Estrangement from Daughter

That is probably the most disheartening thing I can imagine happening. You must be feeling just desolate!

It is painful for everyone when families fall out, and however mad your daughter is, trust me that she is also suffering a lot of turmoil.

You are in the unenviable position of being completely powerless in this situation. If your daughter simply will not accept your apologies, promises to never tell her what to do again, vow of a non-critical future, or anything else, there is absolutely nothing you can do about that. Or, rather, there is absolutely nothing that you can do about it that won't make the situation a whole lot worse.

No matter what your intent was over the past 32 years, your daughter has perceived your response to her as judgement, critical, a lack of love, or attempts to control who she is or how she lives her life. Whichever one of those you think is most likely is probably accurate -- it is my experience of mothers that they know their children very well, indeed, even when relationships are rocky. Whichever it is, the solution is the same: unconditional love.

From here, with or without her ever accepting your love in her life ever again, the only thing you can do is find the unconditional love for her within yourself. Beating yourself (or her) for the past misunderstandings or ineffective approaches is a waste of time, and a cruel thing to do to very nice people. If you spend your time between now and the end of time feeling victimized by her choices, finding fault with her or explaining away why what you did was 'fine' you'll find that if she contacts you again it will be very difficult to avoid spewing that onto her out of the tension that trying to force an immediate 'fix' to everything will create.

On the other hand, thinking of her in unconditionally loving ways will give you a foundation of goodwill toward her that she will experience immediately if she ever decides to let you back into her life. Unconditional love will give you a sense of tenderness and patience that will be much more helpful if she ever braves connecting again.

If you find it helpful, creating a practice of meditation or prayer that is specific to healing this relationship will give you practice thinking of her in a gentle way, which will greatly improve your life in the meantime whatever happens, and protect you against reverting to the last angry thought if she contacts you at a stressful moment.

You are grieving, with good reason. One of the things that is no doubt being a tremendous frustration is knowing that the outcome is, truly, out of your hands. Open your heart to the pain of your loss and you will find, in time, that you can accept the choices your daughter has made and remain accepting of yourself, too. No one is the bad guy, here.

Denise

I have not had contact with my mother for 15 years now. At this point in life I have no desire to and I don't want my children to know her. Growing up she was controlling and emotionally abusive and just not a nice person at all. She constantly belittled my Dad in front of me and if he didn't come to pick me up on his weekend she jumped at the chance to tell me it was because he didn't love me. (In reality he was eating toast for dinner from all of their divorce bills and he was working 7 days a week). I think there are two kinds of children: my sister and I are polar opposites. My sister experienced many of things I did and she left home to live with her Dad in high school as well as I did (different dads). Anyway, my sister is forgiving and came back, believing that family is everything. I never went back. I felt that family love is not unconditional, my mother dumped on me unbelievably and I should not have to put myself through that pain ever again. It sounds like your daughter is a little bit like me. Without knowing your situation personally it's difficult, but I work with many bipolar people and see the destruction it causes on the family. In many ways I actually think bipolar is one of the worst mental diseases because it just cannot be controlled 24/7 with medication.

I know one person suggested writing letters but I can tell you that probably won't work. I got a "letter" from my mother a couple of years ago and it was 24 pages long (front and back legal letter size) and it showed all of her range of emotions. Love, hate, guilt trips, lies, etc.

I think the only thing I would even respond to at all would be a very simple letter ending with the question to explain why. Even then, I will never change how I feel as I don't feel towards her as my mother anymore and haven't in a long time. It may or not be too late for your daughter but I do think there comes a time for a child that they can no longer feel things towards a parent. As a parent myself I know (or think) that a parent will never stop loving their child no matter what, it just doesn't work both ways.

You say that you have been fairly stable for the last couple of years, which indicates that you were not that stable when you guys last argued. I think if you write a letter at all you should put your hat in your hand and start off with it must have been very difficult for her dealing with your disease but that you would like another chance. Even if it's just by phone until she can tell for herself that you're stable. You just have to be prepared to accept it if she says no.

Good luck.

Greetings Denise,

I am sorry to hear about your estranged relationship with your daughter.
My suggestions for you are a little different from the ones you have already received.
The only person you can change is yourself. So continue the good job you are doing keeping yourself stable and happy. Leave your daughter alone. Pray for your daughter and her family, release them and wish them well. Participate in activities that bring you joy. If you wish to send them cards or gifts do so. However do not be upset if they don't respond or send you a thank you. Just be happy that you are able to give to them. Hopefully your daughter will soon come around.

Wishing you and your family the best of everything.

Love, joy and peace,
S.

Denise,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Alot of people suffer as well when one of their loved ones have bi-polar. She may have needed to join a support group or something during your harder years. It seems as if she needs to forgive you on somethings, and maybe you forgive her on somethings as well. I'm assuming that you're not in contact with her husband either, so can you try to reach out to him? Not to put him in the middle of the it, but try that. Or my main suggestion is to write her a letter divulging to her all of your pain and sadness of not having them all in your life. Let her know that if you all need to go to therapy together that you're willing to do that.

I hope you continue to reach out, don't give up! I'm sure that she misses you as much as you miss her. Plus, your grand-daughter needs you too!

Take care,

A

I totally agree with everything that Linda said and just wanted to add one thought....Have you tried writing her letters? You can take your time when writing vs phone conversations that might be taken the wrong way. She will read the letters. Send one every week. Send them from your heart, with no blame, no accusations. Talk of your love for her and your grand daughter. Good Luck to you..

Hi Denise,

I know it's very difficult not communicating with your daughter/granddaughter. My suggestion is to pray for your family and if you in any way are at fault accept responsibility. Your daughter could be holding on to deep rooted childhood issues with you only you and her know what's really going on here. I have a very distant relationship with my mom. I'm 38 years old w/kids and I need her to own up to her mistakes. It's not about making her feel bad. I need to know why certain things happen so I can move on and heal but she won't accept her responsibility as if things never happen. I'm not make this about me I just want to show how a daughter might feel. Keep trying!!!!

Song Title: Blood is thicker than water
Hear @ URL: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wuYXasJgv3A

A song about estranged loved ones

I have several bipolar family members and, in fact, am currently involved in one of their crises. I don't know what's happened in the past but she may be trying to steer clear of anything she feels would be stressful, fair or not. This may sound odd, but one of her issues may be the number of pets, especially birds, that you have. Anything in your life that seems extreme may put her off.

From my experience with estrangement the only thing that MIGHT work is unconditional love. Keep sending messages of your desire to reconnect and any apologies from the argument that you need to give. Keep sending the birthday and Christmas gifts as if everything is ok. The most important thing is that your granddaughter knows that you still care for her. Be sure you do your part, and that it is from a no strings attached angle, and hopefully your kindness and love will win out in the end.

Sadly there are no guarantees that this will work, but it often does. Best wishes!

Hi Denise -

Unpredictable relationships are the hardest to hold together. I suggest you try to humble yourself, explain yourself, and possibly see things from her perspective. I would also ask her to try and explain to you her feelings and views. When she talks don't interrupt. Just take short notes and let her finish. She may still feel the need to lash out at you to get those hurt feelings out. She is still young, she may not know what to say and probably doesn't realize that time waits for no one. However, no matter how it hurts you let her continue on until she's done then tell her that you now see things in a different light (if you do) and apologize if necessary. Try to discuss things instead of letting your anger get the best of you. I know it's hard when you're bi-polar, I deal with it too, but it is manageable, you can do it. Keep reaching out. Don't give up. Eventually she will hopefully open up to you at least a little bit then you can grow from there. Do you send presents for birthdays, Christmas or other special events? It doesn't have to be much, maybe a little something just to let them know that they are on your mind and a reminder you are still there. I'm 39 myself. My Dad and I had a falling out about 6 years ago. He said some really hurtful things and made it very clear I was not allowed to be a part of his life. (My step brothers and sister had a lot to do with it, too.) Since then he has called and apologized. He asked if we could let by gones be by gones and I was (and still am) so hurt I couldn't go on as if nothing happened. I have to hold him at "arms length" so to speak because I know he can't handle hearing about the day to day stuff I deal with where myself and my kids are concerned. (My boys and I have extreme circumstances.) We don't get together for special events, birthdays or Christmas but we do mail each other cards, photos, small gifts and sometimes talk on the phone. I'm still not on speaking terms with my step siblings because they can't see what they did that was so wrong and they've made no attempt to reconcile the situation. To them I'm "out of sight out of mind". I do ask about them every time I talk to my Dad but I don't think the messages get through, I really don't know. So, to wrap it all up, your daughter may not know how to react to you just yet. I would keep on trying and keep making the effort to contact. Tell her you've been stable for awhile now, that may make a difference. (She may be afraid of your instability.) Even if you don't get through you know in your heart you have tried and you should be comforted in that fact. If your granddaughter ever comes around when she's older you can tell her you kept trying for a relationship, too. Above all else, pray about it and God will see you through.

Good luck - keep praying!

S.

I`m not too sure I agree with the letter writing...Although-everyone is different and it Can`t hurt...My brother hasn`t spoke to my mom in 3 years either-and there`s no changing his mind. They both put me in the middle and up until last yr. my life was a nightmare! I hated to talk to either of them! But, for some reason, in the last yr. I`m ok with it! I have a good attitude when talking with them. I don`t let them get to me at all anymore--If my mom starts in strong about my brother-I tell her I have to go...Sorry to hear your family is going through this, I couldn`t imagine not being able to talk with my kids.

Denise,
I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm going on 55 and a couple years ago decided I wouldn't be attending my middle son's wedding. There was a lot to it. And to this day there have been no apologies for anything from his direction or his in-laws'. I like his wife, I love my son. But everything I tried to get through to him is now manifesting itself. But despite it, we've still managed to stay on good terms. They live 10 minutes away, if that (depending on the weather and road conditions) but I don't see them much.

I think what I would suggest is to replay the argument over in your head. Was everyone entirely fair? Were lines crossed that shouldn't have been? If perhaps you write a letter or card and show humility and remorse and perhaps in the heat of the moment you coulda/shoulda handled things much better, perhaps she can find it in herself to do the same. I wouldn't put a return address on it because she might not be responsive enough to open it if she sees who it's from.
Ask forgiveness. Be humble. Be HONESTLY humble, because a fake, shallow, insincere show of humility doesn't work. You need to ask yourself if you can see things from her perspective, or if you're trying to 'make' her do things as you see fit or not, and please remember she is a grown up adult and doesn't require your permission or advice. Given properly it might be accepted ( but not always, as in my case). What went down must have been extremely devastating if your daughter's still this hurt and angry. I don't understand 'mercurial'. If it means 'not the strongest relationship', maybe she's aching to strengthen it but as one adult to another. If it means 'strong relationship', the hurt might be that it was so easily broken. I know my son felt he and I had a special bond and were always close. Sometimes one and/or the other has inncorrect assumptions that when proven wrong blows them away.

Don't give up. But do try humility. Don't look at her as your 'little girl'. Find something to build on and reinforce a relationship.

I would write to her once a month and just tell her how you love her, miss her and need her in her life. Try to win her back and then hopefully that will lead to a relationship with your granddaughter. Apologize for anything you may have said or done in the past, and assure her that you gaurantee her it will not happen again. I pray for you to reunite with your family. I can just not imagine not having contact with my daughter. She is my world. None of us are perfect we can just try to be our best. May your daughter open her heart to you.