Experience: Husband Hiding Cheating Them Move Out. Divrce Papers

Updated on April 23, 2011
M.C. asks from Saint Paul, MN
20 answers

Please I am wondering if anyone has experience with a husband cheating then moving out into girlfriends house, wanting wife to sign divorce paperwork or threatening to file for joint custody. (says if sign paperwork now wont file for joint) a friend feels overwhelmened and pushed to sign paperwork and doesn't feel like enough time to talk to an attorney and doesn't have money to pay retainer fees. Any help, idea. Or even if there is someone who has been through this willing to send contact info so she could (if willing and wanting) get a hold of you.

Thank you for all help just a little update she is a sahm, we live in WI it is just st.paul mn was the closes city to use for mamapedia :)

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answers from Modesto on

What's the rush. She needs to grab some money from their account and she already has physical custody of the kids. I would tell her not to sign anything he has to offer....
He's all smitten with the girlfriend and she if forcing the hand because she doesnt want to feel guilty living with a married man with kids. good grief. Make them both suffer by not falling for their manipulative trap.
He wont take the kids, guaranteed that would upset his new little love nest.
She needs to go to the county building and file for a legal separation asap.. and then to social services for some cash help till things settle down.
Her hubby is thinking with his weiner.... so dumb and selfish.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Denver on

Been there, done that. I would be happy to talk with her and share my insights. Have her email me. ____@____.com

2 moms found this helpful

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answers from San Francisco on

I just love Grandma T!

The mama who advised getting 1/2 the money out of the bank account is right. In fact if and large payments are coming up and there is money to cover these bills, it would be fine to take an additional amount to cover those costs, but she may also need receipts/proof to show the court she wasn't being unfair.

She should also make a list of all joint assets, get her name off any credit cards he has and ask for cards only in her name. Keep copies of all tax returns (last 7 years).

Also correct, do not sign anything that has not been throughly read. Legal aid should be able to assist your friend. Your friend's husband would probably file for joint custody at some point anyway, but a man who is having an affair isn't interested in much except for the constant sex he's getting from his girlfriend. She should ask the court to award her attorney's fees, child and spousal support, college tuition, half his 401K/IRA, retirement/pension, etc., (Hopefully she has his employment information regarding all this, if not and he works for a public company that has good benefits, she should get a copy of the latest annual report, it might list the benefits. She should also ask to remain in the family home until her children are of age and/or in college. (IF she wants to stay). Some states allow this up to age 22 / 23.

In asking for these things, she is not being vindictive, she is taking care of business at a very difficult time. If she can keep from showing her anger and pain from her cheating husband and just be as cool and calm as possible, that will really shake him up. She should tell him that "her" attorney will be in touch with "his" attorney. LAST BUT NOT LEAST, Change ALL the locks on the doors and if he doesn't like that and calls the police, she will have the divorce paper that he's been threatening her with and they will probably send him away. She should also immediately file for "temporary full custody" and a "temporary restraining order" until the court date.

In other words, she can fix his "little red wagon", simply by taking charge. Tell her its OK to cry and scream and hold a pity party or two, just do it with good friends or in private, BUT out of his sight. Trust me, this will drive him nuts.


9 moms found this helpful


answers from Anchorage on

He is hoping she does not get a lawyer because he does not want to have to pay I am sure. She needs a lawyer, she can not afford not to have one at this point, even if she has to set up a payment plan or ask her parents for help. Do not let this man bully her into signing something she does not understand!

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

don't sign the paperwork. that is an old ploy of many attorneys. bombard the other spouse with paperwork and she will sign out of fear of loosing the kids. my daughters father told me he was going to fight for custody rather than pay child support. what a joke. like they think it costs more to send the check. they just don't get it. I would consult a lawyer before signing anything at all.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Hartford on

Tell your friend DON'T SIGN A SINGLE PIECE OF PAPERWORK NOW. Ahem, sorry for shouting. But for real, tell her not to sign ANYTHING. He's trying to emotionally blackmail her with their children into signing something she's not comfortable with and that's a Very Bad Horrible No Good Situation. He sounds like a douchenozzle.

Next, tell your friend GET A LAWYER IMMEDIATELY TO LOOK OVER THOSE PAPERS AND TO TELL HER WHAT ALL OF HER RIGHTS ARE. Ah, I didn't mean to shout again. She needs a lawyer, like, yesterday. If she has a problem with finances then she can check out the Department of Women's and Children's Services (or the equivalent in MN) and they can help her based on her salary or even for free with a good lawyer.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Philadelphia on

Doesn't sound like he really wants joint custody, he just wants the divorce papers signed. How despicable of him to use the children like this! Sorry, no advice but I sure hope things work out for your friend!

3 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

There has been a lot of great advice already... first thing, go to the courthouse and file for a temporary child custody order. Don't let him control you with fear. Most courts force the divorce process to be slow so it is unlikely anything will happen quickly. Good luck!

Google the family law self help center in your county. Also look here:


2 moms found this helpful


answers from Minneapolis on

1) don't have her sign anything and have her not have any contact with him if he is being abusive.

2) Try Legal Aid and or call your local court house and ask about a mediator... they mediate divorces all the time so they would know what is on the up and up. I don't think there is a charge for that. good luck

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Eugene on

Please tell her: Don't sign anything!

She can find a divorce atty who will work on an hourly basis or at least do an initial consultation for a small fee. There are legal aid attorneys who will help if she cannot afford it otherwise.

My ex threatened me by insisting that he would get my house and full custody of our boys unless I agreed to his list of demands. I didn't agree and he didn't get the house or our boys. A threat is just that, a threat. Don't let your friend be intimidated . Her ex is pressuring her because he knows that as soon as she gets her bearings, she will know better than to sign those papers.

Thanks for being there for your friend. My girlfriends supported me through my divorce and saved me from making some bad decisions. You may PM me if you have any questions. Blessings....

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Tampa on

DO not allow threats to sign such important stuff. He's probably trying to get out of sharing 50/50 of all assets. She needs to take her time, when a Father cheats on his wife and rips his family apart - that doesn't look too good to a judge and chances are the joint custody would be denied.

Have her call or search for "Legal Aid" and maybe call the county/state prosecutor to see if they have any places to try - if they don't try the Dept of Children and Families.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Appleton on

Tell her to contact a domestic violence shelter or hotline. They often have attorneys who work with them pro bono or a reduced fee. She should be able to go to the bank and take out half of all monies and from a joint account and put them in an account in her name only.
PM me and I will send contact info.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Philadelphia on

she should call a few lawyers, maybe she could do a consult J. to read over the papers for 200 and all of her friends and family could chip in, iwouldn't sign anything unless someone read it over, maybe a lawyer will give adive free...you never know call a few and tell them what happened

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Cincinnati on

OK so he is threatening he will sue for joint custody? Makes no sense. At the MOST that is what he WILL get if he is lucky.(trust me he will not get primary with his behavior of abandoning.
tell your friend to not sign a dang thing. she NEEDS(and I repeat NEEDS) to afford a lawyer. This is probably the biggest thing she will go through and doing it without a pro is just dumb. She is not the first broke person to be in this situation and most will do a payment plan. Besides, she will probably make up MORE than those attorney fees with the alimony and Child support that A-hole will have to pay. Those papers he is wanting her to sign is probalby screwing her.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Tucson on

She should have 20 days to respond to petition. As for the lawyer fees he has to pay them. Im also a SAHM going through the same thing. In the response ask for him to pay all fees associated with divorce. Joint custosty is just making decisions about kids together. She ask can ask for physical custody with him having visitation. Thats what my papers say. I'm due to have a baby in 2-3 weeks and my a-hole husband has been forcing it on me too. He's a cheater also.


answers from St. Louis on

In an all out divorce he will mostly likely get joint custody. They just don't give fully custody to the mother anymore. Asset division would also be 50/50 of marital assets. Marital assets are anything earned or acquired (other than through inheritance) during the marriage. These assets include 401k and pensions. Also if you were married over ten years it includes social security but that has to be addressed much later. Child support for full custody is calculated by income of both parties. You can find the calculation sheet online. Sometimes spousal support is given but generally only for stay at home moms who do not have the means to support themselves.

If she is getting all this in the papers there is no reason not to sign. He could be thinking with his dick and giving her everything without a fight. He could have knocked up his girlfriend and thinks that will effect the settlement. In most states affairs, bonus kids, do not increase what the wife gets and a good attorney will tell you that instead of taking your life savings to fight the good fight.

Okay after reading some of the other posts she will need to do something especially if he is the soul earner in the family. Only the court can compel him to pay the bills. I wonder if people realize what position she is in. She is screwed unless she has a family member that can help her out financially. What you get as a housewife is pay now we may get some back later. It was a nightmare for me.



answers from Minneapolis on

what a joke bullies are huh?...if he wants a divorce that bad that fast-he can pay for it-she needs to buck up and stand up for herself-he may get joint custody-theres lawyers out there for free...tell her to call the county an get info.here in mn.you can call 211 and get all info on freebies for anything-tell her to sign NOTHING until shes got legal help to go over papers an make sure she gets child an spousal money support...try legal aid


answers from New York on

I don't have experience on this other then a friend of my husband got divorce and "he" had to pay for his now ex wife lawyer by law. No sure if in your friend case it would be the same but is worth to ask.
My only advice will be to go and ask a lawyer and to don't sign anything yet.
A) she is not obligated
B) unless either of them is very bad for the kids, both of them will have custody of the kids no matter what.
So is a stupid and low threatining.



answers from Minneapolis on

My husband is a divorce/family lawyer in Hastings. As everyone else says, don't sign anything. The process is slow, and you have every right to not be pressured. At this point, she has the kids, but I agree, she should be doing everything to protect herself financially. Separate money, separate cards. What joint debts are they responsible for (even if the agreement says otherwise, she can still be held responsible, even after the divorce, if he doesn't pay)? Keep track of all communications, text, emails. They could help during the process. Also beware - even if he spends money during the time apart, she can be still held responsible. There was a client (also an attorney) who ended up having to pay for the costs of her husband's stripper b/c the separation hadn't been filed yet. The costs were split after a later date.

The others are right. She is getting bullied and she should find herself an attorney before her rights and money are railroaded. Only if this can be amicable is a mediator a good idea. Sounds like they're well past that.

Good luck and don't let her sign anything!!!


answers from Kansas City on

I agree don't sign anything! He's more than likely going to get joint custody anyway and or visitation rights so waiting is her best option. Sounds like he has papers that benefit him ONLY...she has more rights to a lot and needs someone who can get her and the kids what they need!

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