Drinks After Work?

Updated on April 20, 2012
C.C. asks from Foresthill, CA
20 answers

Scenario: Do you think it is ok for a married man to go “catch up” with a single female. Almost like an afterthought in the last sentence of his text my spouse includes female name = another males name implying they will not be alone together just the two of them but there will be this other guy included in catching a drink after work.
Normally my spouse catches a drink with friends/ or co-workers and I don’t question who will be there because I trust him but today I asked because I am going to a movie with a friend of mine. My rule (for myself) is that I wait until kids are settled in and close to bed time (or after) before I go to hang with friends because I get so little time with them during the week I want to spend quality time with them each night that I couldn’t get if I grabbed drinks or a movie right after work.
Moving on-so today he ask about going to drinks, being home by 730. I asked with whom because I already made plans with my friend and HATE unplanned, last minute oh BTW I am going out is that ok?
It makes me uneasy and I feel it’s inappropriate-am I wrong?

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So What Happened?

He didn't go! Said he respected my opinion and came home-gotta love him. My husband is not perfect by any means but is learning to share responsibilities with the kids and the house. It took his father (of all people) to ripe into him before Easter but things are looking up!

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answers from Chicago on

Just him and a lady? Hell no. But, since there's other guys there, I'd have no problem with it. My husband does it often--their only chance to talk about their company without having extra ears around to hear them. Good for fellowship.

I'd be elated if my husband's out-for-drinks got him home by 7:30. My husband usually doesn't get drinks until closer to 9, as they have long days.

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answers from San Francisco on

I wouldn't have a problem with it.
But my hubby and I have been together for over twenty years and he has never given me a reason NOT to trust him :)

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answers from Phoenix on

I'm blessed to have a hubby that doesn't want to "catch a drink" with anyone, ever. That being said, I would have a problem with this. I don't see it as not trusting my husband, I see it as not trusting the WOMAN, or the situation (alcohol). There really is no point in it. If they want to "catch up", they can chat on the phone. Now this is just MY OPINION, but I don't like these situations. It opens the door for something to happen. Everyone says "I trust my husband", but I don't trust the woman. These are situation where they are "casually" getting to know each other and hang out...why? What's the point? He's married with a family and THAT is where he needs to be. You play with fire, you can get burned. Everyone thinks its innocent...until something comes of it, then its too late. And we ALL know of men and women both who have had affairs with co-worker and "innocent" friends, and how did it start? Probably "catching a drink" after work. Just my opinion. Good luck.

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answers from Denver on

When my husband asked that question a few years ago I told him yes - cause his guy friend was going to be there too - and then he didn't show up so it was just the two of them.

I thought it was wildly inappropriate and was not pleased. In all honesty it started a downward spiral for us - he felt it was innocent - I felt it wasn't (not necessarily on his behalf but the girl - why does she want to get drinks with a married man???) and we almost divorced over the aftermath. I feel I should elaborate before someone calls me crazy and thinks we almost divorced over drinks. My point is the drinks led to phone calls which lead to texts which lead to her buying my hubby gifts which lead to me becoming a crazy lunatic lady and us in counseling for 6 months while we tried to work through it. In the end it worked out but it caused a lot of unnecessary anxiety and I know he wished he'd never started down that path.

Ok - hope that sounds less like an over-reacting crazy lady wife.

So - if I was you - either accept that you trust your husband and nothing will come of it - or decide you don't trust him - don't like the situation - and try to put a stop to it. Jealousy is a bad, bad thing...trust me...I watched it almost rip us apart.

Good luck.

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answers from Kansas City on

I wouldn't have a problem...but he needs to reschedule since you already had plans!

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answers from Albany on

Just call him and tell him your concerns, right? No biggie. No red flags. Just talk about stuff. Why go around wondering, when he can just clear it up for you (and us too!)


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answers from Austin on

I wouldn't have problem with it.

But If you already had plans to go out and he knew this.. and now this will make it so you cannot go do your plans.. I would first remind him of my plans and consider.. he invite his friend to your home for them to have some beers, or find a sitter so you both can go out and do your thing.

I do not see a problem..

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answers from Chicago on

Well, I would not bring up the female ex co worker factor because you trust your husband - but I would bring up that you are not okay with it because you already had plans.

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answers from Portland on

I had drinks after work, sometimes being the only woman there. Your post doesn't give me the reason you're paranoid about this one. I see no red flags. You say he catches drinks with co-workers and friends. How is this time different? You trust him with co-workers/friends why don't you trust him this time? Sounds like he gave more info because you asked for it. Sounds like he's trying to be transparent about his activity.

Yes, it's OK for a married friend to catch up with a female friend. Geez, at one time half my friends were men and some were married.

Perhaps if he's to continue having drinks with her, you could meet up with them one of the times so that you can get to know her. Some of the officers that I worked directly with, i.e. rode in the same car, would take me by their home and introduce me. Other wives from time to time would join us for drinks. That seemed to allay suspicions.

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answers from Boston on

I would be more concerned that you had plans for a long time and it is his turn to hang out with the kids and now you have to do more with the kids before you can go out. I would just have told him "no - I need you home tonight". We both have male and female friends and I go to lunch mostly with my friends (since I work part time) and he tends to do the drink after work thing. I have had no worries about it, but he always texts me to check if it is OK and while 99% of the time it is, there have been occasional time when I really need him home and he just comes home.
The whole point about "asking" is that it is OK for you to say no and having plans (that I assume he knows about) already set, it is then his turn to deal with the kids after work.

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answers from Dallas on

I'm trying to connect A to B with your reasoning for asking who he's having drinks with. Would it matter? He gave you the btw text and since you had plans you asked who with. If it were a certain person it IS ok to break your plans, but if it's a differant person it's Not ok to break your plans?

Either way you have differant issues to condiser.

Is it a problem because there will be a woman there? I wouldn't care so much since there will ne more than just the 2 of them, unless they used to date or have an iffy history.

Is it a problem because you already made plans?
I would not cancel my plans for a last minute btw text.

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answers from Boca Raton on

I agree with MzKitty 110% . . .

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answers from La Crosse on

As long as he is home in time for your plans I don't see a problem with it... even if the other guy isn't going to be there and its just the two of them.

I got male friends I go out with one on one and my husband has female friends he goes out with one on one. He is doing that this weekend.

A female friend of his is coming up and they are going to go mushroom hunting then they are going to watch someone preform that she knows. He is going alone with his friend because I have a girls day planned with my mom for the day time.

If you trust him ( and he will be home in time for your plans) then I don't see a problem in it. Now if he isn't going to be home in time for the plans you already made then I would tell him to make it for another time.

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answers from Dallas on

If it was not just the two of them no problem. But I would tell him I already have plans so no. Or you need to be home before I leave for my thing. If you can both do your thing go for it.

Good luck and God Bless!

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answers from New York on

If it was just him and the female I wouldn't be comfortable just like I would expect him to be comfortable if I wanted to meet for drinks with another guy only. But it there are 3 of them, and they're all from a prior job, something like that - then I don't see any issue particularly as he says he'll be home before you head out to the movies with your friend.

My bigger concern is that he'll be home alone with the kids after having a few drinks. Depending on their ages, and how your husband tolerates the few drinks he'll have I might or might not be comfortable with that.

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answers from Columbus on

To be honest, I don’t mind that there are women in the group (mixed gender group) when he goes out after work because for the most part I trust him, but what really upsets me is when he decides to do something last minute that interferes with my pre-determine plans and tells me he’ll be home by 6:30 when I have to leave by 6:15.

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answers from Houston on

That last-minute stuff annoys me, too, but that's my personality. You've got two things going here--the last-minute plans, which will make you two have to decide who stays with the kids (at least that's what I got from it) and hsi hanging out with an "unauthorized female".

I think that how you should feel about it depends on who your husband is and what his habits are. If you feel that you have reason to question his motives, then maybe you should do just that--question his motives. ("When did you talk to her? How did you decide that today would be a good day? I'm not comfortable with it because it seems pretty odd, but you are an adult, and I won't tell you what to do. I'll just trust you not to say or do anything that you wouldn't want me to be present for.") I ask a lot of questions, though, because I like to understand certain thought processes, and my husabnd is used to it by now. Yours might not respond so well to that. Do you know where they will be? Do you have the option of dropping in before or after your movie? My husband and I always have that option open to each other. If I am interested in any woman whose name might come up, I ask. If I care what she looks like or if she's married or what her story is or in what capacity they work together, I flat-out ask. As far as I know, he's honest with me.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

In your last line you said you are uneasy and you feel it is inappropriate. You answered your own question. It soes not matter if it is right or wrong. What matters is how you feel and how you and your husband respond and communicate about it and where you go from there. As far as how I would feel--I would prefer a group setting for catching up and drinks. There is no reason for my husband to be out with a single woman alone and drinking.

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answers from Sherman on

Wow! strange.
this is the second post today about haveing a drink with single people after ur married.
the other was about a women going to a bar w/o out spouse.
I am kinda suprised by how different the responces are!


answers from Norfolk on

Hi, Fun:
You have had problems dealing with your husband before about his use of the bar to hang out.

So you leave home after your children are in bed? I must say that is really inappropriate.

If you leave your children and your husband doesn't want to come home and spend time with you and your children, there is a problem of bonding with all yall.
Has our society gotten so callous that we only think about ourselves and not the children we have? What is the problem with taking your children out to a movie, forget about your husband, he is only thinking about himself.
I feel so sad for your children.
Good luck.

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