Explaining an Absentee Father

The best advice that I have ever been given is that they won't ask until they are ready to hear it. My daughter's grief counselor in school told me that when she was 8. It sounds to ME like she is really just associating man to the word "daddy"... not that she is asking if that is her daddy. When she sees a man, and says daddy, say "That is a man, you are a girl, I am a woman.... etc. " It doesn't have to be a bigger deal than that. When she DOES ask who HER daddy is, tell her, be honest, and answer no more than you are asked. Children are SO much stronger than we give them credit for. Good luck, and give that baby a hug!

I grew up with a dad who was not part of my life, nor did he pay support. My grandfather and uncles were also a huge part of my life and easily filled whatever gap could have been there if they weren't in my life. I don't know that anyone will have the perfect answer for you. I can say, though, I believe if you focus on the positive, who's in her life, and not the negative, who's not, she will most likely handle it all better. In today's world, it's not as unusual to have non-traditional family setups. If it were me, and again, I don't know you or your daughter, I would tell her that not everyone's daddy lives with them, but that not everyone gets to have all the love from their grandfather or uncles. Let her know how loved she is by who is there, if she ever asks. I don't think I would say anything unless she asks you, though. I hope I helped a little. Good luck, and please know that I turned out pretty well (depends on who you ask), with no feeling that I was unloved thanks to my extended family.

I left my daughter's father when she was about 6 months old because he was there but he wasn't there for me or her. He was there for food in his belly and a roof over his head. He kinda stayed involved till we moved to SC when she was 3yrs old but I always felt like I had to make the first move or suggest he spend time with her. She understands now that we don't live together because we argue a lot and we don't want her seeing that so we chose to live apart and take care of her. Honestly I wish he'd fall off the Earth but I'm not going to tell her that-I keep the negatives I feel about him away from her, she can make up her own mind when she is older. But as far as your daughter goes, right now she is too young to understand why she doesn't have a daddy and others do. She sees others have a daddy and wonders where her's is just like a ball, if the other kids at daycare had a ball but here, she would wonder where her ball is too. But as long as you have a great family support system then that is all the male influence she needs.

And if he doesn't want to be there for her as her daddy-then that is his loss not your's our your daughter's.

S.

Both of the other respondants are correct. I have 2 children whose father left when they were 8 and 3. He has been a part of their lives, but just enough to satisfy himself that he is at least better than his father (completely absent). He is not involved at all on a day to day basis. The 8 year old in 1998 is now 19 and has lots and lots of issues with her father. I believe I should have gotten her some counseling. The 3 year old is now 13 and handles the relationship with his father just fine. It depends on the child too. The 13 year old doesn't remember his dad living with us. The best thing is to be consistant -either he stays involved, or he doesn't. The feeling of abandonment has stayed with my daughter for 11 years. I wish you the best and I hope your daughter will be fine.

I worked in daycare for 5 years and that behavior is normal at that age. The kids in my class would associate men as daddy's and women including myself as mommies. The kids called me mommy even though they knew who the mom was.

There is no need to try and explain her father situation to her. She is just generalizing.

I have been in that same situation, and my daughter met her father at 8 years old. I always told her the truth. We didn't get along and we couldn't live together because it wasn't good for her. I always told her, and this is very important, that it was not her fault, and it had nothing to do with her father loving her. She grew up wanting to meet him, but I explained to her that her father was not ready to take care of her, he would meet her the day he was ready. Let me tell you, we had no contact with him or his family at all, but I showed her pictures of his family. She always fantasized about him, she always talked about him with respect and when she met him, just months ago, she ran to him and hugged him. Maybe when she grows up she will judge him differently. But I think that has to be her decision. You just have to be very patient, and always go with the truth. I hope this helps you. I am a single mom also, had her when I was 39 and it is a long road up hill, but at the end we want them to be happy and not angry.You can email me if you want. Good luck.

I think Kim is completely right. Coming from a broken home myself, I can tell you that your child is in the best situation possible. She will probably not feel the abandonment that she would feel if her father was only there sometimes. You are beautiful to worry so much for her future- but she will be fine- especially since you have surrounded her with so many other loving figures. At her age the best thing to focus on is that there are so many types of families. Her family is special since she has many uncles, and a grandfather, and her mother. She will be fine. good luck.

my kids are grown now but they never saw or knew they dad but i had a good dad and mom and a great brother who help me with my kids i thank god for that they all turn out good and never been in trouble so it sounds like you are a good mmom sd ithink your child will grow up to be a good kid also sound like your doing great and what you should be doing god bless you S.

Hi T.,
This is a tough one and it's hard to admit that the ideal situation isn't going to happen for your sweet girl. (Or who knows maybe it will one day!) In the mean time, I'm a mother of seven children and have found in every way, two key things are best in dealing with any situation. Communication and honesty. So the answer to give your daughter is the truth..in a very gentle way. You'd be amazed at how much little ones understand. They actually understand more than they're able to express. So, you always begin my letting her know about all the people who love her and what a large, group that is. And then you explain that some children don't have a daddy that lives with them and some do, and her daddy doen't live with you...but ...that's okay because we have ...and so on and so on naming all the males she does have in her life. It's a bitter pill. But it's also the truth. Usually all the emotional problems that spring up are from adults trying to keep the truth from their children. You accept it and she will accept it with a shrug and a smile and I "can I go play now?"
And one day if she comes crying to you saying she wishes she had a daddy like everyone else (and keep in mind not everyone else does) you love on her and again tell her the truth. For example, "I know sweetie, that you wish you had a daddy. I wish you had a daddy too. I'm sorry it makes you sad." Then remind her again of all the people in her life who love her. As moms we don't want our children to have to face disappointment and sadness, but helping them to handle the truth when they are little is healthy and good for them. Love and light to you and your family.

I have not been in this situation personally, but I am a minister so I see it often. I think what the other mom said is right. I just wanted to add based on what has happened with my husband and a good friend's child, if the father ever wants to see her - do not initially introduce him as "daddy." Make sure he is going to be a part of her life consistently before you make that leap. Worse than total absenteeism is the Dad who comes and goes without regard for how hurtful it is to the child - whether it was due to divorce or as it is in your circumstance. Deal with her questions in generalities at this age and she gets older be truthful without revealing all the unnecessary details. Blessings to you.

I agree with the Pastor. I have a 9 month old and her father was a dead beat. He is now trying to be involve in her life. We took it very slowly. She does not know him as daddy she knows him as a friend. Until he shows me that he is truely trying to be in her life then he will have the privalage of being called daddy.
Also if this man does not want to be in her life don't worry about it. I felt the same way you do and it really hurts a lot that you see this beautiful baby everyday and see the beauty in her and the man who made her too does not even care to be in her life.
But don't worry about that. It seems like she has great father figures in her life and that can be better than the real thing. They will be better roll models in her life than her father will ever be...

I think the absentee father needs to look beyond himself, to the needs of a precious little girl. If not, she will always look to men for approval, trying to fill that void in her life. Could he not become involved in her life in some way, that she would have this "Daddy connection" that is so important?

We have adopted 3 of our girls. All were abused by men. They would go to strangers with arms outstretched, misdirected in their attentions for the first year or so that we had them (about age 5). I cannot tell you how life changing it is that they now have a Daddy who is the role model they need, to learn appropriate love and to fill that need that every child has to have a Daddy.

Praise God for the uncles and grandfather in her life. They are fulfilling a huge need for her. But if her real Daddy could show up in her life in a bigger way, it will really be to her benefit.

T. M