Embarassing but Need to Ask About Husband

Updated on May 24, 2011
3.B. asks from Tampa, FL
25 answers

So my husband has had the tendency to drink too much from time to time. There's a point he hits that I just stay away from him. He doesnt get violent or anything, just sloppy and irritating and I just can't stand it. He also will come to bed, pass out dead to the world and snore like nothing I've ever heard.
Last night was one of those nights, but then he PEED the bed. Seriously. This has happened 2x before, but he tried his best to lie about it, and I didnt push the issue. Its been well over a year or so, but I have to say last night kinda pushed me over the edge. I wasannoyed, disqusted, and pretty P'Od!!!! He claims he was having a hard night due to the issues going on w/ his parents, but I dont buy that. Because I heard him hooting and hollering over the baseball game until right before he came to bed. So Im doubly irritated that he's lying. I know he's embarassed, but serioulsy. How about admitting that you totally over did it. And need to watch it? I dont want to be mean or nasty, but if this happens again I feel like I may do something rash. I grew up in an alcoholic household, and I dont want to see things go that route for my kids. And to me, thats a pretty clear sign of something being wrong. I mean how many grown men drink to the point of wetting their bed?
How do I approach this?

What can I do next?

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Featured Answers



answers from Appleton on

Call Al-Anon, it an AA group for the family of an alcoholic. Find a meeting and learn how to deal with his drinking.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Tampa on

IN almost 4 years, my husband has been so drunk that he vomitted everywhere, including in bed about 3-4 times. The last time, I told him if he ever did that again he'd have to leave the house for a full week. We also discussed him lowering the amount of beer he drank daily from 4 -5 bottles a day to 2-3, and even have some days where he drank none. I told him he was acting like an alcoholic and that wasn't something I wanted to be around, nor my children.

He's taken me seriously and his alcohol consumption has been lowering... but not as fast as I'd hoped.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Provo on

I am so sorry! What a rough situation. I have no advice regarding alcoholism, but I wanted to let you know you can dump vinegar on the wet stain and it will help to eliminate the odor. (The best way is to soak the stain in vinegar and then let dry in the sun, but with a big mattress it might be too hard to do that. Just let it soak and flip the mattress. The vinegar smell will go away once it dries). Better yet- leave the cleaning supplies by the mattress and have him do it.

2 moms found this helpful

More Answers



answers from Charlotte on


10 moms found this helpful


answers from Pittsburgh on

Go to this site and take this quiz (as him) developed by Johns Hopkins University Hospital:


He very well may be an alcoholic. If he is, he will need to WANT to change and he will need help (not from you--from professionals) to change.

While I don't think peeing the bed is a sure-fire sign of an alcoholic, I'm pretty sure denial, lying and making excuses are.

All the best!

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Minneapolis on

"I grew up in an alcoholic household, and I dont want to see things go that route for my kids. "

I'm sorry, but your children are living this route. Your husband is an alcoholic (as one Dr. told me, some people will drink everyday and some only once a week... but their bodies react to it the same and they are both alcoholics).

Because you grew up in this environment you probably are somewhat immune to what is going on. You need to get to an Alanon meeting asap and gain the skill set to deal with this so that your children do not repeat the same cycle (drinking /marrying an alcoholic). You have the opportunity to change your families course here... for many generations to come. good luck.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Phoenix on

#1 - I would place a pee pad under his side of the bed....don't care that it's been a year...

#2 - have a serious conversation with him regarding exactly how many drinks he really had. Do the math...help him figure out his limit. The AA rules is no more than 1 drink a day, 2 drinks an hour or 4 drinks a week...or you are considered an alcoholic.

It's common knowledge that after 2-3 drinks one looses their ability to judge. So he looses count, doens't feel anything and keeps drinking absent mindedly. I'm not making excuses....just be realistic...in order to avoid more bed wetting accidents he must stop drinking after #? how many drinks?

I have had a few girlfriends confess to me that their husband's have come home after drinking the night away with their guy friends and they are puking and wetting their pants. This scenario creates huge strife especially when the wife came from an alcoholic family...because you instantly jump to where this goes.

I'm curious, does he clean up the sheets or are you doing this. He needs to wash the bed linens. Don't cover up for him. Don't cover up any post drinking binges. That is his responsibility. My parents were alcoholics and my sister and I used to clean up the drinking mess in the morning to avoid any further fighting..and guess what, it did not ever once work. We never cleaned up enough that would have an impact on my parents drinking. At the time I did not know that, but gosh darn, I wish we have just left their mess.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Roanoke on

Sounds like a tough situation. First of all, I would make the rule that if he drinks, he sleeps elsewhere. On the couch, under the dinner table, or in the doghouse, it doesn't matter, just NOT in bed with you. Secondly, peeing the bed is not normal, even though it is embarrassing for him--but it's not embarrassing enough for him to stop the drinking. I don't know from your post if he is an alcoholic or not..although I do think drinking alone and claiming he's drinking because of issues with his parents could be an indication that this is going deeper. Thirdly, if you are truly worried, maybe checking out Al Anon would be a good idea? Just maybe, if he sees you attending the meetings, he will realize he's making more of an impact than just a stain on the mattress. Good luck.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

Read up on co-dependency and enabling. You'll find many, many books on the subject, and many articles online. You don't want to be mean or nasty, AND you want your husband to truthfully face his responsibility in this, not make it easier for him to go on doing it.

I have a number of friends who have received tremendous help by attending Al-Anon meetings. They teach what co-dependency is and what to do about it in a most supportive and empathetic environment.

I wish you well, sweetheart. Yes, something is wrong; it's not your imagination.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

Ive seen one man do this, and he was a huge alcoholic.Your husband needs to wake up & realize what he's doing. (& get help!) But most alcoholics are in denial. That would seriously PISS ME OFF! How will you clean your mattress?

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Las Vegas on

I think when it comes to drinkers and or drug addicts, you basically can show them the light but if they don't want to see it, they certainly won't.

Therefore, you have to approach this from the standpoint of you wanting to better your life and also ask yourself some tough questions, like .. why am I willing to have put up with this thus far..

This might seem counter-intuitive from the stance that "hey , he is the one with the problem" but right now, the problem is also yours and that of your families. I highly suggest finding a good Alanon Meeting that you can attend. Those folks there can truly relate to what you are going through and help you find ways in which to cope. Try to view your getting help not as you having a problem perse, but rather your helping you empower you and your children for that matter.

Believe me, you can't tackle someone else's addiction problem, only they can do that. However, you can decide that you have had enough.. he's already done this before, UNLESS there is some HUGE change in HIS thinking, this will happen again...

Hopefully, a recovering addict/drinker will answer your post here. I believe it's those people who have gone through an addiction and come out on the other side more healthy and happy that can truly give you solid advice. They know all the tricks and lies they pull and therefore can impart a little tough love.

I wish you the best..

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

Oh, you can't do much to change him. If he's denying the problem you've pretty much got your hands tied. I would go to counseling by yourself first to get a recommendation for what you can do. The counselor may suggest a alcohol program for family members. If he sees you attending that, he may realize his problem and feel the more urgent need to change it.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Jacksonville on

Sometimes I am vindictive. I say, take out a washable marker and draw all over him. Maybe then he will see how dead to the world he is and open his eyes. Sounds like he is resisting growing up. In these cases the best thing to do is sit down and have a serious, You are scaring me, discussion. Best of luck to you.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

I haven't read everyone's responses, but I know that my mother and father both had problems with drinking way back when I was little tiny. I remember my mom got help sooner, and her mantra was basically "I will not be drawn into his issue anymore". The typical enabler situation, her way of NOT enabling him.

In your case, HE needs to be the one stripping the bed, washing the sheets, cleaning and airing the mattress. Remove YOURSELF from the situation - don't help him AT ALL. It doesn't involve you, it shouldn't be your problem to clean up. When/if a situation involves him getting help (like packing to go to rehab, or looking up times and locations of AA meetings) - then by all means help.

I may be way off base with my advice, but that is what my gut instinctive reaction is....

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Fort Wayne on

I don't agree with the others. I don't think he's an alcoholic. It sounds like it's been a year or more since it happened last. That sounds to me like he just drank too much. It happens to the best of us from time to time.

If this were a weekly, or eve bi-weekly, occurance I would be telling you that he needs help. Once in a year? Not so concerning.

Talk to him honestly and openly with out being accusatory. Explain to him WHY you're upset. He's probably MORTIFIED that he wet the bed like a baby and that's why he doesn't want to talk about it. Chances are since you grew up with alcoholics, you're more sensitive to the issue.

He might have wanted to have a few drinks to unwind or just to forget about whatever issues he's having with his parents. Just because he's hooting and hollering at the baseball game, doesn't mean he's not thinking about whatever is going on. Don't we all try to do things that distract us from bad things? I know I do! He probably should have stopped before he got to the point of peeing the bed, but like I said, if it happens less than once a year..eh...let it go.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you.

I can't give any advice from experience. My husband and I don't drink at all...so I don't understand the world of alcohol.

I would probably go to Al anon because the only one you can help is yourself and your kids.

I would probably find a time to talk to my husband when I knew he was receptive. I would explain concerns and that I was attending Al anon. You will gain tools at the meeting to then move forward and know how to lovingly work with your spouse with his issue without enabling him.

I like the idea of having him sleep elsewhere when he gets soooo drunk. Then he has to wash his own sheets and clothing.

Oh my heart breaks for you. You never want to see the love of your life and the father of your children act in such an irresponsible and decieving way.
Good luck and be strong for your boys.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Atlanta on

That's gross and he needs to realize it! My husband gets like yours if he drinks too much, but it has happened less and less over the years and he apologizes if he ties one on sometime. If your husband won't admit this behavior is way out of control, you may need to give him a sharp wake up call. Let him know you grew up with drunks and you don't intend to continue to live that way or expose your kids to it.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Gainesville on

Honey Peeing the bed is not normal! He is your husband you have every right and infact you have a duty as his wife to be upfront about this! Tell him you grew up with alcholics and it is not something you will tolerate. And then you have to be willing to follow thru. I would also suggest AL anon. Don't forget to tell him you love him very much and he is very important in your life and your kids lives but 1. Its disgusting!! he is an adult. 2. Its not normal/ ok whatever is happening in his life drinking to excess like that will not help! 3. he needs to face the music, admit and work on the problem because its not just him anymore it the whole family!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Phoenix on

Well, I don't have any advice. I'll just say that age 44, this is the reason I have NEVER dated a guy that drank nor did I marry one. This really is no way to live your life. I'm sorry you have to go thru that.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Providence on

Binge drinking is considered to be a form of alcoholism. Someone doesn't have to drink every day to be an alcholic. He cleary has issues with parents, and will need to seek counseling for this, not use it as an excuse to drink himself to oblivion. Growing up in an alcoholic household, I am sure brings back a lot of painful memories for you. Seeing your husband this way, cannot be easy. He needs to be confronted about his lack of respect for you and your house. He needs to make some kind of change in his life. Habits form very easily.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

I would go to Al-anon for yourself and suggest he go to AA himself. It sounds like he's like my xBIL who was a binge drinker - which is still abusing alcohol, just not every day. When he did drink, it was ALWAYS a problem. I have never dated anyone (including my DH) who drank so much he wet the bed.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Minneapolis on

It sounds like he needs to go to rehab, then after he is sober and complete with rehab live in a sober house then attend AA meetings two-three times a week. You should start going to Al-Anon and get help for yourself. You might have to put your foot down about it. Good Luck it is hard to do (I have been dealing with it the past 2 years NOT with my hubby but with a family member).


answers from Las Vegas on

Look in your city for free AA meetings and see if maybe he will go to one just to talk to the counselor. My best friend is an AA counselor (and used to be an alcoholic). He says that if you are drinking to suppress emotions and drinking to the point of peeing in the bed then you need help. I'm not sure what to suggest about about you doing something rash or not, I know I could never deal with it either. Maybe you could talk to an AA counselor first and ask them how to approach it. My best friend sponsors alcoholics, which is most of the time the only way they will quit for good is doing the 12 step program with a sponsor that you can talk honestly with (non-biased). Any AA counselor worth their weight will be able to tell you how to handle it.



answers from Washington DC on

He's drinking way too much, he really should get help- even if it doesn't happen all the time. He needs to know that it isn't okay or an option and even if he DID have a rough night, it still doesn't make it okay. People need to know how to deal with issues sober. I wish you and your husband luck. This needs to be taken care of.


answers from Ocala on

I know that he will not change until he is ready, so I wish you the best with that.
What I would do first is go and get one of those mattress covers that will not allow liquids to go threw it. That way you will not have to worry about cleaning your mattress. You will just throw this mattress cover in the washer and dryer and put it back on the bed and no worries.

God bless.

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