I am the Step Mother of a 6 1/2 year old girl and my husband and I see her 12 times a year or once a month. I know this is not really enough to change things, however the visits with her are not so pleasent due to her eating habits. When we sit down at the table for a meal as a family, she may take a few bites and she says that she is full. With that said, she does not snack a lot during the day and we try to stay busy. We ask her to eat her food and she plays with it and plays with her hair and then makes excuses that she doesnt like it or that she doesnt feel good and begins to cry. We have sent her to her room for time out, saved the same meal for later to receive when she gets hungry and have also denied her any dessert. We have a chart and she gets rewards for completing the things on the chart, however the eating habit is keeping her from the untilmate prize. She is a smaller build and was brought to my attention that she may have issues with nutrition at her mothers house. I worry about her and there is nothing that I can really do because she lives in another state with her mother. We have done everything we can think of including an adult conversation with her. Does anyone have any good advise? She is not forced to eat anything she does not like. We make pizzas, tacos, salads, go to mcdonalds and other restaurants that she says she wants to go to. The rewards are for doing things that she needs to learn to do like eat, brushing her hair and her teeth, cleaning her room and making her bed.
Stop berating this child for how she eats.
Enjoy her while she's there and don't make it a dreaded thing that she will only continue to grow a hatred towards.
You don't have her enough to make a difference and you're only ruining her time with her dad.
If I could only see my child 12 times a year(I'm assuming one weekend a month?), I would spoil her rotten. Such a limited amount of time constitutes a visit, not child rearing. I'd pull out all the stops, to hell with rules, we would just have a blast hanging out, playing, staying up late talking and giggling, making messes, and possibly eating cupcakes three meals a day.
I'll never understand non-custodial parents and steps who don't seem to enjoy what little time they have with the kid.
-signed a "So Called Mother" of three healthy, happy, successful young adults.
:(
My advice is to leave her alone.
Seriously, you only see her once a month, she is just six years old and probably anxious while visiting you (the saying she doesn't feel good and crying is an obvious sign of that!)
Instead of time outs and charts how about using that precious time enjoying her company and getting to know her?
If you are so concerned about her then start nurturing and loving her as much as you can during your limited visits, and save the punishments for when they are TRULY necessary. Being sent from the family dinner table just because she doesn't feel like eating? That's just cruel. Poor little girl.
What is the "chart for completing things" for? I hope to God that you don't have her doing chores.
She probably doesn't feel comfortable around you guys. In fact you should leave this ONE day a month for her to spend time with her father. Let her enjoy her time with her father without you around.
There is no time for timeouts, saving the meal for later, charts or making her cry, in this situation. She's still a very young child who NEVER sees her father.
You both see her once a month. Leave her be. Can't you make something you know she likes since she is rarely ever there? This is not a hill to die on. Why do you feel the need to play parent once a month. Just enjoy the very small amount your husband has with bis child. Or step back and let him take the reigns. I don't mean to sound rude, but you really shouldn't be involved in any discipline. Who are you as far as she is concerned? Put yourself in her place for one second, and back off of her.
One of our children is a very picky eater and the doctor told us that our job is to put healthy choices in front of her and her job is to choose how much of it to eat. I also agree with all the other posts - have fun with her for the short time you have her, love her, try to make her feel comfortable. How would you like to be pulled from the home you love to HAVE to spend it with people you rarely see who then MAKE you eat stuff you dislike and then PUNISH you when you are overwhelmed and cry and then MAKE you eat the same meal again. Sounds close to torture to this sensitive soul.
No, her visits are unpleasant because of your rules and punishments around eating, NOT due to her eating habits. If you keep up this behavior, you won't see her at all as soon as she's old enough to have a say in it. When a dad only sees his daughter once a month, it's his job to love her, cuddle her, have fun with her and generally spoil her rotten. It's your job as stepmother to let him. (I've been a stepmother of two for 27 years.)
If you have specific evidence that there are "issues with nutrition" at her mother's house, then that is something her father will need to address with her mother.
I'm curious -- if she's not snacking or acting hungry at other times, maybe you're overestimating how much a six-year-old can and should eat. The calorie intake is much lower than an adult's. If she was refusing but then snacking an hour later, I'd say there's a problem, but if she's not, kids are usually pretty good at knowing when they are full. Having someone push food on them is what creates unhealthy eating habits later in life.
What you're doing with your charts, rewards, "saved meals" and time outs is like play parenting. It's like spending the night at your boyfriends house but saying you live together. It's like working twice a month but pretending you have a real job.
You are not her parent and if you were I'd think you'd be heartbroken over your custody agreement. I would think you would spend every moment of precious time you have with her trying to have fun, connect in a positive way and develop a relationship so that she looks forward to time with you. I would think that you would never want to mark these visits in a negative way because she isn't eating the amount of food you think she should.
If you were her parent I hope you'd know that somethings just aren't worth yelling about, especially when weeks go by between visits. You only have a couple of days to set the tone for the memories she will have and the connections she will make with each trip to see you.
I suggest you dump all discipline for trivial things that you cannot change anyway and focus on a couple of house rules. Be respectful to each other, be kind to one another and have fun are three that come to mind. How about a "no yelling" rule as well, could your husband get on board with that?
I know you didn't like these answers (and likely hate mine) but I implore you to try to take them to heart. These "so called Mothers" have a lot of experience with parenting, most 24/7 and I think you hit a nerve. Many of us cannot imagine not seeing our kids but once a month and the thought of it brings out the Momma bear. Enjoy that little girl, you'll wake up one day and a teenager will be coming to visit you. Help make her a loving, kind, secure person by being her soft place to land.
Why not give her very small portions? I will NEVER force my kids to eat if they don't want to (which is never really a problem) . I do think that making a child think they have to eat more than they want can help lead to obesity. Have you ever heard the saying "Choose your battles"? This is one I would let go of especially if your only getting her once a month.
Provide her with healthy choices, ask her what she would like to eat and ensure that there is at least one thing she likes at each meal. Let her chose her own portion sizes, but do not force her to eat. As long as she is growing, healthy and has energy she is eating enough. If she is visiting once a month then treat her as any other guest. You wouldn't make an issue about how much any other guest eats, don't make it an issue with her. Childrens appetites change according to growth spurts and activity. She will eat as much as her body needs. To force her to eat more is just going to set her up for future issues with food.
she doesn't need to "learn" to eat. she knows how to eat. she does it just fine.
this has become a control issue and her mom probably started it, and dad is continuing it at your house, by shouting at her and fighting with her about it.
my niece (who will be 6 in a couple of weeks) is very similar. i imagine if her parents were divorced and she was in your step daughter's position of "visiting" one of her parents, and all the emotions that go along with that, she'd probably be JUST like your step daughter.
when she is with me, she eats very little most of the time. she's not with us often (similar to your step daughter) so when she is coming, i make sure the only snacks or meals i plan, are healthy. then, if she eats, great, if not, that's her choice.
funny story. the first time she tried to pull her, "*SIGH*...i'm just not hungry" with these huge eyes and all this drama...i just said, "okay". she looked at me like i sprouted two heads, for not yelling at her and starting a fight.
SHE controls what she eats. we have zero control over her putting that food in her mouth. what we can do is model healthy eating habits. and no, if you don't eat a healthy meal, you don't get the junk food for dessert or snack later. but i seriously could not care less about fighting with her over eating, the small amounts of time i get to spend with her.
your hubby has to stop hounding her about it. give her healthy food options ONLY. and then back off....and see what happens. tell her from now on, she decides if she eats and how much she eats. the only thing YOU and her DAD decide, is what is offered. completely put the power back in her hands (it's there anyway, which is why she keeps playing the game). accept this is a battle you can't win. you AND dad. you both have to do it. i bet you will see things change if you change the focus of your time together.
(i am answering here because your other post has no question and is really just whining about answers you didn't like. hon we all have to put our big girl panties on sometimes, and admit we don't know what we're doing. that's why you posted the question, right? hang in there. it'll get better. you can't change her, you can only set reasonable rules and expectations. thinking you can control what she puts in her mouth is not reasonable.)
Please read this article:
http://abcnews.go.com/Nightline/extremely-picky-eaters-st...
It is about kids eating.
Keep in mind that the "serving size" of children, are not the same as an adult. It is in terms of tablespoons or teaspoons.
They have tinier stomachs, too.
Once my kids say "I am full..." they are done and I don't make them eat everything or more.
Our Pediatrician, said this is proper AND healthy.
To eat according to... their body's cues. Is the way to eat. Hungry, full. And for the child to know that. So that, emotional eating is not, taught to the child.
Otherwise, dysfunctional eating habits... is created. And once created, it is HARD to overcome it.
I have 2 kids. One is picky. One will eat anything. But BOTH of them, eat according to their body's cues. If they are hungry, they know it and their body. If they are full, they know it and their body.
ALSO appetites, changes, every day. Even in adults.
This is normal.
NO human, eats the same way the same amounts, everyday.
And no adult, eats the same things they did, when they were a baby or toddler or child or teen. It changes.
With my kids, we don't punish or reward for eating or foods.
And we don't have food or eating battles, even if one of my kids is a pickier eater.
Rewards do not work, and you should never use rewards around food.
It's her habit, let it be hers. If she's hungry, she will eat.
You sound like you're trying really hard.
How long are these once a month visits? If you and hubby see her infrequently, she just may feel sad and like she misses her mom when she's at your house, and that makes her not feel like eating.
Do you know what she eats like at her mom's house? If she's always a very light eater, then that's just how her body is, but if she eats more at mom's, it may be what I mentioned above.
Here's the thing about kids. When we become parents - whether by giving birth or by adopting or marrying, we think that they are dependent on us to make all of their decisions for them, but the one thing that a child, no matter how young, knows is whether or not they are hungry. A child will never undereat, unless they have an eating disorder or something. It's best not to make food a battle. Let her eat as much as she wants (or as little) but if she's barely eating, I would not allow any treats or desserts. I would still insist that she stay at the table for family meals. One thing I did with my own family, which might encourage her to eat more, was when the kids were younger, we all sat down as a group and I gave everyone five index cards. Each person had to write a favorite meal on each of their five cards. Every week, I'd make at least one favorite meal from each person's list. If she can make up a set of cards, and you have her one weekend a month, you should be able to serve something from her list - no excuses not to like it. Another picky eater strategy is to make meals consist of a lot of different choices, and then let her pick what she wants and serve herself, without dad or you commenting on what she picked or bribing or wheedling her to take just one little bite of the whatever. Sure, she may not love the chicken or fish, but a kid can make a meal of cheese cubes, grape tomatoes, melon and rolls with butter. Is it the best? No, but for once a month, it's not terrible. Don't let dad make the little time he has with her into a battle, okay? Just enjoy your time with her, and if possible, keep in contact with her mom about her eating habits both at mom's house and your home.
What kinds of foods are you serving her? Have you asked her what she would like to eat for dinner while she is at your house? Have you shopped with her to make the choice fun and partly in her control? Do you allow her to help you cook a little bit to see that part of the process and the fun you can have together? There are so many kid-friendly meals you can plan together. I wouldn't punish or reward her for this..instead I'd try to make it a pleasant experience. I would also never expect my kids to return to a meal they hated, and say that's all they get until they finish it. I have two amazing eaters, who only dislike 2 things each, so I know we've made good choices for how to handle food. Food isn't an issue at our house and never has been. The only thing I have ever required is that they try the meal..one bite. If they dislike that item, they do not have to eat it. There is always something else on the plate that they like, or they pick around what they dislike. If the whole thing is yucky to them, they can ask to make themselves a pb&j. My son has only done that once and it was fine with me.
do. not. fight. with. her. over. food.
especially since she does not live with you.
offer her healthy meals and snacks, and let her pick what she will or will not eat.
period.
khairete
S.
You have her so rarely I would not make an issue of it. Just serve healthy food and snacks and a treat now and then and if she doesn't eat it that is ok. Just let it go and don't worry about it. I have 2 kids and one of them has been like this his whole life...nothing we have done has made a bit of difference in his eating habits. Just keep things positive at your house for her and make her feel welcome. I would try not to bring any attention to the way she eats either even if it drives you nuts.
