Emergency or Not?

I can understand how upset you are-I have 4 kids of my own and my husband pays as much attention to details as they do, but I have learned over the years that belittling him only makes him defensive and he will only remember the fight, not the reason. I have to get his attention when there is no interruption (and you know how often that happens!!) and calmly talk to him. Sometimes it takes the conversation being repeated, but demeaning him won't help.

You have had quite an action packed week! First the birth of your son and now the accident with your daughter, its no wonder you are so upset and frustrated.

I know its hard but try to take some deep breaths, these things do happen and some accidents aren't preventable no matter how hard we try!

I'm sure your husband feels bad but they are so stubborn they won't admit it right away. I'm sure everyone is suffering from lack of sleep and the new baby shock.

Just keep an eye on your daughter's finger, maybe ice would make it feel better. Poor little thing.

In cases like this, I always tell people to wait until the morning and if it still looks bad or if you are in doubt, take her to the pediatrician NOT the ER! Ped's know more and you won't have to wait hours and hours. Even if it is broken, there is very little that can be done for her and waiting a day won't hurt. Give her some tylenol and keep in mind that Dad's are men and men just want to "fix" things. He is probably feeling pretty guilty and sad inside but won't say it. My husband is a great father but, yes, does things differently than I would...they can NOT multi task! He probably leaves the doors open because he is thinking about something else not because he is negligent. I can relate to the scene that you all had at your house, it seems to be the exact way things go down at our house when one of our kids get hurt! I'm sure your daughter will be o.k., something very simialr happened to my son at 10 months old in the care of my parents. You can only imagine the guilt!!!

Your husband is irresponsible, no doubt. The only thing you can do is forget him at this point and do WHATEVER you can to protect your children.
Hire someone to help you if you have to. Install chain locks to your doors & make sure YOU keep them chained. Buy those alarms that squeal when your door is opened.
Buy a first aid kit and keep it handy. Buy fire extinguishers & put them on your walls.
You do realize he will not change. You have to take on yet one more responsibility. Yelling at him won't do a thing other than stress you out more.
I heard a story of a little boy who lived on a dirt road, closest neighbor was 1 mile away. He got out & was gone for 3 hours, police, helicopters involved. He was found safe, 1 mile away in that neighbors yard playing with their dog. He was 2 years old.

I think you need to let him know exactly how you feel. Both my husband and I have an agreement when it comes to the children and their safety we do not hold our tongues. It may not always be pretty but it we know it's the right thing to do. He needs to understand that he cannot leave the doors open and you need to understand that if he does have the habit and refuses to change it you need to lock the doors yourself. He should have taken her to the emergency room just to be safe with chileren you just don't know because especially at that age they can't really tell you how bad it hurts and things like that. And why can't you leave your new son alone with him? You really need to sit and have a nice long talk with him. It sounds an awful lot like you have to do everything and remember everything for him but he does not have to be responsible for anything. That's not a marriage and it's certainly not being a good parent. Good luck!

You should get your daughter checked out. Not neccessarily because it is an emergency, but because you won't rest until you know. However, the real emergency might be your frustration with your husband. Also, you sound overwhelmed with you running your large household. It might be a good idea for you and your husband to receive family counseling. You and your husband have a lot of shared responsibilities, most importantly, the children. It would help to be "on the same page".

Hi S.,
UGH! Men! Can't live with them and they just won't leave! haha lol lol
I get frustratedwith my husband like this too! It seems like he would allow me to do everything--if I will. And that's just it. I won't. Of course, in a situation like that, your daughter's best interest comes first and I probably would have left to have it checked. In the case ofstitches--sometimes if you wait a day, they cannot stitch it because the healing has begun.
If my husband would have questioned me about the "supplies" in our medicine chest and thought they were inadequate, I would have told him that tomorrow, on his way home from work, please stop and buy all essential emergency items we should have on hand. (I mean what are you--able to see into the future or something? Hey--give me a lottery number, too OK?!)
Men are not mothers, they never will be. They focus on O. thing at a time, cannot multi-task, do not think ahead, etc. Assign him things for which he is responsible (i.e. Lock the house)...sadly, you will still be doing it some of the time. Just don't allow hm to add every small task to YOUR list.
Your hormones are probably raging right now. I remember being really pissed off at my husband a LOT when my son was an infant--mostly because he just didn't THINK ahead enough. I feel your pain. Hang in there.

Take a deep breath, hug your husband and tell him you know how hard it is to keep little fingers in the car and even with all the double checks they can move so quick. Tell him your sorry "it happened on his watch" and he didn't do anything wrong other than the impossible -hold her hands on her lap and shut the door at the same time.
You have every right to be frustrated, especially one week into number SIX! Statistically we are all going to mess up, it sounds like he knows it and it sounds like he is trying.

In a sleep deprived state right after having another baby I left a sink running and flooded the house. He spent HOURS cleaning up the mess/damage and never gave me one bit of grief. It was pretty easy to be understanding when my daughter needed stitches on my husbands watch!
Re: doors, you can get attachments at hardware stores for existing doors so they swing shut if he isn't trainable and of course child locks will slow him down enough to help remember. Signs by the road(children playing) can be put up by you or the township if you request.

The root problem seems not to be the finger so much as you're annoyed your husband is an irresponsible d***.

First, take deep cleansing breaths. They help me refocus when all I want to to is look my own husband in the eye and tell him whatnot and wherefore.

Second, take your princess tom-girl to the ped in the am to have a look at it. It resealed itself so it probably doesn't need stitches, just triple antibiotic or bacitracin and dressing changes.

Later, when new mom hormones are better, try talking to "Mr. Richard" about closing the door so your princess can't get out and how its a safety issue. Good communication is key.

Good luck!

It seems like hubby is getting defensive, cause he knows he messed up.It's kind of a bruise to the ego when a Dad messes up and Mom gets PO'd cause Moms typically do every thing right (seemingly), have the best way of doing things, can heal every boo boo with a kiss...you know, super Mom. This can be daunting for a Dad. I know with my hubby, I've learned to take the pressure off him, and when he makes a mistake (and it's usually an accident) I try to calmly help him.When I get mad, he gets defensive, and loses some of his common logical sense, and starts to argue for the sake of arguing.My hubby and I hardly ever argue because we have learned to respect and help each other, and when we disagree, we calmly talk it out.As for the safety issue, talk to him calmly about it when there is no pressure on him. Don't point fingers, state the issue as one that you both need to work on together because it's a safety issue involving your child.Come up with a solution together, and don't forget to tell him he's doing a great job-Dads need to hear that, too!
Good Luck!
S.
SAHM of three ages 8, 6, 2
Married to my soulmate going on six happy years

deep breath in and out do those breathing exercises. I found they help more in real life then they did at labor.

If she is quieted down and no bleeding, just ice, tylenol and she should be fine. Finger will turn black and blue and nail might look bad in the next few days, just part of the healing process.

Go to bed yourself and sleep some. Will all look better in the morning.

Congrats on new one.

I can only say-that there are a lot of little children in that house and incidents like that will happen from time to time. Glad to know she is not in any innament danger, however, there is absolutely no excuse for that bahavior from your husband. Like you said your self, it is his house too. You are not an octopus nor a superwoman. If we all were then what would we need men for? I also know first hand it is easier said than done, but don't falter and let him make you feel insufficent due to his "many simplnesses" ( and I am being kind). Remind him that you both are equally responsible to know what is in the house and what happens in the house, your jobs both carry equally 24-7 as "mom" & "dad" whether one actually has a job or not. Men will often find ways to get out of doing anything and play the blame game....I think that most women-MOMS who are dealing with reality of marriage,and parenting will agree oppose to those that are "married to their prince charming and to the love of my lives". SO all in all-pls. do us all a favor if not for yourself-Tell him that he is being an "irresponsible d***". (lol.);-)Crying out loud, you just gave birth, he needs to step up, otherwise it's not just irresponsible,& plain insensitivity!

Mom of 4.

Well, let me tell you, I was taking my (then) 5 year old to the dr and in the parking lot I shut her finger in the door. It was butterflied like you said and after the dr. checked her I asked if they could x-ray the finger since I was an idiot. They did and nothing was broken. they put a band-aid on and sent us on our way. As for the husband, my daughters are now 10 and 5 and I have FINALLY convinced him that he is not an innocent bystander. i also have told him that if he continued to defer all injuries and such to me, then they would come to know that they can't depend on him. I don't really believe this, but it worked! I came to the realization that he truly didn't trust himself when the kids were little. as they have grown he is becoming more involved. Ahh....patience. It is a virtue. Good Luck my dear!

S.,
I can understand how you are feeling. I have a great husband but sometimes I don't think he THINKS! We (wife/mothers)can never stop thinking. We take care of the home, children, our husbands etc. You do need to get your feelings out and explain how it makes you feel when he says such things as if it is only your home and he is only visiting. But do it calmly and clearly. He may not respond the way you would love for him to but he will take in at least part of what you are saying. Please don't wait until you are ready to explode because then he may not hear anything you are saying. Instead he would only defend himself and his actions. I am a domestic engineer with 3 beautiful daughters. Two of which are home all day with me. My husband believes I should take care of the children, the cars, the home, food (groceries and meals), misc. bills, insurance claims, etc. I tell him all the time I need a raise!!! So since I received no raise I decided to make him and hold him accountable for things such as I have a list on the fridge to add items needed for the home. So when I go to the store he can't say I don't understand why you did not get tissues "we should have tissues in the house". That is just one example. Kinda like the gauze situation you just went through. We all take care and are very busy at our jobs in the home or out!

Good morning S.,

It sounds like you just needed to vent a little. LET IT OUT GIRL!

Your daughter should be fine. Just keep an eye on it and maybe call the doctors office this morning. The same thing happened to my daughter with the car door. I thought her little fingers were going to fall off! I was hysterical! Thank god my mother in law was with me, she calmed me down. We put some ice on them and she was fine. I did call the doctor and they told me as long as she is moving it with no pain... she should be OK.

I would be neurotic about the front door as well. My husband does stuff like that all the time too. Remember they don't have the same mother's instinct as us nor can they multitask. That is what makes us SUPER WOMEN!
I would try to find a child safety door to block the front door or an alarm.

You sound like you have your hands full with your step kids and your two little ones. Maybe you need some mommy alone time. I can't always get away, well I can never get away... so during nap time I will make a cup of tea and sit in a private place for 5 to 10 minutes and just relax and calm my nerves. It really helps me.

Good luck! If you ever need to vent... I am here to listen.

Jen

As a healthcare provider, I can tell you that an injury like this does NOT warrant a visit to the emergency room. You should however bring the child to your family doctor/pediatrician. Our emergency rooms are too often used for things that are not true emergencies, resulting in backups and lack of quality care for people who truly have emergencies (ie. chest pain, shortness of breath, unconsciousness).
Regarding your husband being irresponsible....I recommend you sit down with him at a time when you are not angry, and discuss your concerns without blaming each other...accidents do happen when dads AND moms are on watch. Husbands don't always see things that are dangerous, and it usually needs to be pointed out to them. Whenever my husband tries to play dumb, I calmly show him where things are located, and walk him through how to take care of our daughter step by step. I think dads are very insecure about their parenting abilities in general, and usually need some direction and reassurance. If on the other hand, you think he is intentionally harming your children, then you need to remove yourself and them from danger. Good luck.
J. W

Hi S.,
I feel so bad for how you are feeling and what you are going through. Years ago, when my kids were toddlers (they are teenagers now) my husband (at the time) was the same way as your husband. He drove me crazy. It finally came to a head when he was fighting with my 3 yr old daughter in the car. He was trying to get her out of the car and she wanted me instead. Well he kept pulling at her arm and she kept pulling back. Ended up dislocating her elbow. She had to go to the emergency room and wear her arm in a sling for awhile. That is when he finally started to feel some guilt.
I know what you are going through and how you are feeling. And because of that I do have to say that you need to sit your husband down (when you're not mad) and have a heart to heart talk with him. Otherwise you are eventually going to blow up (and probably at the wrong time).
This is what I should have done, instead of trying to ignore it. If I would have maybe my daughter wouldn't have had to go through all of that.
Good luck to you and I wish you the best :)
R.

Hi S. ~ my son was about 2 when he got his finger slammed in our back door. It blew it out (like when you hit yourself with a hammer...really hard) After all the screams, we put antibacterial ointment and a bunch of bandaids (hubby is in construction and said it happens, not much to do) His nail eventually fell off, but it didn't look quite right. So about 4-5 wks later off to peds who said it became infected and also sent us to ortho, who sent us to xray and then back to ortho. The tip of his finger was broken! I felt horrible! At that point nothing could be done because the injury was so old and almost healed. Ok I still feel horrible! This happened a little after Nemo came out, he to this day has a "lucky finger", not just from the break, but also the blow out. After my "book"...take her to peds. first, they may/may not want it xrayed.
P.S. ~ about your husband....he reacted a little like mine did (I wasn't home/he wasn't watching)...because he feels terrible that the injury is his fault. Take it easy on him. When talking about the door, use "we need to keep the door shut....." not "you need to..." he will be more open to it (you, you, you turns us into their mom not their loving help meets) Blessings ~ J.

I learned the hard way NOT to wait on what I thought was a cut that could be dealt with by first aid. My oldest daughter got cut on the chin by her younger sister's tooth (yes, wrestling with daddy was involved in this incident), and since it was 7:30 on a Sunday evening, we opted to patch her up ourselves. Seemed to be fine.

Except that the next morning the cut--which was 1/2" long, was gaping open. So off to the ped we went. Who told us that had we gotten it looked at the night before, it could have been super-glued, but since it was more than 12 hrs from the incident, stitches were needed. Off to a plastic surgeon we went...sigh.

In the Lehigh Valley there is a medical practice that does house calls. I encourage all parents to find out if there is something similar in their area, and keep the phone number handy. In most cases they will not be covered by insurance...but they do tell you the fee up front so you can decide if it is worth it to you. We checked later on the cost of repair of a small facial cut...$75. We would have paid a $25 co-pay in the ER, and likely sat around for hours waiting to be seen. So yes, had we known about this service, we most DEFINITELY would have taken advantage of it! As it was, I think we ended up paying $60 in copays for the pediatrician and 2 visits to the plastic surgeon.

I would suggest having her finger checked out. My son fell down about 4 steps and barely cried and later was playing fine again. I decided to have his arm checked out just in case. I took him to the pediatrician, who felt it and didn't think it was broken, but wanted x-rays done just in case. the x-ray showed a fracture and he had a cast put on.

You sound like a tough cookie, me too. My issues are larger and I survived with the same man for 28 years. that was out of pure stubborness, ha! It was not by yelling and making him "responsible for his actions" but I took on more than my share. When it came to the children, they're mine! I carried them, I birthed them, and I raised them! I would not have shared this but you really seem to have your strong opinion over the situation and now all you need to do is take over with action. It may not be for you but it was certainly for me. I was not advising you to be harsh and demanding, just over compensate where he lacks it. If the baby who needed to see either the ER or a family doctor and the other too young to stay with the Dad, Bundlethe baby up, take the toddler and off you go (they're yours!) As for the door I'd be behind that man every time he walked out the door and if the air conditioner was on I'd lock it, he has a key right? Take action my friend you already have the head for it. Been there done that, Good luck and all that stuff.

Hi S.,

I'm so sorry about your daughters finger. When you say it was butterflied - does that mean the skin was broken? If so, and if it is more than just a minor cut - it probably warrants a trip to the emergency room. She may need stitches.

As for your husband's behavior, my feeling is that he probably already knows how stupid it was on his part - which is why he is "taking it out" on you. I would say just let it go. But in a calm moment ask him to be more careful about the doors so that she doesn't end up outside again. Or if you really want to talk about it, then when you are calm sit him down and have a discussion. Tell him that it makes you feel bad that when he is upset he seems to take things out on you.

I hope your daughter's hand heals quickly.

J.

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In my humble opinion, I think you and your hubby need to have a heart to heart. Don't approach him when you're "P.Oed". But I do believe that, even though it's minor now, this has the potential to be a big problem in the future. I could go on, and express my full opinion, but I won't, I believe I got my point across. Hope all works out.