Ex Boyfriend and Apartment Issue

Updated on July 11, 2011
K.B. asks from Saint Louis, MO
13 answers

So I'm pretty sure there is nothing I can do about most of this situation until my lease is up in September, but my ex has reached my last nerve on several things. We have a lease together on an apartment, however, I pay 90% of the rent since i have the permenant full time job. When we broke up, he moved out for like two days. But, the only person willing to take him into their home at that time was his mom, who is also letting his daughter's mom who he can't stand live there. He absolutely refused to go back to her house and then started the argument "well you can't kick me out cause my name is on the lease." He even went to the apartment office and got them to let him in the apartment while I was at work one day and moved all of his stuff back in. I asked my lawyer about this (he's helping me to set up a custody agreement/child support so that's already in the works) and he said he didn't think there was much I could do unless I could justify a restraining order, which I can't without really lying, except just wait till September when my lease is up and move into a place without his name on the lease.

It's not that he's a terrible person whose abusing me or anything like that, I just don't want him there. We broke up because I felt like I couldn't rely on him anymore and I got tired of waiting for him to be the person I needed after having our son. He's a good father, he loves his son. We can co-parent fine and in all honesty, we had a lot of love for each other and still do, but he's just not the kind of person that I really want and need and knew that I can't change him, so decided maybe we should just maintain our friendship. We had been growing apart anyway during the pregnancy intimately. However, I can't get rid of him! To make matters worse, HE doesn't think there was anything wrong with our relationship and keeps saying everyday that he wants to "prove" to me that he can be what I want and need and that I just need to give him time, blah blah blah. I feel so much pressure with him still living there to try and work things out but I think that it would be better to just stay apart. Does anyone have suggestions on how to deal with this? I'm just getting so annoyed coming home each day to him and feel like I may explode on day, which I don't want to do.

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So What Happened?

@Tia- I thought about that, but I pay most of the rent. I pride myself on the fact that I have an EXCELLENT rental history. I have only paid a late fee once in the 8 years I've been renting. I don't want to move out and then be in collections for an apartment that he was living in and I wasn't because he didn't pay the rent like he was supposed to. He doesn't make enough by himself to even cover half of the rent anyway.

@Ruby- The lease is actually up September 30th, but usually I move out two weeks early so I have enough time to clean and such. He won't stay in the apartment with no furniture, this I do know. The issue with his ex and his mom though is completely different. His mom really only lets her stay there cause otherwise, her granddaughter would be homeless too. His mom has told me that if it weren't for the little girl, she could care less what happened to his ex. Me and his mom have formed a great relationship since my son was born in large part because she doesn't feel like she has to take care of me or my son. She can be grandma. His ex is not a decent person who has been very attacking towards me numerous times for no reason, so I don't blame him for not liking her. But, with that said, I do believe you that a large part of him wants to stay together because he needs me to survive, not 100% cause he loves me. That's why I ended it in the first place and part of the reason why I keep wanting to just scream at him.


So there was actually a turn around in the situation somewhat. I haven't been to the doctor since my 6 weeks post partum visit because of my insurance switching around and such. We broke up a little after this visit. I finally got to go back to the doctor for what I thought was a yeast infection. Turns out i was far from wrong and had proof that he's pretty much been sleeping around. Hence, the lack of intimacy anymore. He finally agree to move his stuff out today, gave me the key, and took his name off the lease all in one fail swoop. No more of him. Now I'm just focusing on my son, my health (having to get some additional follow-up tests) and the upcoming court situation.

More Answers



answers from Portland on

Owww, K., tough situation. If even your lawyer doesn't see a way clear, then it sounds like something you may need to work through directly with your ex, or learn to tolerate a while longer. If I were in your shoes, I would take a look at the wonderful process called Non-Violent Communication, which can give you some real tools to make the most of whatever interpersonal situations you may find yourself in.

There's also a self-help process called The Work that you may find helpful: http://thework.com/thework.php. My husband and I both use this work as a way to decrease stresses and understand other people and ourselves better.

September must feel years away for you right now. I think many of us have been in distressing jobs, relationships, and even difficult pregnancies or with challenging infants, in which a couple of months seemed impossible to survive. But the time does pass, one day at a time, and we often come out stronger on the other end. And whatever you do in that time to preserve whatever love you feel for this man will be better in the long run for the child you have made together.

I wish you the best.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

Just a thought. You could find someone to take over your lease. I am an apartment manager here in CA and if a tenant wishes to break the lease they can find someone to take over the lease, or sublet from them. It is a really long time until september! Talk to your apartment manager and see if you have any options, maybe they will be nice!

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Anchorage on

ask your land lord how much it will cost to break your lease, and if you can find someone to take it over. IF you can afford it, pay the fee and move out with your son. IF not, then you may need to sit tight, and when he gets on your nerves just remind yourself that your son is getting this extra time with dad, and you are keeping a friendship with the father, which is so very important to your son.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

I have a friend that is in almost the exact situation (no child involved though), with her 6 year live-in bf. He has a hot temper, on top of being a loser that can't keep a job. He blames her for ALL of his problems. Anyways, both name's are on the lease, but since she is the first name on the lease (responsible party), it doesn't make much difference what he has to say. As of August 1st, the lease is up & he has no choice but to move out. I don't understand why your apt. complex would have let him back in?/? Unfortunately, it does sound like your stuck till Sept. with him, I would just do your best to ignore him & make it quite clear that you want nothing to do with him, other then things that have to do with your child. Think of how pleasant life will be when your able to put this in the past. Good luck to you & hang in there!

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

You could find an apartment now and just take your name off the lease, there's some minor paper work involved that you have to sign. Your lease won't be up, it will turn into his lease. When I left my ex I took my name off the lease, wasn't the situation your in but I still took my name off and moved.

That is sweet of his mom to think about the situation with his ex living there that way. Hopefully she'll be a good influence on the little girl :)

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Kansas City on

it sounds like you've already decided, but my suggestion would be, give him till Sept 30th to get his S*** together. give him an ultimatum, and quit fighting him. just give peace a chance (hehehe). it sounds to me like you guys went through a rough patch during pregnancy and that coupled with his lack of work ethic (i have been there) has caused you to just give up on the relationship. maybe there's a reason you are in this situation where you can't get rid of him. maybe if you just tweek your attitude a bit and accept that this is your life for now, maybe if you look at his good qualities (yes he doesn't sound like mr. wonderful - but there is no perfect guy out there and you could do worse by the sound of it) and change your perspective, you'll find it's not so hellish being with him. sure he's not perfect, but he's your baby's daddy. isn't your son worth trying to work it out?? ok so i realize i am in the minority and as i have said you've already made up your mind not to work it out...but imo this is a good opportunity to give him an ultimatum - if he REALLY wants to be with you and stay in his son's life full time, get a job and clean up his act by sept 30th. i realize you guys aren't married but to me it seems like it is a relationship worth saving. just my two cents.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Detroit on

You're stuck:( It sounds like you'll just have to tolerate him until September. He's not getting it either. Once the lease is up, you can move out and if he continues to bug you, get a restraining order. Maybe that will register with him. The only other option that I see here is that YOU move out which may be your only choice.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Appleton on

September 1st isn't that far away. About 7 weeks, it's going to take you that long to find a decent place and move. So start looking. Just tell him 'I'm moving Sept 1st when the lease is up and I hope you find a good job or a roommate to help with the rent.' Give notice to your landlord or management co.

There are a lot of red flags with this guy. He can't hold a decent job. He has no friends or family members willing to take him in. (which means he probably burned those bridges long ago) He can't stand the mother is his daughter, but HIS mother cares enough for her to let her live there. Now he can't let go of you? In a way he is an emotional abuser he is co-dependent. It's not that he loves you and or his son so much he NEEDS you. He can't survive without you.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Houston on

I would submit in writing that you will NOT be renewing the lease and that your name will be off the lease. Be sure that is in wriitng and that the leasing agent understands this. I would also start looking for a new place or at least getting an idea on where you want to be. You need to tell him that you and your son are moving out in September.

When you are home, I would not engage in any type of behavior that would lead him to believe that you two are together. If you are acting like you are together then he is getting mixed signals. I don't know if you are sharing a room with him, but again, you want to be clear and understood by him. Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Baton Rouge on

If his name is on the lease, there's nothing you can do about him staying there.
You could move out, but you would still be responsible for the rent if your name is on the lease as well.



answers from Los Angeles on

You don't say, but it seems your major problem with his is his lack of work ethic. If he isn't earning enough to pay even half the rent he either isn't working or you have a really expensive apartment. I'd tell him this. He may actually get up off the couch and do something.

You didn't ask, but if you have rented for the last 8 years and have an excellent payment record, NOW is the time to buy a home. Home prices are the lowest in a decade and interest rates are the lowest in decadeS. You can get lower interest rates now than my mom and dad got when they bough their first home. BTW, I'm NOT selling any real estate and I don't work for a bank.

Good luck to you and yours.


answers from Redding on

Sept 30th is right around the corner, it gives you time to plan. You can either stay where you are and not have him sign the new lease, then you can evict him personally from your apartment or you can take this time to find yourself a new place and get the plan into action so you can move out Sept 30th to your new place. Unfortunately he sounds like a bum, and wants to live off of you rather than help take care of you and your child. Good to cut and run from these types. Our partner should make us happy not piss us off.
What does your lease say, have you read it closely. My tenants sign a year lease also but if they give 30 days notice they are allowed out of the lease without repercussions. You might have that same luxury and just dont realize it. Have you discussed the issue with your manager?


answers from Hartford on

Make sure that your landlord knows that YOU are not renewing the lease and want your name off of it. I would even check to see if you can get out of it a month or two early without penalty based on your situation. It couldn't hurt to ask at the very least to see if since he's staying in the apartment if you could have your name removed from the lease. That would leave you free to leave, pay your half of what's owed for your time there, and then he's responsible for his half and the time that's left. It's not worth it to stick it out until the end of September.

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