. I would also say that if you think she can handle it that she should be there at the funeral. When I was 6 my best friend in the world (my cousin, 5yrs old) died and I still remember his viewing and the funeral and I treasure those last pictures of him in my mind. I think it would have bothered me MUCH more, growing up and especially now that I'm older, if my family would have keep me from that. Some people might not think about it but kids need closure too. Most of all you know your child best and you will know what to do and what to say. I hope this helps, God Bless you and your family!!

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K.

answers from Peoria on

The advice everyone has given is excellent. One thought though -- if your daughter really wants to "kiss her on the lips", maybe you should consider it. I have seen many adults do the same thing. Maybe you could talk to the funeral director about that possibility and other useful ideas.

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M.S.

answers from Springfield on

My response it to just be honest... Unfortunately there is no easy way to tell them... I know myself as we lost our little girl this past January... My youngest son is having a hard time with it... He is 8 so he understands more, but I know he doesnt fully understand it... Heck I dont and I am 29... It also depends on your outlook religously speeking... But being honest at the begining does help with the questions later... And there will be many... My 2 boys asked all questions about our daughter... I just sat with them cried with them and talked about it... I am sorry for your loss and I hope you can help a little girl feel a little bit better...

M. S.

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D.A.

answers from Decatur on

TELL HER THE SOUL GO TO HEAVEN AND THE BODY RETURNS TO THE DUST IN CAME FROM. THAT GRANDMAS SOUL IS IN HEAVEN AND LIKE JESUS , SHE IS WATCHING OVER YOUR LITTLE GIRL. JUST LIKE WE CAN TALK TO JESUS IN PRAYER WE CAN TALK TO GRANDMA. THERE IS A PASSAGE OF THE BIBLE THAT CAN HELP. READ 1 THESSALONIANS4 VERSES 13-18. ALSO IN 1 CORINTHINIANS 15 VERSE 52" WHEN THE TRUMPET SOUNDS, THE CHRISTIANS THAT HAVE DIED WILL BE RAISED WITH TRANSFORMED BODIES"AND REVELATION 21 VERSE 3 LOOK, THE HOME OF GOD IS NOW AMONG HIS PEOPLE.
A CHRISTIAN WHO DIES WILL MEET GOD AND LIVE WITH HIM FOREVER.
ALL ANSWER TO LIFE AND HOW TO HANDLE IT ARE IN THE BIBLE AND NOW WOULD BE A GOOD TIME TO SHOW YOUR LITTLE GIRL WHAT GOD'S LOVE TRULY IS. GOD BLESS AND GOOD LUCK. MY PRAYERS WITH BE WITH YOU AND YOURS.

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C.

answers from St. Louis on

We went through a similar situation with my daughter - she was 4 1/2 when my husband's grandfather died. We just let her take the lead. We arranged for my mother to bring my daughter to the funeral home for a short period of time because she said she wanted "to tell Grandpa good-bye." We didn't force her to view the body or do anything she wasn't comfortable with. So, she sort of hung out in the back of the room and every once in a while asked "to go see Grandpa." We answered her questions in a manner as matter-of-fact as we could make it. "He's dead. The will bury the body in the ground. He's not coming back." (If you have any belief in the after-life/heaven/etc. now is a good time to discuss it with her). She never asked to kiss grandpa, but did ask if she could hold his hand - which she did. We let her decide if she wanted to go to the funeral, which she also did.

I think the hardest thing for my daughter to handle was seeing all of the adults in her life crying and being sad. We just assured her that we were sad that grandpa was gone because we would miss him, but that we still had good memories of him and that, eventually, we would be able to remember grandpa without the tears.

I wouldn't offer more information than she asks for. And, don't be surprised if she asks questions weeks after the funeral.

One thing....don't let any well meaning friend/relative tell her that her great-grandmother "went to sleep" or you are almost certain to have problems putting her to bed.

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J.M.

answers from Enid on

My husband is a funeral director and sees this type of problem all the time, let her put something in the casket with grandma so she knows grandma will always have a "little piece" of her, and please even if you think you don't want them....i urge you to take pictures, you may not want them for a long time but there will come a time in life you'll be glad you took them...

i lost my grandfather whom i was very very close to when i was 5, being a child who didn't realize it then, but i so wish i had said something to the effect to my parents to please take a picture, i so regret not having that "last moment" as they didnt let me go to the funeral, course when this happened it was kinda a different time, young children didn't really go to funerals...so i regret no pics of my grandpa or grandma....take pics put them on a disk and just save it.

If you have any other questions, please ask, like i said my husband is a funeral director and he helps people with losing their loved ones every day. (dont know how he does it i couldn't)

J.
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